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-   -   Why try to be nice? (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/387533-why-try-nice.html)

Troubledsister 03-26-2016 08:04 PM

Why try to be nice?
 
So my AB finally replied yes to coming to my son's special event. We haven't been on speaking terms since he blamed me for what happened over Xmas and then refused to communicate by any means other than texting. He finally rsvpd (late) and so tonight in a moment of weakness I replied that I got his card, and was glad they were coming. His reply? I'm doing it for your son. Basically a slap in the face. Again. Why did I expect a normal response?! So, two things. Do I tell my parents (who are Codie's in denial) or try to let it roll off my back? I'm not sure I want them at my house - don't need the added stress. Although I invited them to service and reception so would only like to see them there. Sad for the kids. And me. It's my only sibling. And my parents are so hard to talk to.
Thoughts anyone??

FeelingGreat 03-26-2016 08:11 PM

Are you sure they're coming to your house? They might stay away of their own accord. As a tentative dip your toe in the water contact this is probably ideal.

Your best bet is to concentrate on your son and the other guests. Be polite, but it you put yourself out too much you'll probably be rebuffed and feel more insulted.

Troubledsister 03-26-2016 08:16 PM

No I'm not sure they are coming to my house. The problem is my parents meddle too much. They put themselves in the middle since they just have 2 kids and they want us to get along. So I'm debating asking them (parents) to Not mention to AB about coming to my house.

PuzzledHeart 03-26-2016 09:21 PM

Oh I don't know Troubledsister, if I would bother asking your parents. If you ask them not to mention to AB about coming to your house, you make it into an issue. And if it becomes an issue, your AB, if he finds out about it, may be so pissed off that he may just stop by anyway just get your goat. Which would completely defeat the purpose of your request. I'm convinced that my cousin, who is a pot-smoking psychopath, showed up to my aunt's funeral completely stoned and disheveled because he found out that nobody wanted him to show up in the first place.

My sister and I aren't on the best of terms either. The last time we saw each other a couple weeks ago I tried a new tactic which seemed to work very well. I put myself in the role of a journalist and just listened and observed to what she said. I didn't really say that much at all. Making the conscious decision to turn myself into a neutral third party made things so much better. And the vibe between my sister and I was a lot less confrontational than it was in the past. We'll see if this holds.

I really don't expect much out of my sister now. When she's nasty, it still hurts, but I can't say that I'm surprised. I now know that when she's nice, it's usually because she wants me to get close enough again so she can strike within range. It will take a long time, YEARS, for her to prove to me that I can trust her again. A nice word or two just isn't going to cut it anymore.

My parents used to be like your parents. And then my mother got cancer and my sister left my father to his own devices. She kept on blapping on about juice, marijuana, and The Secret as the ultimate cure, and was so judgmental and miserable about my mom's course of treatment that when my mom actually got better neither I nor my parents ever bothered to tell her. The kicker: when she did find out, she kept on saying, "You see, I was right!" Her behavior completely broke my parents' fantasy that she was still functional.

Troubledsister 03-27-2016 06:01 AM

You're probably right. My parents would likely just make an issue of it. We have other stresses tho - son is Aspie, FIL has terminal cancer, MIL recovering fr surgery. So don't need anymore. But my son wants his cousins there, so hope all behave. Sigh.

story74 03-27-2016 02:40 PM

There is no winning with an addict. My addict was a no call no show 3 weeks in a row and then gets in touch with me to see his son and says I'm holding him back from his son. There is no win. Save your energy.

I have set boundaries. You count too. I have decided not to do holidays with his family anymore. Too emotional. I had to make me healthy too.

Yes, be nice. But let go. That's the hard part. Anger leads to unhappinesses. Kindness leads to happiness. You can be kind to him, but you don't have to take his crap. You will never get what you need from him because he is an addict. If I ever have to deal with my addict, it is via email and text. I keep it very professional and positive, but to the point and one to 2 sentences. No emotion. Sometimes I dream of telling him off. Usually he reacts to anything I say like a jerk. In fact no matter how I word it, I get anger back. And I ignore. I don't engage. So, work on letting go and surround yourself with happy. You don't need to put yourself in an awkward and uncomfortable position anymore. It is done.

