Fraud
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Join Date: May 2016
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Fraud
So I go online to my bank and see a 500 charge from a hotel. Ends up XABF has been using my credit card to stay off the streets this past week. Charging food etc. I followed all the steps with the bank and contacted the hotel. Manager apologized and was furious at her staff for the blatant disregard to protocol. Here i am going NC. Was feeling peaceful and focusing on me and this makes me feel so angry that all i want to do is hunt him down and yell at him for what hes done.
My mom begged me not to take legal action. Shes afraid he is going to retaliate and hurt me if i do. But I just hate having to swollow another attack on me. Im trying to stay calm and not take it personally but I really really really want justice. At the very least ream him out. The one guy he was staying with contacted me and said my x stole from him yesterday...so my ex is MIA. He missed his supervised release meeting as well and most likely has a warrant out for his arrest.
When does this end? I am doing all the right things and still...drama. sorry for venting. Just feeling low. Have any of u had this stuff happen? What action did u take and what was the outcome?
My mom begged me not to take legal action. Shes afraid he is going to retaliate and hurt me if i do. But I just hate having to swollow another attack on me. Im trying to stay calm and not take it personally but I really really really want justice. At the very least ream him out. The one guy he was staying with contacted me and said my x stole from him yesterday...so my ex is MIA. He missed his supervised release meeting as well and most likely has a warrant out for his arrest.
When does this end? I am doing all the right things and still...drama. sorry for venting. Just feeling low. Have any of u had this stuff happen? What action did u take and what was the outcome?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Yes, I've had my identity stolen several times by my soon to be ex. He's taken out loans in my name, forged my signature, drained my (sole) bank account, and there has been no justice for me. The police report I filed went absolutely nowhere. I would love nothing more than for him to be in jail, but it looks like I'll be stuck with all this debt. No matter. Being free of him will be worth the struggle.
But, yes- file a police report. Hopefully your case will be handled with competence, unlike mine.
Good luck.
But, yes- file a police report. Hopefully your case will be handled with competence, unlike mine.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My mom begged me not to take legal action. She’s afraid he is going to retaliate and hurt me if i do.
You are more interested in yelling at him – reaming him out then you are with actually seeking justice for him stealing from you.
How do you know he missed his supervised meeting? Keeping tabs and having others fill you in on him isn’t letting go – that is still hanging on behavior.
Contact the police, file a report for theft……………
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
Yes fear has driven me long enough. I called the hotel about filing charges. They said because they didnt folllow protocol that there r no charges they can press. The only amount i can press charges on is the food charges which is less the 50 dollars but im going to look into it.
However I just deleted my fb and im going to continue NC. I have a new number but fb was how people were getting ahold of me. So no more social media for awhile. Bank already refunded the money and i have a new bank account to prevent further issues. While i know wanting to talk to him is pointless. I didnt act on it and am proud of myself for keeping control. Thank u for the feedback. All i have to do is to continue focusing on my recovery.
However I just deleted my fb and im going to continue NC. I have a new number but fb was how people were getting ahold of me. So no more social media for awhile. Bank already refunded the money and i have a new bank account to prevent further issues. While i know wanting to talk to him is pointless. I didnt act on it and am proud of myself for keeping control. Thank u for the feedback. All i have to do is to continue focusing on my recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
does he have a card issued in HIS name? or did he steal your card?
YOU can press charges.........it was YOUR card......
and good for you on resisting the urge to "talk" to him. we are WAY beyond the talking stage, eh?
YOU can press charges.........it was YOUR card......
and good for you on resisting the urge to "talk" to him. we are WAY beyond the talking stage, eh?
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
Sorry i was so heated i forgot to mention a key point. Deep breath...ok. this was the same hotel i had gotten the last time I saw him. (For those of u who read my first post surviving emotional and physical abuse). I had checked out of the room and told the front desk about my ex. They said the room was checked out and no one could get in the room. Well come to find out after i left the lady who worked the front desk gave him a key. I even called the next day to confirm the room was closed out and they said it was. Which is why there is no ground to file charges. He never forged my name. And any time u extend a stay at a hotel u have to come down stairs and show id. Which they didnt ask for. But yes...im way beyond the talking stage. This is just not ok. And i did try yesterday to file but these were the issues the manager told me about. And after my mom freaked me out I just went home feeling defeated. I wanted justice. I want it still. But i feel i just have to forge on at this point. Another lesson learned.
