Update
 

Yesterday afternoon I had quite the surprise. DCF came to our home because an anonymous person reported my husband for leaving my boys in the car while he went inside a kava bar to get his kava drink. A policeman and social worker came to our home and interviewed my husband and my 2 youngest children. As the officer was asking questions my husband continued his lying. He made the officer believe he is in recovery, that he hadn't used in 20 years and that he has a sponsor AND attends meetings. All are lies but I couldn't say anything. He also denied having the boys with him while he went into the Kava bar for his drink. If you don't know what Kava or Kratom is, please Google it. It's basically a legal high.
DCF ordered a drug test which he did today. I don't believe kava or kratom is tested on a typical ua. If they detect any type of drug he will go to an IOP which he is complaining about.
He has cried, apologized and of course is trying to get sympathy. Says he is such a **** up and is so embarrassed. He said he didn't tell me about his kava drinking because it wasn't a "big deal". Huh, I find this interesting especially when anyone in recovery will tell you drinking this stuff is a relapse.
He spoke to his oldest son (My step son) basically asked son to lie about his father's sobriety and say he didnt relapse last year. Says- No one needs to know. He also asked son not to tell his mother about it. OK he is 17 but if that were my kid and DCF was going to interview my son I have the right to know.... but of course he is hiding it.
So now the cat is out of the bag...
Not sure what will happen next but I'm ready to jump ship.

Why is it you think you cannot tell the police the truth? Not being harsh, just asking.

When I stopped covering up for my XAH's bad behavior, it was a new lease on life and a new support system for me. His actions, his consequences.

Hugs. I know it's so hard.

mama...

To amplify Hopeful's point a bit...you had an opportunity to break free of the madness by being honest with the police. And it's not that you couldn't say anything. It's you opted not to say anything. Who does that serve? How does that promote wellness? What lesson does this teach your children? That it's OK to lie to law enforcement so long as it protects a parent who didn't hesitate to compromise his children?

I do not say this as criticism, mama. My intention is to get you to listen to yourself. You know that the status quo with your husband is untenable. You know that he is not going to change. So the only person in this situation who can change is you. And yes, it's scary, because the unknown is always scary. But the truth is you're running out of breathing room and you're running out of time. It's time...far past time, mama...that you act.

Remember: we've got your back, but the heavy lifting is up to you.

I'm concerned and sad about the what this is teaching your kids, especially your stepson. I grew up in a home with addiction. It takes a terrible toll anyway, but when you start involving the children in the lies and secrecy, it's all the more damaging.
You alone have the power to change this situation and protect your children. I understand all too well the fear that's keeping you stuck, I had a lot of it myself. It turned out the the fears in my imagination were far worse than the reality ended up being.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ic-family.html

How do you feel about him leaving your kids in the car while he went to get high?

I assume they're young enough that a stranger was concerned enough to call the police. So...you are still covering for him when he endangered your children?

Yes I was scared of what he would say or do to me if I told the police the truth. As well as ostracize me from his parents (my only family here). I know it's hard to believe but I'm intimidated by him

I'm going to call the DCF case worker and tell her the truth of what's been going on. At this point I don't know if it will make a difference.

OK. Please keep us posted, and please be safe.

Not hard to believe that he's scary...he's already so far down the road of things you never would have thought he would do.

I feel for you. Sending you a hug.

Mama, please know no one here is pressuring you to do anything. These are questions for you to ask to yourself. Only you know what you are ready and prepared for. You may want to speak to an attorney before you go any further one way or another to know the ramifications of what happens next in dealing with CPS.

I completely understand feeling intimitaded by him, I was by my X too.

We all only want what is best for you and your children. As someone said on another thread, we are behind you, but it's you that has to do the work. So that has to be done in your time and on your terms.

Many, many hugs.

I understand. I was terrified of doing anything I thought would send my ex into one of his rages, including setting boundaries to protect myself and the kids. In hindsight that should have been my cue to exit (one of many), but that fear gets a terrible hold on you.
I was also very isolated. His family was pretty much our only social contact, and I won't lie, his mother went absolutely nuts when I told her I was taking the kids and leaving. But she wasn't living with what we were enduring. She had to learn her own hard lesson about that.
Sending strength to you. I know this is scary.

All I want is to do the right thing...I think sometimes I need help seeing the truth. I've taken a lot of crap over the years starting from age 8. It's my normal...I don't want it to be by normal anymore. It's hard to see when you're in the trenches. Please send me strength to get out.

mama...doing the right thing often means doing something we don't want to do, or doing something that is difficult. And doing the right thing doesn't mean it's going to feel good, because it may not.

But what doing the right thing does mean is you're taking responsibility for yourself and your life. And we're here to back you up on this. You know exactly what you're dealing with and what needs to be done both for yourself and the boys. When you're ready to pull that trigger, you've got us. Remember that.

Baby steps. It seems like I remember you saying you've consulted a lawyer. If that was awhile ago, get another consult. I kept a journal which was extremely helpful for remembering details of incidents of abuse and neglect.
My ex is an alcoholic. I know your big concern is that he will skate by because kava/kratom is legal. But so is alcohol, and my testimony at the custody trial (my ex insisted on dragging it to trial, was totally delusional and refused to settle) was enough to convince the judge that my ex's drinking was a serious enough issue to warrant legal intervention before any type of visitation could take place.
Hechosedrugs recently started a thread regarding child custody which you may find helpful as well.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ur-addict.html

We are all behind you. Please keep reaching out. You can do this. I grew up with dysfunction and I know how hard it is to break free as an adult, but you are stronger than you believe.

Mama, I keep you and your children in my prayers every day.

I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do and above all, stay safe.

Big hugs from my heart to yours.