Dreamcatcher44

Prior to his relapse i would have said never in a million years would my XABF put his hands on me. But after what i thought was a nervous breakdown/multiple suicide attempts had resulted in him choking me while i was driving on the highway my whole world went upside down. One minute ur in a healthy loving relationship with a man who never so much raised his voice to u and the next ur regaining consciousness on the highway and looking into eyes that are vacant and unrecognizable. I was scared and didnt know what was happening. He said he needs to be "medicated" and got medication from the hospital but after he ran out the next day he started going on the streets to gets drugs and thats when i knew that something was way off and nothing was making sense. I was so naive and believed treating his mental break would somehow make the drug issues go away. After all he was acting like a different person. Psychotic and fit all the criteria for a nervous breakdown. So i told him we would get him proffesional help but that if he abused illegal drugs again or ever put his hands on me again that we r done.

But next day he disappears and i find pills and a burnt cap so i follow through on my word and left him. One week later i recieve a suicide call and rushed over to save him only to find a crack ***** in our bed and needles and crack pipes and vinegar bottles and upon seeing me react with anger had him throw me in the closet. He showed me his infected arm he supposedly injected drain cleaner into and said he was going to die. I rush him to the hospital and he chokes himself unconscious with a seatbelt when i asked him about the girl he was cheating with.

This was in Decmeber and in the 5 months since then ive had a crash course on addiction. I refused to date him until he was clean but still he was in my life calling me everyday and saying all the apologies that quite frankly does nothing to relieve the trauma he has put me through. He had me convinced he is suicidal and anytime i went NC he would send me photos of his wrists cut or call me saying he is holding a microwave and about to drop it in the tub and do i think it will hurt. I would hear the water in the tub running in the background and i would give in and promise the world so he didnt do it. Twisted manipulations that at the time I believed. After all normal people dont do this.

I put my trauma of the accident on the backburner and focused on stablizing him and dealing with my pain later. This in retrospect was a huge mistake because all i could feel was anger boiling up inside me. Rage that i unleashed on him brutally in a daily basis while he was in treatment. I felt trapped in this cycle and heartbroken doesnt even begin to scratch my pain.

I knew i didnt have the tools to deal with what i was up against so i began researching and reading more about addiction. Started to seperate him from his disease. When he got kicked out of rehab 45 days in i helped him find a halfway house. Nothing was getting better and as my knowledge on addiction continued to grow i knew without a doubt that he was manipulating me and i had handled this whole situation the wrong way. To him I was a means to get high. A pawn he can manipulate my love for and anytime i took my life into my own hands he would pull the suicide card and end up in the hospital crying and begging for me not to give up. To not let him die. U feel as though u are tethering them to this world and the stress overwhelmes and sucks the life from you.

Thats when i researched the other side of addiction. Codependency and after reading codependant no more and i felt empowered for the first time since all of this started. That was me!!! Im not crazy and other people are out there dealing with the same thing! I decided to start making changes. Setting boundaries. I tried to discuss my knowledge with my XABF and open communication. He opened up about his disease for the first time. Everything was immensley better between us. I accepted he was an addict and he had a disease. But also i knew deep down that i was still enabling him and he wasnt getting better so I made the biggest step for myself when I decided to stop rescuing him.

It was this past month when he became homeless that I began noticing his behavior towards me became more hostile. I had slowly been detaching with love and focusing on me while limiting contact with him. I knew he had to hit rock bottom so i let him continue being homeless and wither away. One day he confeased to robbing people and telling me they will kill him if i dont save him. But i had finally grown smart to his game and no matter what he said or did i refused to bail him out.

Thats when he upped his manipualtion and became the psychotic violent monster i havent seen since december. He threatened to harm me if i didnt give him money. I refused and he would yell and id kick him out of my car and he would always leave...until three days ago. I took him out to eat and he wanted for me to drive him and his friends to the pawn shop. I refused. That when he twisted my arm and stole my wallet from my bag telling me that he will beat me to death and steal all my money and then he will kill himself after. We were in my car where he knows he has control over me physically. I played along and got out of the car. He walked behind me so i couldnt escape.

