Jojomano123

Hi all.
I'm a mother to a 33 year old addict. She is addicted to just about everything I believe. She started with Vicodin. On to heroin....then a break in jail...on to crack....then on to meth.
She left last year on her daughter's birthday in May. She just took off, abandoned her 2 daughters. I've since found out that she is posting escort ads on all the sex sites. She's quite beautiful (drugs hasn't taken her looks yet). I'm infuriated! I'm scared for her!

I lost my middle daughter to suicide 4 years ago. That nearly destroyed me.
I think that's why I'm so angry with my daughter. She knows what I went through. Why would she put me through so much again? Her family through this? How can a mother abandon her daughters? That just doesn't compute with me.

Thanks for listening.

JoJo

zoso77

Jojo...

I see this is only your second post, so Welcome to the Board. I'm really sorry for what has brought you here, and I'm especially sorry about your middle daughter. You've sadly experienced something no parent should have to endure. But given what your 33 year old daughter is doing, it's only adding to your heartbreak.

I think it's important for you to understand your AD is not doing what she's doing to hurt you or the family, so you should not personalize any of this. Her behavior is garden variety addict, meaning a life of indulgence at the sake of everything else.

Sadly, JoJo, there's nothing you can do. She is going to continue on this path until one of two things happen: she decides to stop using, seek treatment, and stay on a path to recovery that involves some program and/or counseling, or she fatally overdoses What you can do is spend time with your granddaughters. It's very, very important that they know they're loved, cared for, and will be protected. And using your discretion, you may wish to share that their mother is very, very sick, and sick people make very bad decisions which never take into account the collateral damage.

Lastly...you've experienced a lot of loss the past 4 years. If you have not yet done so, I encourage you to seek counseling so that you can unpack and address all the feelings and emotions that you're no doubt experiencing. Sometimes it's beneficial to have someone in our corner who we can confide in and share things with without judgment.

I hope you allow us to support you in the days and weeks to come. They are not going to be easy. Even if you detach from what your AD is doing, she's still your daughter, and a mother's love is a mother's love. Consider us a refuge. We know what you're going through, and we're here to help you.

Again, I'm so sorry about your middle daughter. Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

AdelineRose

I'm sorry you are but happy that you found a place to vent, get feed back, and to know you are not alone.

I am a recovering heroin addict (9 months clean) so I can tell you from experience, she doesn't see the connection between her being an addict and that affecting you. When you are in active addiction, all you care about is getting your fix and literally everything else just doesn't matter. When my mom would cry saying how can you do this to us I would be like "WTF are you talking about, how am I affecting you It is my life not yours".

Now that I have been in recovery for 9 months I can see how it affects the whole family. I swear addiction makes you so selfish and all that matters is your DOC.

I'm sorry about your middle daughter, maybe she uses to repress the heartbreak from losing her sister. When my dad suddenly died I stayed completely out of it all the time because I couldn't deal with reality. Would she be open to counseling? I have a doctor that specializes in addiction, a substance about counselor, and a psychiatrist that specializes in addiction and all of them have been a HUGE help.

I'm sure your daughter is so in her own world of drugs that you don't even cross her mind and she definitely isn't using to hurt you, she is too self absorbed right now to realize her actions affect you.

HUGS

Jojomano123

Thank you both so much for your replies!
I'm a recovering alcoholic so I do understand addiction. I don't understand heroin, but I have definitely educated myself on it. I know the grip it can have on you. And, it is possible that she's running from dealing with her sister's death...but, leaving her own children??? I can't wrap my mind around that. My heart breaks for them. I make sure they know they're loved. They are actually doing very well. The dads (yes, two) have really stepped up to the plate.
Unfortunately I have seen some of her ads. I know I shouldn't look at them. I think I do it to somehow keep tabs on her? But, the person in those ads is NOT my daughter! I don't know that person. So so sad.
Thank you for your condolences for my middle daughter. I miss her terribly. I wouldn't wish that on my absolute worst enemy. I'm still recovering. And I don't know if I can survive another death. Sadly, I'm preparing myself for it.

Jojomano123

And congrats on 9 months off of heroin!🎈🎈🎈

zoso77

You can prepare for months or years to lose someone, but all the preparation you do never does any good when it finally happens. Even when drugs aren't in the picture and we lose somebody we love, there's no preparing for the onslaught of grief and loss.

I'm not saying you shouldn't prepare for it. What I am saying is it's important that you live your life as best you can and try not to dwell on something you really can't control. Your granddaughters are a gift and a blessing. Do you best for them.

Stay safe.

alcoholics wife

I'm so terribly sorry you need to go through this. As much as you want to just shake them into their senses and hope they wake up and smell the coffee, you have no control over anyone's life but your own and now your grandchildren.

Unfortunately drugs will even lead you to abandon your own children. I've known a heroine addict as well who had 3 children she abandoned, lost custody over, chose drugs and the street life of homelessness and prostitution rather than going back home. It's very sad and frustrating but that is addiction at its worse.

atalose

jojo, I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I know its hard not to take someones addiction personally especially when it has such a profound affect on your life. But as it was pointed out they don't drug at us or because of us, they just do because they have a disease. A disease that tells them they don't have a disease and seeking help doesn't come easily as you know.

At this time you don"t have a choice with helping your daughter but you certainly can help your grandchildren and be there for them which I know they want and need.

Something I heard recently.......

QTIP

Quit

Taking

It

Personally

Along with the serenity prayer I repeat QTIP all day long, at work, home, shopping, driving ect. ect.

