And wtf do I do with this information?
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And wtf do I do with this information?
Please, when reading this, understand- my denial really ran this deep. I know I should have done more, and I know I should have seen it for what I knew deep down it was.
3 years ago my soon to be ex's friend's son slept over. STBX is like an uncle to him- he's known him all his life. They played video games well into the night and I went to bed. I got up a few hours later for some water and found STBX in his underwear- we're talking tighty whiteys- with the boy on his lap. The look on his face was one I know well- he was horny. And the look on the boy's face was even more disturbing- he looked like he felt so loved. I took STBX aside and asked what the heck was going on- he said the boy was practically his son- how could I think anything? I insisted he put some pants on and come to bed. But that was it. Yes, I should have done more. I should have called his parents right away. But I didn't want to believe it.
Over the years, I've pushed this thought out of my mind- he just couldn't possibly. It's not who he is! I even talked to a friend about it who agreed- not him, no never.
Then a few days ago, the boy's mom was over. We had a few drinks, had a few laughs, then she turns to me, stone-cold. STBX had told her I'd accused him of doing something that night. I apologized, said no, I had thought it was strange, but I didn't think anything had happened, and if I did I certainly wouldn't be with him anymore.
"But something did happen," she said. She went on to tell me that her son had told her everything. "What's everything?" I asked. "You know," she said. She said the boy told her that this has been going on for a while, that he used to pick him up from school and they'd go on little "detours". That the boy had begged her not to tell anyone- that this was his "uncle" and he loved him. The whole time she was crying hysterically, then went to bed, refusing to say more.
I called her all the next day, but she wouldn't answer. Then the day after she finally picked up. I said, "What are we going to do about this?" She said, "I have no idea what you're talking about." I told her about what we'd talk about that night. She says, "Oh, well I guess I should talk to my son." Then an hour later I get a text from her saying she's so sorry, that this is why she shouldn't drink, that the boy swears nothing happened.
But something did happen. And even if it's not what I think, a grown man sitting in his underwear with a 9 year old on his lap- that's enough!
So now I'm finally going through with the divorce. I need to get my boys away from him, but my lawyer has advised me to not even bring this up. She says if we accuse him and the boy and his mom deny it, it will just make me look bad.
After writing all this I think I've received an answer to my own question. I can't use the information in court, but I can use it to help me go through with this, and to know that I'm making the right decision. He is so incredibly sick. So damaged beyond repair. So dangerous to myself and my boys.
3 years ago my soon to be ex's friend's son slept over. STBX is like an uncle to him- he's known him all his life. They played video games well into the night and I went to bed. I got up a few hours later for some water and found STBX in his underwear- we're talking tighty whiteys- with the boy on his lap. The look on his face was one I know well- he was horny. And the look on the boy's face was even more disturbing- he looked like he felt so loved. I took STBX aside and asked what the heck was going on- he said the boy was practically his son- how could I think anything? I insisted he put some pants on and come to bed. But that was it. Yes, I should have done more. I should have called his parents right away. But I didn't want to believe it.
Over the years, I've pushed this thought out of my mind- he just couldn't possibly. It's not who he is! I even talked to a friend about it who agreed- not him, no never.
Then a few days ago, the boy's mom was over. We had a few drinks, had a few laughs, then she turns to me, stone-cold. STBX had told her I'd accused him of doing something that night. I apologized, said no, I had thought it was strange, but I didn't think anything had happened, and if I did I certainly wouldn't be with him anymore.
"But something did happen," she said. She went on to tell me that her son had told her everything. "What's everything?" I asked. "You know," she said. She said the boy told her that this has been going on for a while, that he used to pick him up from school and they'd go on little "detours". That the boy had begged her not to tell anyone- that this was his "uncle" and he loved him. The whole time she was crying hysterically, then went to bed, refusing to say more.
I called her all the next day, but she wouldn't answer. Then the day after she finally picked up. I said, "What are we going to do about this?" She said, "I have no idea what you're talking about." I told her about what we'd talk about that night. She says, "Oh, well I guess I should talk to my son." Then an hour later I get a text from her saying she's so sorry, that this is why she shouldn't drink, that the boy swears nothing happened.