I was literally being held hostage by him and all i could think was that im an idiot. Here i was thinking that boundaries would keep me safe and after giving me back my wallet he told me threatening me gets him what he wants. He got in the drivers seat and refused to stop the car and only after i promised to get him a hotel did he stop. Two days later i was finally able to get him to leave the hotel and upon getting home i changed my number and found this website. I niavely thought i was strong enough to handle this disease. That Im strong enough to handle his abuse. Because of the brief moments when the man i fell in love with would appear. But the thing is the man i love is gone. What remains is desperation and active addiction. All he cares about is getting high and all i am is a means to accomplish that goal and i pray to god that i be strong now and focus SOLELY on my recovery. .

Sorry this is so long. Any thoughts or advice about ur own experiences would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

AnvilheadII

any chance you reported this to the police? any of it? i would strongly suggest you consider doing so and getting a restraining order. i realize protection orders don't STOP all abuse, but it can certainly be of help.

i'm sorry you endured all of that.....glad you are OUT now. and i sure hope you STAY out!

Dreamcatcher44

Thanks Anvillhead. I considered contacting the police but im afraid for my family to find out what happened. No one knows how bad it is and I have no physical marks on me...what if they dont believe me? Its all very overwhelming. My plan is NC and staying NC. Joining a narcanon group or something like that. I dont even know where to begin...just saying what he did and seeing it written down...needless to say I have been in severe denial.

PuzzledHeart

Dreamcatcher, for my own emotional sanity, I told my family I was physically abused by my babysitter/nanny ten years after it happened. She was also very good about using stuff like needles so it wouldn't leave bruises, or just plain starving us. I no longer talk to my nanny. I haven't done so for the past twenty years.

You can't keep it a secret - it just festers. Stuffing the pain inside you just means that it will come out in a way that you can't even imagine. For me, it meant depression and suicidal thoughts in my twenties until I let it all out. For my sister, who was also sexually abused by somebody else, it meant drug/alcohol abuse. Which is why I'm on this board.

"Coming out" was so scary, and results were mixed. My mom believed me, my dad told me to forgive her, and my sister said that I was exaggerating the situation. That we were spoiled brats and we deserved it. My sister invited her to her wedding and tried to engineer a reunion. Fortunately, one of my closest, dearest friends put a stop to that nonsense.

I can tell you that for almost twenty years that most of my extended family thought I was crazy, but I just got to the point where the pain was so bad that I no longer gave a crap. I knew people were talking to me behind my back - but the important thing was that _I_ knew the truth, and _I_ knew what I had to do to survive and be strong, and I wasn't going to let anybody else dictate that for me. I was going to control the story, and I wasn't going to let the story control me.

It sounds like you are getting to that point.

Dreamcatcher44

Puzzledheart...thank u so much for your response. I can only imagine what it must have been like for u with ur nanny. Like u said repressiom festers and becomes overwhelming. Thanks to u I just went out to dinner with my mom and told her everything. She was beyond supportive and i feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off me. Today is the first day ive been on this site. The first time i have ever posted in my life and already it has impacted me in such a positive way! Im so grateful and appreciate u sharing ur experience and insight. Hiding from this isnt the answer. Like u said "i knew the truth" and fear only paralyzes. We have nothing to hide! Thank you.

ItsViolet

Hi dreamcatcher, I'm sorry for what you had to go through. I am a survivor of partner abuse too, and I know how painful it can be. For me, the worst scars left no bruises. The emotional abuse was the hardest part and the only way through it was to talk to people who understood...maybe try connecting with a support community through al-anon or coda or whatever speaks to you and keep posting here. Take care Xoxo

Dreamcatcher44

ItsViolet..ur right the emotional abuse stings worse then the physical. The name calling. The hits to ur self esteem. I feel so low when i think of all i have allowes him to get away with. Its what finally slapped me awake. The last time I saw him he was gone. The mask was gone and all there was is the addict. He was angry and hellbent on only one thing. Scoring drugs. And he doesnt care about me and my pain. I appreciate you sharing ur story. I hope with time and treatment I can build myself up and not allow this to ever happen to me again. Take care.

