Reno73

I'm not sure if this is were to post this but I need some help..in December I reconnected with a long ago friend.. We got close and soon started dating. At the time I knew he had problems with alcohol and heroin. I just know the extent of it. I slowly starting figuring it out. He drank everyday from morning to night. At first I just thought knowing too much of it but then it started getting really bad. He was also on methadone and was having problems with the clinic because of drinking and they get lowering his dose. He eventually got kicked out of that clinic and went to a 3 day detox for alcohol. He came out and seemed better. But he went back to the original clinic on a very low dose of methadone and was also required to take antibuse. Our relationship had shifted and he seemed less interested in me and only could focus on the methadone issues. I stuck by him and helped him as much as I could. He adventually got kicked out of the methadone clinic again and started using heroin to not be sick. He started withdrawing from me and adventually told me his feelings changed for me and he only wanted to be friends.. I'm just so confused and hurt because I stuck by him and was trying everything I could to get him help and into a new clinic. I just don't know what to do.

doggonecarl

Sorry for what brings you here.

December of 2015? So maybe four months. That's not long. Early dating should be figuring out if one is compatible with the person they are in a relationship with. Does one share interests? or are we with a polar opposite? If a person doesn't share your value systems, your morals, you move on.

So why is someone with a serious drug and alcohol addiction a compatible choice for you?

Reno73

I see your point.. I guess I should clarify I didn't know he was a current heroin user when we reconnect. He says he wasn't but I did catch him a few times changing the story about the last time he used. We do have a lot in common and we both admitted to being interested in each other long ago. We got very close very fast. I realize 4 months isn't long. I don't know much about heroin and he basically said you can really never understand unless you are a heroin addict. I guess my question was more about heroin and if he changes your feelings as in do you push people away, do you withdrawal from things that use to make you happy. I believe he wants to be clean and sober to that is what I was holding onto..he's a very good person and there's still some part of him that has been untouched by drugs and alcohol.

Ariesagain

This is textbook addict dating 101 and the phrase "we were very close very fast" is classic...

This isn't your fault, you can't change it, and even though it's really hard, count yourself lucky you only lost four months to his addiction...there are lovely people here who have lost decades trying to fix addicts they love. This will not get better.

Someone here says, "Pray for him and stay away from him," and that really sums it up.

I'm sorry you hurt...please move on with your own sweet life.

SparkleKitty

If he's an active user and has been since you met him, then you don't really have a clear picture of who he really is right now. He's not two people -- the user and the "untouched" person, he's all in one.

If he is taking steps to recover -- and that is kind of a big IF -- then to be successful at it, it will require all of his focus and attention. He doesn't need help, a big part of this is learning self-reliance without the use of numbing substances like alcohol and heroin. He will be very mixed-up for an indefinite amount of time.

If he isn't pursuing recovery, then you could consider yourself lucky that it was only four months you spent with him.

atalose

So you have been dating someone for 4 short months and he has lied to you right from the beginning about his hard core drug addiction and you want to know if it was the heroin that changed his feelings about you? Is that what you are asking?

From way over here I see that you fell hard and fast for a hard core drug abuser in a very short period of time and that you tried desperately to get him clean but he only tried getting clean a little bit, just enough so he could get methadone.

If he wanted to truly be clean and sober he’d be moving heaven and earth to do so.

Life lessons hurt, relationship endings hurt………….best we can do is understand our part and not make the same mistakes moving forward.

AnvilheadII

so you knew from Day 1 that he did booze and heroin AND that he drank from morning til night and you STILL fell for him and began to DATE him? i'm not sure HOW you managed to miss all those HUGE RED FLAGS???

you just got to see about two seconds of his addict life......wasn't that enough??? he will NEVER be who ever he was to you LONG AGO. he is who he is NOW. a dope fiend.

Ariesagain

In all fairness, there's a ton of bad information out there that makes it seem like all it takes is one big teary intervention and a stint at rehab and all will be well...voila, the addict has been cured through the power of love!

If you've never had someone close to you be addicted or been addicted yourself and the addict is minimizing everything while being his/her most charming self and making promises that you don't know won't be kept, it's pretty easy to get sucked in. We've certainly seen plenty of intelligent, kind, educated codependents here who lose years of their life trying to fix their qualifier.

zoso77

Reno...

Welcome to the Board. Allow me to cut to the chase.

Sure, you do. He's bad news. Didn't matter what you did or didn't do for him, or that you stuck by him, or that you love him, because he's unable to absorb any of it. There is no evidence -- and I mean zero -- that he wants to be a healthier, responsible member of our society. And you know what? He's got the right to make that decision.