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Join Date: May 2016
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And to be completely honest...this is my fault. Im really mad at me. By staying in an abusive relationship I brought this upon myself. I hate my actions and I want to scream im so mad. How stupid was i? Like how many times do i need to get burned until i learn? Even when im done my actions allowed him to screw me over again. I did that. No one else...me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Just because you got the bank to refund the money into a new account, doesn’t make what he did to you right.
And just because the hotel didn’t do their job correctly and has refunded you the money, doesn’t make what he did to you right.
It was still criminal intent. I would at the very least file a police report regarding this incident even if it’s only a self-reporting report, it needs to be on record.
And just because the hotel didn’t do their job correctly and has refunded you the money, doesn’t make what he did to you right.
It was still criminal intent. I would at the very least file a police report regarding this incident even if it’s only a self-reporting report, it needs to be on record.
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
Self reporting? What is that? Last month he pawned some of my things. I want to file on that too but i dont know if bc its been a month if thats still possible. And everyone in my fam says dont. Thats why im reaching out here. I want to do the right thing for me. Not acting bc fear of retaliation only keeps me a victim and I want to act from a place of strength.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You can go to the police and say you have discovered some missing items that you believe he may have stolen and possible pawned. Tell them about the use of your bank card at the hotel as well. Sometimes some PD's will give you a paper to fill out that is basically you telling what happened so that it is on record. They would be the best ones to sit down with talk about this situation. Explain that you thought you were helping him but now realize that is not possible and that you need to protect yourself emotionally, physically and financially.
Your codependency came from somewhere and the fact your family doesn't want you to act in your own best interest and just pretend it didn't happen and go about life is a pretty clear sign of how you've been trained to think.
One way to stop being and feeling like a victim is taking your power back by doing the right thing for yourself, sticking up for yourself and not allowing anyone to get away with unacceptable behaviors.
Your codependency came from somewhere and the fact your family doesn't want you to act in your own best interest and just pretend it didn't happen and go about life is a pretty clear sign of how you've been trained to think.
One way to stop being and feeling like a victim is taking your power back by doing the right thing for yourself, sticking up for yourself and not allowing anyone to get away with unacceptable behaviors.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by Dreamcatcher44 
So I go online to my bank and see a 500 charge from a hotel. Ends up XABF has been using my credit card to stay off the streets this past week. Charging food etc. I followed all the steps with the bank and contacted the hotel. Manager apologized and was furious at her staff for the blatant disregard to protocol. Here i am going NC. Was feeling peaceful and focusing on me and this makes me feel so angry that all i want to do is hunt him down and yell at him for what hes done.
My mom begged me not to take legal action. Shes afraid he is going to retaliate and hurt me if i do. But I just hate having to swollow another attack on me. Im trying to stay calm and not take it personally but I really really really want justice. At the very least ream him out. The one guy he was staying with contacted me and said my x stole from him yesterday...so my ex is MIA. He missed his supervised release meeting as well and most likely has a warrant out for his arrest.
When does this end? I am doing all the right things and still...drama. sorry for venting. Just feeling low. Have any of u had this stuff happen? What action did u take and what was the outcome?
My mom begged me not to take legal action. Shes afraid he is going to retaliate and hurt me if i do. But I just hate having to swollow another attack on me. Im trying to stay calm and not take it personally but I really really really want justice. At the very least ream him out. The one guy he was staying with contacted me and said my x stole from him yesterday...so my ex is MIA. He missed his supervised release meeting as well and most likely has a warrant out for his arrest.
When does this end? I am doing all the right things and still...drama. sorry for venting. Just feeling low. Have any of u had this stuff happen? What action did u take and what was the outcome?
The biggest thing I have to deal with is that the car that he was driving was financed through me, bank repoed it and I am left with the bill. It really sucks, but I have come to terms that I chose this man and I have to pay for it, literally with my $ 
Not only that, he gets to stay on my health insurance until January 2017 (I pay $200 PER paycheck just to keep his as* on). This way he is in a rehab far far away (somewhere in Cali), while I am going through divorce here. I am willing to pay this price to not have him in a close proximity. I can only speak for myself. If my ex husband used my card now, when I know its over, I would call 911. I don't want to be with him anymore, I don't feel bad if he goes to jail (its the only safe place for him, honestly). When we were together and I WANTED to stay together I did nothing when he stole my valuables, used my card and ran through my finances
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
Your codependency came from somewhere and the fact your family doesn't want you to act in your own best interest and just pretend it didn't happen and go about life is a pretty clear sign of how you've been trained to think.
