britgirl

My recovering axbf and father of my 5 year old daughter left me when he was in a 5 month residential rehab. I fought tooth and nail to help him and our family and despite an extremely rocky past truly believed that we had a future in no small part because he kept telling me so and begging me to see this through with him.

Half way through his rehab he told me there was no future for us that he needed a new start and he and his recovery had to come first. He only told me this after his Mum dropped into conversation that he wasn't coming home and was planning on moving to a new area when he left treatment.

The kids and I were devastated as he had made them the same promises he made me. 7 months on they still get upset most days and ask why he didn't come home, our daughter thinks everyone in her life is going to leave her and wakes me up crying most nights about it.

3 weeks out of rehab (Dec 2015) he got into a relationship with another woman, the sister of someone he was in rehab with who he met when she was visiting and they got in contact as soon as he was out. She's 24, slim and beautiful, has a great job and is everything I'm not.

I'm ill with lupus and lately my flare ups have been pretty bad, I'm 39, have put on 60 pounds in the last couple of years from comfort eating , medication and reduced mobility. I lost the job I loved due to health problems and am not consistently well enough to work right now. In short I feel like a complete loser with no future ahead of me.

He put us through hell yet comes out the other side clean with a new life and happiness that I can only imagine now. He cut us dead and the only contact we have is the odd text about contact for our daughter. His mum does all the fetching and carrying so I haven't seen him for 8 months now. He's been with his new girlfriend 4 months and they're moving in together once he gets his driving license back in a couple of months. My confidence and self esteem are none existent and I've sunk into a deep depression. I can't see a way out and have started questioning if the girls would be better off without me. I punish myself constantly for allowing him back into our lives and causing pain only to walk right out again.

I'm so resentful and it's eating me up, I just don't understand after all the pain he caused us how he gets to walk away unscathed and start again like we never existed. I can't go out a lot so it's unlikely that i'll ever meet anybody, even when I am well enough I have the kids with me so dating isn't realistic. I'm so lost. Thank you for letting me talk, I really appreciate it.

Ann

You are in a difficult situation and your heart has been broken, so please know that it's normal to be upset. Your girls need you now more than ever, I believe that you are a wonderful mom who has just lost her self esteem somewhere along the way.

It might be good to get some counseling, or get checked for depression. In your situation most people would be very upset, but seeing may help you feel better about yourself.

I have no easy answers, except that you are worth the effort it will take to put your life back together. You are worth it, your girls are worth it, and life won't always be this painful, I promise.

Do you have family near you who can help you when times get tough?

Support can mean everything when we find it hard to stand on our own.

Hugs

teatreeoil007

Oh sweetheart, this is a bad, bad deal! I can understand how devastated you must be, honey! It isn't fair and it isn't right. It may seem like he got through unscathed, but that is RARELY the case. He has to live with himself and his choices-so sad, so very sad. You can get help for your depression and get your life and your health back. You can do it. Don't let him ruin YOUR life.

glitterdeva

I made a realization today, as I was walking my dogs - my soon to be ex cheating is TRULY a gift to me. Yes, it is upsetting and horrible, etc, BUT I would not be able to leave if he didn't cheat. I tried many times and he found his way back every single time. I felt "bad" and hoped and waited for him to turn around, as he kept destroying my and my children's lives. I don't have to care for him when his liver gives in (he has Hep C) from heroin. I don't have to be at his funeral (overdose is a reality in his situation), I don't have to worry constantly and sit at work in anxiety. I don't have to chain smoke and cry, waiting for him to come home. I don't have to spy on him, suspect and question my own sanity. I don't have to abandon my children, as I could not care for him and my kids at the same time. I have a chance in life. I just turned 40. It is a blessing that he cheated and abandoned me.

Yes, your situation is difficult, but you WILL get better. If he didn't cheat on you, where would you be right now? Happy and addiction free with healthy him? Or would it be the same old chit? Walk in the middle of the room, breathe in, and FORGIVE HIM AND LET HIM GO. I do this daily. I forgive you and I am letting you go. Amen.

Him cheating on you with a 24 year old have nothing to do with you. My dad is 15 years older than my mom and he cheated on her with a younger woman later in their marriage. She left him. I didn't gain any weight and my ex cheated with some prostitute. Cheating has nothing to do with us, its THEM. Will he be addiction free with this new young girl? Who cares. She took him off your hands. You have a chance in life, to fix it and live the rest of your life free of this horror. Because its horror. It makes us sick - physically, emotionally, spiritually. Concentrate on your health. Make it #1 priority - your kids need you. Start going for short walks, I promise you, you can lose 60 lbs, you can! You can get healthy again and functional and happy. One day at the time.

