Denners1977

Hi all, never thought I would ever be posting on on if there sites, here I am, so I have been with my boyfriend for a year, he was amazing, he never had much money, we rarely went out but we had so many laughs my birthday and Xmas was amazing he spoilt me :-) and we get on so much so it was enough for me, as time passed on he acted out of character he would tell me he was home at 9, then I'd get a text 930 then nothing till 11 then he didn't come home causing me upset, he got on coke, he told me he used to have a problem but this happened a few more times and when I got upset and wanted to talk due to being upset he would ignore me stay away longer because he was in a hole! He moved in in January and admitted he had coke debts, he would let me down and then become a different person, instead of putting things right he'd say sorry, it wore thin as I started feeling rubbish as I do a lot for him because I love him, he lost his job and I let him move in rent free (I just wanted us to be happy) I supported him for a couple of weeks with food he got a job and we were happy, then another incident happened not turning up and I'd had enough, anyway he admitted he had a grand of debt n told me it was from his coke problem before he met me, I was fed up with having to bring up all the things I did for him it didn't make me feel good, he was stressed because he couldn't take me out n had several debts hanging over him, so I decided to take the stress off him, I paid them off so he only owed me instead of lots of different people that were annoyed waiting, he cried, I knew he was struggling (but the truth was kept from me) after a few months he got an amazing new job earning in one day what he used to earn in a week! He paid me off in one go (happy) he got an isa set up we talked about getting a house together as he wanted to get a deposit together, I was on cloud 9, things were better than I imagined, he was like a new man, so positive, talking about the future, he even put on a little weight n looked super hot, anyway he went out to the pub he was due back at 12 he had work at 430am, I got ill and ended up in a&e twice i am currently being investigated for a heart or blood pressure problem, I spoke to him he was meeting me at the hospital, well I got back after a scary time at 5am my bp was dangerously high but it was monitored n I have further tests coming, I got home no call no boyfriend, he text me at 7am 'sorry babe I messed up' I rang him,he didn't answer and text me can't talk he's with his brother, through the day I got sorry texts, he'd got on it all night his head is messed. When ever he takes cocaine he can't talk or discuss he can't cope with anything negative and if I push n try to talk he gets snappy n literally starts saying I'm no good for you. Again we worked through it and he said he was done with coke he hates how it changes him, he planned to take me to a hotel n meal as a sorry as the words sorry just don't cut it anymore, we got back on track things were better than ever, he took me out for a lovely meal we had hotel night coming up and we had booked a 2.5weeks trip to Bali in November, he even said he wanted to take me shopping (no guys ever done that) we were so in love, his messages were so loving (but was it coke talking) three weeks later he's on the coke Thursday night at his mums doing her garden he did a key in the garden unbeknown to me , I said nothing because we had been so happy and he wasn't being mean to me so I let it go, Friday he messages me he's treating me to takeaway let have a nice eve together (he works long hours sometimes 5am till 10pm) so our time is treasured, Friday came due home for 7 I get a text saying 'be ten mins late' then nothing for an hr, I ring he says just feeding the dog be 15mins anyway he rolls in 2.5hrs late, eyes bulging and all sorry, I was so upset he lied to my face and swore on his daughters life he hadn't taken any coke, so I put my finger up his nose (gross I know) I hate liars! Coke on my finger, we had a huge row (first proper row like that) I lost it and threw my plastic lamp on the floor (I am not that sort of girl) I felt my cloud 9 disappear! We had his daughter the next night, I couldn't ruin her weekend she is adorable, he turned up eyes bulging, had to leave for a can of coke, he sat n coloured a book with her (him colouring hundred miles an hour) inside I was crying. The next day we were due to go to my brothers, his daughter was excited to see my niece so I put a brave face on for her, the tip of the iceberg was when he took a call and in front of me planned a night out with his mate on the night we were meant to be going to a hotel so I asked him to drop me home when he went to his cousins bbq, I came home and found his bank statements he spend 740 on betting in 14 days before he moved in, he'd also spent 110 in April the day he didn't have rent money for me, I'm completely heartbroken, I told him he needs to stop the coke, but where he binged on it so bad he's lost his way and I haven't seen him for 5 days one min he's texting how amazing I am n he can't do this to me as it's not fair bit he loves me so much then the next he's saying we need to talk, up n down like a yoyo, I love this guy so much and can't bear to see him destroy himself I know all of this stuff sounds awful but I know it's the coke because he is amazing I'm not deluded, no ones ever make me laugh with tears at 430am when he gets up, trust me I like my sleep when he's not taking that stuff he's the best man, he's funny, sweet, loving I would give anything for him to stop and see reality is so much more fun, I dread to think what will happen to him, his dad died of a heart attack 2 years ago this is when he started on the coke he did 400quid in one weekend, he smokes weed too but that doesn't make him horrible at all I can deal with that, he text to meet me last night then let me down again and I'm certain he got on it, he is meeting me tonight and said he knows he's gonna want a cuddle and isn't going to want to leave, it's emotional torture and I wish I didn't love him but I do. Is there any advice you can give me this is all very upsetting I don't really have much comfort as I can't actually tell anyone everything because they will call me a mug but I love him and care what's happening to him, he gets sweats, itchy skin, Defo gets depression and chest pains. I know if we split up he's going to regret it, and that's going to add too the troubles, I don't want him to die. Thank you for reading, sorry it went on a bit but my hearts breaking.

JOIE12

"... you will leave when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of walking away"

Love has very little to do with reality in the life of an addict.

Codependency keeps us trapped and it's our addiction. We want to blame everything on the addict, but WE are truly part of the problem. We feed them, they feed us and the cycle continues until one of us grows stronger.

