advice on moving on please!
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 2
advice on moving on please!
Hi everyone. I’m new to the board but having been reading here for awhile. It has given me some great insight so thank you
I’m 27 and was with my ex for 3 years. He was an opiate addict and I didn’t know for the first 8 months. Like many others, I ignored the red flags because we had great chemistry and a strong mutual attraction to each other. He had many qualities I was drawn to in a partner, but I do realize in hindsight that I was partially holding on to the potential I saw in him. Certain needs were not being met but I thought these things would work themselves out as the relationship progressed. I’ll spare the details but once the scary truth about his addiction came out, the honeymoon phase was over and the rollercoaster began. Our relationship was very on/off and I finally realized that he wouldn’t change because he wasn’t ready to. His parents are also bad enablers. I finally got tired of the lies, lack of trust, waiting, and the empty person he became. We made the final break and it was mutual but I was heartbroken. But deep down I knew it needed to happen so I can be healthy and think logically again. I was also very scared about what the future would look like for us.
Shortly after we broke up he went to rehab. I’m not sure why this happened AFTER 3 years of staying by side and hoping he would get help. He was there for a few weeks and I spoke to him when he got out. He sounded elated and high on life. All he talked about was being spiritually enlightened and how he was this new person. He seemed so absorbed in himself that he wasn’t effected by the break up at all. He said he was going to put recovery as his #1 priority and wasn’t interested in being with anyone else. At this point I was still hanging on to the slight hope that one day we could work out if he truly committed to turning things around.
…3 months later I found out he was in a new relationship. She’s also a recovering addict and has a kid. From what I’ve been reading, this seems very common. While logically I understand why this happens, I can’t get myself to ACCEPT it, and to just move on and let go. I find myself analyzing and obsessing over it (and also over him and our relationship in general). I feel like I’ve always been trying to understand his brain and behavior. Meanwhile he doesn’t seem to be thinking of me at all. I’m the one feeling everything while he's just blacking out his past and pretending to be this new person. I didn’t expect him to act this way once he was “clean” and feeling better. Jumping into a new relationship so fast, acting like his behavior didn’t effect anyone, posting on social media about how perfect his life is right away, etc. I guess I thought he was better than that. He’s been with his new gf for awhile now and he looks a lot healthier so I’m assuming he’s clean and working some sort of program (I deleted him from social media and haven’t been in contact, but from time to time things pop up when mutual friends comment on his page). So that leaves me wondering if he’s giving her all those things I wish we could have in our relationship.
I find myself going back and forth so much about this. I know the relationship is over and I need to let it go. Some days I’m fine because I know the facts of addiction and this makes it easier to not let it effect me. But other days I find myself putting all this effort into thinking about someone who I don’t even recognize anymore, and who’s most likely not thinking of me at all. It hurts that I put all this love and energy into someone and then he just blamed me for things and wrote me off so easily. It's hard talking to people that haven't been through it. They don't want to listen and just toss it aside saying "you deserve better." I know this is true but it's not so easy to turn off your feelings and forget your past. I would appreciate any advice you have to offer. Thanks so much for reading.
I’m 27 and was with my ex for 3 years. He was an opiate addict and I didn’t know for the first 8 months. Like many others, I ignored the red flags because we had great chemistry and a strong mutual attraction to each other. He had many qualities I was drawn to in a partner, but I do realize in hindsight that I was partially holding on to the potential I saw in him. Certain needs were not being met but I thought these things would work themselves out as the relationship progressed. I’ll spare the details but once the scary truth about his addiction came out, the honeymoon phase was over and the rollercoaster began. Our relationship was very on/off and I finally realized that he wouldn’t change because he wasn’t ready to. His parents are also bad enablers. I finally got tired of the lies, lack of trust, waiting, and the empty person he became. We made the final break and it was mutual but I was heartbroken. But deep down I knew it needed to happen so I can be healthy and think logically again. I was also very scared about what the future would look like for us.
Shortly after we broke up he went to rehab. I’m not sure why this happened AFTER 3 years of staying by side and hoping he would get help. He was there for a few weeks and I spoke to him when he got out. He sounded elated and high on life. All he talked about was being spiritually enlightened and how he was this new person. He seemed so absorbed in himself that he wasn’t effected by the break up at all. He said he was going to put recovery as his #1 priority and wasn’t interested in being with anyone else. At this point I was still hanging on to the slight hope that one day we could work out if he truly committed to turning things around.
