Lily1918

Hello everyone,

I have had no contact with XAH #2 since the fall of last year. My marriage with him is over. He signed the paperwork. We shared no common property. Its seems like it was all a bad dream.

XAH #1 however.... Is a different matter. He is the father of my two children, so it was not so easy to cut him out of my life.

Something happened. I'm not sure what, but about 3 weeks ago, Child Services came to my door and voiced concerns about the children. I let them in of course and we spoke for quite some time.

I must say what a relief it was, being in recovery myself, to invite them into my home with out the fear that consumes people in active addictuon. They were not concerned about the dishes in the sink, or the pile of laundry on the couch being sorted. The man told me that dishes mean there is food, and laundry means there is clothing. My dog was not happy, but the man allowed me to let the dog out and wanted to meet the dog. In no time the dog was calm and relaxed. I'm sure he was looking into the nature of the safety of the dog. He said that his loud knock on the door upsets almost all dogs, but that mine seemed friendly and not aggressive.

They asked me to take my son to their doctor, and so I did. By the time I left their office they had temporarily canceled visitation with their father and had given the children to me. They have given the children to me. The children are to be no contact with their father for the time being

I do not know what the department is going to do, but I do know that this is serious. They told me to get a restraining order against XAH#1 and gave me information so that the judge would grant it. XAH has contested the order. There will be a hearing. I'm slightly nervous about this.

I have been told by victims advocacy that there is no need to petition the courts for sole custody at this time, because chances are it will be awarded to me anyways.

WHAT!?!? I sat there. Dumbfounded.

I do of course have more details but won't post them publicly online until after all is said and done.

I want to add that all of the authorities involved are aware that I am in recovery. They believe (but have not yet proved) that XAH#1 is not in recovery. What a miracle this is! I don't know what to think. My emotions are all over the place.

On a side note... They ran a background check on XAH #2, even though I assured them we are no contact. He is the one I have posted about the most. He did in fact fail 2 UAs for parole. He is on his 3rd strike to be sent back to prison. I'm glad he left now, instead of trying to stay. I feel more confident now that using looks like using. God showed me the answer in time.

I know there are Moms here who have been given their grandchildren by child services. I'm wondering if any of you have any ESH for me. I know it is a long road ahead. The children's father is not even being offered visitation at this time.

I know this post is long, I really needed to vent. I think this has triggered my need to control again. I cannot control this outcome. I cannot control what happens next. I can only do the next right thing, stay accountable, and continue to work my program.

Thanks everyone
Lily

AnvilheadII

wow Lilly, when i think back to your early days here......without sounding trite or condescending, but you have sure come a LONG WAYS!!!!! by consistently making choices FOR recovery - in your own life, in your love life, in your children's lives - you are now on the precipice of a truly unimaginable gift. really blows my mind.

i hope that whatever troubles befall X#1 that your safety is not in danger and that he does not pose a threat.

and i'm REALLY glad to know that dishes in the sink is a GOOD thing! whew! LOL

WE DO RECOVER.

Ann

I agree, Lily, your recovery is shining girl!

Just keep doing the next right thing and keep your focus on yourself and your child and life will lead you to wonderful new tomorrows.

Thank you for sharing all that with us, you are proof that there is hope for all of us.

Hugs and Hugs

Hechosedrugs

Lily,

A million thanks for this post! I have rationalized staying with my STBX for so long, thinking that, without any proof of his using, I'll just wind up with 50/50 anyway, which is terrifying to me. I figured by staying with him, they'll actually see him less, and they'll have me there to protect them. But I know now his using will catch up with him soon enough, and they'll be returned to me. There is no sense in me having to live in this insanity- and, if anything, I can set an example to them by breaking free and making the most of my life.

And, yes, it is so good to hear that when that knock comes- dishes won't be a concern!

GardenMama

Thanks for the update, Lily. Despite the drama and anxiety-causing situation, you sound so grounded and calm. I am happy for your continued recovery and glad your children have you taking care of them.
No advice from me. Just big hugs.

zoso77

Thanks for checking in, Lily. Keep us posted as this evolves. God bless.

Lily1918

Oh wow these responses bring tears to my eyes!!!!

I am afraid a little because I don't know honestly what the outcome will be. I really have to take this one day at a time!!!!

THANK GOD that I passed every hair folicle they gave me!!!

I hate him. I hope the protective order stands. If it does not we will hide the children until this is all over.

It scares me because this is not a Me vs Him custody battle... Its Him Vs the state! I don't yet know how far this will go....

((((Anvil)))) no it is NOT condescending!!!

I feel Like Elsa from frozen

" Let the storm rage on!!!! The cold never bothered me anyways"

I will of course keep everyone updated.

I need a strong program more than ever. I am one bad decision away. I am determined now. I am 2 years and 3 months out from when I last used. I will not fall. Come hell or highwater. The stakes are too high now. There is too much to lose.

Hugs everyone

Ann

Congratulation on the sobriety time Lily, and the wisdom to know that each day matters, each moment, and you are taking these all with courage and grace.

Hugs

hopeful4

Lily, I just think you are amazing. I want to chime in with pride of how far you have come. You are NOT one bad decision away. You know what's important, and you know what is the right thing to do. That's just what you were doing when they showed up, and it's what you will continue.

Your recovery is amazing and shining! We are here for you! Blessings to you and the kids, thank goodness they have you!

Vale

Lily you are an inspiration to us all. You will not fall.

Hugs,
Vale

GardenMama

We are cheering you on, Lily!

And in my own somewhat related experience, it's better to have the state working on behalf of your children in this kind of circumstance, as opposed to a custody battle between the two of you. Your recovery is solid and I think you are more than aware now of what a "next bad /good decision" would mean. Although I understand and respect that phrase in the program, I do think it is helpful to also remember every day all the good decisions you continue to make and take strength in those--the time, the number of them and your consistency/commitment to recovery.

Take care.

Lily1918

Well in a small update this will not be a crmnal case. It will be a custody case. CPS has extended the no contact period through the end of May. After that, they will inform me what they want to do.

They might allow supervised visitation if he co operates. It is all up to him. Meanwhile, the children stay with me.

He has appealed the restraining order. We go back to court n Tuesday to see what happens.

Thanks for the support everyone

Anaya

Kudos to you for continuing to seek sobriety in very difficult circumstances and for providing your children with a stable environment. Sending up prayers for peace for you and your family. Hugs.