I am also starting therapy. Try to get as much support as you can - Al-anon, therapy, whatever you need. To get rid of this toxicity. I too find myself some days, just cussing up a storm while driving, HATING ex. HATING the situation he put me in. Then I breathe in and say - I forgive you and i let you go. And i pray. Sending love and prayers your way.

Ariesagain

Listen to Glitter...she is one smart cookie...

britgirl

Wow glitter so sorry this has happened to you, what a jerk!! You sound incredibly strong and wise though and I have no doubt that you will come good and he by the sounds of it definitely will not!

Exabf has decided he can't wait to move in so has got a new job in the new woman's area and is moving in with her this wknd now instead. Apparently she has been receiving hospital treatment so he has been over there looking after her 2 year old son whilst she's ill. Guess that's why he's been cancelling on his own daughter with bs excuses over the last couple of months. Makes me sick as my own health is awful at the minute and I don't have anyone to help me.

DD is devastated and has said that being with daddy makes her sad so she thinks she doesn't want to see him for now and I'm certainly not going to insist!

I'm so resentful, it's eating me up. Why the hell does he get a new happy life when we're suffering so much. Am sick to death of people telling me he's a changed man and how well he's doing.

Thanks for letting me rant.

ella213

It seems for the moment that he came out unscathed, but he's really just found a new victim. Most relationships look pretty fantastic 4 months in, but this new girl is in for a rude awakening.

You've already been through hell but it's likely hers is just beginning. You're ahead of her, you're about to climb out of the pit she's sliding into.

And you WILL climb out! This is your beginning. Praying for you!!

britgirl

Ann and teatree, thank you for your kind words.

My Mum is close by but isn't able to give much support but she does what she can. I've started to see a private therapist as our local NHS service has a 9 month waiting list. I'm financially restricted to seeing her once every 3 weeks at the minute as I'm not able to work at the no it because of lupus flare ups.

I'm not able to attend any al or nar-anon meetings as we only have one in our area. It's a fair distance away and on a Monday night at 8pm and i don't have anyone to sit with my girls. Have found an online nar-anon meeting on Thursdays so am going to sign up for that and see how it goes.

teatreeoil007

I'm assuming you have a Dr. who can help you with your lupus? If you currently in a flare you may need special medication for it. So, I hope you are seeing your Dr.

Right now, you've got to put your health first. Your girls need you. And it's really hard right now, but you can come out stronger than ever and empowered.

zoso77

You forgot something in your description of her: gullible, foolish, ungrounded. If she were grounded and had any self awareness, she'd be asking herself something like, What's from stopping him from doing to me what he did to her and those kids? Perhaps it's a function of her youth. In any event, she just made an incredibly poor decision.

I've seen this play a bunch of times, britgirl. Addict goes to rehab, tells their boyfriend or girlfriend it's over, and then an extremely short time later, they're with someone else who tickles their pleasure centers in a way the previous partner couldn't.

My attitude regarding addicts who pull this kind of nonsense can be summed up in two words: f*ck 'em.

Do not allow this to get you down. He's done you a favor. He's a sick man behaving in sick ways, and you're lucky you're free from his field. Take care of you going forward.

britgirl

Thanks zoso, that did make me chuckle a though the idea of someone else "tickling his pleasure centres in a way I couldn't" made me feel ick. Do you think it's because they know we know the real them and don't want to do the work or that they never loved us anyway, being so far removed from their own feelings, and they wake up sober one day, look at us and think what the hell was I thinking?

Teatree, I have an appointment with my rheumatology nurse practitioner next week and she can prescribe appropriate steroids etc. Think I probably need a complete medication overhaul as my condition has been unstable for a good while now. Thanks for your concern, it's appreciated.

zoso77

I think the idea of a "new" relationship creates a chemical charge for the addict. But what happens when that charge wears off? What happens when the new girl tries to hold him accountable? Or she expects him to be a responsible partner in the relationship?

I'll tell you what happens: the same thing when you tried to hold him accountable.

