Boyfriend getting out of jail

Old 05-09-2016, 05:31 AM
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Boyfriend getting out of jail

My boyfriend was arrested in April for drugs and is getting out this week. I am excited he's getting out I am also angry with him and scared that this is going to happen again. He says he's going to get a job and stay sober but he's said that before and actually having a job and having money scares me too. I don't know what to expect when he gets out. I've read that people get released and overdose a day or 2 later. I'm also worried he's going to want to hang out with the same people and I don't want him to. I didn't think I would be feeling so angry and worried this close to him being released. I know I need to talk to him about my concerns and feelings about certain things. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice for me.
Thanks
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Old 05-09-2016, 07:12 AM
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Hi, Lily...

I think the apprehension you're experiencing is normal given the circumstances. The truth is we don't know what's going to happen once your ABF is released. A good rule of thumb is to prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I also encourage you to judge him not by his words but by his deeds. Addicts always say when they get out of the clink that they're going to turn over a new leaf, not use, get a job, etc. Sadly, they don't follow through on those promises very often.

The only thing you can do is look after yourself. Whatever your ABF does or doesn't do isn't in your control.

Keep us posted.
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Old 05-09-2016, 08:04 AM
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you definitely can and should express your concerns, but have to understand he is going to do what he is going to do. so now is the time to see what boundaries you want to put in place.....the actions YOU will take if HE does X, Y, Z.

he either learned a lesson by being in jail......or he did not. he will either follow thru with what he SAYS he is GOING to do - stay clean, get a job, etc., OR he'll fall back into old patterns. he's got a record now. so jobs will be that much harder to come by.

more shall be revealed. you take care of you, keep your focus on the good things you want in YOUR life.....and then measure that up with what your ABF brings to the table.........don't sacrifice your own values and ethics just to be with him.
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Old 05-09-2016, 09:27 AM
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I learned the hard way as most of us do, we have to see it, feel it and witness it for ourselves. The relationship with an addict is learned sadly by experience. He has a history behind him of previous arrests for drugs, court ordered rehab, therapy, etc. YET he used, got arrested and repeated his whole cycle all over AGAIN. Maybe this time was his last and maybe it’s not.

A pretty good prediction for someone’s future behavior is with their past behavior. I wouldn’t put all of your hopes and dreams into him changing unless you WITNESS that change because words don’t mean a dam thing.

Sure his plan includes getting a job and staying sober but HOW exactly is he going to execute that plan? For staying sober? What’s he going to do differently this time then the times before? What did he do while in jail for his sobriety? Did he attend AA work with a substance abuse counselor?
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Old 05-19-2016, 09:47 PM
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Clean so far

So my boyfriend has been out for a week and two days now. He is sober and seems happy. A few health issues have him a little stressed for the past day or 2 but other than that I see no signs of drinking or using. He even deleted his contacts from his phone except for one which bothered me but I can't and don't want to control everything in his life. If he wants to stay clean and sober he will.
The first week he was home things were perfect I was so glad to have the sober boyfriend that I love so much back in my life but I can't help but to think the worst when he goes outside for even a smoke and when he goes to the store I go insane with wondering what he's doing. I know he's trying really hard and I don't want to seem like his mother but after all the crap we have been through its hard. The problem is I don't trust him and I don't think that's wrong after what he's done but I wish I wouldn't get so much anxiety when he leaves to go to the store. I don't think our relationship will ever work if I'm constantly assuming the worst and itshe killing me to be this way.
That's the update I have for him...so far so good...who knows what the next update will bring ( hopefully the same but I'm being realistic and I know things can change in a second)
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Old 05-19-2016, 09:58 PM
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Lily you sound like a lady with a certain amount of wisdom when you say, "Things can change in a second."

Have you looked into going to Alanon? If this doesn't seem right to you, you might try reading Codependent No More. There is a lot you can do for yourself that can help. (I haven't read your other posts so maybe you are already into this!)
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Old 05-20-2016, 10:20 AM
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Hi Lily,

Are you doing anything to take care of yourself? To keep yourself sane from all the obsessing? Have you looking into Al anon meetings or Codependency meetings? Perhaps this is a good place to start. You both have a long road ahead of you if this is the path you decide to walk.

Hugs.
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Old 05-20-2016, 03:47 PM
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lilly.....I would suggest to you that you might feel less anxious if y ou make a plan for YOURSELF.
I am saying this based on the old advice that we have heard since the beginning of time: "Hope for the best--but, prepare for the worst".

the worst---if that second does come and he relapses....what exactly will you do? How will you manage it...how will you manage the details? What will you need?.....etc..... Plan your l ife out....daydream about it....
I just call that being pro active for your own welfare. You owe that much to yourself.
He doesn't need to know anything about it, either.....
It is between you and yourself.....

dandylion
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Old 05-23-2016, 07:51 PM
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Making me wonder

So I found out my boyfriend has been talking to an old friend. One that use to sell him pills . I got really upset and told him I'm not happy he's talking to him and I don't trust him now. He asked me to trust him and that they are just friends who talk once in a while. Am I stupid to believe him? I think trust has to be earned but the only way to earn it would be to allow him to prove he's telling the truth about staying sober. However tonight his breath kinda smelled like alcohol and that worries me. He's not acting weird by any means and sometimes I think I am just assuming the worst all the time because of everything he's put me through. It's so hard to break this pattern of being negative when it comes to him and his past behaviors . Grrrr
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Old 05-24-2016, 06:26 AM
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lily, as so many have said before, give it time. More will be revealed.

