Surviving emotional and physical abuse by addict..
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Im of the belief that when people fight us its bc they want us to hold onto them harder. Because thats how I am.
not to belabor a point but...........this is where WE get ourselves into trouble....rather than taking the actions of others at face value, AS THEY ARE, we want to give them nuanced or completely contradictory meaning.........because it suits US to do so.
so when they say - we are done, go away, i hate you - when the take their stuff and LEAVE, or slam the door in our face, or worse - what WE see and hear is "oh look at how much he loves me......the poor tortured soul."
no relationship that results in one person choking the other was formerly healthy and normal.....something was off, someone was NOT well, even if on the surface they appeared that way. we can often tend to gloss over or flat out ignore red flags and sometimes just get snowed by a good con game. the more YOU romanticize and glamourize who you thought he WAS, the more you will want to hang on and hope HE comes back. and that could very much be to your detriment. he is not your safe harbor, he is the storm.
not to belabor a point but...........this is where WE get ourselves into trouble....rather than taking the actions of others at face value, AS THEY ARE, we want to give them nuanced or completely contradictory meaning.........because it suits US to do so.
so when they say - we are done, go away, i hate you - when the take their stuff and LEAVE, or slam the door in our face, or worse - what WE see and hear is "oh look at how much he loves me......the poor tortured soul."
no relationship that results in one person choking the other was formerly healthy and normal.....something was off, someone was NOT well, even if on the surface they appeared that way. we can often tend to gloss over or flat out ignore red flags and sometimes just get snowed by a good con game. the more YOU romanticize and glamourize who you thought he WAS, the more you will want to hang on and hope HE comes back. and that could very much be to your detriment. he is not your safe harbor, he is the storm.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi all... have been listening to a movie made on Elvis life with Linda Thompson.. 1970's... seems like things never change.. in prescription drugs .. it was easy for him to collect contain and use.. and the Ladies held on for dear life and tried to change his path... maybe kids and beans that is just the problem .. we can't change the path.. of our men or children or even ourselves when there is not will to change... love my hubby to bits.. but have done enough research on what is happening to Ed to know that he is on the same path of so many.. one minute a good guy that I remember and then for days the Monster that is controlled by the drugs... prayers to all and so much love..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
Atalose. No my needs werent met. They havent been met for quite some time. Sitting still with the pain hurts. Like u said i need to use the resources to focus on me. Why my thoughts are misguided and why i yearn for someone who will always be an addict for starters? Haha. I agree that sobriety isnt a magic fix to problems. But it is a start. And until that actually happens any and all contact is pointless. However in my case i dont know how u can ever come back from what we have been through. As u said no contact means no more incidents to happen. And the time of us is now done and its on to ME. Thank u for helping me in such a constructive and positive way atalose. I have been so lost trying to wrap my head around my own actions and today i feel like i understand myself better. Thank u.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Dreamcatcher44, been there done that, so I share my own experience in hopes that someone else "gets it" sooner rather then later so that they can move on to better happiness making healthier choices.
And truth be told AnvilheadII is one of those who helped me "get it" so I was able to move out of tornado alley and onto a healthier life.
And truth be told AnvilheadII is one of those who helped me "get it" so I was able to move out of tornado alley and onto a healthier life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
no relationship that results in one person choking the other was formerly healthy and normal.....something was off, someone was NOT well, even if on the surface they appeared that way
Amvillhead. I hear what ur saying. But i respectfully disagree. Im not going to make excuses and blame the 30 colonopin and crack for the attack on the highway. Its unforgivable but its hard for me to totally vilify him because its not as black and white as people may think.
Im of the belief that when people fight us its bc they want us to hold onto them harder. Because thats how I am.
As for my saying this he never tried leaving me. I was trying to talk about pain. His actions stem from pain. Something i am familar with. How we cope with pain is where the problems lie. He chose drugs. I chose to overlook my own safety. Was that a good decision on my part? Or course not. Its why im choosing to take a step back out of necessity. Out of the chaos i willingly took part of. I dont want to be like this. Its why im here. And i genuinely appreciate ur feedback and with time i know i will look at this whole period of my life with more clarity. With a healthy mind as u have looked back at ur own choices. The wisdom u have is something i hope to attain. But for me I choose not to dismiss him as a person who is either all bad or good. I dont want to hold him up either. I want to look at this situation exactly as it is. No more. No less.
Amvillhead. I hear what ur saying. But i respectfully disagree. Im not going to make excuses and blame the 30 colonopin and crack for the attack on the highway. Its unforgivable but its hard for me to totally vilify him because its not as black and white as people may think.
Im of the belief that when people fight us its bc they want us to hold onto them harder. Because thats how I am.