Bollocks him, britgirl. When someone shows you what they're all about, believe them. Because their actions don't lie...

sianlee

Hi britgirl

I'm from the UK also and kicked my EXAH to the curb nearly 2 months ago. I was with him - or should I say tried to 'change' him for 13 years.
Honestly? I feel like a new woman! My only regret was not doing it sooner, but I can't turn the clock back so my new chapter begins as from now. I am sorry to hear what your ex has done but I agree with everyone else...his new girlfriend is in for a few surprises. All that glitters isn't gold! Take care of yourself and lots of love your way.

britgirl

Zoso you're right, I guess it's just another way of getting that dopamine charge that he's spent the last 18 years getting from class A's, gambling and alcohol. He married his ex-wife after 4 months of meeting her, it lasted a year and for the last 6 months of that he was laying the foundations for getting back with me. Unfortunately I fell for it once they'd split so here I am again.

Sianlee am so glad you're feeling good, after all the crap you must of taken over 13 years you deserve it!! Thanks for your kind words.

teatreeoil007

Glad to know you will get help for your lupus. It can sure affect how you feel overall too and how "up" you feel with coping with all of this and you DO have so much to cope with right now. We care!

I know the question was directed at zozo, but here's a shot at it: I truly do NOT think he 'never loved you anyway'. I think MUCH or MOST of it simply has to do with getting their next "fix"; whatever that fix might be...and he started to seek out new "fixes"; new "thrills"....anything that will give them the high their addicted brain craves. The addict needs more and more and more of their drug of choice to get the same affect. You fit the bill for awhile, but he likely wasn't satisfied after awhile. When does it stop? It doesn't stop until they stop and stay stopped. If you feed the flesh, it doesn't say, "I'm satisfied". It just demands more. And for thrills, maybe it just wants something different. This is SOOOO not about you! It's mainly about his addicted brain.

Bekindalways

Hey Britgirl, I so hope you are just taking the next right step as you go through this tough time. Wring every bit of wisdom that you can from the situation.

Do everything you can to take care of yourself and your kids. It sounds like your little girl is learning early to set boundaries. I hope if she doesn't want to see her dad she doesn't have to. (Sometimes kids here in the US don't have a choice)

Big hug and keep grieving, healing and working your own recovery.

cloudyskies

Thanks for sharing your story; I'm truly sorry about how he's treated you since rehab. But your story just reinforces how selfish even recovering addicts actually are. Try not to take it personally, addicts appear to be the worst sort of opportunists and morally deficient in ways that normal people aren't. I can understand your anger and embitterment. It's particularly frustrating that these "addicts" seem to get all the sympathy but suffer none of the consequences. That's largely due to the fact that we increasingly live in a permissive, politically-correct society, where predators are celebrated as "victims."

britgirl

Thank you cloudskies. What I don't understand is how he is now seen as the hero who turned his life around and we are largely forgotten? He's wiped us from his story as if we never existed whereas in actual fact it's me that picked him up at his lowest, put a roof over his head, fed him and listened to him talk endlessly about himself and his problems before finally getting him a rehab place and literally pushing him through the door!!! He comes out the other end with a new life, new woman, new home and job and I'm left picking up the pieces of the pain and devastation he left the kids and I with.

Our daughter whose 5 has decided that she doesn't want to see him at the minute as she says it just makes her sad and he shouts a lot. I messaged him to let him know how she's feeling and all I got back was a message that was obviously meant for his mum which said "don't bother picking DD up tomorrow as d*ckhead says she can't come". After everything I've done I'm now known as the d*ckhead and his mum is defending him as if there's nothing wrong with how he treats me. I am sick to death of all of this, am drained mentally, physically and he's just fine and bloody dandy. WTH!!!!

britgirl

Bekindalways, I'm not sure as yet whether she will be "made" to see him. He could start a court case for access and get it but am not sure he'll bother. Usually when he starts a new relationship he throws himself into that and he doesn't bother with her much.

A couple of months ago he sent some ******** message about wanting more contact so he could be a "proper" dad. Things has been going pretty well between them at that point and as he'd told me he was living at his parents i offered for her to have a trial sleepover on the Saturday night. Very reasonable I thought. Things were going well until I dropped in "please make sure the sleepover actually takes place at your parents house as DD needs stability and I need to know she's safe" (he has a history of taking her to stay at the latest new woman's house without my knowledge). He came back with "oh right, I'll probably just leave it for a while then"!!!!

His behaviour is just so contrary and confusing, it drives me crazy.

Ariesagain

If he's such a hero, then make him act like one. Please tell me he's supporting your daughter financially? If he isn't go after him. I would also go after him to pay for the therapy she needs.

I know it's hard, but what other people think doesn't really matter. His true colors will eventually show. In the meantime, focus on being kind to yourself and your children. Protect them best you can.

Karma always comes around.