…3 months later I found out he was in a new relationship. She’s also a recovering addict and has a kid. From what I’ve been reading, this seems very common. While logically I understand why this happens, I can’t get myself to ACCEPT it, and to just move on and let go. I find myself analyzing and obsessing over it (and also over him and our relationship in general). I feel like I’ve always been trying to understand his brain and behavior. Meanwhile he doesn’t seem to be thinking of me at all. I’m the one feeling everything while he's just blacking out his past and pretending to be this new person. I didn’t expect him to act this way once he was “clean” and feeling better. Jumping into a new relationship so fast, acting like his behavior didn’t effect anyone, posting on social media about how perfect his life is right away, etc. I guess I thought he was better than that. He’s been with his new gf for awhile now and he looks a lot healthier so I’m assuming he’s clean and working some sort of program (I deleted him from social media and haven’t been in contact, but from time to time things pop up when mutual friends comment on his page). So that leaves me wondering if he’s giving her all those things I wish we could have in our relationship.
I find myself going back and forth so much about this. I know the relationship is over and I need to let it go. Some days I’m fine because I know the facts of addiction and this makes it easier to not let it effect me. But other days I find myself putting all this effort into thinking about someone who I don’t even recognize anymore, and who’s most likely not thinking of me at all. It hurts that I put all this love and energy into someone and then he just blamed me for things and wrote me off so easily. It's hard talking to people that haven't been through it. They don't want to listen and just toss it aside saying "you deserve better." I know this is true but it's not so easy to turn off your feelings and forget your past. I would appreciate any advice you have to offer. Thanks so much for reading.
You know that what you had to do was for your safety and well being.
You got out of his way and let him make his own choices, while you made yours.
I have learned when people put forth the image that their life if incredibly amazing 'now', it's far from the truth. But never the less, you dodged a life that would bring you so much pain and hardship. I wish I could be there to give you a giant hug - for being strong enough to realize this without spending so many more years figuring it out.
My exABF wasn't even in detox when he was telling me he was. Many do hookup in there or after and it's not the setting that causes that - it's the individual.
Your residual feelings will stay with you until you heal. Give yourself time but not too much that it consumes you. Find something that builds your inner strength and confidence. Exercise, walking, hiking, riding a bike, beaches, a new hobby .... or something that brings you peace. Each day, one thing that makes you feel good about 'you'.
Keep reading stories here, most of us have been thru hell and survived. Stronger after all is finished. If you feel that you need to chat, we are here. Or consider speaking with a counselor. Working on codependency may be important. Reading suggested books (or listening to cd). Meetings in your area. It helps to get the feelings out.
We are here for you anytime you need us. Wishing you strength and peace. You are stronger than you know.
Hugs to you, Joie
You got out of his way and let him make his own choices, while you made yours.
I have learned when people put forth the image that their life if incredibly amazing 'now', it's far from the truth. But never the less, you dodged a life that would bring you so much pain and hardship. I wish I could be there to give you a giant hug - for being strong enough to realize this without spending so many more years figuring it out.
My exABF wasn't even in detox when he was telling me he was. Many do hookup in there or after and it's not the setting that causes that - it's the individual.
Your residual feelings will stay with you until you heal. Give yourself time but not too much that it consumes you. Find something that builds your inner strength and confidence. Exercise, walking, hiking, riding a bike, beaches, a new hobby .... or something that brings you peace. Each day, one thing that makes you feel good about 'you'.
Keep reading stories here, most of us have been thru hell and survived. Stronger after all is finished. If you feel that you need to chat, we are here. Or consider speaking with a counselor. Working on codependency may be important. Reading suggested books (or listening to cd). Meetings in your area. It helps to get the feelings out.
We are here for you anytime you need us. Wishing you strength and peace. You are stronger than you know.
Hugs to you, Joie
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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I'm sorry you're hurting...I understand how it's one thing to tell yourself all the logical facts, but it's another to give up on a dream.
But he was in addiction the entire time you were together, so you don't even know the real person. Active addicts are very charming, very persuasive, and very manipulative...because otherwise who would put up with them?
The odds that he and his rehab romance will live happily ever after aren't great, no matter what he's saying. It's just too bad there is now a child in the midst of this.
He isn't who you thought he was, then or now. In time, you'll look back and wonder why you wasted so much effort on him.
Sending you a hug.
But he was in addiction the entire time you were together, so you don't even know the real person. Active addicts are very charming, very persuasive, and very manipulative...because otherwise who would put up with them?
