Help think son is using coke
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
Help think son is using coke
My son is jumpy and all over the place, tested him and it came up for pot and coke. He says just once with friends on weekend but not a problem. but as a mom I feel it is more ?? anyone have someone addicted to coke? is it easy to become addicted too? what are the behaviors on it?? please help im so in need of some input
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Cocaine is rarely a "just once on the weekend" kinda drug, not when it still shows in his behaviour. My son was a cocaine/crack addict who went on to meth and back again...for years and years. Our home became a war zone any time he was allowed to come home on the promise that he was clean (when he was not).
No drug use while in my home was my boundary too. I felt guilty asking him to leave but then realized that "I" didn't throw him out, he "chose" to leave when he used drugs and crossed my boundary.
I hope you will find your peace with this somehow. Living with active addiction in your home soon takes away your peace, your safety and your sanity. It's no fun having a front row seat to addiction.
Prayers out for your son, hope he finds a better path soon.
Hugs
No drug use while in my home was my boundary too. I felt guilty asking him to leave but then realized that "I" didn't throw him out, he "chose" to leave when he used drugs and crossed my boundary.
I hope you will find your peace with this somehow. Living with active addiction in your home soon takes away your peace, your safety and your sanity. It's no fun having a front row seat to addiction.
Prayers out for your son, hope he finds a better path soon.
Hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
i told him he can get help he doesn't think he needs it and is only willing to talk with his counselor I asked him to leave today he said fine he can do it on his own wont get help and I asked him to move out today my god this is insane again but I have to protect my younger son and me I know this I hate freaking drugs and the access these kids have to it
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You did the right thing. If he is not willing to help himself, there is no reason you should provide a soft place for him to continue using drugs.
One of the greatest lessons of codependency recovery that I learned was to never do for anyone what they could and should be doing for themselves.
You want peace in your home, and you will have that when addiction moves out.
What he does from then on is up to him, sometimes the harder they fall, the sooner they surrender.
You are giving him the dignity and responsibility of making his own choices, however good or bad. He will live with the consequences when they become his to bear.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
One of the greatest lessons of codependency recovery that I learned was to never do for anyone what they could and should be doing for themselves.
You want peace in your home, and you will have that when addiction moves out.
What he does from then on is up to him, sometimes the harder they fall, the sooner they surrender.
You are giving him the dignity and responsibility of making his own choices, however good or bad. He will live with the consequences when they become his to bear.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Stay firm with your boundary, and if not for yourself, do it for your younger son. Somehow when we feel weak, that younger sibling makes it easier to call up Momma Tiger. Also, I wouldn't believe anything he tells you about his use or amount or frequency. Don't even bother asking him. When you see him sober for a few months in a row, only then will it be obvious he is not using.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I am a recovering heroin addict and a loved one of an addict and NO ONE just uses drugs once. This isn't just some oh he got drunk with friends this is he was doing cocaine IN YOUR HOUSE. Cocaine is not a long acting drug, if he just did it out with friends he would be sober by the time he came home.
The fact that he is so against treatment is also a sign that he is a drug addict. If he wasn't he would go and show that he is fine when the intake people tell you "Sorry he doesn't qualify he is not drug dependent or addicted".
You are taking care of your needs and the needs of your younger son. You are strong and you can do this. You laid out the boundary and HE CHOOSE not to abide by that boundary. He KNEW the consequence and said screw it. My mom set the same boundary I stormed out and said I could do it on my own, I lived on the streets for about 5 months but I got tired of it all. I know if my mom never kicked me out I would NEVER have gotten sober when my bf went to jail if I was in a house. Instead I was on the streets alone and for some reason in my addict mind being on the streets with bf was ok alone was a deal breaker. It saved my life being kicked out. He needs to answer for his choices.
At first I was mad at my mom, once I got sober we are closer than ever. I am so grateful for the push she gave me, she helped me save myself and we are closer today then we have ever been
The fact that he is so against treatment is also a sign that he is a drug addict. If he wasn't he would go and show that he is fine when the intake people tell you "Sorry he doesn't qualify he is not drug dependent or addicted".
