New here...looking for help / insight
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 1
New here...looking for help / insight
Ok, this may be long and rambling....but I may miss details. I am pretty much feeling hopeless. So if you can offer any advice thanks, if you have nothing nice to say well I have enough on my plate so just dont say it .
ive been in a relationship with a man 6 years older than me for about 9 years now. we have 2 small kids. he smokes weed every day, multiple times a day....esp when he is stressed. we cant go anywhere / do anything until he smokes usually. he also usually has a beer at least everyday. he's been doing this since he was 16, he is now 32. I guess before kids I was like whatever because i was 17 when i met him...so i didn't care too much, i joined in sometimes. Then we had kids, time seemed to stand still. He didnt change, drank more. I was often taking care of the kids alone, I often myself felt neglected. I ended up cheating on him a year or so later, i got so lonely. I AM NOT defending my behavior, it disgusts me. Even if im neglected / treated like **** nothing can make that OK. Would never do it again, and haven't. That was a few years back. Anyways.....so he takes me back, a few months later gets me pregnant again (he said he wanted another child)
Nothing changes. in all this time. I got into an accident last summer, head injury etc. He never made it to the hospital, came home he was here smoking dope for sure because the back door was open to air it out :'(. Hurt me really bad he didn't see me at the hospital. Then 4 days later, I got worse didn't feel right (from the head injury) i needed to go to the ER and he told me "wait until i get off work" seriously!??!?! I had to ask the neighbor who i dont even trust to drive me, i had no choice.
I have PTSD, anxiety, etc. I pretty much feel isolated from the world. I don't drive due to being traumatized. Even for Mothers day he tells me "Oh i wasnt going to smoke today, but you stress me out" why am i getting blamed for his smoking and drinking???? Bull crap. I dont even know where i am going with this post.
Some days I want to stay when his nice side comes out, but a lot of the days I cringe around him and feel like i have an armor of steel around me.
I have to constantly worry about how much he drinks / smokes because he drives us everywhere. His family / everyone is is surronded by is the same. Theyre all 25+ and drink A LOT and smoke, and probably more. It sounds silly, but just it hurts he smokes so much and drinks so much.
He is pretty much emotionally available. I am stupid, and so dependent on him (he always says he doesnt want me to work, OR at least not nights blah blah) that it is so hard to leave...plus with two kids. The pain i feel lately is so unbearable though. But a lot of the times I just feel guilty, and like I will never find someone who can be emotionally available and love me right.
For an addict, do you leave...do you stay? I dont think he will ever stop smoking. The drinking he cuts out here and there and doesnt get drunk but still. Ive on multiple occasions seen him drink at 6am, 10am, etc. Who does that?
ive been in a relationship with a man 6 years older than me for about 9 years now. we have 2 small kids. he smokes weed every day, multiple times a day....esp when he is stressed. we cant go anywhere / do anything until he smokes usually. he also usually has a beer at least everyday. he's been doing this since he was 16, he is now 32. I guess before kids I was like whatever because i was 17 when i met him...so i didn't care too much, i joined in sometimes. Then we had kids, time seemed to stand still. He didnt change, drank more. I was often taking care of the kids alone, I often myself felt neglected. I ended up cheating on him a year or so later, i got so lonely. I AM NOT defending my behavior, it disgusts me. Even if im neglected / treated like **** nothing can make that OK. Would never do it again, and haven't. That was a few years back. Anyways.....so he takes me back, a few months later gets me pregnant again (he said he wanted another child)
Nothing changes. in all this time. I got into an accident last summer, head injury etc. He never made it to the hospital, came home he was here smoking dope for sure because the back door was open to air it out :'(. Hurt me really bad he didn't see me at the hospital. Then 4 days later, I got worse didn't feel right (from the head injury) i needed to go to the ER and he told me "wait until i get off work" seriously!??!?! I had to ask the neighbor who i dont even trust to drive me, i had no choice.
I have PTSD, anxiety, etc. I pretty much feel isolated from the world. I don't drive due to being traumatized. Even for Mothers day he tells me "Oh i wasnt going to smoke today, but you stress me out" why am i getting blamed for his smoking and drinking???? Bull crap. I dont even know where i am going with this post.
Some days I want to stay when his nice side comes out, but a lot of the days I cringe around him and feel like i have an armor of steel around me.
I have to constantly worry about how much he drinks / smokes because he drives us everywhere. His family / everyone is is surronded by is the same. Theyre all 25+ and drink A LOT and smoke, and probably more. It sounds silly, but just it hurts he smokes so much and drinks so much.
He is pretty much emotionally available. I am stupid, and so dependent on him (he always says he doesnt want me to work, OR at least not nights blah blah) that it is so hard to leave...plus with two kids. The pain i feel lately is so unbearable though. But a lot of the times I just feel guilty, and like I will never find someone who can be emotionally available and love me right.
For an addict, do you leave...do you stay? I dont think he will ever stop smoking. The drinking he cuts out here and there and doesnt get drunk but still. Ive on multiple occasions seen him drink at 6am, 10am, etc. Who does that?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. I am sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you are here. SR is a place of great support. I encourage you to read the stickies at the top of the forum, they are of great support and education.
Unfortunately, no one can tell you to stay or go. For myself, enough was enough. When the pain of staying becomes too much, and you realize he is never going to change, you may decide to go. This is who he is.
You must ask yourself, what kind of future do you want and deserve? What can you do to achieve that. If this were one of your own children asking you what to do in this situation, what would you say?
These are big decisions, and there is no rush to get there. This is not a marathon, it's your life. So get a support system, educate yourself of addiction and what it would take to leave the relationship if it comes to that. Visit an attorney (most give a consult for free).
Most of all, know you are not stupid. You have been with this man for years. When we are so young, we are not asking ourselves what life will be like in the future with this person, we are living in the moment.
Tight hugs. We are here walking this with you, you are not alone.
Unfortunately, no one can tell you to stay or go. For myself, enough was enough. When the pain of staying becomes too much, and you realize he is never going to change, you may decide to go. This is who he is.
You must ask yourself, what kind of future do you want and deserve? What can you do to achieve that. If this were one of your own children asking you what to do in this situation, what would you say?
These are big decisions, and there is no rush to get there. This is not a marathon, it's your life. So get a support system, educate yourself of addiction and what it would take to leave the relationship if it comes to that. Visit an attorney (most give a consult for free).
Most of all, know you are not stupid. You have been with this man for years. When we are so young, we are not asking ourselves what life will be like in the future with this person, we are living in the moment.
Tight hugs. We are here walking this with you, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
As hopeful indicated, many times the breaking point comes when you realize they won't ever change. And...what often keeps people IN relationships longer than they should be is the hope/wish that they WILL change.
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