woopsidaisy

I am soooooo sick of being pummeled by my parents' comments on how selfish I am, or stubborn, or inflexible, or how I need to fix this, that, and the other. After 25 years of dealing with my brother's drug addiction, and my mother's die-hard insistence of enabling that addiction, I've distanced myself from it - or thought I had.

With 2 small children of my own, my spouse and I agreed that my brother was not welcome at our home until he was in recovery and had talked to me about his recovery. He has blamed me for the interference of the intervention 5 years ago, for continuing to talk to his ex-girlfriend (the mother of my nephew that my brother has lost all visiting rights to see), and a bunch of other things.

My parents took my brother to their home 2 years ago. They 'say' he's sober, but he's not had rehab, and my mother has always lied about how great he's doing. He goes to some therapist once a week, and I think an AA once a week. After decades of crack, cocaine, meth, alcohol, etc; numerous trips to the ER and hospital stays for overdosing; at least one arrest and one DUI; my intuition tells me that he's just going through the motions to appease my parents and get a place to stay, nice meals, a cell phone, and outings to the movies and ball games.

But now my parents want to visit with him in tow. And they are furious with me for saying 'no.' They've hung up on me, yelled at me, told me I need my head examined, and spouted all kinds of insults. They say that I'm the only one keeping our family separated.

Due to my insistence that my brother talk to me before any consideration could be made, I guess they talked him into it. My brother left a voicemail that was nice enough - but still never admitted to having an addiction, just to being sorry that things had gotten so bad and that he was seeing a therapist, and was hoping to get 'such-n-such' job soon. Same speech from the last 20 years.

After all these years, something broke. I just don't want to deal with them anymore. Part of me wants to pick up the phone. Another, just wants silence with them. Got a message from my mom today, basically saying - guilt, guilt, guilt, blame, blame, guilt, guilt. No empathy. No support. No reaching out to me. I always thought that reconciliation was the goal of all this mayhem in an addiction family. But now, I feel that this hope is gone... Bottom line - they can't love me, not if my brother is around. And I don't want to be around them if my ego has to take these hits all the time.

Ann

It's okay to put up a boundary to protect your own peace of mind and home. It's okay to detach from even family members when any interaction becomes toxic.

You get to decide who may or may not share your life. I too would exclude anyone who called me names or treated me badly by trying to guilt or shame me into a relationship...just because they are family.

It would be nice if one day you could all reconcile your differences, but it's not a perfect world and that may or may not happen.

In the meantime it's okay to protect your own family and find peace.

Hugs

zoso77

I see this is only your third post after joining us this month, so Welcome to the Board. I'm going to skip my usual preamble when I greet newcomers and cut to the chase.

This is unintentionally hilarious on multiple levels. Why? Because if anything has created a rift within the family, it's been your AB's addiction issues that have been going on since George H.W. Bush was in the Oval Office. I mean, Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer were popular 25 years ago, and while taste in music has changed, your AB has stayed the same, i.e. --

Truth be told, so have your parents. And in order to avoid looking at their own behavior and choices, they're singling you out for holding firm on your boundaries. If any heads need to be examined, it's theirs. Don't buy what they're selling.

Normally I'm not this direct with newcomers, whoosidaisy. To call your parents' behavior egregious is an understatement. You have two small children of your own, and yet your parents believe it's appropriate that your AB accompany them to your home?

Sometimes in this life, we're confronted by people we love behaving poorly. And when confronted by this, we're left with choices that are uncomfortable. How you handle your parents and your AB will ultimately be your call, but I hope that you know intuitively that you're not the squeaky wheel in this family. Your AB and your enabling parents are. Based on that, you are well within your rights to do what is necessary to protect yourself and your children. If your parents don't like your decisions, that's their problem, not yours.

