Fed up. Scared and codependent.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 2
Fed up. Scared and codependent.
Hi everyone
I'm new here. My AB has been struggling on and off with a opiate addiction for 5 years, maybe more. We've been together for 3.
When we first started dating I was in college and we were long distant-easy to hide his secret.
Suddenly, I got earth shattering news that my mom had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and it wasn't looking good. I withdrew from school and went to go take care of my mom. A few weeks later AB dropped the bomb on me and told me he had a opiate problem and he was going to hike to try and solve his problems. Which, of course it didn't. I've almost broke up with him more times than I can count but he somehow always pulls me back in.
Fast forward to my moms death. I get a job in the city he lives in and I move in a little less than a week after my mom passed. I felt like I didn't get the time to grieve her and then two days into me living where AB lives he gets arrested, caught up in a sting with his dealer. I had enough I was going to pack everything I had and go back home defeated.
He won me over yet again. Now we have a house together and although he isn't full blown using, he still is using. I'll come home from a long day and find him nodding out but saying he's not high. He disappears for a couple of hours and comes home and says "I'm fine." When I bring up him using he says that he's doing a lot better and I don't need to worry. But he isn't doing better.
I want to break up with him. I've had enough lying and sneaking around. I want to grieve my mom and heal myself but I'm so scared to break up with him. I don't want him to hurt himself, he's often talked of death to me, and I know it's classic minupliation but it scares me. I know this story has been told many many times but I just need some advice. I know it won't be easy and I need to be strong but I'm terrified. I've read all the stickys and they've been a lot of help but I just felt like I needed to get my story out there.
I'm new here. My AB has been struggling on and off with a opiate addiction for 5 years, maybe more. We've been together for 3.
When we first started dating I was in college and we were long distant-easy to hide his secret.
Suddenly, I got earth shattering news that my mom had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and it wasn't looking good. I withdrew from school and went to go take care of my mom. A few weeks later AB dropped the bomb on me and told me he had a opiate problem and he was going to hike to try and solve his problems. Which, of course it didn't. I've almost broke up with him more times than I can count but he somehow always pulls me back in.
Fast forward to my moms death. I get a job in the city he lives in and I move in a little less than a week after my mom passed. I felt like I didn't get the time to grieve her and then two days into me living where AB lives he gets arrested, caught up in a sting with his dealer. I had enough I was going to pack everything I had and go back home defeated.
He won me over yet again. Now we have a house together and although he isn't full blown using, he still is using. I'll come home from a long day and find him nodding out but saying he's not high. He disappears for a couple of hours and comes home and says "I'm fine." When I bring up him using he says that he's doing a lot better and I don't need to worry. But he isn't doing better.
I want to break up with him. I've had enough lying and sneaking around. I want to grieve my mom and heal myself but I'm so scared to break up with him. I don't want him to hurt himself, he's often talked of death to me, and I know it's classic minupliation but it scares me. I know this story has been told many many times but I just need some advice. I know it won't be easy and I need to be strong but I'm terrified. I've read all the stickys and they've been a lot of help but I just felt like I needed to get my story out there.
I am so very sorry about your mom. YES you do need to grieve the loss of her but living with and worrying about an active addict is going to prevent you from doing it thoroughly.
And since fear is what keeps you glued to him and his addiction, working with a counseling on your codependency is key here for you to free yourself of this hold he seems to have over you.
He doesn’t pull you back in, you do so freely because??????
You want to break up with him but you don’t because??????
You know he’s lying to you and he’s manipulating you yet you stay because??????
???????? = figuring out the answers to all of the why’s.
We can all tell you to pack up and run but if you don’t work on those ???’s you’ll be right back there again.
Try and look into some counseling that would be a good step in the right direction.
And since fear is what keeps you glued to him and his addiction, working with a counseling on your codependency is key here for you to free yourself of this hold he seems to have over you.
He doesn’t pull you back in, you do so freely because??????
You want to break up with him but you don’t because??????
You know he’s lying to you and he’s manipulating you yet you stay because??????
???????? = figuring out the answers to all of the why’s.
We can all tell you to pack up and run but if you don’t work on those ???’s you’ll be right back there again.
Try and look into some counseling that would be a good step in the right direction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 2
He doesn’t pull you back in, you do so freely because??????
You want to break up with him but you don’t because??????
You know he’s lying to you and he’s manipulating you yet you stay because??????
???????? = figuring out the answers to all of the why’s.
We can all tell you to pack up and run but if you don’t work on those ???’s you’ll be right back there again.
Try and look into some counseling that would be a good step in the right direction.
I want to break up with him but I haven't yet because I'm scared that he'll hurt himself if I break up with him or get worse and at the end of the day I truly love the man that he is when he isn't high or trying to use.
I know I'm codependent on his issues so I don't have to face the underlining issues of my moms death and picking up the pieces on my own. He's my first long term relationship and I'm having a hard time giving up on him. I'm going to my first naanon meeting tomorrow night to try and get some insight. Thanks for the advice.
I truly love the man that he is when he isn't high or trying to use.