The odds that he and his rehab romance will live happily ever after aren't great, no matter what he's saying. It's just too bad there is now a child in the midst of this.
He isn't who you thought he was, then or now. In time, you'll look back and wonder why you wasted so much effort on him.
Sending you a hug.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 2
Hi Joie, thanks for your reply I’m been taking care of myself by living healthier and spending more times with loved ones. It definitely helps me to enjoy each day and stay in the moment. I’m feeling stronger than I used to and having more good days than bad. I’m just wondering if it’s common to still analyze and think about all this so long after the breakup. On the rare occasion that I do talk to friends and family about it, they make me feel like I should just get over it already and that I’m beating a dead horse. Maybe keeping it inside makes it a harder process to go through. I’ll definitely read up on codependency because I think it will help!
Aries, this is also good advice and important for me to read. I think deep down I know that I didn't know the "real" him since he was using most the time. It's hard to accept that and to let go of the fantasy of who I thought he was or could be. Because who he is now is surely not who I thought he was. I need to keep reminding myself this and to focus on myself.
Aries, this is also good advice and important for me to read. I think deep down I know that I didn't know the "real" him since he was using most the time. It's hard to accept that and to let go of the fantasy of who I thought he was or could be. Because who he is now is surely not who I thought he was. I need to keep reminding myself this and to focus on myself.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Ginger...
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what's brought you here, but I'm happy you've found us.
So, how do you move on?
It's simple, yet hard. You move on by moving on. You make the decision that you're finished with him, once and for all, and there are no circumstances where you would allow him to be back in your life. That's the easy part.
The hard part is sticking to it. In my case (which you can look up via search), it was pretty easy for me to stick to it because I was betrayed multiple times in multiple ways. I just had to sit with all those nasty feelings. But after a few weeks, I was fine.
Granted, I'm me and you're you. But I think if we decide we're going to be OK, and we take steps to ensure we're going to be OK, then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy of sort.
You're going to feel whatever it is you feel. And that's both OK and normal. But if you're REALLY done with him, hold firm, and move on...moment by moment if you have to.
Chin up. You're going to be fine. Just fine.
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what's brought you here, but I'm happy you've found us.
So, how do you move on?
It's simple, yet hard. You move on by moving on. You make the decision that you're finished with him, once and for all, and there are no circumstances where you would allow him to be back in your life. That's the easy part.
The hard part is sticking to it. In my case (which you can look up via search), it was pretty easy for me to stick to it because I was betrayed multiple times in multiple ways. I just had to sit with all those nasty feelings. But after a few weeks, I was fine.
Granted, I'm me and you're you. But I think if we decide we're going to be OK, and we take steps to ensure we're going to be OK, then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy of sort.
You're going to feel whatever it is you feel. And that's both OK and normal. But if you're REALLY done with him, hold firm, and move on...moment by moment if you have to.
Chin up. You're going to be fine. Just fine.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
It sounds to me like he resented you for trying to "fix" him, because the way he saw it, you were only trying to change him, he was never good enough, etc. I know my STBX feels the same way, and knowing his character, he'll be rubbing his new piece in my face as soon as he finds one. I'm sure she'll be someone who understands him (puts up with his abuse), is beautiful (young and naive) and shares all of his dreams (of getting high). And even though I want nothing to do with him, I'm sure it will cut like a knife. I think it's the main reason I kept going back, really.
One thing's for sure- I'm better off, and so are you.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Beautifully put. I will be repeating this in my mind as I go through a similar situation.
It sounds to me like he resented you for trying to "fix" him, because the way he saw it, you were only trying to change him, he was never good enough, etc. I know my STBX feels the same way, and knowing his character, he'll be rubbing his new piece in my face as soon as he finds one. I'm sure she'll be someone who understands him (puts up with his abuse), is beautiful (young and naive) and shares all of his dreams (of getting high). And even though I want nothing to do with him, I'm sure it will cut like a knife. I think it's the main reason I kept going back, really.
One thing's for sure- I'm better off, and so are you.
It sounds to me like he resented you for trying to "fix" him, because the way he saw it, you were only trying to change him, he was never good enough, etc. I know my STBX feels the same way, and knowing his character, he'll be rubbing his new piece in my face as soon as he finds one. I'm sure she'll be someone who understands him (puts up with his abuse), is beautiful (young and naive) and shares all of his dreams (of getting high). And even though I want nothing to do with him, I'm sure it will cut like a knife. I think it's the main reason I kept going back, really.
One thing's for sure- I'm better off, and so are you.
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