PuzzledHeart 03-27-2016 03:11 PM


But my son wants his cousins there, so hope all behave.
Same here. The only reason why I have any relationship to my sister at this point is because of her daughters. They are the priority, and if we all have to deal with my sister's crap so we can show them how much we love them, well, we'll have to deal with my sister's crap. It's a price I'll happily pay.

I don't know about you, but I did spend too much time and energy getting angry whenever my sister was at her charming best, because people would question my judgment. I found that it was best if I never said an ill word about her in public - it just made me angry and bitter, and life's too short for that. And in my case, after many years, people realized what I had been dealing with.

In regards to your parents, people are going to perceive what they want to perceive. I've learned the hard way that sometimes, especially when you ARE close to somebody, that you cannot be the messenger of truth and that role must be taken by someone else. And sometimes, even the truth isn't enough for them to open their eyes. My cousin physically assaulted his younger siblings and sent them to foster care, AND he sent the mother of his child to the hospital and his parents still stuck their collective heads in the sand for many, many years.

You have so much on your plate. I hope the day goes well.

Troubledsister 03-30-2016 05:24 AM

Thanks for all the words of wisdom. I'm going to yoga today to try to lift my mood. Then taking my mom to lunch. Will try to avoid this topic but if she brings it up I'll just stare the facts and let that be it.

glitterdeva 03-30-2016 10:21 AM

Can I went a little?
 
sorry, wrong post

Troubledsister 04-02-2016 02:14 PM

The thing I'm struggling with is my family dynamic. I mean the house I grew up in. Dad was a bully to us while we were growing up and now brother bullies, etc.. Dad wasn't addict but was volatile and not nurturing enough. Anyways I'm thinking of my ABs response (he said Im only coming to your event for your son.) If I had responded to him that way for HIS son's special day he would have revoked my invitation!! And that's putting it politely - something he (and most As) is not!! So I'm struggling with that and my parents (esp mom) just wanting me to accept that and be treated poorly. It's causing a bit of stress the week before the big day. Trying hard to stay positive and excited for my kind family members and friends attending.

Thanks for the vent.

zoso77 04-02-2016 02:51 PM

Troubledsister, what's best for you?

Ann 04-02-2016 03:19 PM

We codies tend to "awfulize" and worry about the worst. You extended an invitation and he accepted.

Maybe just let it go, walk with grace on your son's special day and let other people think/say/do whatever they want.

No fretting, this is a time of happiness for you. Wrap yourself in that and enjoy the day.

Hugs

Troubledsister 04-02-2016 03:35 PM

Thank you! Great words of wisdom!

AnvilheadII 04-02-2016 05:59 PM

i agree....this EVENT is about.........your SON.

said gently, but not YOU, not your family, not the awful history, but your son's accomplishments IN SPITE of all that. that is what you focus on, THAT is what you celebrate.

the rest is just radio static.

PuzzledHeart 04-02-2016 06:39 PM

Troubledsister, believe me I know how hard it is to be the better person. My last vent sure demonstrates that! Thank God for SR, or else I would have lost my perimenopausal mind ages ago.

My sister repeatedly bullied me in childhood, and pulled the cruelest pranks for an awful time. She actually apologized to me once last year, and then she continued on her delusional path.

There's one prank in particular that really makes me sad, however. For a month or two, she told me that she was having sex with multiple partners when she was in seventh grade. Then she told me she was pregnant and begged me not to tell my parents. I was two years older but I was so stressed out about what to do and what to say. I didn't know how to take care of it. I didn't know how to fix it. And just when I was ready to spill the beans, she rounded up her classmates and they all taunted me: she was only joking and I was stupid enough to believe her.

Here's the catch though. This was around the time that my cousin started to sexually assault her. I think she was being cruel to me because she was lonely, lost and confused and she didn't know what to do. She was so desperate to unload that misery and I was her closest target.