I go back to him because I have hope that he'll change.
He's been an addict the whole time you've been together and he's always going to be an addict even he find recovery, addiction is life long.
You don't even know who he is clean, you might not even like that person.
I go back to him because I have hope that he'll change.
He's been an addict the whole time you've been together and he's always going to be an addict even he find recovery, addiction is life long.
You don't even know who he is clean, you might not even like that person.
Wings, my mom died of pancreatic cancer also. It was swift and relentless and devastating. You need to allow yourself time to grieve and you need to get away from a person who does not appreciate that. In a normal relationship, your significant other would be doing everything he could to comfort you and help you through this time. you deserve no less. Do it just for you, and do not give him a second thought. We all have such little time on this planet and you don't need to be burdened with his problems.
We can all sympathize. I'm sure his intentions are good, usually an addicts intention are good and not wanting to hurt you and use forever. But reality is, he can't help himself, neither can you help him. You can't be giving up yourself and energy, it just leads to further resentment. I understand how hard it is to give up on someone you love. They say that an addict has to hit rock bottom before they make steps for a real change. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom with our spouse before we give up on them and move on.
You staying with him hasn't been enough to get him to quit.
Are you going to spend your life rescuing and babysitting him?
It really sounds like you need to take care of you.
A partner should be a comfort and support for you in your grief,
not a draining liablity.
If he doesn't ever choose to stop, when will you leave, if ever?
He has a choice to use or not use as an intelligent adult.
You have a choice to live with an addict or not--please take care of you
because he sure isn't.
Are you going to spend your life rescuing and babysitting him?
It really sounds like you need to take care of you.
A partner should be a comfort and support for you in your grief,
not a draining liablity.
If he doesn't ever choose to stop, when will you leave, if ever?
He has a choice to use or not use as an intelligent adult.
You have a choice to live with an addict or not--please take care of you
because he sure isn't.
You do have wings.
Have you read "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed? She lost her mother and the book deals with her working through her grief and an addiction. I think it might help you think about how you want to honor your grief process and also let go of what is not helping you grow.
Peace. I'm so sorry for your mom's loss.
Have you read "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed? She lost her mother and the book deals with her working through her grief and an addiction. I think it might help you think about how you want to honor your grief process and also let go of what is not helping you grow.
Peace. I'm so sorry for your mom's loss.
Hi wings, you sound like you're well into the process of leaving him. It's like having an employee who's not terrible, and you keep making excuses for them, then you finally sack them and the replacement is so much better you wished you'd got rid of them years ago.
Sorry for the rambling analogy, but he's your first BF and it's natural to feel close to him, but he's not changing any time soon, and you have your future to look out for. Do not waste the best years of your life on a dead end.
The threats of self-harm or suicide are probably pure manipulation, but that's not your business. He must work out how he wants to live; you know already that your future does not include an addict. If he does come out with a direct threat, don't argue, call 911. You aren't qualified to deal with it.
Move back home, reconnect with your family and mourn your mother properly. Most importantly, once you break off with him, block all forms of contact so he can't manipulate you back to him.
Sorry for the rambling analogy, but he's your first BF and it's natural to feel close to him, but he's not changing any time soon, and you have your future to look out for. Do not waste the best years of your life on a dead end.
The threats of self-harm or suicide are probably pure manipulation, but that's not your business. He must work out how he wants to live; you know already that your future does not include an addict. If he does come out with a direct threat, don't argue, call 911. You aren't qualified to deal with it.
Move back home, reconnect with your family and mourn your mother properly. Most importantly, once you break off with him, block all forms of contact so he can't manipulate you back to him.
I also feel that you are well into leaving him.
FeelingGreat's post reminded me again of the very first time that I felt that my exABF was a danger to himself. I called 911. He had become such a manipulator and liar that he convinced the police and firemen that he was not an addict and that I was crazy. He was so shocked that I called while he was sitting in his car ... completely nodded out.
He never did that again.
I wish you peace with realizing that this is lifelong and very few make it into recovery. If he's nodding, he's using and he would need to use every day plus more than once a day. We cannot save someone from themselves but we can get out of their way and let them be responsible for their own lives. It usually means that we must leave them behind with no contact. It does hurt but losing our health, finances and sanity - will push us to find the path to peace and happiness. Best wishes to you during this time.
Hugs
Joie
FeelingGreat's post reminded me again of the very first time that I felt that my exABF was a danger to himself. I called 911. He had become such a manipulator and liar that he convinced the police and firemen that he was not an addict and that I was crazy. He was so shocked that I called while he was sitting in his car ... completely nodded out.
He never did that again.
I wish you peace with realizing that this is lifelong and very few make it into recovery. If he's nodding, he's using and he would need to use every day plus more than once a day. We cannot save someone from themselves but we can get out of their way and let them be responsible for their own lives. It usually means that we must leave them behind with no contact. It does hurt but losing our health, finances and sanity - will push us to find the path to peace and happiness. Best wishes to you during this time.
Hugs
Joie
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)