You are taking care of your needs and the needs of your younger son. You are strong and you can do this. You laid out the boundary and HE CHOOSE not to abide by that boundary. He KNEW the consequence and said screw it. My mom set the same boundary I stormed out and said I could do it on my own, I lived on the streets for about 5 months but I got tired of it all. I know if my mom never kicked me out I would NEVER have gotten sober when my bf went to jail if I was in a house. Instead I was on the streets alone and for some reason in my addict mind being on the streets with bf was ok alone was a deal breaker. It saved my life being kicked out. He needs to answer for his choices.
At first I was mad at my mom, once I got sober we are closer than ever. I am so grateful for the push she gave me, she helped me save myself and we are closer today then we have ever been
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Thinking back to my early days of partying, drinking, drugs etc. I was one of those people that drank at parties, I've done drugs like cocaine on a number of occasions at parties and with my ex bf but to me, I never got addicted to cocaine. I grew up from my wild teenage immature days and never think about about doing cocaine ever again or missing it. But, for some (like my ex bf) got addicted to it. You never know who will be addicted to something and who will not. Cocaine is highly addictive drug, so is a lot of pain killers prescribed to millions of people who get surgeries but only a selected probability become addicted.
Unfortunately the teenage years in our society is a time of self exploration and some teenagers fall in with the wrong crowds and start experimenting with illegal stuff. Myself included and I was that student who was an honours student from a middle class home. There is so much peer pressure, drugs/booze readily available, media portraying the clubbing/partying scene as cool and this all appeals to the young, undeveloped, Immature minds. A vast majority grow up from that and end up living a substance-free life, a select few end up becoming addicts.
The approach I would take is to give your son a home that is well balanced, strict yet understanding. Open communication is necessary, you want him to be able to open up and communicate with you as much as possible. If he admits to using drugs, don't scold him for that (this just adds more shame/guilt and pushes him farther away from you). A mother/son relationship is critical at his stage in his life right now.
Unfortunately the teenage years in our society is a time of self exploration and some teenagers fall in with the wrong crowds and start experimenting with illegal stuff. Myself included and I was that student who was an honours student from a middle class home. There is so much peer pressure, drugs/booze readily available, media portraying the clubbing/partying scene as cool and this all appeals to the young, undeveloped, Immature minds. A vast majority grow up from that and end up living a substance-free life, a select few end up becoming addicts.
The approach I would take is to give your son a home that is well balanced, strict yet understanding. Open communication is necessary, you want him to be able to open up and communicate with you as much as possible. If he admits to using drugs, don't scold him for that (this just adds more shame/guilt and pushes him farther away from you). A mother/son relationship is critical at his stage in his life right now.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Again2016, we all hope the best for you, however, you need to prepare for the worst. Please never give him any money, hide all your jewelry and valuable possessions, and never ever let him use your car because he might just trade it for a hit of crack. We are all rootin for ya. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by AdelineRose 
I am a recovering heroin addict and a loved one of an addict and NO ONE just uses drugs once. This isn't just some oh he got drunk with friends this is he was doing cocaine IN YOUR HOUSE. Cocaine is not a long acting drug, if he just did it out with friends he would be sober by the time he came home.
The fact that he is so against treatment is also a sign that he is a drug addict. If he wasn't he would go and show that he is fine when the intake people tell you "Sorry he doesn't qualify he is not drug dependent or addicted".
You are taking care of your needs and the needs of your younger son. You are strong and you can do this. You laid out the boundary and HE CHOOSE not to abide by that boundary. He KNEW the consequence and said screw it. My mom set the same boundary I stormed out and said I could do it on my own, I lived on the streets for about 5 months but I got tired of it all. I know if my mom never kicked me out I would NEVER have gotten sober when my bf went to jail if I was in a house. Instead I was on the streets alone and for some reason in my addict mind being on the streets with bf was ok alone was a deal breaker. It saved my life being kicked out. He needs to answer for his choices.
At first I was mad at my mom, once I got sober we are closer than ever. I am so grateful for the push she gave me, she helped me save myself and we are closer today then we have ever been
The fact that he is so against treatment is also a sign that he is a drug addict. If he wasn't he would go and show that he is fine when the intake people tell you "Sorry he doesn't qualify he is not drug dependent or addicted".
You are taking care of your needs and the needs of your younger son. You are strong and you can do this. You laid out the boundary and HE CHOOSE not to abide by that boundary. He KNEW the consequence and said screw it. My mom set the same boundary I stormed out and said I could do it on my own, I lived on the streets for about 5 months but I got tired of it all. I know if my mom never kicked me out I would NEVER have gotten sober when my bf went to jail if I was in a house. Instead I was on the streets alone and for some reason in my addict mind being on the streets with bf was ok alone was a deal breaker. It saved my life being kicked out. He needs to answer for his choices.
