Helping out my recently-sober wife
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 58
Helping out my recently-sober wife
Hey guys,
I left my wife in July last year because it just got to be too much to deal with her addiction, the lies, the stealing, etc. I packed up and moved out, and got my own place, and things were going really really well for me while they just completely imploded for her.
In February she lost her apartment and her daughter, and her addiction completely took over her life. With a couple of warrants, no job, and no other options, she finally checked herself into treatment. She completed a 40-day treatment program, and when she got out she begged to come stay with me for a few days in my apartment. I said no at first, but after a couple days I relented and said ok. She has no family and nowhere else to go, and I've loved her so much that I couldn't bear to see her struggle while she was already dealing with sobriety.
She's been living with me since the beginning of April, and I'm confident that she has been staying sober during that time. She's cleared up her warrants, got her drivers license back, and got an attorney to help get custody back from her ex-husband. I've given her a little bit of money to help out with a few things she needs, but she has a job now and is starting to make her own cash. She's turning it around and doing really well, and she's been nothing but appreciative, sweet, and loving towards me for my help. All of this makes me happy, and makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing.
But here's my problem: While I do want the best for her, I also find that I have no patience for her. I resent having to put out so much for her, especially money wise, since I've struggled so much over the past year because of her actions during our time living together. I'm bitter that I keep having to give more and more of myself, and I'm bitter that she can't make her life work without my support. I don't want to turn her out on the street, but I hate this situation and there are times when all I want is to go back to my life before she moved in.
She can sense this, and I think on some level she understands why I feel that way. She cries a lot. And I snap at her sometimes with some pretty harsh words. I feel like a terrible person for this, because she has been sweet and kind to me, and sometimes truly all I want is to take her in my arms and hold her and tell her that I love her. Other times I just want to scream at her to get out of my apartment.
This whole situation is stressful, confusing, and miserable. I have stopped giving her money and I've given her a deadline for when she has to be out, but I don't know that I'll even be able to make it that far.
I'm not even sure what I'm looking for from you guys with this. I think it's just good for me to write it.
I left my wife in July last year because it just got to be too much to deal with her addiction, the lies, the stealing, etc. I packed up and moved out, and got my own place, and things were going really really well for me while they just completely imploded for her.
In February she lost her apartment and her daughter, and her addiction completely took over her life. With a couple of warrants, no job, and no other options, she finally checked herself into treatment. She completed a 40-day treatment program, and when she got out she begged to come stay with me for a few days in my apartment. I said no at first, but after a couple days I relented and said ok. She has no family and nowhere else to go, and I've loved her so much that I couldn't bear to see her struggle while she was already dealing with sobriety.
She's been living with me since the beginning of April, and I'm confident that she has been staying sober during that time. She's cleared up her warrants, got her drivers license back, and got an attorney to help get custody back from her ex-husband. I've given her a little bit of money to help out with a few things she needs, but she has a job now and is starting to make her own cash. She's turning it around and doing really well, and she's been nothing but appreciative, sweet, and loving towards me for my help. All of this makes me happy, and makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing.
But here's my problem: While I do want the best for her, I also find that I have no patience for her. I resent having to put out so much for her, especially money wise, since I've struggled so much over the past year because of her actions during our time living together. I'm bitter that I keep having to give more and more of myself, and I'm bitter that she can't make her life work without my support. I don't want to turn her out on the street, but I hate this situation and there are times when all I want is to go back to my life before she moved in.
She can sense this, and I think on some level she understands why I feel that way. She cries a lot. And I snap at her sometimes with some pretty harsh words. I feel like a terrible person for this, because she has been sweet and kind to me, and sometimes truly all I want is to take her in my arms and hold her and tell her that I love her. Other times I just want to scream at her to get out of my apartment.
This whole situation is stressful, confusing, and miserable. I have stopped giving her money and I've given her a deadline for when she has to be out, but I don't know that I'll even be able to make it that far.
I'm not even sure what I'm looking for from you guys with this. I think it's just good for me to write it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if THIS was the Premise:
she begged to come stay with me for a few days in my apartment.
and a FEW DAYS have passed, then it's time for her to get busy nailing down her OWN place to live. regardless of what the future holds for you two, i think that RIGHT NOW you guys both need your own private space.
good to see you and very glad to hear that she DID go to treatment and is currently doing well. you are entitled to your own feelings, even if you get a bit snippy. it's been a LONG road for you, while she is seeing the world since Day 1 sober!!!! take care, my friend!
she begged to come stay with me for a few days in my apartment.
and a FEW DAYS have passed, then it's time for her to get busy nailing down her OWN place to live. regardless of what the future holds for you two, i think that RIGHT NOW you guys both need your own private space.
good to see you and very glad to hear that she DID go to treatment and is currently doing well. you are entitled to your own feelings, even if you get a bit snippy. it's been a LONG road for you, while she is seeing the world since Day 1 sober!!!! take care, my friend!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Charioteer 
sometimes truly all I want is to take her in my arms and hold her and tell her that I love her.
I have stopped giving her money
If you can stick to your guns.
Sounds like you love her a lot ?
No one except the One up above
knows what two people in love have between them.
Some if asked may give darn good advice.
Others may unknowingly lead us in the wrong direction.
My Sponsor for over 10 years (a wise old man)
told me 10 years ago that, "I should not get married."
The wife and I have a very happy marriage.
She is the sweetest Lady that I have ever met.
Glad that I didn't let her get away.
Bob
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 58
I do love her, more than I've ever loved anyone. But so many painful things have happened in the past few years that it's not easy to look past it, and I'm not sure I want to. I want her to do great and kick ass and be successful, I just wish she wasn't so dependent on me to make that happen. I am torn because I love her so much but I also feel like I'm sacrificing a lot of myself to make her happy, and that can be really hard.
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