But something did happen. And even if it's not what I think, a grown man sitting in his underwear with a 9 year old on his lap- that's enough!
So now I'm finally going through with the divorce. I need to get my boys away from him, but my lawyer has advised me to not even bring this up. She says if we accuse him and the boy and his mom deny it, it will just make me look bad.
After writing all this I think I've received an answer to my own question. I can't use the information in court, but I can use it to help me go through with this, and to know that I'm making the right decision. He is so incredibly sick. So damaged beyond repair. So dangerous to myself and my boys.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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Leave him and do whatever it takes to get there.
My cousin sexually assaulted my sister; he physically abused his younger siblings and the mother of his child. He was and is a sociopath, but if you met him you would think he was the most charming person ever. He reeled my sister in until she couldn't say no.
Even when I was a kid I did not trust him. But I couldn't put my finger on it. I just found him to be a cruel, conniving SOB. I even begged my parents to kick him and my aunt out of the house, but I was told that I wasn't being kind, I wasn't being generous. It was only years later that my dad confessed to me that he knew something was up. He had seen my cousin threaten to kill me once in front of his mom. I replied back that he was mean and I hated him. His mom didn't say anything. My dad was too shocked, but felt that he couldn't call my cousin out in front of my mom because she was our guest. He told me that he regretted that even 35 years later.
Your friend and her son: what they did was unfortunately normal. Because it's scary to start that conversation. When my cousin's sister blew the whistle, she told me that even to this day she wonders if she did the right thing even though she knows logically that it was the best thing she could have done for herself. My cousin was so bad that Child Protective Services placed his sister and her younger brother in foster care, but the family kept it hush hush and she felt like a pariah. At this moment, your friend wants to avoid the same trouble for her son. You can let her know at this stage that you will listen and take her seriously. Others can chime in with more advice.
You let your sons know that you are out to protect them, and you are going to protect them starting now. If you make it clear that you will continue to protect them and believe them no matter what, believe me that means a LOT.
When I accused the woman who cared for us as kids of physical abuse, my dad told me to forgive her. My sister told me I was a liar, and my mom told me right off the bat that she believed me and defended me to the hilt. It was ten years after our caretaker laid a hand on me, but knowing that my mom had my back even years later was a gift that I can never ever repay.
My cousin sexually assaulted my sister; he physically abused his younger siblings and the mother of his child. He was and is a sociopath, but if you met him you would think he was the most charming person ever. He reeled my sister in until she couldn't say no.
Even when I was a kid I did not trust him. But I couldn't put my finger on it. I just found him to be a cruel, conniving SOB. I even begged my parents to kick him and my aunt out of the house, but I was told that I wasn't being kind, I wasn't being generous. It was only years later that my dad confessed to me that he knew something was up. He had seen my cousin threaten to kill me once in front of his mom. I replied back that he was mean and I hated him. His mom didn't say anything. My dad was too shocked, but felt that he couldn't call my cousin out in front of my mom because she was our guest. He told me that he regretted that even 35 years later.
Your friend and her son: what they did was unfortunately normal. Because it's scary to start that conversation. When my cousin's sister blew the whistle, she told me that even to this day she wonders if she did the right thing even though she knows logically that it was the best thing she could have done for herself. My cousin was so bad that Child Protective Services placed his sister and her younger brother in foster care, but the family kept it hush hush and she felt like a pariah. At this moment, your friend wants to avoid the same trouble for her son. You can let her know at this stage that you will listen and take her seriously. Others can chime in with more advice.
You let your sons know that you are out to protect them, and you are going to protect them starting now. If you make it clear that you will continue to protect them and believe them no matter what, believe me that means a LOT.
