Hi I'm new. Wife of Addict.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Nashville,TN
Posts: 5
Hi I'm new. Wife of Addict.
I'm new here. My name is Tammy. I am married and have three kids and we are nearing our ten yr wedding anniversary. My husband is an addict, and not just with drugs, it can be money, power, pills, anything. His Mom was very much like that and his Dad's family enabled her. He learned from her. We can have an amazing marriage and friendship,but no matter how much we try, he lies and goes back. He also has a lying issue. It's beginning to rub onto the kids. and I feel I'm not truly living. I'm anxious to make it official and move out and split our family up. I've always thought that I was doing the right thing to be supportive and stay and forever, but I just don't even like him any more. I am beginning to hate the man. I have a high sense of doing the right thing, and he doesn't and our moral aren't and willl never allign. I don't tell friends anymore because been there done that and they throw it in your face and get mad when you don't follow their opinion exactly. So I'm so lonely. I like in Nashville, well north in Hendersonville. I'd love to make new friends because I can't process this all alone. Thank you so much for reading my introduction.
Tammy
PS If there are any groups or other places for family to connect please let me know them. Thanks so much!
Tammy
PS If there are any groups or other places for family to connect please let me know them. Thanks so much!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Tammy,
Have your and H tried marriage counselling? It's not a magic bullet, but it offers a safe controlled atmosphere for discussing basic differences. You might be able come to an agreement about honesty with each other.
If you have made up your mind, or even think you have, make a plan. Just small steps at first to get the resources together that you need, like money, employment, legal arrangements, the children. You don't have to leave tomorrow, and would be better if you had a plan.
The organisation for families is called Nar-anon. The addicts themselves go to Narcotics Anonymous. If you can't find a Nar-anon near you, you'll still learn lots from Al-anon. Both organisations are about surviving living with addiction and all that implies.
Have your and H tried marriage counselling? It's not a magic bullet, but it offers a safe controlled atmosphere for discussing basic differences. You might be able come to an agreement about honesty with each other.
If you have made up your mind, or even think you have, make a plan. Just small steps at first to get the resources together that you need, like money, employment, legal arrangements, the children. You don't have to leave tomorrow, and would be better if you had a plan.
The organisation for families is called Nar-anon. The addicts themselves go to Narcotics Anonymous. If you can't find a Nar-anon near you, you'll still learn lots from Al-anon. Both organisations are about surviving living with addiction and all that implies.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Nashville,TN
Posts: 5
I feel like I could have should have five years ago and understand what you mean ill be in a bumpy ride. It's like I can look hindsight and ahead and know just know it ain't working but damn it if I don't want to try ya know! I'm trying to be smart now it's getting bad and I have no one to lean on which is hard.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Nashville,TN
Posts: 5
And yes we have been through marriage counseling for two years on and off. We just meet our deductible and started back yesterday for the year. Unfortunately that is something we wait until we've meet. So I texted and made an emergency visit to our therapist yesterday, and low and behold did he sleep through parts. Ever since Saturday he's been nodding off and slurring and I can't get why so I made an appt and to get her help. She agreed that something is off with him. It may be drugs or may be extreme exhaustion like she said due to we been in a bad month. He had to have his gallbladder emergency removed two weeks ago. His grandfather is in the hospital we help care for and I was hospitalized all last week for a severe type of pneumonia. I'm supposed to take it easy but it's hard when things are messed up.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Tammy...
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I'm glad you found us and took the time to post. Usually I gave newcomers some preamble about what they're in for when dealing with a loved one's addiction. But in your case, I've going to deviate a bit from that norm. Why? Because of this:
It would not surprise me if your AH has some underlying character issues in addition to addiction issues. If this is the case, then you've got some decisions at your doorstep. Think about it. You've been married 10 years, and what evidence is there that he wants to commit to being a responsible spouse and parent? Every time he picks up, he puts himself before your marriage and your family. And the issues with his character are having a deleterious effect on your children.
If there are character issues underneath the addiction issues, I do not see much hope for him unless he decides to commit to recovery and work on becoming a healthier, more accountable adult. Based on this, all I will tell you is you do not need permission to do what you think is best for you and your children.
And be mindful that what is best does not necessarily mean what you want.
Learn what you're up against. Be honest with yourself about what you can handle and what you can't. Believe what your eyes are telling you. And if necessary, do what needs to be done.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I'm glad you found us and took the time to post. Usually I gave newcomers some preamble about what they're in for when dealing with a loved one's addiction. But in your case, I've going to deviate a bit from that norm. Why? Because of this:
My husband is an addict, and not just with drugs, it can be money, power, pills, anything...He also has a lying issue.
If there are character issues underneath the addiction issues, I do not see much hope for him unless he decides to commit to recovery and work on becoming a healthier, more accountable adult. Based on this, all I will tell you is you do not need permission to do what you think is best for you and your children.
And be mindful that what is best does not necessarily mean what you want.
Learn what you're up against. Be honest with yourself about what you can handle and what you can't. Believe what your eyes are telling you. And if necessary, do what needs to be done.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Nashville,TN
Posts: 5
There are lying and depression and I'd say character issues too your right. I been forgiving in past but now I am not and he doesn't like thst much. Of course. I've been with him since I was 17 and I'm sure I'm co pendant and scare to be alone. Silly sounding I know. I am a photographer and when his issues flare my business hits the back burner.. I felt I'm smart and too good for him and Wish I had
Has someone to help me through This like a good trusting Friend. My best friend died four years ago of drug abuse mix with bad timed asthma attack ans she was 27. You don't get those friends twice.
Anyone live near me in middle Tennessee
Has someone to help me through This like a good trusting Friend. My best friend died four years ago of drug abuse mix with bad timed asthma attack ans she was 27. You don't get those friends twice.
Anyone live near me in middle Tennessee
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Tammy...
The only reason why you're scared to be alone is because you don't know anything outside of being with him. So, yeah, on the surface, that's a scary thought. But when you get past being afraid, you soon come to realize that your life possibilities are endless.
You may not believe this now, but I hope you allow yourself the possibility of a different life.
The only reason why you're scared to be alone is because you don't know anything outside of being with him. So, yeah, on the surface, that's a scary thought. But when you get past being afraid, you soon come to realize that your life possibilities are endless.
You may not believe this now, but I hope you allow yourself the possibility of a different life.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
[QUOTEI don't tell friends anymore because been there done that and they throw it in your face and get mad when you don't follow their opinion exactly. ][/QUOTE]
That was a big mistake I made, pushing away my friends/family because they weren’t telling me what I wanted to hear or how to fix him or the situation.
All they kept telling me was to move out of the danger zone, grow, learn, accept!
After I was alone and dealing with such anxiety it paralyzed me…………….I discovered………they were all right and I really needed them, I needed their support.
That was a big mistake I made, pushing away my friends/family because they weren’t telling me what I wanted to hear or how to fix him or the situation.
All they kept telling me was to move out of the danger zone, grow, learn, accept!
After I was alone and dealing with such anxiety it paralyzed me…………….I discovered………they were all right and I really needed them, I needed their support.
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