update & question on receiving amends
 

Hi all,

I don't frequent the forums much anymore, it's been 9 months since I broke up with my ex. For anyone who isn't familiar with my story, I stayed with him while he struggled to stay sober off of heroin/opiates. He chronically relapsed every three months. I finally left after he stole pain pills from my parent's home (and 1 million other reasons.) It took me a long while to get here, but I am very happy. Life has settled down, I have no drama, no chaos, very little anxiety or worry. I'm happy, I finally feel like I deserve to be happy. For anyone who is hesitant about "no contact," when I FINALLY went NC, my life immediately went better. Cutting the cord was the healthiest thing I could do for myself, it was incredibly difficult and painful, but in hindsight, the best decision I've made in a very long time.

In other news, I received an email from my ex this weekend re "amends." The email "didn't feel right." He said something along the lines of "I know in my heart you want an apology," he then used some phrasing that almost insinuated he would "relapse again if he couldn't do this right." I've had him blocked on all my social media, cellphones, home phone, friends social medias, etc. The only thing I didn't have him blocked on was my ***** account.

In all honesty, I do not know if I want to hear the amends. The damage and pain he caused can not be undone, nor fixed. I don't harbor hate or animosity, but I have moved on. Allowing him to "make amends" feels like opening the door again. When I spoke with my sponsor about it, he said "the best amends he could make, would be to leave you alone." My friends in program agree. However, there is a small part of me that thinks perhaps it could bring a certain element of closure, for him, and for me?

Has anyone ever denied another person the opportunity to make amends? Is it cruel or unkind to deny him the opportunity?

I can't answer that for you, HPL.

Speaking only for myself, if my AXGF somehow got a hold of me with the goal of making amends, I would turn her away. And the reason is her sins against me are unforgiveable. This doesn't mean I wish ill will towards her. I'm not even angry about what she did anymore. But what it does mean, for me, is there are no circumstances where I can believe anything that comes out of her mouth.

With that said, everyone of us here at FFSA is different. Some of us would be open to the addict making amends. Just because I'm not one of them should not preclude you from making the decision that is best for you. So you have to be honest with yourself, and you have to trust your instincts. If you do these things, then you'll arrive at a decision that you can live with.

Good luck.

How can this be a true, honest amends if he's dictating the terms for it? If HE's determining what's right for you?

I've had to apologize for my behavior, and when I do, it's never with the expectation that the person has to respond to my apology. If I'm truly sorry for something that I've done, I'm also acknowledging the fact I might not be forgiven. I have to accept that, otherwise I'm not really sorry.

Listen loudly to your instincts.

If he truly wanted to make amends he would have right there in the email and with no expectations of hearing back from you. But he didn’t.

Sounds like manipulation to me.

Trust your instincts.

My understanding is that, in program at least, making amends is more for the person making them and not particularly about how they are received. It's a conscience clearing effort to acknowledge past misdeeds and to make right as best they can...and then letting go.

Suggesting he will relapse if you don't accept his amends is simple manipulation and an attempt to make you feel guilty if you don't respond. It may all be just a way to have dialogue with you and break the no contact.

It is entirely up to you if or how you accept this. Personally, I would do nothing. Doing nothing is an action too and sends the message that you are not going to be drawn into his drama.

Good luck.

Hugs

HPL,

I think atalose, Puzzledheart, Ann & Zoso have it nailed -- sounds like he is trying to draw you back in to his drama.

Doing nothing is an action.

Keep coming back,

Jim

I've decided to not respond to the email.

Thank you for your input.

I got an amends email back in November and I wish I hadn't responded. It led to some back and forth emails in an attempt to be friendly. This was over a year after the break up. After trading a few emails back and forth, the old patterns emerged with the denial, gaslighting, etc. and the admission of still doing drugs/ lying to me about it during the last half of the relationship (she now was claiming that she only had a problem with alcohol, not drugs--though we broke up because of drugs). I ended up just never replying again and I feel good about that. Peace was immediately restored to my life.

If you're not ready you're not ready, and you don't have to go by his timetable.

IF he has truly taken Steps 1-8, honestly and thoroughly, then he understands the INTENT of Step 9:

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

which means the amendee has the right to decline. and that is perfectly ok, and exactly as it should be. it is the willingness to make amends that counts.

to clarify what he "may" have meant about relapsing. if one does not take the steps seriously to build a strong foundation in recovery, then relapse is that much more possible. BUT that does NOT mean that if he does NOT makes amends to YOU he will surely relapse.

so if you aren't interested, then you are in no way obligated or responsible for what happens next TO HIM. that you had him cut off from so many forms of contact but he still found a way thru is disturbing. he obviously didn't get the hint, eh?

