Chino

I was channel surfing and saw a Dr Phil intervention.

You know when I realized there wasn't much difference between me and my addicted daughter? When I turned the tables on myself. Prime example:

Back when I was a master enabler, I loathed brutal honesty. I felt attacked because I wasn't the addict. It was sheer desperation and horrible emotional pain that finally broke me down, helped me see that I was a major part of the problem. I didn't cause her addiction, I couldn't control it, and I sure as hell couldn't cure it. But damn it, I was absolutely contributing to it.

Ilovemysonjj

Thank you Chino! I completely agree. My enabling was/(sometimes still is) a key part of the dance between JJ and I.
I am still learning the new steps and sitting on my hands when MY stress level goes high.

Anaya

So true for me as well.

...praying, sitting on my hands, biting my tongue, pushing myself to move forward when I'm emotionally vulnerable -- very necessary for me to get through some days.

It's so much easier to stay focused on keeping boundaries when things are calm (at least for me it is).

Anaya

Chino: Was Dr. Phil saying what you quoted above, "You're choosing to do what makes you comfortable and to hell with your daughter."

"Don't you wish you could fix all the mistakes you made when she was a child? Well, this is your do over and it's time to step up."

I guess I would have to watch the intervention to get the whole picture so can't comment on that situation specifically.

In general, as far as moms being selfish, I get tired of parents (moms!) being made to feel responsible for situations and actions of their children that are out of their control and sometimes being called selfish. So much of life is out of our control anyway...not an excuse, just an observation.

I do agree with personal accountability and responsibility for each person in a relationship but don't see how blaming and guilting is productive in helping to point people to a better path in relationships.

I have watched very little of Dr. Phil's show and might not "get" the message and could be missing the tone (maybe helpful and positive?) but do know that in the media, generally, sensationalism sells, brings ratings up; people are more likely to tune in if there's a lot of drama.

Eauchiche

I too have been a BIG enabler. I feel like I have barely begun to work on that. I have to admit, though, that I get some pushback from others who are unaccustomed to me having strong opinions when I vocalize them. This makes me think I might be making a little progress in my own recovery.

talldude

I've always found it interesting how some very "socially gifted" people have no place for honesty in their lives. lol

Ann

I too was an enabling mother, not in denial but truly blind to the fact that what I thought was loving kindness, financial help, offering a good safe home for him to live, bailing him out of jail (once only)...all that I thought was loving kindness just made everything worse. Worse for him because it allowed him to keep using without consequences and worse for me because the more I did, the sicker I got until my kindness almost killed me.

Thank you for this Chino, I own my part in everything I did and when I knew better, I did better.

I also forgive myself for being so clumsy, for not reaching out for professional help before my whole life became wrapped in addiction.

And I forgive my son, he's not a bad person, he's a sick person who I hope will one day get well.

Hugs

Chino

Everything in quotations are Dr Phil's words.

He wasn't holding the mom responsible for anything except her enabling, and that's why he called her selfish. She wasn't even in denial, she was more passive than anything else. She just didn't want to deal with her addicted daughter's wrath.

Chino

While I've forgiven myself, I won't let myself forget what kind of damage my out of control ego can do. I knew better

Anaya

Thank you for clarifying that for me, Chino.

Ann

Yes, Chino, my ego too. I thought that "I" would be "the one" to save my son from his dark place of addiction, when in fact I never had the power to do that, he alone did, with God's help.

When I look back today, I hardly know that person called "me" who was so lost in the darkness. But I need to remember so that I never return to the insanity that was once my life.

Hugs

Anaya

Thinking about what you said Ann - "...I hardly know that person called "me" who was so lost" -

I'm thinking the same of myself when looking back from 2006 until when my son moved out of home for good and, honestly, it gives me a jolt.

I guess that's a good thing, that I'm more in touch with reality than before.

thequest

Parents & older family can be easily deceived or manipulated because they look/think of alkie/addict as that young innocent child. Especially without daily or regular contact. I've seen family & relatives deceived much longer than they should've been because they still treated them as kid doting over them with excessive hospitality making sure they had a drink in hand at all time. It took years but they finally realized its bring your own get your own alcohol.

And if you already gave them some second and third chances and assistance of any kind there is no guilt or obligation to an alkie/addict-my opinion only. I've seen an alkie/addict guilt trip and play victim to family especially.

It takes most time realize there is a problem and they shouldn't enable which another step because people tend to want to help(too much).

Even if everybody else is enabling one should not feel obligated or shamed to do so.

Bekindalways

Irk, my hat is off to you parents of addicts. This must be incredibly hard; as Thequest said above, you knew these people as tiny innocents.

I don't have children but am close to my nephews who are 9 and 13. I'm already having to work to keep my sticky paws off of them as they have gotten older and independent. I know there are no guarantees with kids so if these young ones go the addict route, I swear I will be here every day.