PuzzledHeart

Dreamcatcher, I read your post this morning and it really made my day. But I'm afraid that I can't take any of the credit - you were the one who had to tell your mom, not me. That took a lot of courage to make that first reveal, That said...

Oh my gosh - that's so true! It's amazing how our minds can play so many tricks on you in the attempt to dismiss the pain. "It can't be that bad." "If only I had..." as if it was our fault in the first place.

Hugs to you!

bailey17

Hi Dreamcatcher-

So sorry for all you've been through. I can relate to your story a lot. My ex had a severe alcohol and crack problem and was physically and emotionally abusive as well. I was able to get out of the relationship about a month ago, haven't spoken to him in 2 weeks. One thing I can tell you is that there is real risk involved. the emotional abuse is very damaging but the physical abuse is deadly. he has threatened to kill you and himself - there's only one way to go after those threats start being made. In my experience it just kept getting worse and worse. Once he puts his hands on you once- it is a guarantee he will do it again and it escalates. Add a drug problem into the mix and its a recipe for disaster. Probably the only thing I ever believed that my ex said was when he told me he would kill me. They will.

You definitely don't want to keep this a secret, dysfunction festers and thrives on secrets. Really happy to hear you told your mom. That was the first person I told too. Then after that it became easier to disclose what was going on. The number one thing right now is your safety. Not sure of your living situation but perhaps you can stay with friends or family right now? I only say this because it is likely he will try to come around again.

So sorry you have been so severely manipulated. I, too, was in a lot of denial. I felt a lot of shame and embarrassment. Didn't want others to know and didn't want to believe it myself. I also repressed a lot, blocked out a lot of memories from when he became violent.

Now that you've gone no contact you can start the healing process- figuring out what that means for you. I've gotten help through this site, friends, family, reading anything suggested to me, journaling, exercise, and CODA. Be gentle with yourself right now, you've been through hell and back. you're not alone. other people are here to support you and want to support you. keep posting and reading here.

Dreamcatcher44

Bailey17 thank u for sharing ur story. I am staying with my family and doing my best to stay strong. Last night I had a little slip up and saw him. I know it was a mistake. And like u said safety is the number one priority and I am back on the wagon today. Im proud of u for staying NC these past few weeks and I hope I can say the same. Its the manipulations that fog the mind and when ur by urself trying to make sense of it all. Nothing makes sense. I feel like he has the answers. Which is twisted and wrong since i dont need him to make sense of why this happened. I know why. He is a drug addict. He is a drug addict. He is a drug addict. I have to say it again and again to sink it into my brain. There is no recourse once abuse takes place. Like u said once it happens once it will happen again. But at the same time u think of them sober...and know they arent this monster. Will the sudden sobriety solve all the other problems too? Its desperate grasping and making excuses when he doesnt deserve a pass for his behavior. Im just sad and wishing this never happened.

bailey17

for my ex- I don't think sobriety would've solved all of the problems. he certainly had other issues along with a severe alcohol/crack addiction. I don't know if you can relate, but in any times when he was sober, was he really ALWAYS better? I know the few brief times my ex managed to stay sober after a particularly bad episode, he was certainly much more like the man that I loved but he still had traits of being overly critical, irritable, mean, condescending, anxious/depressed, and overall most likely incapable of a healthy relationship. so in my experience, with an abusive partner, NO- sobriety isn't going to solve it all but it is a start for a healthier life. much more work has to go into the underlying issues. but also, I wouldn't recommend spending too much time trying to figure him out- instead work on you and figure out what you want, your passions, etc, and why you chose to stay in such a damaging relationship (i'm working on this too, so I can't say I have all the answers , I certainly don't!)

something that has helped me- I write down a list of his traits that were harmful and toxic for me (abusive, crack problems, threatened my life, etc etc) and re-read it when I am feeling down or want to reach out to him. i have to do a lot of work to learn about myself and why I stayed in this relationship so far. it was almost as though I was passively suicidal- did I really disregard my life and safety so much? please be safe! we deserve to live a healthy life free from addiction

ShootingStar1

Dreamcatcher, this man is very very very dangerous.

