Back after 21 mos. very confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Back after 21 mos. very confused
Hello All,
I've not been on this site in a while as I believe my husband has been in recovery for a while. I guess I should post when things are going good as well to create balance but I'm afraid to jinx it.
My husband is a crack addict. He's 42 years old and never had a steady job, no children of his own and only had relationships with women who were also substance abusers. I am the first "normal" relationship he has ever had. Not patting my own back but I'm extremely green when it comes to drug use/abuse, never tried anything harder than weed and only did that once. I try to be the best mom I can be, have college degree, workout everyday, eat right, have a really good steady job so what's wrong with me that I continue to date men with issues! My ex husband was addicted to steroids, I divorced him because it got really scary. I had no idea that my next relationship would be even worse....
A crack addict??? I firmly believe he was clean when I met him. It was only 2 years later that I found a crack pipe and he insisted that he found it in an old van and meant to destroy it. Long story short, I've battled this demon for a while, battled him, his mother who refuses to believe he has a problem (even after he hocked her tv) finally things came to a head in 2014 and I had him arrested and served a protective order, he went to rehab and cut all ties with his drug "buddy" and only friend.
Recently his personality has returned to the Jeckyl and Hyde personality that I feared when he was using (I didn't know he was using, just that something was terribly wrong) he is fine one minute and then in a rage the next minute. He had started staying up all night again and sleeping most of the day. He doesn't work but is supposed to be working small construction jobs. He's buying weed, he's even buying beer which he's not a drinker so that always makes me wonder. Hes drinking NyQuil and sleeping pills to try to go to sleep. I always feel the need to validate this circumstantial evidence with something more. I looked through his vehicle, which is only 8 months old, and I found as warped straw, looked as though it had been melted a bit, tiny pieces of broken glass in the seat creases (apparently they can smash the pipe in some toilet paper and discard it) I found this often before and wondered what it was for the longest time. I find a bit of white chunky
Powder in the seat crease, tasted like soap...??? Not enough to numb ones toungue. Does crack or coke taste like soap? No way he would ever have detergent in his car...
He pawned a camera recently, gave me some story about needing his truck inspected. He had agreed when he came back from rehab that he wouldn't go back to that pawn shop ever because dealers hang out there waiting for the addicts to pawn their mothers televisions... He reneged on that agreement totally. The kids say he's been acting "chaotic" the last 2 weeks.
He's been sending me "you're a ***** and I know youre cheating" messages on and off while I'm at work, in the only one paying the bills and I've never done anything to deserve that treatment. He decided 2 days ago that he doesn't want to help me with anything around the house anymore and announced it at 7:45 am, but doesn't pay bills. Then decided to pack his things and leave because I didn't ask him to come to the movies with me and the kids when he made it clear that he wants nothing to do with any of us. The kids are scared of his mood swings and I'm not sure what to make of it. He said he's putting his life on hold for us..? What does that mean?
Is he using again or just mentally ill.
I've not been on this site in a while as I believe my husband has been in recovery for a while. I guess I should post when things are going good as well to create balance but I'm afraid to jinx it.
My husband is a crack addict. He's 42 years old and never had a steady job, no children of his own and only had relationships with women who were also substance abusers. I am the first "normal" relationship he has ever had. Not patting my own back but I'm extremely green when it comes to drug use/abuse, never tried anything harder than weed and only did that once. I try to be the best mom I can be, have college degree, workout everyday, eat right, have a really good steady job so what's wrong with me that I continue to date men with issues! My ex husband was addicted to steroids, I divorced him because it got really scary. I had no idea that my next relationship would be even worse....
A crack addict??? I firmly believe he was clean when I met him. It was only 2 years later that I found a crack pipe and he insisted that he found it in an old van and meant to destroy it. Long story short, I've battled this demon for a while, battled him, his mother who refuses to believe he has a problem (even after he hocked her tv) finally things came to a head in 2014 and I had him arrested and served a protective order, he went to rehab and cut all ties with his drug "buddy" and only friend.
Recently his personality has returned to the Jeckyl and Hyde personality that I feared when he was using (I didn't know he was using, just that something was terribly wrong) he is fine one minute and then in a rage the next minute. He had started staying up all night again and sleeping most of the day. He doesn't work but is supposed to be working small construction jobs. He's buying weed, he's even buying beer which he's not a drinker so that always makes me wonder. Hes drinking NyQuil and sleeping pills to try to go to sleep. I always feel the need to validate this circumstantial evidence with something more. I looked through his vehicle, which is only 8 months old, and I found as warped straw, looked as though it had been melted a bit, tiny pieces of broken glass in the seat creases (apparently they can smash the pipe in some toilet paper and discard it) I found this often before and wondered what it was for the longest time. I find a bit of white chunky
Powder in the seat crease, tasted like soap...??? Not enough to numb ones toungue. Does crack or coke taste like soap? No way he would ever have detergent in his car...
He pawned a camera recently, gave me some story about needing his truck inspected. He had agreed when he came back from rehab that he wouldn't go back to that pawn shop ever because dealers hang out there waiting for the addicts to pawn their mothers televisions... He reneged on that agreement totally. The kids say he's been acting "chaotic" the last 2 weeks.
He's been sending me "you're a ***** and I know youre cheating" messages on and off while I'm at work, in the only one paying the bills and I've never done anything to deserve that treatment. He decided 2 days ago that he doesn't want to help me with anything around the house anymore and announced it at 7:45 am, but doesn't pay bills. Then decided to pack his things and leave because I didn't ask him to come to the movies with me and the kids when he made it clear that he wants nothing to do with any of us. The kids are scared of his mood swings and I'm not sure what to make of it. He said he's putting his life on hold for us..? What does that mean?