Just as you have the right to make your own decisions. And since you're only 4 months in, my hope is that you'll decide to:

* delete his contact information
* block him from emailing you and contacting you on social media
* examine why you made the choices you did

We can help you tremendously on that last one. Are you up to that?

glitterdeva

Yes, heroin changes everything, takes away everything, becomes their mistress, everything else is second. I have spent 6 years with a heroin user and I can tell you that until he decides he wants recovery he will continue to use. Drinking and getting kicked out from methadone clinic doesn't look like recovery to me. Methadone, suboxone, vivitrol shot, antabuse - these are all like bandages to the real problem. If a person wants to get clean, they can use these tools to get sober, but that's not what gets them sober, you know? The way I look at it - addiction is a disease, like cancer. Would you be skipping your chemo treatments and drinking/smoking when you know you can die? Addiction is insanity and it takes EVERYTHING away from a person. Most importantly for you, it will take everything away from you too. Please, please, please, take care of yourself first.

glitterdeva

I read your original post, but replied to your update Here is my story, maybe it will help you (in a nutshell, of course . I met my then bf 6 years ago, he also lied about his heroin use, I didn't know much about heroin. We fell in love immediately, the connection, love, sex, etc, etc, etc. Then he tells me he is on suboxone, then I find out he was using heroin. And then it starts - lies, stealing from me, using, manipulating, fights, he gets arrested, I kick him out, he goes to detox, he goes to rehab, he cheats, he uses, he manipulates, i try to help, he goes to jail (for 2 years!!!!), I decide to wait, he comes out, all these promises, uses heroin 3 days later, for the next 2 years - its suboxone, heroin, whatever else, lies, fights, but you know, I am saving him. Then 2 rehabs. Relapses, vivitrol shot, he switches to crack, goes nuts, loses his job, goes back to sub, gets another job, starts doing heroin again and crack, cheats again, back to another rehab, gets kicked out of there for using and selling heroin to people and now on the way to some sober house. I have filed for divorce a month ago.

I was in the middle of all of this. This insanity, this hell, I was a WILLING participant, because I thought that there was this great person inside, I thought I could save him, I thought we had that connection, I thought my love was stronger than heroin. I have children from previous marriage, I have a masters degree, great job, I am good looking, I bodybuild, I HAD hobbies, I HAD great finances, I HAD great friends and family. I am now filing for bankruptcy , I consider myself mentally ill, I am very very anxious and depressed, I am scared, I am a mess.

I have a confession to make - when we met and after I found out he did heroin, I had a bottle of wine and was pretty intoxicated. I remember thinking, WHAT does it feel like to be on heroin? Why is he choosing it over me over and over and over again. So I asked him - i want to try it, just one time, i want to feel what you feel. Guess what? He injected me with it (had it on him of course) - injected a person who never tried it before, who can maybe die right there or get addicted like he was. By the grace of G-d I have never ever ever got addicted, never wanted this chit again, and thank you Lord for that! You know what it felt like? I was nodding and it felt like I am a dead fish in a can of olive oil, I felt empty, i felt no pain, I felt that there is this space, where there is nothing. Can you imagine? Not feeling chit? And doing so for years?

Reno73

Thanks for all your replies... I ended up finding out yesterday that he is back with his ex who he has a history with of using she is also 20 years younger then him. I'm guessing he started reconnecting with her while we were still dating. That explains the sudden change of heart. And to make things more clear I didn't know he was drinking everyday from morning until night at the beginning.. I have a full time job, don't use drugs, have a active social life and would only see him occasionally at the beginning. He painted a different picture until we started getting closer..that's when he started filling me in about what was really going on and basically from that point on that was the main focus him and his addictions and trying to get clean. He also doesn't have a job and lives with his mother who is super fed up after dealing with him and his addictions for the past 15 years. I feel sorry for her. I just didn't know what I was getting into until I was already in. I guess I was codependent. He did manipulate me a lot to give him money and I felt sorry for him because it was always I'm dope sick. His mom called me once and asked if I was giving him money because she was too. I guess maybe him breaking it off was the best thing that could have happened. He's been addicted to heroin and alcohol for 15+ years and I wasn't going to be the one to change that. I get that now. But it still hurts because I did believe in him and thought just maybe things would work out.. I remember him
Always telling me when I get clean you'll
See I wasn't using you...he's been saying that for along time...what a whirlwind of the last 4 months. I learned a lot. I even once thought ok I want to see what it feels like to do heroin...but I never did...he was also willing to let me try it with him. I guess I'm lucky I was only 4 months in. Thanks again for all
Your replies.

doggonecarl

For your next relationship, aim higher. You deserve it.

zoso77

Yup. He got what he wanted out of you, and when he was done, he cut you loose. Hurts, doesn't it?

And yet, stories like this are happening every day somewhere. So at the end of the day, this is less about you and more about him. Don't personalize what he did.

Instead, think about why you made the choices you made.

atalose

Sometimes you just have to accept that some people are sh*tty human beings and stop trying to see the good that isn’t there.

We make mistakes we miss judge people, it happens and it teaches us to know better the next time

Reno73

Yeah I won't be making that mistake again... Lesson learned...I guess why I never got into drugs.

Reno73

Now I gotta quit smoking I was so stressed out all the time I started smoking...yuck!

glitterdeva

Thank G-d you only spent 4 months with him!!!!

glitterdeva

I haven't smoked since college and now I am smoking almost a pack a day Trying to quit also, you are not alone

Reno73

I'm so frustrated....he won't stop texting me asking for money....ask your girlfriend...why me....he also keeps sending me texts saying he loves me and one day he can see us together again. I haven't responded to any of his texts but it's hard not too. What is wrong with him he's 42 and dating a 21 year old! And won't leave me alone now! Agh!