I'll leave you with this. It is fitting in a way that Ann greeted you first. She's one of gems here in our little corner of SR. I encourage you to read up on her story (I don't want to steal her thunder), for she is everything that your parents are not. She had to make an extremely difficult decision, one that flew in the face of every maternal instinct she had...but she was left with no choice if she wanted to be sane and well.

Keep us posted, be safe, and again, Welcome to the Board.

Anaya

woopsidaisy: Welcome! I am sorry you have to be here but it's a good place for sharing and support.

Other posters have said it well. I support you in making boundaries and keeping them. It's tough to be in your position, a victim of collateral damage, and I am sorry to hear of your experiences.

I've made and continue to work on boundaries and this keeps me on a fairly normal path.

I'm the mom of an AS, and his sister, my adult daughter, has suffered collateral damage as well, so I understand your points. My heart goes out to the sibs of addicts, who are affected by the negative behavior and dysfunction.

woopsidaisy

Thank you Ann, Zoso, Anaya - you have helped me find my equilibrium again. Seriously. I'm so thankful to have found SR.

One of the evils of being in the family of an addict and codependents (and fighting codependency myself) is the disturbing propensity of these dynamics to lead me towards self-doubt. My intellect may know about the wacky effects of addiction, but my emotions tend to internalize the negativity. And so I vocalize independence, boundaries, and healthy process, but my thoughts and fears go straight to where my parents' manipulations want them to go. Am I really responsible for keeping the family estranged? Am I really being selfish, sanctimonious, and unforgiving? Am I really not worthy of their love?

Your comments have helped me dis-empower those inner thoughts and fears. They're not gone, but they have a lot less power than they did a few days ago.
Thank you....

zoso77

No.

You're acting in your best interests given the fact your AB has been battling with addiction for 25 years. There's nothing sanctimonious about it. And one can forgive someone for harming us while at the same time keeping them at arm's length. So selfish is the wrong term. I prefer self preservation in the face of overwhelming anecdotal evidence.

I really don't like this question. It's the wrong question to ask. My personal belief with respect to your parents is on some level, your mother, father or both believe they bear some responsibility for how your AB has turned out. Of course, that's not true, but just because something's not true doesn't preclude us from believing it if our thinking is messed up. So they compensate to the extreme. They want to show your AB and they're there for him, no matter how many lines of blow he does, how much crack he smokes, or how often he ends up in the ER with an overdose. And yet, they never consider the fact that their unconditional support has led to precisely no change in behavior from your AB. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?

And the price they pay, whether they realize it or not, is they're estranging their other child.

I realize that because it's your parents, you're sensitive to how they perceive you. But I can assure you they need their heads examined, not you. Treat them with compassion, treat them with respect, but don't allow them to make you doubt yourself. Stay strong, keep doing what you're doing. It's all you can do.

Ann

My son is an addict, lost in his addiction somewhere now for over 10 years but prior to that I went through hell letting him come home each time he made some effort to get clean or after rehab, to give him a chance to get on his feet again. We gave him a loving home, my husband gave him a job in his business and made allowances to go to meetings or counseling during business hours. Each time it ended badly, each time our home turned into a war zone and I very nearly lost my mind and my health.

And yet...each time I could not say "n o". And the circus came back to town for another round of insanity.

Until one day I did. There was an incident (caused by me) at a crackhouse and I found clarity that same day. Addiction was insane, my son was insane, and worst of all "I" was insane.

That was when I gave my son's care to God and began my own road to recovery, and I have never looked back.

I tell you this because your parents are caught up in the insanity too. They haven't found their way yet, and if they are like me it may take many years until they just cannot take one more day of living with the insanity of addiction.

You can't make them see the light, but you can take very good care of yourself and protect yourself from all the craziness and heartache that addiction brings.

I am going out on a limb here and am going to suggest that they DO love you, very much. The problem is that their world has become their normal and they cannot see beyond that nor can they understand why you (or anyone) would refuse to be part of it.

I hope this helps a little. There is always hope for your brother (and my son) and your parents too. For me, letting go and giving the whole thing to God was the only way I could move on and find a life worth living.