Is he using again or just mentally ill.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Fitch, I'm sorry but do you need anyone to tell you he's using again, when you know it already? Just summarise your situation from the outside:
- He's mentally unstable and frightening your children.
- He's abusive to you in the paranoid mind-fried way that addicts become when actively using. Mental illness? Sure, but brought on by drug use.
- He's getting a free ride from you for all the bills, and at the same time not contributing to running the house.
Be very careful please about him running up debt which might become your responsibility, or stealing something that's valuable from you.
You don't want your children stuck in this fearful atmosphere because you like the bad boys do you? I'm sure if you think about it you don't have much choice but to keep them safe, away from this leach.
- He's mentally unstable and frightening your children.
- He's abusive to you in the paranoid mind-fried way that addicts become when actively using. Mental illness? Sure, but brought on by drug use.
- He's getting a free ride from you for all the bills, and at the same time not contributing to running the house.
Be very careful please about him running up debt which might become your responsibility, or stealing something that's valuable from you.
You don't want your children stuck in this fearful atmosphere because you like the bad boys do you? I'm sure if you think about it you don't have much choice but to keep them safe, away from this leach.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Thank you. You're right, my children deserve better. He has this way of making me feel crazy and I feel the need to reach out and hear from someone else that I'm not. The fist time he was using (and I didn't know any of the signs) he made me think it was all in my head. Looking back, I literally felt as sick as he was. I can't go through that ever again. He left on his own accord lastnight, but kept sending messages like "I hope you can do it all on your own" and I hope your mom can step up" and letting me know he can find happiness elsewhere. Trying to invoke anxiety and fear in me so I just shut him down.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Change the locks and if he threatens you,
which he might, call the cops and get a RO.
I expect he'll turn up sooner than later when he
realizes it take money to live and that means working.
He's forgotten that apparently.
You are right to focus on the kids and their emotional
and physical safety (and your own, of course, too)
Crack addicts can be violent in sudden and unexpected ways.
I suggest calling a DV center and discussing steps you need
to take to stay safe, and to disentangle yourself legally from this person.
Hugs Fitchicky--you are hurting, but he did this to himself.
Be strong for your kids and don't let him back in.
which he might, call the cops and get a RO.
I expect he'll turn up sooner than later when he
realizes it take money to live and that means working.
He's forgotten that apparently.
You are right to focus on the kids and their emotional
and physical safety (and your own, of course, too)
Crack addicts can be violent in sudden and unexpected ways.
I suggest calling a DV center and discussing steps you need
to take to stay safe, and to disentangle yourself legally from this person.
Hugs Fitchicky--you are hurting, but he did this to himself.
Be strong for your kids and don't let him back in.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
It's actually great that he left and you don't have to try to dislodge him from your home. Hawkeye's advice is really good and please take it...know what your rights and resources are before he comes sniffing back around.
You don't need this chaos and that's all it will be until he leaves, dies, or finds a new enabler.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
You don't need this chaos and that's all it will be until he leaves, dies, or finds a new enabler.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Thank you Hawkeyes and riseagain,
He will certainly try to guilt his way back in or try to come back pretending like nothing is going on and it's just me being crazy and not giving him credit for being clean. He's done that before, made me feel like he hadn't been using and my accusations could cause him to use, such a cruel head game. I'm just trying to keep as much distance as possible and relying on my family to help.
He will certainly try to guilt his way back in or try to come back pretending like nothing is going on and it's just me being crazy and not giving him credit for being clean. He's done that before, made me feel like he hadn't been using and my accusations could cause him to use, such a cruel head game. I'm just trying to keep as much distance as possible and relying on my family to help.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Fitchicky 
Thank you. You're right, my children deserve better. He has this way of making me feel crazy and I feel the need to reach out and hear from someone else that I'm not.
I like that thing about hoping you'll cope on your own. Without an anchor round your neck, sucking you dry? I have a feeling it will be easier for both of you.
Just remember to make sure you're not responsible for any debts he runs up. This might require legal advice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Thank you, feeling great. Great words of encouragement. Before when he was using, I had no idea about the methods, manipulation and mind games addicts have acquired. He methodically, broke down my self esteem and then made me feel insane. So when I discovered the depth of his addiction I finally felt validated and sane again. So when I started to feel like he was trying to break me down again, I wondered if I was reverting back (as I truly believe I have PTSD from all of the torment he inflicted on me) or he was reverting back or both... So hard. But the only thing I don't have this time is the need to "save him" I'm not trying to fix what he has broken, keep him away from people or places or chase him around town trying to figure out if he's alive or dead... I'm just living hour to hour but I'm anxious that he will try to come back. Or take things that don't belong to him. my landlord is his moms best friend and they all ganged up on me last time I found coke in one of his pockets, confronted him which lead to him assaulting me and taking a bunch of things from the house (computers, cameras tools, anything to hock) and that's when I had him arrested, filed an RO and he went to rehab...so staying at this house long term may not be an option for me. Just biding my time and trying to keep the kids happy and occupied.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The kids are scared of his mood swings and I'm not sure what to make of it.
does it matter WHAT his issue is??? your children are terrified. that should be enough.
be done with this guy. 1000% DONE. don't waste one more minute trying to figure out the "meaning" of it all. it was a bad time and now it's OVER. take care of you and your kids.
does it matter WHAT his issue is??? your children are terrified. that should be enough.
be done with this guy. 1000% DONE. don't waste one more minute trying to figure out the "meaning" of it all. it was a bad time and now it's OVER. take care of you and your kids.
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