Atalose...my dad is an alcoholic. Has been one my entire life. After knowing more i do think my mom has some codependant traits...so yes I've been conditioned to sweep things under the rug. Its hard for me to say that about my mom because shes such a strong person and i look up to her. But there has always this need to side step things and I dont want to do that anymore. She discussed going to meetings as well so maybe this will help our family become healthier in how we deal with issues. Thank u.
Atalose...my dad is an alcoholic. Has been one my entire life. After knowing more i do think my mom has some codependant traits...so yes I've been conditioned to sweep things under the rug. Its hard for me to say that about my mom because shes such a strong person and i look up to her. But there has always this need to side step things and I dont want to do that anymore. She discussed going to meetings as well so maybe this will help our family become healthier in how we deal with issues. Thank u.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The only thing that happens when you continue to sweep things under that rug is a big giant mound that you find yourself tripping over again and again.
I think if you go to meetings, work on your issues it will become clear for others to see how living another way in life, a healthier way in life can be beneficial.
I think if you go to meetings, work on your issues it will become clear for others to see how living another way in life, a healthier way in life can be beneficial.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
Glitterdiva. Thank u for sharing. Ur points hit home with me...initially i didnt press charges because I still had hope for us as a couple. Now on the other hand..i feel much different. Ur right...jail would be for the best and since he has been arrested twice in the past month its only a matter of time before hes back in there. I can only imagine having a monthly reminder financially like u do..must be so hard but ur logic makes sense. Its worth it for u bc it gives u distance to take care of what u need to do. Divorce etc. I wish u luck during ur recovery and hearing from u all makes me feel more empowered to act. Thanks.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
And to be completely honest...this is my fault. Im really mad at me. By staying in an abusive relationship I brought this upon myself. I hate my actions and I want to scream im so mad. How stupid was i? Like how many times do i need to get burned until i learn? Even when im done my actions allowed him to screw me over again. I did that. No one else...me.
Dreamcatcher, what he did this week is NOT YOUR FAULT. Not at all.
YOU did not MAKE him track you down while you were hiding from him, find the hotel you chose as a safe refuge, ask for the key to YOUR room, and go up and charge expenses on YOUR bill.
HE did this all by himself.
You did not MAKE him go to YOUR bank and take money out of YOUR account.
HE did this all by himself.
For me, after almost 20 years in a marriage to an abusive then alcoholic, at the end I found it very hard to understand where the line was between what was him and what was me.
There is almost a magical quality to how we think: if HE did something bad, it is because I allowed it to happen, and therefore, the accountability for the bad action shifts to ME.
Not true. We are each always solely accountable for our own actions and our own choices. The fact that we may not have in the past made our boundaries clear to our abuser does not mean that we willfully and knowingly gave permission to our abuser to do bad things to us.
You might look up English Garden's "What is Abuse" thread in the stickies in the Family and Friends of Alcoholics forum. She is eloquent in articulating what is included in abuse. My story is there, and you might want to read my prior threads to see the path I've followed as I healed after leaving my husband now almost 4 years ago.
Sometimes when we are brainwashed by our submission to abuse, we begin to see the world through the lense of our abuser. To say that you are responsible for your boyfriend wrongly stealing a hotel room, food, and bank account money from you is twisted thinking. It is something HE might say to justify himself:
"well you left me, and I had no place to live, and if you hadn't left me, I would have had food and a roof over my head, so that is all your fault. Since you caused my problem, it was reasonable for me to make YOU solve MY problem by stealing your hotel, food, and money. After all, you hurt me because you did that, and I am ENTITLED to take back what you took away from me. If you weren't such a "XXXXX", (take your pick of epithets), you wouldn't have abandoned me and the care you owe me, so I am going to break your little red wagon just to show you how bad you really are."
The co-dependence here comes in believing that you EVER owed him ANYTHING. Giving to another person depends on love and trust, and he broke that. He owns what he did to break trust, and he owns everything he did after that.
Alanon says the famous three "C's":
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it; and,
You can't cure it.
Once we, as co-dependents, really get this through our minds and hearts, we are freed. We still own our prior bad choices, but we are free to let our abusers live their own lives without feeling responsible for their choices.
ShootingStar1
Dreamcatcher, what he did this week is NOT YOUR FAULT. Not at all.
YOU did not MAKE him track you down while you were hiding from him, find the hotel you chose as a safe refuge, ask for the key to YOUR room, and go up and charge expenses on YOUR bill.
HE did this all by himself.
You did not MAKE him go to YOUR bank and take money out of YOUR account.