Today I have no guilt, no shame, my resentments have turned to forgiveness and my fear has turned to faith...my program taught me this and I will always be grateful for a room full of people and 12 little steps that truly saved my life.

You may want to try meetings too, there are probably some in your area and if you are like me, you may find that the people there have something you want....it's called serenity. Serenity was the light that kept me coming back and even though my son has been gone for years, those 12 steps help me in all areas of my life today.

I will include your brother and your parents in my prayers.

Hugs

PuzzledHeart

I think I'm going to have to print this up and post this on my wall.

It's incredibly difficult to be cast as the difficult one, the selfish one, the unforgiving one, especially by your family. I went No Contact with the woman who abused my sister and myself. My sister told me that we had deserved our punishments and it was only years later when she started raising her own children did she realize how bad it was.

Whenever somebody tells me to forgive our caretaker, I look at my own sister and see what happened. My sister repeatedly stuffed whatever pain she had inside her and just internalized it. She's turned to pot for many, many years now, and she's stuck herself with a boyfriend in his mid-forties who still lives with his parents who is a self-admitted pot smoker too. She's not self-sufficient, she's a compulsive liar who continues to believe her own delusions.

I just look at her and think, this is what happens when you try to hide things and dismiss them.

I read a story once of a woman who was lost at sea with a number of people who were not mentally prepared for the situation. They started drinking seawater and they became so delusional that they jumped out of the boat, thinking they were going to buy cigarettes, and swam straight into the sharks. She could have tried to save them, but it would have been absolutely pointless.

Sometimes with my family, especially my dad, I think they're trying to have me drink the seawater like it's a family meal, so they don't have to drink it by themselves.

I can't offer any sage advice, because I myself am still struggling with the anger. But I can tell you that you're not the only sibling who faces this, and you are not alone.

woopsidaisy

Ann, that's an amazing and inspiring account of your experience with your son. Courageous. Loving. Heartbreaking. Bittersweet. Hopeful. You are my hero. I will carry your story with me as I struggle through this hell. Right now, the most inspiring part is re-learning that I don't have to stay in the hell. It's my choice to stay if I want - and I don't want.

I will go back to Al-anon. It's been a part of my life for years - though on and off. Clearly, I need the consistency of it and it's heathy vitamins of self-preservation, self-love, and hope.
In my heart of hearts, I know that this is how to be healthier and happier in all aspects of life - not just regarding my brother and parents.

i don't know what to do about my parents seeing my children. They love my 2 girls and my girls love them. In my inability to be around them, I can certainly refrain from talking to them for a while - and haven't for the past few weeks. But my girls are now asking to see their grandparents. ( a visit we were all looking forward to - before this latest push to bring my brother)

And so if or when they finally visit, I'm afraid that I will not have the boundaries or maturity to withstand their destructive comments.

Thank you again...

Vale

woopsidaisy,

The strong aren't ever going to be liked by the weak.
When you fold under pressure the LAST thing you want
in life is to be reminded that there are people in this
world that DON'T.

Your daughters need you to be strong. They need
you to keep a hermetic seal between them and the
horror of addiction. You are the Captain of the ship
that carries the vital interests of 2 little girls. You have
been painted into a corner not of your own choosing
by decisions not your own. But you and you alone
decide on the heading of your ship of life.

Listen to Ann & Zoso. Their sage advice is as
sound as continental granite.

I seldom comment on these boards anymore----
the time when addiction was a complication of my
life is fast receding past the half decadal point. But
I will not stay silent when I see greatness.

You are wrong about one thing. Your
statement that after 20 years something 'broke'
in you. Incorrect. What happened is that which
is your very soul-----flat out refused to be broken
any more.

Strength and depth of character is rare to see.
It always has been and always will be. Those so
blessed will never allow tactical expediency to
override the strategic imperative that is their life.

You are strong woopsidaisy.

Carry on.