As for my saying this he never tried leaving me. I was trying to talk about pain. His actions stem from pain. Something i am familar with. How we cope with pain is where the problems lie. He chose drugs. I chose to overlook my own safety. Was that a good decision on my part? Or course not. Its why im choosing to take a step back out of necessity. Out of the chaos i willingly took part of. I dont want to be like this. Its why im here. And i genuinely appreciate ur feedback and with time i know i will look at this whole period of my life with more clarity. With a healthy mind as u have looked back at ur own choices. The wisdom u have is something i hope to attain. But for me I choose not to dismiss him as a person who is either all bad or good. I dont want to hold him up either. I want to look at this situation exactly as it is. No more. No less.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he perpetrated violence upon you.
PERIOD.
was that perhaps a drug fueled psychotic episode? to be sure. but that level of violence and hostility did not happen in one isolated incident. did it? we all too often want to put the full BLAME on the DRUGS. i had a boyfriend hold ME down and choke ME, and yeah he was drunk, but that was no excuse. i've also seen people out of their minds on drugs who never EVER harmed another person.
for your own safety, it's best if you put him in the OFF LIMITS, DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON category and KEEP him there a good loonggggg time. that is my main concern right now....not his sterling reputation!!
PERIOD.
was that perhaps a drug fueled psychotic episode? to be sure. but that level of violence and hostility did not happen in one isolated incident. did it? we all too often want to put the full BLAME on the DRUGS. i had a boyfriend hold ME down and choke ME, and yeah he was drunk, but that was no excuse. i've also seen people out of their minds on drugs who never EVER harmed another person.
for your own safety, it's best if you put him in the OFF LIMITS, DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON category and KEEP him there a good loonggggg time. that is my main concern right now....not his sterling reputation!!
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
Danger danger will robinson!!! Hahahaha. Yes Anvillhead priorities like safety take precedence. We r in 100% agreement on this. He is officially moved into this category. I dont know why it hurts so bad talking about what he has done. Maybe because hes not here to defend himself? Not that he could but...yeah this is hard. Facing reality. Focusing on me. Thank u.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Being the victim of abuse is a really uncomfortable, awkward, embarrassing and raw situation to find oneself in. one of the many reasons why victims tend to downplay what happened.....if i make them believe it wasn't THAT bad i won't feel like such an idiot (moron, fool, etc etc etc) for letting this happen.
it is also very hard to reconcile the person we thought we knew with the one who did bad things to us. be that a parent, a teacher, a friend or a lover. as victims, we compartmentalize.....Bad Thing They Did over here....and Good Person They REALLY are over there.
and then we fill the middle with all the justifications, rationalizations, and minimizations we need in order to be "OK".
He didn't mean to....
He has a bad day at work....
It was the drugs...
If only I hadn't nagged him....
If only i'd said yes....
If only i'd given him the money when he asked....
He really is sorry........
survival mechanisms. ours. whatever WE have to do to try and find balance again. somehow make sense of it all. whether or not it makes sense to anyone else. even if we hold on to myths and mistaken beliefs. until we are forced to try new methods.
it is also very hard to reconcile the person we thought we knew with the one who did bad things to us. be that a parent, a teacher, a friend or a lover. as victims, we compartmentalize.....Bad Thing They Did over here....and Good Person They REALLY are over there.
and then we fill the middle with all the justifications, rationalizations, and minimizations we need in order to be "OK".
He didn't mean to....
He has a bad day at work....
It was the drugs...
If only I hadn't nagged him....
If only i'd said yes....
If only i'd given him the money when he asked....
He really is sorry........
survival mechanisms. ours. whatever WE have to do to try and find balance again. somehow make sense of it all. whether or not it makes sense to anyone else. even if we hold on to myths and mistaken beliefs. until we are forced to try new methods.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
Anvillhead - I just read ur posts and found this one from 2014. It is exactly what i feel and what u just spoke of. Ur right...being abused is a horrible feeling and it does make u want to downplay it bc it makes u feel bad about urself. Im sorry that happened with ur ex. It also encourages me in what im about to go through as it has given u strength to help others from ur own experiences. Thank u.
Splitting: Making Breakups Harder To Get Over
August 7, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott
What is “splitting” and why is it harmful to your recovery from a breakup?
In short, it means mentally and emotionally splitting the good from the bad.
It was something I had done with my abusive husband and something victims tend to do.
But it’s not just for abuse victims. Many people do this and it makes it downright IMPOSSIBLE to truly get over someone.
It’s the mental magician trick of chopping people up into good and bad and being so in love with the good and just wishing that the bad is an aberration and was a phase or just go away or be something unusual.
When the person you loved and who loved you is starting to engage in unloving behavior toward you, you can’t make sense of it. This person compared to the other person does not make sense. At all. It does not compute.
In your mind you hold onto what you HAD while ignoring what you HAVE. You tell yourself this is not the real person, the one you fell in love with is. But the person you fell in love with has not been around in a long time and the person who fell in love with you and treated you so well (as loving partners are supposed to do) is GONE. And gone for good. Even if he or she appears for a time, that’s not okay for the way they are treating you now is unacceptable. So stop holding out hope. The present person you are seeing is an ass and that is not okay.