Those of us who live with abusive and/or violent spouses sometimes become so used to their behavior that what is, in truth, totally unacceptably dangerous, seems to us to be normal, or close to it.

That warps our judgment of when we (and our kids) are safe and when we are being terribly threatened. Someday, that can have devastating results.

If you google the "Mosaic Threat Assessment", you will find a test that police (including the US Congress Police) use to decide if a person is a potential threat to become violent. You can take it on line privately; it is completely confidential.

I suggest that you look at this and see how your boyfriend would stack up in this assessment of his potential for violent behavior, including homicide. I think it will shocking, stunning, and utterly convince you that you are lucky that you have escaped with your life.

Please, please, file a restraining order to put his behavior on record with the police and the courts, and then take EVERY precaution against his current and future rage. I believe that domestic violence is most apt to happen when an abused person is leaving their abuser.

Take care, keep posting, we're all here for you and with you.

ShootingStar1

Dreamcatcher44

Shootingstar thank you for ur response. I stayed up last night and took the Mosaic Threat Assessment and like u said was very surprised at the results. Choking is a level 4 event and seeing that and answering the questions I felt very concerned not just for myself but angry at myself for how badly everything has escalated out of control and my allowing it. But like u said we get densensitized by the abuse but reading stories of women being killed by their husbands hit it home for me. The site seems to think restraining orders arent a god idea and can actually incite retaliation and violence to occur. I do want to say that all the information i recieved was invaluable and i want to thank u for it. NC is a must as is getting help. I just didnt want to believe what has happened. But seeing the answers I knew that denial can get u killed. And i dont want to die.

atalose

We codies tend to mirror the addict in many ways. You are addicted to the addict like he is addicted to drugs. He’s not ready to give up the drugs like you are not ready to give him up otherwise you would have never went to meet him last night even after confessing it all to your mother.

Just like addicts it’s not the words they say or use it’s all in their actions that say/show it best. You say you want to leave this toxic abusive relationship and go no contact YET you went to meet him, like a drug, you just had to!!

I think it’s great you looked into nar-anon meetings you might also want to look into al-anon or seek out a local domestic violence counselor and actually follow through with a plan to meeting your goals of ending this and staying no contact.

No new contact = no new hurts.

I’ve been no contact for about 3 years – it works if you allow it to work!!

Dreamcatcher44

Atalose. U are right. By seeing him two days ago I acted outside my best interests. I immediatlely knew it was a horrible decision and owned up to it and yesterday am back on the ball. While I agree the relationship is toxic its hard turning off feelings which is where therapy comes in as u said. I found a group to go to tonight. I want to break my codependency issues and while im sure there will be a few bumps along the way i know ill get there in the end.

atalose

Maybe it’s not about turning off those feelings but instead working through them and figuring out what they are all about. Sitting with them and not acting on them we can learn allot about ourselves.

And at this point in time it no longer has anything at all to do with him or his addiction and has everything to do with you and yours.

What NEED in you got filled the other night by going to meet him? Really think about that. When you were heading off to meet him what were your expectations?

ardy

Hi Dreamcatcher... golly we need these pages so much... hugs kido round circle of prayers to so many here... my Ed has stopped taking his Depression meds.. he was just starting to be the man I remember once again and he gets it in his head that he does not need the meds... right .. that is such a good thought there...
Ladies one thought for all of us.. Why do we keep putting up with this.. ... could be because as little girls we were told do this and life is just peachy.. the men that think they should become women should just take a good look at the real world and how this is not a good idea.. at all.....
I don't know... in the last few days .. things have been so bad.. I don't even think about a good thought for it will be dashed to the ground and torn up in bits... sorry all ... just don't want to do this anymore. all it feels like is Iam failing failing failing and cannot stop this terrible circle Ed has thrown us into... the house is a huge mess... the ceiling need help the roof needs bigger help and he just was given no direction as a child by his parents... he had a huge screaming fit the other night on how terrible his childhood was.. his Pop built his own business back in the 1950's by 1957 they built their own home and had 2 cars and trips and lots of vacations.. Charlie worked hard and built good foundation for business. with what men did back in those days.. Ed feels that he was never given the chance to show his Dad what he could do.. but kids he stole the car on a reg baises had sex he says with the wives of his Dads friends and at 10 years of age went to Chicago to see Hair ..really his life was so tough.... everyone just gave him everything he screamed for... my Pop would have beat me silly if I had screamed for anything... I don't know.. just don't know.. I had to give up so much to be with him.. my children as College students and then young adults.. my family.. and then my Clown.. to make time for his folks and what they did and he had to do.. and then move to Florida .......sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and scream why did you just not let him die in Florida he would be so much happier... sorry... to much is demanded of us women.. home kids cleaning cooking washing up cleaning cleaning cleaning and now a job that pays most of the bills... just most of the bills... and everything is just in a bigger mess in the morning.. sad kids and beans I am just so sad..... sorry Dream Catcher.........for ranting in on your rant.. love and so many prayers from just a sad old lady clown.. that misses 1980's....