I'm glad you found us, its a great place with so many who understand what you are dealing with.

AdelineRose

Thank you so much!

Every female I knew that was a bad heroin addict none of them had their kids. They would all be running all around partying, getting as high as they can, selling themselves, etc. and NONE of them EVER mentioned their kids..except when they were so out of it they started trying to talk about how much they loved their kids..yet you haven't seen them in a year? But it is very common..

I hope she gives counseling a try, being an addict is a huge reason to go just there, but losing a sister is an even bigger reason.

Do you have anyone you can talk to or a counselor? My mom started going to counseling because just like you said, she was planning for my death. Thank god that is behind us, and there always is hope for her to come around...but in the meantime don't forget about you.

Jojomano123

I'm trying really hard to not take it personally. I truly am. And I'm trying to not obsess over it. I've gotten much better. I'm in AA and am working with a sponsor. I think the anger I'm feeling towards my daughter is just protecting me from the great sadness that's inside. I've been through so much sadness losing Leah. I couldn't work. I ended up on disability etc etc...so, I think I might be protecting myself.
My granddaughters are a JOY! The 5 year old is so very sweet and the definition of innocence. The 13 year old has decided to thrive in her mother's absence. I think she's been angry ever since her mother would spend hours and hours in the bathroom leaving her to watch the little one.
I know all I can do is pray. And I do pray. I'd be happy if she'd land in jail!

Jojomano123

We were writing at the same time😀
I do see a counselor every week. He specializes in addiction. He's helped me with my addiction that got much worse after losing my daughter, and now with this situation.
Being a mother, it's just hard to think of your kid whoring herself out to strange men for drugs. To me it's unthinkable...but, I've never been addicted to opiates or meth thank God.

Bekindalways

Big big hug to you Jojo. Also it sounds like you have circled the wagons to take care of yourself the best you can given the circumstances.

It sounds like you are pretty important to those little girls so every thing you can do for your own sanity helps them as well.\

May every angel in the universe bombard you and your family and may grace fill your home and heart.

Ann

Jojomano, I am the mother of an adult addict son, who has been in the revolving door of recover/relapse/using for over 20 years, missing now for more than 10.

Nothing you do or don't do will change how she is, only she can do that when she is ready. If love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here.

I get through my days by asking God to take care of my son, and then living my life in faith that He can do for my son what I cannot. After years and years of living in fear and making myself very sick, I let go and gave it all to God and began living my life finding the beauty and joy in every day, as life was intended to be lived.

I will pray for your daughter, that one day soon she will find a better path.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.

hopeful4

You are getting wonderful feedback. I just want to step in and welcome you here. There are so many who understand. Keep reading, keep posting. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you are here.

Warm hugs to you.

Jojomano123

I want to thank you all for your warm welcomes and hugs. I will continue to hang around here and learn.

To Ann, missing for 10 years? Oh my. I can easily see that happen to my daughter. I'll try to do as you do.

Prayers for all💜

Plink

Oh JoJo......my heart hurts for you!

New to this site as well. My adult son has basically abandoned his daughter. Done things to hurt her (emotionally) that I would never, ever thought he would do. She was his world!

But his drug (bath salts) is more important to him than his family.

They tell us to "get off the roller coaster" but, just when we think we have he invites us back on.

It is the hardest thing in the world to see your child suffer and know that you cannot help.

Not looking forward to Mother's Day this year as I am sure many of us are in the same boat.
God Bless you and may He give you peace.

Jojomano123

Plink, I'm sorry to hear about your son.
Bath salts is a nasty drug.

I have a strange update on my daughter. I got a call today from a detective looking for her new cell phone number! WTF? I had heard rumors that she was a police informant or something. She had gotten busted a few months ago in a prostitution sting. She was also busted with meth. Then mysteriously she was "poof" out of jail. So I figured something was going on.
This detective said she hasn't talked to her in a week. I told her I haven't talked to her in a year! I told the detective that I keep tabs on her from her ads on Backpage.com. I said she's a friggin Hooker! The detective said " oh, I know. She said that's the only way she can put a roof over her head...." Oh puhleeze! I told her that Rachel has been known to tell some pretty big lies. And the detective gets offended! Like I'm the bad guy!
I give up!
She said she'd call me though to tell me how Rachel's doing.😥😡

Oh yes, Mother's Day 😓 Leah always made a HUGE deal of Mother's Day. It's been a very tough day ever since I lost her💜

My granddaughter's father texted me and said he wants to get me a little tattoo for Mother's Day. I've been wanting a little semicolon with a dragonfly to show support for Mental Illness. Leah died from Bipolar Disorder. He is a very good father. Thank God.

Jojomano123

I'm much too upset right now to tell the story, but the detective basically told me I was a horrible mother based on what Rachel has told her. I've never been this close to a drink in over 15 months. Being a mom has been EVERYTHING to me.😓😡😓

Ann

Please don't let what he said lead you to do harm to yourself. People who haven't been in our shoes have no idea what it is like to be us.

That detective was way out of line, yet in my heart I pray she never finds out what it is like to be the mother of an addict child.

You have done everything right. There are jerks everywhere, including on the police force. You just met one.

We are not bad mamas, our children are not bad people either, they are sick people with a problem that we cannot solve for them.

You are a good mother and so am I. Put that in your heart and throw out the resentment toward the jerk police woman.

Hugs

Bekindalways

Wow, Jojomano that really sucks. This must be a very inexperienced police detective. Are you sure she is a police detective?

I know too many people for whom Mother's Day is a day of grieving.

Peace and healing to you all!