When I accused the woman who cared for us as kids of physical abuse, my dad told me to forgive her. My sister told me I was a liar, and my mom told me right off the bat that she believed me and defended me to the hilt. It was ten years after our caretaker laid a hand on me, but knowing that my mom had my back even years later was a gift that I can never ever repay.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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you get yourself and your children AWAY from this man as quickly as possible and you get all of you (MINUS HIM) into family counseling immediately. he may or may not have abused your children, or they may have witnessed things no child should.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I thought about this quite a bit last night...it truly is a nightmare and the worst part is that the known victim isn't getting any support.
Your lawyer is looking out for you and that's her job...but who's looking out for the victim?
Is there some way to make an anonymous phone call to a hotline or to his school saying someone saw them in the car together or just something that would get him some help?
Your lawyer is looking out for you and that's her job...but who's looking out for the victim?
Is there some way to make an anonymous phone call to a hotline or to his school saying someone saw them in the car together or just something that would get him some help?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh man. This is terrible, and I cannot even imagine how you must feel. No one can tell you what to do next, but I support your decisions to get yourself and your children away from this man and to put up as many protections as you possibly can.
Many, many hugs.
Many, many hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I strongly echo family counseling for your children and yourself, like right away!!! Find a counselor and have a session alone with them on this whole matter to see how you should proceed with your children.
The counselor can also advise you on what your neighbor disclosed and how to advocate properly for that little 9 year old.
The counselor can also advise you on what your neighbor disclosed and how to advocate properly for that little 9 year old.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
I thought about this quite a bit last night...it truly is a nightmare and the worst part is that the known victim isn't getting any support.
Your lawyer is looking out for you and that's her job...but who's looking out for the victim?
Is there some way to make an anonymous phone call to a hotline or to his school saying someone saw them in the car together or just something that would get him some help?
Your lawyer is looking out for you and that's her job...but who's looking out for the victim?
Is there some way to make an anonymous phone call to a hotline or to his school saying someone saw them in the car together or just something that would get him some help?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I guess all I can think to do is try to get his mother to get him some help if you sense an opening...she may get there more easily once your divorce becomes public.
I'm so, so sorry...what a terrible thing to deal with.
I'm so, so sorry...what a terrible thing to deal with.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You know what you know. You do need to get yourself and your children away from this man, and as Anvil suggested, into counselling.
The "dirty little secret" destroys lives and does emotional damage that may never repair.
Get safe first, counseling next (your children may be afraid or embarrassed to talk to you about this) and perhaps let the mother of that child know that you are willing to be a witness if he ever wants to pursue this, and then let that part go.
Child abuse, sexual abuse both cause deeply rooted problems that need to be dealt with as soon as possible. Please get help.
Hugs
The "dirty little secret" destroys lives and does emotional damage that may never repair.
Get safe first, counseling next (your children may be afraid or embarrassed to talk to you about this) and perhaps let the mother of that child know that you are willing to be a witness if he ever wants to pursue this, and then let that part go.
Child abuse, sexual abuse both cause deeply rooted problems that need to be dealt with as soon as possible. Please get help.
Hugs
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
One thought that occurs to me: did your friend's son undergo an examination to look for signs of sexual abuse? There's a strong likelihood that there won't be evidence, but if there is, in our state physicians are required by law to report any signs.
Too many cases of sexual abuse are swept under the rug, but it's also good to know that cases like Dennis Hastert, even if its years later, are seeing the light of day.
Too many cases of sexual abuse are swept under the rug, but it's also good to know that cases like Dennis Hastert, even if its years later, are seeing the light of day.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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The boy is 11 now, was 9 when this happened, and it sounds like it's been going on since he was 5, at least. I'm sure they haven't had him examined, because it seems they're hell bent on denying it ever happened. I do know that he's always worn pull-ups to bed, even at 9 years old, which can be a sign of sexual abuse.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
My 43 year old husband is suicidal today because of the mental/physical and sexual abuse that was perpetrated on him as a child.
One of the offenders assaulted him one time and it still lives in his mind today. It eats him up. It takes always his self-worth. It makes him fear he can't do what he needs to do for his family. Some days it makes home want to take his own life.
This sort of thing isn't something children just forget. It lives on and on. It effects everyone that surrounds him. Everyday of his life.