He has some choices to make in how he is going to lead his life. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. He has to want to be clean, or not.

Hugs to you.
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Old 05-24-2016, 06:34 AM
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Hi Lily the wisdom of the ages is for you to keep tight with.. we love them to bits and then they bite and give us grief... my hubby is not taking the depression meds and I can tell. he is lying to me on it. for his anger issues are the worst.. and mostly I am the bad guy.. you know when its gone south.. you are the bad guy.. no matter what you give up or have to never have again.. sorry love and prayers ardy
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Old 05-24-2016, 10:08 AM
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Originally Posted by lily1122 View Post
So I found out my boyfriend has been talking to an old friend. One that use to sell him pills . I got really upset and told him I'm not happy he's talking to him and I don't trust him now. He asked me to trust him and that they are just friends who talk once in a while. Am I stupid to believe him? I think trust has to be earned but the only way to earn it would be to allow him to prove he's telling the truth about staying sober. However tonight his breath kinda smelled like alcohol and that worries me. He's not acting weird by any means and sometimes I think I am just assuming the worst all the time because of everything he's put me through. It's so hard to break this pattern of being negative when it comes to him and his past behaviors . Grrrr
Is this really the life you want to sign up for? Is it the one you deserve? You deserve a loving, trusting, healthy relationship. One free of exhausting, consuming, fear and worry. I have been where you are, and I have been on the other side of it. Please take care of yourself and consider the stress this situation is inflicting on you.
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Old 05-31-2016, 11:45 PM
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Back at it again

Well I came home tonight and my boyfriend has been drinking. I knew it as soon as I looked at him. I told him I didn't want to talk to him and he got pissed and when I told him to go outside because I didn't want to be around him he started blaming everything under the sun why he drank and he acts like it's no big deal he said he ****** up again and he might as well go kill himself I said good. He freaked out. He kicked my microwave and started screaming at me and that he wants to work through this I said have fun doing it by yourself and I walked out. I'm not talking to him while he's under the influence and honestly I have nothing to say to him. I told him if he stared drinking to not speak to me. I'm tired of him blaming his stress on why he drinks and because his life is crap. Well wonder why dummy. He was sober for 1 month while in jail and a little over 2 weeks out of jail. He can go back for all I care. I'm better off without him. If he's gonna do this 2 weeks after he got out its only a matter of time before he starts using again. If/when that happens I hope he gets arrested and goes away for good. It's the only way I can have peace. I'm tired of coming home after work and dealing with this. It's not fair to me. I don't deserve it. I've been there for him through so much and he just doesn't give a **** about me. I wish he would leave but he won't. He knows I would never let him in my life again and for some reason he thinks we still have a relationship. He just drank it away.
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Old 06-01-2016, 03:52 AM
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Why would he leave if you keep a roof over his head, the bills paid,
and he can spend all the money he has (and yours) on booze and drugs?

I think I'd do a little more at this stage then "wish he'd leave".
What about evicting him?
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Old 06-02-2016, 08:49 PM
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Hey Lilly, so sorry that he hasn't been serious about the sobriety.

What is the next right step for you to physically be separated from him?

This is very tough stuff to deal with. You seem to be pretty tuned in to the reality of addiction.

Big hug to you!!
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Old 06-02-2016, 09:04 PM
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I hope you are ok Lily
Take care of yourself ok?
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Old 06-03-2016, 01:46 PM
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if/when that happens I hope he gets arrested and goes away for good. It's the only way I can have peace.

best not to rely on some possible future arrest to change your circumstances....you want him OUT? then take the steps necessary to do just that.
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Old 06-03-2016, 02:08 PM
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My son got out of jail six months ago for drugs. He made all of the same promises to me. He has been living in my garage apartment. He got a job, put money in the bank, no smoking, no drugs, no alcohol, worked every day...I was so proud of him. He was doing all the things he promised. Well last Saturday, he had finally saved up enough money to buy a car. The very next day after buying the car, he stayed out all night in the hood smoking crack. I am at my wits end now. I don't think he is ever going to get well and away from drugs. I don't think he can or knows how. I just don't trust him anymore.
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Old 06-03-2016, 02:44 PM
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LoveLife,

I'm sorry for what your going through... My husbands first and only priority is Crack.. No promise he will ever make is going to take away the pull- back to that awful drug. It's so hard on US, who love them and hope that this time they got it..

Hang In There
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