Hugs to you,
Joie

Ariesagain

You can't love him well.

Save yourself. It sounds terribly harsh, but as long as you're with him, you're living an addict's life and you will both dance to its tune until and if he really wants to get help and does so on his own initiative.

There are people here who have lost years and years of their lives trying to fix their addicts. Spend some time here and you'll see how many of us have been where you are.

Sending you a big hug.

Denners1977

Thank you so much for your messages of support, I know you are right but there is part of me that hopes he will change because he hasn't been taking it every day it's been a couple of times a week it's when he binges when it has become a problem, I need him to be honest with me tonight and put his cards on the table, he keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt me because he loves me so much, I think 'get help then' when he first met me he did go to a place for help he went twice but decided to do it on his own and I know he definitely cut it back by a huge amount, I know when he' s not on it because he eats so well and loves healthy food and his mood is amazing, there is a part of me that wants to give him a chance but in my heart I know if he carries on binging and hurting me I will resent him, but then it will feel easier to let him go, in an ideal world he would stop because he loves me but I realise he has to do it for himself, I can't imagine never seeing him again, it's the first time I have really truly loved someone for 15 years this is another reason I'm struggling to let go

Denners1977

Joie 12, your subject is so true, that is how I feel

AnvilheadII

denners, just because someone does not use EVERY day doesn't mean they are not in active addiction. i don't think you've ever known this guy fully 100% clean and sober for any length of time. the VERSION of him you see is altered.

if you look back at your story you might see things a bit different.....he was down on his luck when you met....never had money to take you anywhere etc, but that was "ok" - later when he "lost" his job, you let him move in - then went further and paid off his drug debts. we call those types of behaviors ENABLING and CARETAKING. you took him in like a lost puppy, cleaned him up, and then went about cleaning up his messes. and even then.....while he may have been grateful, HE DID NOT CHANGE.

and when he'd get all "loving" it was really just him high on coke. coke charges everything up.....emotions, chatter, even honesty.....regardless of what was going on with you, or the promises he'd make, the drug still won out - time and time and time again. because that is what drug addiction does......it takes over.

you have given him plenty o'chances. and YOUR life matters just as equally as his does. perhaps the only thing more painful than being an addict in active addiction, is being the loved one living the life OF an addict.........

atalose

DETACH

D-DONT

E-EVER

T-TRY

A-AND

C-CHANE

H-HIM

The coke was there long before you came along and will probably still be there long after you leave.

AnvilheadII

is that CHASE, CHANGE or CHAIN?

atalose

LOL change!!!!

atalose

Could be all of them!!!!

Dreamcatcher44

Im on my first week of no contact and let me just say that the heartbreak is going to happen either way. Thats the reality that got me pulling the cord. U cant do anything to stop his using. Ur being there doesnt make it better. It just feeds it. But in regards to ur feelings. Ur life is in a constant state of chaos because his disease. Him disappearing etc. That must be so difficult and emotionally draining as u keep trying to grab control of the situation. But as ive learned the hard way. U cant. It will only get worse. So i ask u...if either way u looked at it u knew ur heart would be broken would u rather get out now and start the healing process? Or stick around only to have it break over and over again with each relapse? I chose NC and to leave. Its def easier said then done. I have put up with so much bs all thinking it would get him to stop. That he would see how much love i have for him and get better. This is the farthest from the truth. But the good news is this website and the people here are amazing. They have all lived and struggled with addiction and have loads of information and support to help u on ur way. And thats what u need now. Love and support. Stay on here. Everytime i even think of breaking the NC i read the stickie What Addicts Do. Literally..i read it over and over again. The addict has a life sentence...sobriety is probation..one slip up and not only r they thrown back in jail but so are we. If we allow it. The choice is yours. Take care of yourself.

atalose

Dreamcatcher44 so proud of you!!! What a great post of your own experience.

Denners1977

Anvillhead11 I know you are right in what you say and it seems I'm learning the hard way!
Dream catcher, you are so strong, I hope you find peace soon. So an update, I saw him we both cried and spent a lovely weekend together, he took me out and didn't have any over the weekend (his pupils remained tiny) then off he went to work 330am came home enlarged pupils swore he didn't have any then last night the same, today he messaged me thanking me for all I do and that he loves me and wants to get clean, I told him I want to believe him but can't and I know he was on it last night, he came clean (again) I said he needs help and he agreed on Sunday's at our local help centre! He has suddenly stopped texting me and I know exactly what is going to happen tonight, no show back to that person (I am his crutch) I'm home sipping a gin and there is such a pull on my heart, I know I must let him go he's binged for nearly two weeks it's bad! Last night he come home had a smoke and come over all funny and had to lie down, he's got skinny and is not the man I fell in love with, even though I see glimmers of him I realise I am clinging on to that, he has made the choice to carry on even though he's losing me, I'm doing everything I can to make him see but he can't see clearly and can't see me, his mind is so messed up with this stuff and it's killing me inside watching him as well as watch what we have crumble, I have to let him go, I've never loved anyone like I love him in my whole life, I'm 38 I have a good job a nice house, low mortgage and great friends and family and he completed me, I'm crying my eyes out because I've finally realised I have no control of this situation and I'm going to miss him so much, I haven't lived with a guy since I was 21 so meeting him was a big deal but the bigger deal is he is a coke addict and the only person that can change that is him, I've read many stories on here how people have overcome addiction and have a couple of friends that have, that doesn't mean he will. Thanks for your kind words, I can't wait for the pain to go away but I wish I knew he was going to be ok but he is in deep and it's all around him it would take big sacrifices for him to change, keeping me isn't enough of one :-(