MichelleL62

Hi. I will try to give very one the short version. My mom has been drinking too much for a long time. Luckily she wasn't a big drinker while I was a child. My mom is 77 and I am 53. My mom had been up in Michigan but she moved down to Florida right before her husband passed away.

At first she was living with my sister she got her to go to rehab for her alcoholism. Shortly after she got out of rehab she came to visit me. I live about 2 1/2 hours away from my sister. While my mom was sober we decided to buy a place. If I had it to do over again I would not be living with my mom. Now I need to figure out what is enabling & what is neglect.

My mom is in denial. She doesn't believe she has a problem and we should accept that she likes to drink. Luckily she doesn't get real nasty when she drinks. Her memory is very bad and she seems helpless. She continues to lose weight since she would rather drink and smoke then eat. She now wears a size 2 petite.

She hires a taxi to take her to the liquor store to get huge bottles of vodka. I won't take her to the liquor store but when I go to the grocery store I don't stop her from buying wine. I try not to drink with her & I don't bring any liquor into the house for me.

I end up not being around a lot because it is hard for me to handle seeing her like this. I worry about her a lot. I try to take one day at a time. When I get really scared when she hasn't eaten for days and has done nothing but sleep , smoke or drink then all of a sudden she is sober for a day or two and is very hungry. I worry about coming home & finding her dead one day.

I get lots of advice from family but she is the only one that can make it better. I hava hard time sleeping because I am worried & wonder if there is more I can do. I having to take sleeping pills to sleep at night.

My sister won't talk to me anymore she is a control freak & is also having problems seeing our mom like this. My mom says she drinks to deal with the pain of her arthritis and she also has back pain. She likes to sit or lay down it hurts her to walk. But she refuses to make a Dr. appointment she would have me set up all her appointments but I can't spend that time on the phone doing that while I am at work. She is use to her husband doing everything for her. I would like her to be more independent.

Part of me thinks my mom tricked me by being mostly sober just long enough to put an offer on a place. Now I'm stuck.

AdelineRose

Hi!

I am sorry you are dealing with this. In my opinion not enabling is not driving her to get alcohol, not drinking with her, and...well usually I would say make it a boundary that the house is a alcohol free house and that if she cannot accept that then one of you is going to leave. Except, this is a spouse or an adult child that can go off on her own and live by herself. I'm sorry I don't have much advice, I suppose if I was dealing this I would try to make sure she eats as much as I can, make sure she drinks water, and I guess try to make sure she doesn't hurt herself.

I am sorry that you are in this situation and that you feel you were tricked into buying a house with her. Is she on the mortgage? Can she move to a different location? Will she go back to rehab?

I just wanted to answer and let you know that you are not alone. This is a tough situation and it sounds like you are doing all you can.

Someone with more experience will be coming along

MichelleL62

Hi.
To answer your questions. She is the one who got the mortgage. I helped with the down payment and with the costs of new flooring and painting. We have only made one payment on the mortgage. Also she doesn't have any where to go. If it gets to the point she needs assisted living I don't even know if they would tolerate her being drunk.
I keep hearing people say you need to make boundaries, but it is hard for me to know exactly how to make boundaries. Since we share the house I don't want to be too unreasonable.
On the up side she has been drinking less and eating more the last week or so. This last week hasn't been so bad or as scary. I do know she will probably start drinking heavily again any day.

MichelleL62

I have been very carefully being optimistic about my mom's drinking. I was starting to believe that if she was happier and busier she would not need to drink so much. I called a place called Seniors helping Seniors, we set up a meeting and hired a lady to come to our home once a week for 2 hours. She would be able to take my mom shopping, do light housekeeping, take her to the doctor and more. I called my mom yesterday to remind her that the lady would be coming over at 10am. She said she had forgotten and thanked me. Later when I came home from work I asked her how it went. My mom said she did not remember anyone coming over, that maybe someone came over but she didn't remember. I looked at the folder they provided and the lady had written the time she arrived, when she left and what she had done. My mom had signed the paper. I also had a voice mail from the director.

I called the director back and the lady did not want to come back over to our home. She had told the director that my mom was drunk and that she had wanted to go shopping but she wasn't going to take her shopping while she was drunk. I have a feeling my mom might of reacted badly when the lady said no. I was quite embarrassed. They can send out another worker but my mom hasn't made a decision yet about that. I really don't believe there is anything that I can do to make my mom happy-she needs to be in charge of her own happiness. It is hard on me. No contact with my mom is not an option at this time but I like to escape to work and be busy with my friends. I still feel guilty for not being with her but my mom isn't the women she use to be. I have no hope that anything will change her. It is just scary not knowing how soon her body will shut down from all the alcohol. Will her brain shut down before her body? How bad will it get and will I be able to handle it.