mkr86

Hey everyone ,

I've posted quite a few times about my ABF K. I've tried to muster up the courage to walk away from this relationship, but I haven't Yet found the strength to do so. I'm a severe codependent and emotionally broken person.
I live with K in city "S", however I am from city "R" 2.5 hours away. I have to come back here every week for physiotherapy. His continued downward spiral has me putting my therapy on the back burner so that I can be there with him. Lately his new thing is to add Xanax to his already lethal combination of substances (Fentanyl, cocaine, alcohol) this addition makes him farther gone than i have ever seen anyone.
The last week has been a blur. He wouldn't sleep for days, was passing out everywhere, I was worried to leave the room for 5 mins because his breathing was so spaced out and I thought multiple times he was overdosing.
I know - he could die regardless of if I am there or not. He could OD right beside me and it wouldn't be because I didn't do enough to save him. I understand that. I just feel so terrible that he is going through this pain, wanting to numb everything to this extent.
I have come back to city R on Sunday afternoon. He went back to city S and has not slept, been binging on drugs and this morning I thought I was watching him overdose on FaceTime. It was the scariest thing ever. I wanted to grab my stuff and instantly hop in the car and speed back to him. I got ahold of his brother who went to check on him and he was ok. He woke up a little while ago, we spoke again.
He was speaking complete and utter NONSENSE yet thinking he was making sense, and getting angry at me for not understanding his slurred grunts. He has no idea what's going on. I fear the worst, what am I supposed to do. I have the craziest anxiety, I missed my physio today because I'm sitting here crying and praying and being a typical psycho codependent. I truly feel I am going crazy. The last thing he said to me was "f**k you" after I told him - more like begged him - to please go back to bed and sleep it off.

Is anyone else in as deep as me? Almost 5 years together, this is the worst I've seen him.
How the F does one detach with love? How can I get though this :'(
He is 30 years old. I am wasting my life trying to save him.

**might I just add, I read my post previous to this. I just took in everything everyone said there. I don't know what I would do without this website.
In between last update and now, he completed a 10-day detox program, I was so proud. Then he relapsed 6 hours after I picked him up my heart just broke.

AnvilheadII

sweetie, this is so way above and beyond the guidelines for girlfriends! you have become caretaker, EMT, nurse, addiction specialist.....without any training, just taking artillery fire in the trenches.

at some point you have to say ENOUGH. you have DONE enough, tried enough. and it's all on HIM now. if you know he's home and out of his mind, you could ask the police to do a Care Call, because you feel he is a threat to himself. seriously leave this to the professionals.

you need YOUR life back. don't let addiction wreck TWO lives.

Ariesagain

You don't get in your car and race to his side, you call 911.

At this point, he isn't experiencing pain unless he's in withdrawal and then it's primarily physical. The one in severe emotional pain is you.

You've lost five years to his addiction. How many more are you willing to lose?

He's gone and only the addict remains, but you still have a chance at a happy life.

Please take it?

Hechosedrugs

Thank you, Aries Again. If only I had realized this years ago: He's gone, and only the addict remains.

doggonecarl

At this point you just need to detach. Completely.

atalose

It's called SELF love......and accepting that you deserve far better then this.

Dreamcatcher44

I really am so sorry u are going through this mkr36. I have only done one year with my addict and I feel so drained and depleted of energy i can only imagine doing 5. Being in such close proximity to illness makes anyone go crazy. I am on day 2 NC and reading ur post makes me know that if i stay that this could be me. And i pray u find peace apart from ur bfs addiction. I pray he finds peace and overcomes his addiction. Seems that despite ur best efforts ur addict is only getting worse. Progressing towards more lethal combinations and u are literally front row seats watching him die. Which sadly can become a reality and is that something u really want to watch? Maybe u walking will be the final straw that snaps him back to life and into recovery!! U have nothing to lose at this point and everything to gain. I am new to all of this and being able to come on here and talk to other people has been a god send. Its so lonely loving an addict. U hope ur love is the light they will come back to but in the fog of addiction they cannot see. The choice of what to do is entirely up to u but no matter what happens know ur being there wont affect the outcome. And if u cannot give up then its time to switch tactics. Goodluck.