Just knowing that helps me put her behavior in context. It helps me to know that when she takes me down, it's not ME she's trying to take down. It's the emptiness and misery inside her. It's the jealousy that she feels towards me and her former friends.

Your brother is obviously unhappy. And he's lashing out at anyone within range and you're suspecting that he's lacerating your character to shreds. Is it right? No. Is it fair? No. But if he's anything like my sister, it's not really YOU he's taking down. He is battling his demons and blindly flailing away. You just happen to be close by. You can't take it personally, as hard as that is to do. And when he rounds up his troops to support him, keep in mind that he's deceiving them too, and they are his victims as well.

I tell myself repeatedly that I have a choice: I can handle this with grace or I can handle this like a schmuck. Saying that to myself keeps me in line when I really want to fly off the handle. Which can be often.

I wish your family: Mazel Tov!

Troubledsister 04-17-2016 03:01 AM

My son did enjoy his day and that's huge. However the fallout is my husband is still reeling over the fact that AB showed up literally one second before service was to start and then walked in wo even a glance or hello towards us. I said hi? just to break the hurtful silence (only clergy us and son were in hall about to walk in procession into sanctuary). My husband feels like AB ruined the ceremony for him. I know this is addict behavior but we are struggling as a couple now for feeling bullied into inviting him a second time when he first claimed not to receive his invitation in the mail (clearly a lie.) Although ABs behavior shocked me I was able to enjoy my sons day, due in large part to knowledge I have gained here.

At the party following the service AB continued ignoring my hubbie to point of walking away if hubbie came near. I forced a couple awkward moments of hellos where there was no eye contact.

I'm positive my AB spun the whole thing to my parents who are treating me/us progressively worse and Im feeling hopeless about whether or not to address things, knowing they likely won't change.

We are at point of detaching w love from ALL of them which is painful for me. But I need to keep my family together. We have other stresses (illnesses of aging in laws my mom etc as well as son w Aspergers)

Thanks for listening.

PuzzledHeart 04-17-2016 05:36 PM

Troubledsister, your parents are going to believe whatever they're going to believe. People just do that. You see that in the political arena, why should the personal be any different?

I'm still reeling over the fact that just a couple months after my sister pretty much abandoned my dad and mom to their own devices because she couldn't cope with my mom's illness, my dad told her she could move back into the house (In a couple months, she won't have a place to stay.)


My husband feels like AB ruined the ceremony for him. I know this is addict behavior but we are struggling as a couple now for feeling bullied into inviting him a second time when he first claimed not to receive his invitation in the mail (clearly a lie.)
Your husband can take comfort in the fact that your AB's behavior has justified his decision to no longer engage with him. I'm sure you weren't the only ones who noticed how much an A%# your brother was. It sounds like your husband and you are now at your breaking point, and now you can back each other up as a team when your AB goes crazy. The past is the past and you can't fix it, but it can create a strong resolution for the present and future.

There is a way to continue a relationship with your parents even if they maintain a relationship with AB, but it's very tricky. My aunt and uncle continue to live with their sociopathic son. My aunt locks her door at night when she goes to sleep because she's afraid he's going to kill her. He's also been arrested for trying to grow weed in their backyard. However, the rest of their children made it VERY clear that they were no longer going to associate with him. They understood why his parents wanted to continue to support him, but they were not going to back that decision. He was banned from their weddings, family trips, and funerals (although he crashed one, and he was **** pot drunk when he did it). Nobody walks into that house anymore - and he doesn't make it easy because according to my parents he's pitched a tent in the middle of their living room.

Nothing's ever easy, isn't it? I wish I could give you solid answers, but all I can offer is this.

hopeful4 04-19-2016 09:03 AM

You said...I know this is addict behavior but.........

There is no but. This is all you can expect, ever. If you don't want him to show his addict behavior, you simply cannot engage with him or invite him to events. Your son enjoyed his day, that is the most important thing, and all you can do now is reflect and when you have an event in the future, don't invite him.

Hugs to you.

Troubledsister 04-19-2016 02:53 PM

Thank you once again for your words of wisdom!!


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