It’s hard to stop splitting. But it’s a necessary step (stop splitting) if you want to get better.
The splitting is tough but when you’re doing it…holding onto the loving person…remember to concentrate on the person who hurt you and know they are the same person.
If you’re splitting, work on grieving the good person but keep acknowledging the hurtful person. They are one and the same.
And be glad that neither are still in your life.
But you still are.
Be good to yourself and put the two haves together…and then dump them both.
You can do it!!!
Splitting: Making Breakups Harder To Get Over
August 7, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott
What is “splitting” and why is it harmful to your recovery from a breakup?
In short, it means mentally and emotionally splitting the good from the bad.
It was something I had done with my abusive husband and something victims tend to do.
But it’s not just for abuse victims. Many people do this and it makes it downright IMPOSSIBLE to truly get over someone.
It’s the mental magician trick of chopping people up into good and bad and being so in love with the good and just wishing that the bad is an aberration and was a phase or just go away or be something unusual.
When the person you loved and who loved you is starting to engage in unloving behavior toward you, you can’t make sense of it. This person compared to the other person does not make sense. At all. It does not compute.
In your mind you hold onto what you HAD while ignoring what you HAVE. You tell yourself this is not the real person, the one you fell in love with is. But the person you fell in love with has not been around in a long time and the person who fell in love with you and treated you so well (as loving partners are supposed to do) is GONE. And gone for good. Even if he or she appears for a time, that’s not okay for the way they are treating you now is unacceptable. So stop holding out hope. The present person you are seeing is an ass and that is not okay.
It’s hard to stop splitting. But it’s a necessary step (stop splitting) if you want to get better.
The splitting is tough but when you’re doing it…holding onto the loving person…remember to concentrate on the person who hurt you and know they are the same person.
If you’re splitting, work on grieving the good person but keep acknowledging the hurtful person. They are one and the same.
And be glad that neither are still in your life.
But you still are.
Be good to yourself and put the two haves together…and then dump them both.
You can do it!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I dont know why it hurts so bad talking about what he has done. Maybe because hes not here to defend himself?
I had to end my relationship with a restraining order for the second time in 13 years. I didn’t learn the lesson the first time around. Talk about feeling stupid, embarrassed, mortified. Standing there in front of a judge AGAIN for threats against my life by someone I was constantly making justifications for regarding his maladaptive behaviors.
Do I think they loved us at one time, sure, you bet, life was happy and good until it wasn’t. It’s not about them NOT loving us or quitting drugs for us so they can prove they do. Addiction lives in the same part of their brains that tell them to breath and we are asking them to hold their breath – forever so WE can be happy, it just won't work that way.
I am of the belief that when it comes to domestic violence – it is as clear as black and white with no exceptions.
Relationships ending are going to hurt and the only way towards healing is to stay away from what causes the pain in the first place and work through all of those mixed emotions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
Addiction lives in the same part of their brains that tell them to breath and we are asking them to hold their breath – forever so WE can be happy, it just won't work that way.
Atalose...this just blew my mind. I know i still have so much to learn about addiction. Im a total newbie in all of this and i apologize for seeming niave. I can only imagine what that must have been like standing before a judge for the second time. It takes courage to do what u did. To stand up and say no and take charge of ur life. If u dont mind me asking when did enough become enough? 13 years...i want to do this right the first time. But if i dont let the gravity hit me now then i am setting myself for failure. Ive never spoken to someone who has gone through abuse too. Thank u for helping me. Everyone here. I know i need it.
Atalose...this just blew my mind. I know i still have so much to learn about addiction. Im a total newbie in all of this and i apologize for seeming niave. I can only imagine what that must have been like standing before a judge for the second time. It takes courage to do what u did. To stand up and say no and take charge of ur life. If u dont mind me asking when did enough become enough? 13 years...i want to do this right the first time. But if i dont let the gravity hit me now then i am setting myself for failure. Ive never spoken to someone who has gone through abuse too. Thank u for helping me. Everyone here. I know i need it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If u dont mind me asking when did enough become enough?
Learn as much as you can about addiction because it is life long for them. Relapse will always be one bad decision away for them. Those things I didn't learn until the 2nd time around. IF I knew what I learned in these past years I would never had gone back after the 1st restraining order. BUT I believed his words, even his actions for a period of time showed he was serious about remaining clean/sober but he just couldn't keep that up and it was relapse after relapse after relapse and with each relapse I kept thinking "this time it's going to be the last time"......and you know what it was for ME I got out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 53
When the pain of staying became greater then my fear/pain of leaving.
Yes. I read ur posts too. I loved them and am so happy that I found this site. I need to stay busy. Night is the worst time for me..my resolve leaves. But its now or never and im ready. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to read and support me during this difficult time.
Yes. I read ur posts too. I loved them and am so happy that I found this site. I need to stay busy. Night is the worst time for me..my resolve leaves. But its now or never and im ready. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to read and support me during this difficult time.
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