Seeking some guidance
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Seeking some guidance
Hello everyone,
I recently had my boyfriend tell me he was doing heroin and has gone to rehab. He has abused pain killers in the past and I was aware of that when we first met, but he claimed he was clean. He has been there for 23 days now, I have not heard from him since his third day there. I'd like to believe that's because he is focused on working on himself, but I also feel like it could be his way of ending our relationship. My mind is a mess trying to make sense of everything, trying to figure out if our whole relationship was built on lies, or just when he was using, or if I'm just freaking out. A few of his family member have reached out to me, including his ex wife. At this point, I'm just not really sure what to think, what to feel, what to do, what to believe. They have all made it clear to me that everything has been a lie. Thinking that really just breaks you down. I do know a lot of things were lies, and he did tell me that before he went. They've told me to run away as fast as I can, which sounds great but somethings are easier said than done. I also don't feel like if he actually wants the help, anyone should abandon him at this time. This is my first time dealing with anything like this, so I'm just really lost and just looking for some advice and wisdom from people who have been/are going through this.
I recently had my boyfriend tell me he was doing heroin and has gone to rehab. He has abused pain killers in the past and I was aware of that when we first met, but he claimed he was clean. He has been there for 23 days now, I have not heard from him since his third day there. I'd like to believe that's because he is focused on working on himself, but I also feel like it could be his way of ending our relationship. My mind is a mess trying to make sense of everything, trying to figure out if our whole relationship was built on lies, or just when he was using, or if I'm just freaking out. A few of his family member have reached out to me, including his ex wife. At this point, I'm just not really sure what to think, what to feel, what to do, what to believe. They have all made it clear to me that everything has been a lie. Thinking that really just breaks you down. I do know a lot of things were lies, and he did tell me that before he went. They've told me to run away as fast as I can, which sounds great but somethings are easier said than done. I also don't feel like if he actually wants the help, anyone should abandon him at this time. This is my first time dealing with anything like this, so I'm just really lost and just looking for some advice and wisdom from people who have been/are going through this.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Bnb
I am so sorry for what brings you here.
You are blessed, however, to have some good people in your camp, including some of his family members. For the family of an addict to have clarity like they seem to is highly unusual. If I were you, I would strongly consider what they have to say.
If your boyfriend really wants help, he will get it without you. One trick addicts often play, is the "abandonment" card. Don't get sucked in by this!
I am so sorry for what brings you here.
You are blessed, however, to have some good people in your camp, including some of his family members. For the family of an addict to have clarity like they seem to is highly unusual. If I were you, I would strongly consider what they have to say.
If your boyfriend really wants help, he will get it without you. One trick addicts often play, is the "abandonment" card. Don't get sucked in by this!
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Thanks, Eauchiche. My struggle with what his family has said to me, is it came from his ex wife and a cousin who has not supported our relationship from day one because "I love his ex wife too much." He went to rehab because his family (and his ex, they have a 3 year old child) told him he had to. Some days I feel like I am ok with letting go and others I am not. Maybe I'm looking for answers from him that I will never get. I feel like I'm in a very angry stage towards him, believing his ex and cousin, and I'm not sure if I should. Could they be right? Or could they just be telling me things to make me run? That's what I can't figure out either. It's all too overwhelming really,
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Mayflower, AR
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I also don't feel like if he actually wants the help, anyone should abandon him at this time.
He went to rehab because his family (and his ex, they have a 3 year old child) told him he had to.
I hate that you are going though this, loving an addict is never easy. loving yourself while doing so is harder still.
Do not disregard what his family is telling you. I pulled the quotes out of what you wrote above because I truly think what you wrote there says is all.
I may have misinterpreted your meaning but what I read was he didn't step up and choose to go, he went because he was told he had to.
If I am mistaken, I apologize.
I have been through this with my children, watching them destroy relationship after relationship with their addictions and trips to rehab and even prison.
My first piece of advice to a new gf or bf would be to run as fast as you can, if asked.
Please read the stickies at the top of this page and maybe go to a support group for family and friends? Educate yourself, independently of his family and friends and certainly independent of his ex.
Best wishes to you Hug
He went to rehab because his family (and his ex, they have a 3 year old child) told him he had to.
I hate that you are going though this, loving an addict is never easy. loving yourself while doing so is harder still.
Do not disregard what his family is telling you. I pulled the quotes out of what you wrote above because I truly think what you wrote there says is all.
I may have misinterpreted your meaning but what I read was he didn't step up and choose to go, he went because he was told he had to.
If I am mistaken, I apologize.
I have been through this with my children, watching them destroy relationship after relationship with their addictions and trips to rehab and even prison.