Please report him so that this boy can get help and this predator cannot hurt any more children.
One of the offenders assaulted him one time and it still lives in his mind today. It eats him up. It takes always his self-worth. It makes him fear he can't do what he needs to do for his family. Some days it makes home want to take his own life.
This sort of thing isn't something children just forget. It lives on and on. It effects everyone that surrounds him. Everyday of his life.
Please report him so that this boy can get help and this predator cannot hurt any more children.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by PaperDolls
My 43 year old husband is suicidal today because of the mental/physical and sexual abuse that was perpetrated on him as a child.
One of the offenders assaulted him one time and it still lives in his mind today. It eats him up. It takes always his self-worth. It makes him fear he can't do what he needs to do for his family. Some days it makes home want to take his own life.
This sort of thing isn't something children just forget. It lives on and on. It effects everyone that surrounds him. Everyday of his life.
Please report him so that this boy can get help and this predator cannot hurt any more children.
One of the offenders assaulted him one time and it still lives in his mind today. It eats him up. It takes always his self-worth. It makes him fear he can't do what he needs to do for his family. Some days it makes home want to take his own life.
This sort of thing isn't something children just forget. It lives on and on. It effects everyone that surrounds him. Everyday of his life.
Please report him so that this boy can get help and this predator cannot hurt any more children.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
As somebody who was abused by somebody who was entrusted with my care, I can tell you it would have meant the world to me if an adult blew the whistle. My caretaker was very good at hiding things - she used needles to poke and prod me into submission. I always wondered why she used that as opposed to slapping the crap out of me, and then I realized that needle pokes rarely left marks.
And that's when I cut her out of my life.
But I remember my aunt passively watching my caretaker beat me with her slipper (fortunately it wasn't a shoe) when I didn't eat my sandwich. This was the same aunt who didn't say anything when her son threatened to kill me. I used to think that I was the bad one for thinking that this behavior was wrong - that I was too sensitive. I remember being a child and praying that an adult would take notice and save me. At the very least, to say that what I was going through wasn't acceptable and the anger I was feeling was a very normal reaction.
Maybe he won't get prosecuted. Maybe the mother and son will deny up and down to Sunday. Maybe the son will still be very much afraid of doing anything at all AT THAT MOMENT. But he will know that somebody took notice and did something about it. And sometimes that knowledge is enough to keep going.
But it is a very very tough thing to do. The fact that so many adults turned away from me and my sister when they did see evidence, that they didn't ask questions, is a testament on how tough it is to blow the whistle. I have forgiven them in my heart, but it is still very very hard.
You are in a very tough place because your own children are involved. Can you talk to somebody at Childhelp (https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/) and discuss some of your concerns? The calls are confidential. They can't make the report for you, but they can inform you of the process.
And that's when I cut her out of my life.
But I remember my aunt passively watching my caretaker beat me with her slipper (fortunately it wasn't a shoe) when I didn't eat my sandwich. This was the same aunt who didn't say anything when her son threatened to kill me. I used to think that I was the bad one for thinking that this behavior was wrong - that I was too sensitive. I remember being a child and praying that an adult would take notice and save me. At the very least, to say that what I was going through wasn't acceptable and the anger I was feeling was a very normal reaction.
Maybe he won't get prosecuted. Maybe the mother and son will deny up and down to Sunday. Maybe the son will still be very much afraid of doing anything at all AT THAT MOMENT. But he will know that somebody took notice and did something about it. And sometimes that knowledge is enough to keep going.
But it is a very very tough thing to do. The fact that so many adults turned away from me and my sister when they did see evidence, that they didn't ask questions, is a testament on how tough it is to blow the whistle. I have forgiven them in my heart, but it is still very very hard.
You are in a very tough place because your own children are involved. Can you talk to somebody at Childhelp (https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/) and discuss some of your concerns? The calls are confidential. They can't make the report for you, but they can inform you of the process.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
Can you talk to somebody at Childhelp (https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/) and discuss some of your concerns? The calls are confidential. They can't make the report for you, but they can inform you of the process.
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