Updating:

A week ago I decided I wouldn't respond to the email. I was out of town the last four days and didn't have reception, but when I returned this morning, I saw another email in my inbox.

Since we can not directly copy/paste things, I'll paraphrase his message...He said something along the lines of:

Can you please just respond with "ok I'll allow you to present your amends" or "I have no interest in you apologizing what-so-ever." He goes on to explain that his sponsor has been inquiring with him about whether or not he has tried to reach out to me and that his sponsor is encouraging him to seek making an amends with me since a lot of his "self hatred and resentment" stems from the abuse and trauma he put me through in our relationship."

I'm not in AA, but this seems to be a bit manipulative. I doubt a sponsor would insist on continuing to contact me when I've ignored him...but, again, I'm not entirely well versed on this. I feel my codependency issues rearing their head..."Maybe I should just respond and say my email is open, do I really want this responsibility on my shoulders."

Just rationalizing my thoughts and putting them down. Thanks for letting me share.

Understand that sponsors are just that. Sponsors. They don't have any formal mental health training. They have went through the steps. That's it. I actually backed away from sponsoring anyone at CR (and I did have some training) for this reason. Just because what was right for me, and my situation, did not mean that it was right for everyone else. It clearly states in the steps that to make amends unless to do so would harm someone else. It's harming you, giving you anxiety. So he should not be doing so, he should simply leave you alone.

Believe me, your not responding is his problem, not yours. You continue to do what is right for you. Don't be manipulated by him, or his sponsor, into responding when you don't want or need to. It's not your job.

Hugs to you.

stems from the abuse and trauma he put me through in our relationship."

while continuing to badger you now after the fact. either he is not understanding his sponsor, or his sponsor doesn't get it, but in any case, THIS IS SO NOT YOUR PROBLEM. if you do not reply, your email account may be closed for all he knows.

The sponsor story is crap. Any good sponsor would suggest sending ONE email and then "make a living amends by continuing to work an honest program whether the person responds or not"

At least that's what my sponsors have suggested, and that's what I tell sponsees. Even if they won't forgive you, you have to forgive yourself.

I cannot for one moment believe that he is being encouraged to keep contacting you by a healthy sponsor.

the amends step says "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

emphasis is mine... the fact that you haven't responded to him is a response and he needs to let it go..... you have no responsibility in the matter, really. IMHO he is not approaching doing amends in a healthy way. you don't want to hear it. that's good enough and it isn't necessary that you tell him that - sounds like he is fishing for contact.

like i said - the fact that you aren't taking the bait is your answer. hang on to your peace and find your joy!

I agree with all of the above. It doesn't matter what he wants, it doesn't matter what his sponsor wants. You want no contact and if they won't respect that, then respect yourself enough to not answer.

This is classic manipulation at its worst and you don't have to join the circus.

Hugs

Geez Louise. This sounds way too much like "Hi. I'm here to give you this gift. I'm going to ram it down your throat."

As to his sponsor, it sounds like your ex is twisting the words...

His sponsor didn't ask if you accepted his amends, he merely asked him if he already reached out to you. If yes, OK, he did it. If no, well he should...

That's the reason why he should seek, NOT FORCE, amends from you in the first place. Whether or not you accept the amends is totally up to you. To me, at least the way I read it, it's NOT a reason to badger you into accepting the amends.

The way he's behaving now, he's generating resentment in spades.

Just a suggestion, I would set a filter to send his email straight to trash.

I wouldn't respond
That looks more like guilt-tripping than amends to me.

I declined amends. When my ex was ready to make them, we were separated, virtually no contact, and I was moving toward a decision to not reunite with him. I decided that, for me and my healing, listening to his amends would be a setback and not do me any good. I already understood addiction, and I didn't need to hear him admit anything if we weren't building a future together.

He eventually shared with me in a subsequent conversation (exchanging final property to each other) that it really hurt that I didn't even want his amends. That struck me as odd, because I felt like he was using them to get closer to me and rekindle something.

I'm glad I declined. I didn't owe him listening to them, and as others have said, his willingness is the part that counts.

Trust your gut, its telling you YOUR issues are in play here. Keep reminding yourself that YOU have nothing at all to do with HIS recovery, never did and never will.