My first piece of advice to a new gf or bf would be to run as fast as you can, if asked.
Please read the stickies at the top of this page and maybe go to a support group for family and friends? Educate yourself, independently of his family and friends and certainly independent of his ex.
Best wishes to you Hug
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 7
When he came clean to me, he was very adamant that he wanted to change, and he didn't want to live that way anymore. 2 weeks later his family had a mini intervention type thing with him telling him he needed help. Again, I don't know how much of what I was told is true, so maybe him telling me he wanted a clean life wasn't true. I have gotten a few books to read, and am looking at going to meetings. As far as I am aware, he is supposed to get out this Friday, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I just really need to get my head straight.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Hey bnb, what kinds of addictive behavior did you see or did he subject you to? I imagine you must have been aware that something was wrong??
What does your heart tell you? Or another way, what would you tell a sister or a good friend in the same situation?
What does your heart tell you? Or another way, what would you tell a sister or a good friend in the same situation?
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Kittycat, it wasn't until a few weeks before he told me that I realized something was different. He became really moody, and less affectionate. At the time I thought it had something more to do with his ex/cheating than using. He lied, a lot, and was a completely different person from the year prior.
As far as what I would tell a friend/sister, I'm not really sure. My heart tells me that I still do love him dearly, but I just don't know. I can't really make sense of how I feel anymore
As far as what I would tell a friend/sister, I'm not really sure. My heart tells me that I still do love him dearly, but I just don't know. I can't really make sense of how I feel anymore
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
So you didn't notice he was high, just moody? I am sorry for what you are going through. It definitely sounds like a difficult situation for a lot of people. How long were you together? And his family did an intervention, did you also participate? I don't want to tell you what to do but addicts can't really be functional or healthy enough for a relationship, and you deserve a man who can be there for you.
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I had no idea at all, he never was like nodding off or acting in ways I've seen people be when high. I did not participate, I had no idea they were doing it., and at the time I wasn't aware of him using.
We've been together about a year, and good friends for about a year prior.
You're last sentence really hit me, it's what I know deep down, but just have a hard time accepting. The person I met and fell in love with, isn't the person he is now, and it's a hard thing to accept.
We've been together about a year, and good friends for about a year prior.
You're last sentence really hit me, it's what I know deep down, but just have a hard time accepting. The person I met and fell in love with, isn't the person he is now, and it's a hard thing to accept.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
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I was a heroin addict for 10 years..
How long have you been with him? If he is only going to rehab because his family told him he had to then most likely he is sitting in there counting the days until he can get out and do a huge shot. I am not being negative, I am only telling you what everyone I have ever known who was a heroin addict did the second they got out when they were forced to go to rehab and didn't go because they literally were willing to do whatever they could to get sober.
Please research addiction, and what it entails. If this is your first time dealing with this you might have a much simplier picture of how this works besides the fact that the man has been lieing to you the whole time. You can't JUST lie about using HEROIN. That by it's self is huge, nevermind there are always other lies mixed in there because well, he's a heroin addict.
You can private message me if you have any questions you might want answered. I am almost 10 months sober and have a boyfriend in prison for trafficking heroin since we needed to spend 300 dollars a day because we were a mess and nothing was ever enough. Heroin addiction is never small, if this is his first time trying to get sober, then it is not prob. his last.
The fact that he wasn't nodding out could mean his heroin was garbage or that his tolerance was so big that he couldn't get enough heroin in him to start to nod out. Either way, the man has a 3 year old and he had to be forced to rehab. Does that sound like the kind of man you want to be with
How long have you been with him? If he is only going to rehab because his family told him he had to then most likely he is sitting in there counting the days until he can get out and do a huge shot. I am not being negative, I am only telling you what everyone I have ever known who was a heroin addict did the second they got out when they were forced to go to rehab and didn't go because they literally were willing to do whatever they could to get sober.
Please research addiction, and what it entails. If this is your first time dealing with this you might have a much simplier picture of how this works besides the fact that the man has been lieing to you the whole time. You can't JUST lie about using HEROIN. That by it's self is huge, nevermind there are always other lies mixed in there because well, he's a heroin addict.
You can private message me if you have any questions you might want answered. I am almost 10 months sober and have a boyfriend in prison for trafficking heroin since we needed to spend 300 dollars a day because we were a mess and nothing was ever enough. Heroin addiction is never small, if this is his first time trying to get sober, then it is not prob. his last.
The fact that he wasn't nodding out could mean his heroin was garbage or that his tolerance was so big that he couldn't get enough heroin in him to start to nod out. Either way, the man has a 3 year old and he had to be forced to rehab. Does that sound like the kind of man you want to be with
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