At first I was mad at my mom, once I got sober we are closer than ever. I am so grateful for the push she gave me, she helped me save myself and we are closer today then we have ever been
Thank you so much....I really appreciate you taking time to read and post.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
son wanting to come home
My son wants to get to his counselor and come home for 2 wwwks till his apartment is ready. Now what. He broke my rules but has never asked for help. I'm stuck. I don't want to save him but what if he's not an addict and was exploring like a 21 year old can do? I struggle for the truth and I am really not hiding from it. Or living in denial. I've been thru too much addiction for that. He wants to know why he grabs a substance at times when his life is rough. Not sure he understands it and he wants to speak to an addiction counselor to make sense of it. No should be enough but what is the right move now. I know it's his move but now he's asking
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Is he seeing a counselor now? Or is this a "if you let me come home, I will see a counselor" thing?
If he is not an addict, as he says, then he should be able to get clean and stay clean. Therefore, a boundary of "nobody who uses drugs can live in my home" is fair and reasonable.
Even if he insists his use is only "casual" (and please just hear that but don't believe it for a moment), then two weeks of not using anything should not be a problem for him, yes?
It is entirely up to you to do what you feel is the right thing for you. It may help, sometimes it does. Or it may be just one more "go round" of turning your home into a war zone as it was for me the many times I gave my son another chance.
If you do let him in your home, please take the advice of someone above and hide your valuables, your medications and check books and bank cards. It is very sad to suggest that to mamas like me, but active addicts need money and don't care how or from whom they get it. That lesson cost me thousands of dollars, don't let it happen to you.
I "hear" harshness in my answer here and don't mean to be harsh at all. I am just setting out the reality of how this plays out for many of us. I pray that it plays out well for you and your son, really I do.
Hugs
If he is not an addict, as he says, then he should be able to get clean and stay clean. Therefore, a boundary of "nobody who uses drugs can live in my home" is fair and reasonable.
Even if he insists his use is only "casual" (and please just hear that but don't believe it for a moment), then two weeks of not using anything should not be a problem for him, yes?
It is entirely up to you to do what you feel is the right thing for you. It may help, sometimes it does. Or it may be just one more "go round" of turning your home into a war zone as it was for me the many times I gave my son another chance.
If you do let him in your home, please take the advice of someone above and hide your valuables, your medications and check books and bank cards. It is very sad to suggest that to mamas like me, but active addicts need money and don't care how or from whom they get it. That lesson cost me thousands of dollars, don't let it happen to you.
I "hear" harshness in my answer here and don't mean to be harsh at all. I am just setting out the reality of how this plays out for many of us. I pray that it plays out well for you and your son, really I do.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
I hear you Ann and I appreciate the wisdom for sure. I have been exposed to many addicts in my life, My older son has perc addiction but has been sober for 12 months but had to move out of state and start a new life to do it.... ex husband and my brother still actively using. This one scares me cause if it is casual he is playing Russian roulette with his life. He has been seeing his counselor who he likes a lot. Not an addiction counselor but right now the only one he will talk to. He does work every day and I just don't want to wait and see what happens but I know he has to find his way. Says he wishes he could figure out why he grabs substance when he is depressed and wished he didn't but no one substance all of which is no good. Im glad he opens up but I told him it has to be with his counselor so they can determine if he needs some additional help. I hate the not knowing I guess for sure.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by again2016
I hear you Ann and I appreciate the wisdom for sure. I have been exposed to many addicts in my life, My older son has perc addiction but has been sober for 12 months but had to move out of state and start a new life to do it.... ex husband and my brother still actively using. This one scares me cause if it is casual he is playing Russian roulette with his life. He has been seeing his counselor who he likes a lot. Not an addiction counselor but right now the only one he will talk to. He does work every day and I just don't want to wait and see what happens but I know he has to find his way. Says he wishes he could figure out why he grabs substance when he is depressed and wished he didn't but no one substance all of which is no good. Im glad he opens up but I told him it has to be with his counselor so they can determine if he needs some additional help. I hate the not knowing I guess for sure.
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