Dreamcatcher44

The need was comfort. I was feeling so lonely and before his relapse he was always there for me and made me feel safe. He was my best friend. Thats why the abuse hurts so much because its so far outside his character. This is not an overexagerattion. Or me making excuses. But the non addict never so much as raised his voice to me. I was the emotional one. Not him. I was the one who had trust and abandonment issues. Which is why letting him in my life in the first place was huge for me. Taking a chance and letting my guard down and trusting him. And for 6 months it was everything I wanted in a partnership.

I needed him to make the pain go away. Which was unrealistic expectation but im being honest. I justified going by making sure the interaction was short. We just hugged eachother and I squeezed him tight to me bc i knew I had to let go but i dont want to. He had so much shame in his eyes and it was hard for him to look at me. I said I loved him and I hope he gets better. And i jumped in my car and left.

I needed to hold him. Im of the belief that when people fight us its bc they want us to hold onto them harder. Because thats how I am. I push away when im hurt when thats the last thing I want. And had it not gone to this extreme with the threats and intimidations/ manipulations then this would be different. But wishing isnt a reality. He has two sides to him and will always have two sides. He has crossed lines u cant uncross. He has put me in danger. I have allowed myself to be placed in danger. I cant hold on to who he was but i know a part of me needed to. Because that is what has kept me by his side all this time. The memory of who he is apart from his addiction. I needed to hold on to that bc if i let it go...I know I will let him go. Going to see him was me needing to remember why I have done all of this.

Prior to this i never relied on anyone. I chose to stay single because of my own issues and never wanting to be vulnerable. And i took a chance with him. And this is what happened. I dont give my love easily but once given it is all or nothing. I went all in. Its hard to turn if off. Emotions dont know reason. Feeling is feeling. Its what got me in my car. No rational person would go. But we r more then rational beings. Great question Atalose. Examining this was very cathartic. Im actually feeling better understanding my needs. It just hurts to say goodbye. All of this...for what? U know?

Dreamcatcher44

Ardy! No need to apologize! U get it out. It feels so good to be able to say how u feel inside. Ed has had a difficult run of things..but it seems so have u. And it so important to be kind to urself especially when going through so much. Maybe a day to urself may do the trick? Put the house work on the backburner for the day and go do something just for u? Or if thats too much maybe even an hour and go talk a walk. Going outside always seems to help me when im feeling blue. The world is so much larger then us. It makes me know my problems in the scheme of the universe are small in comparison and we r part of it. Its beautiful. Hugs to u and please share whenever u feel it. We r here and im here if u need to talk!

atalose

And were your NEEDS met? Did he fill that void of loneliness?

And did that short interaction make your pain go away?

Our beliefs are often misguided and cause us harm. We need to be open to new healthier beliefs.

Trying to hold onto an active addict is like trying to hold onto a bag of wet cement while treading water.........you eventually go under and the only way to save yourself is to let go of that wet bag of cement.

He is not that person you KNEW, he is who he is today, an addict and he always will be. The misconception we have is that once the booze or drugs our out of the way things will just roll back to how they used to be, false very false.

The answers to our why’s are extremely important and we need to examine that, not examine the addict and their why’s that’s a waste of our resources that should be used on ourselves.