HE did this all by himself.
For me, after almost 20 years in a marriage to an abusive then alcoholic, at the end I found it very hard to understand where the line was between what was him and what was me.
There is almost a magical quality to how we think: if HE did something bad, it is because I allowed it to happen, and therefore, the accountability for the bad action shifts to ME.
Not true. We are each always solely accountable for our own actions and our own choices. The fact that we may not have in the past made our boundaries clear to our abuser does not mean that we willfully and knowingly gave permission to our abuser to do bad things to us.
You might look up English Garden's "What is Abuse" thread in the stickies in the Family and Friends of Alcoholics forum. She is eloquent in articulating what is included in abuse. My story is there, and you might want to read my prior threads to see the path I've followed as I healed after leaving my husband now almost 4 years ago.
Sometimes when we are brainwashed by our submission to abuse, we begin to see the world through the lense of our abuser. To say that you are responsible for your boyfriend wrongly stealing a hotel room, food, and bank account money from you is twisted thinking. It is something HE might say to justify himself:
"well you left me, and I had no place to live, and if you hadn't left me, I would have had food and a roof over my head, so that is all your fault. Since you caused my problem, it was reasonable for me to make YOU solve MY problem by stealing your hotel, food, and money. After all, you hurt me because you did that, and I am ENTITLED to take back what you took away from me. If you weren't such a "XXXXX", (take your pick of epithets), you wouldn't have abandoned me and the care you owe me, so I am going to break your little red wagon just to show you how bad you really are."
The co-dependence here comes in believing that you EVER owed him ANYTHING. Giving to another person depends on love and trust, and he broke that. He owns what he did to break trust, and he owns everything he did after that.
Alanon says the famous three "C's":
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it; and,
You can't cure it.
Once we, as co-dependents, really get this through our minds and hearts, we are freed. We still own our prior bad choices, but we are free to let our abusers live their own lives without feeling responsible for their choices.
ShootingStar1
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am going out on a limb here by saying this, but maybe it will help.
My son stole thousands from me, belongings and valuables that he pawned, money from my bank account by using a check from the middle of my check book, cash from my purse...over time it added up and I wish I had pressed charges the very first time. If I had it to do over again I would have charged him every single time. I didn't charge him once.
Looking back I don't know why I didn't. I think I was afraid that if I did, I would lose him forever...and yet, that's exactly what happened anyway. Maybe if I had charged him, the outcome of all this would have been different...but that's all woulda, coulda, shoulda stuff that I don't bother with any more.
Whether you charge him or not, please be done with him and stay no contact. If you don't, it will just get worse.
I really do think a police report (and a restraining order to keep him away from you) would be a very good idea. But if you choose not to, at least take care of yourself and stay away from him...because he will do it again and again and again...until you finally break away.
It stops when WE say so. Today is a good day to start.
Hugs
My son stole thousands from me, belongings and valuables that he pawned, money from my bank account by using a check from the middle of my check book, cash from my purse...over time it added up and I wish I had pressed charges the very first time. If I had it to do over again I would have charged him every single time. I didn't charge him once.
Looking back I don't know why I didn't. I think I was afraid that if I did, I would lose him forever...and yet, that's exactly what happened anyway. Maybe if I had charged him, the outcome of all this would have been different...but that's all woulda, coulda, shoulda stuff that I don't bother with any more.
Whether you charge him or not, please be done with him and stay no contact. If you don't, it will just get worse.
I really do think a police report (and a restraining order to keep him away from you) would be a very good idea. But if you choose not to, at least take care of yourself and stay away from him...because he will do it again and again and again...until you finally break away.
It stops when WE say so. Today is a good day to start.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
I couldn't sleep last night. I stayed up all night thinking about what everyone said about the current state of my life. For me personally I have nothing to gain by filing charges. The truth of it (however irrational it may be) is that I love my XABF. And although he has hurt me. Although for my own sanity and safety i must remove him from my life i still love him as a person. I do not love the addict and while that is a part of him and will forever be a part of who he is I chose to take the higher path and forgive him. I forgive because while i may have a temporary sense of justice by filing there is no real justice to be had. Anything I did would be retaliation against a sick person and however much I may think its for the right reasons its purely from a place of hurt. He is gone and his life is in gods hands. Thank u so much for those of u who took the time to read and respond. I have taken ur advice to heart and going forward I will leave this toxic state of mind behind me and accept what i cant change. Change what i can. And pray for gods strength to stay on his intended path for me and my life.
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