Does it ever work out?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 43
Does it ever work out?
Has anyone stayed with their addict and it work out? Did they finally realize they needed help and got it? Or is happiness really in ending the marriage? Is there any hope of the marriage working?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Hey Confused, I do believe some relationships do work out. I wonder what the statistics are on this.
Sometimes it seems like hope is almost a harder thing than the no-hope which makes the decision clear. A bit like an amputation versus trying to heal a limb with gangrene. Argh, I'm afraid that isn't the happiest of metaphors.
Sometimes it seems like hope is almost a harder thing than the no-hope which makes the decision clear. A bit like an amputation versus trying to heal a limb with gangrene. Argh, I'm afraid that isn't the happiest of metaphors.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
I asked myself this question for 6 years. I looked for support in couples that have addiction in the family, I actually quit going to Al-anon because I didn't want to hear what they were telling me 
I turned away from anything normal, stable and sane. The thing is, nobody can answer this question What it comes down to is how willing is the addict to live every single day of his/her life in active recovery and how willing are we, those with this addict to tolerate all of the crazy stuff that comes with addiction.
I have heard some good stores in the rooms though, and it gave me hope for a while. Unfortunately, my ex was not willing to try recovery at all and I got to the point of no return
I turned away from anything normal, stable and sane. The thing is, nobody can answer this question What it comes down to is how willing is the addict to live every single day of his/her life in active recovery and how willing are we, those with this addict to tolerate all of the crazy stuff that comes with addiction. I have heard some good stores in the rooms though, and it gave me hope for a while. Unfortunately, my ex was not willing to try recovery at all and I got to the point of no return
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I wonder...deep down do you want it to "work out"? If it weren't for your kids, would you have divorced her a long time ago?
You've done your time and held things together for years. Do you still see something in her that attracts you or are there any glimmers of the old connection? Or is it just obligation and stress?
At some point, not that far away, your kids will be on to their own lives. I wonder if you'll think that all these years of uncertainty and wondering every day if it's going to fall apart again were worth it, even if she stays sober?
You have a right to be happy, to be loved, and to have trust in those closest to you. Staying with her just for the children, especially when it's clear that they are unhappy, may not be the best thing for them or for you.
If you don't want to do this anymore, that's okay.
You've done your time and held things together for years. Do you still see something in her that attracts you or are there any glimmers of the old connection? Or is it just obligation and stress?
At some point, not that far away, your kids will be on to their own lives. I wonder if you'll think that all these years of uncertainty and wondering every day if it's going to fall apart again were worth it, even if she stays sober?
You have a right to be happy, to be loved, and to have trust in those closest to you. Staying with her just for the children, especially when it's clear that they are unhappy, may not be the best thing for them or for you.
If you don't want to do this anymore, that's okay.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I hate to type this, but I'm going to: it's a low probability event. And that's for reasons that, provided your read enough stories here, will become self-evident.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 30
After 13 years of promises and lies, I finally woke up one morning and said 'enough'. My only regret is not kicking him in to touch sooner, but we live and learn. The advice I have got off this site has been a great help and I am now in recovery myself and feeling great! I feel like a weight has been lifted. I did want him to stop using but the top and bottom of it is that he didn't. I haven't come across many success stories and wasn't prepared to sit out the relationship for another 13 years to become one of them. Sad I know, but I finally woke up and smelt the coffee.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Does it ever work out? Sure, but it takes work and change. The addict needs to really change and change for good; none of that back and forth stuff. The co-dependent also needs to work on their own issues. Trust needs to be regained and that might be the hardest thing of all. Highly likely the co-dependent continues to be suspicious with everything the recovering addict does and that is understandable. But it's hard to exist let alone have an intimate relationship with someone who is always suspicious of every little thing; you start to feel somewhat smothered and then seeking ways 'out'. So, I would think learning how to focus on yourself is one of the keys to not always feeling suspicious. I liken this a bit to someone who has cheated on you and trying to repair the relationship after that happens. I would think there would always be wondering and suspicion. How can you help but not? I some cases the co-dependent starts to use substances to cope with the addict. You feel "cheated" even if there wasn't sex with someone else because their drug of choice is/was their MISTRESS or 'boy toy'. Hard core addicts are basically married to their drug of choice. When they finally quit it's a bit like divorce...it's over but will in some ways still affect their lives. There was a time in my marriage fairly early on when I was suspicious and sometimes jealous and I got so sick of feeling that way, I said to myself, "Screw it, if he's going to cheat he's going to cheat and I just have to do what I need to do for myself as my happiness doesn't hinge on what he does." I've learned I can never depend on another person for my OWN happiness.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Zoso (as usual)....nailed it.
So much as insinuating that certain situations
are bereft of hope is seen by most cultures as
an act of cruelty, a vote against the human spirit
that has shown us time and time again just what
seemingly impossible things it can do.
Looking back, what other things has this person
accomplished that required great devotion, great
discipline, and steadfastness bordering on the
superhuman? Because that is what recovery takes.
Every day for the rest of their lives
Nothing is so heartless, so nakedly barren, nor
so impossible to evade than the reality that the
best predictor of human performance is past
performance.
Low probability event. That is about as nice
as it can be said. But with it being said, those
posters here who HAVE beaten this horror
have my undying admiration and respect.
They have looked a very unforgiving monster in
the eye and to the core of their being decided
they would not go gently into that good night.
But addiction didn't get to the top of the
food chain because it was wanting for strength,
slow of foot, or dull of tooth.
So much as insinuating that certain situations
are bereft of hope is seen by most cultures as
an act of cruelty, a vote against the human spirit
that has shown us time and time again just what
seemingly impossible things it can do.
Looking back, what other things has this person
accomplished that required great devotion, great
discipline, and steadfastness bordering on the
superhuman? Because that is what recovery takes.
Every day for the rest of their lives
Nothing is so heartless, so nakedly barren, nor
so impossible to evade than the reality that the
best predictor of human performance is past
performance.
Low probability event. That is about as nice
as it can be said. But with it being said, those
posters here who HAVE beaten this horror
have my undying admiration and respect.
They have looked a very unforgiving monster in
the eye and to the core of their being decided
they would not go gently into that good night.
But addiction didn't get to the top of the
food chain because it was wanting for strength,
slow of foot, or dull of tooth.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by Vale 
Zoso (as usual)....nailed it.
So much as insinuating that certain situations
are bereft of hope is seen by most cultures as
an act of cruelty, a vote against the human spirit
that has shown us time and time again just what
seemingly impossible things it can do.
Looking back, what other things has this person
accomplished that required great devotion, great
discipline, and steadfastness bordering on the
superhuman? Because that is what recovery takes.
Every day for the rest of their lives
Nothing is so heartless, so nakedly barren, nor
so impossible to evade than the reality that the
best predictor of human performance is past
performance.
Low probability event. That is about as nice
as it can be said. But with it being said, those
posters here who HAVE beaten this horror
have my undying admiration and respect.
They have looked a very unforgiving monster in
the eye and to the core of their being decided
they would not go gently into that good night.
But addiction didn't get to the top of the
food chain because it was wanting for strength,
slow of foot, or dull of tooth.
So much as insinuating that certain situations
are bereft of hope is seen by most cultures as
an act of cruelty, a vote against the human spirit
that has shown us time and time again just what
seemingly impossible things it can do.
Looking back, what other things has this person
accomplished that required great devotion, great
discipline, and steadfastness bordering on the
superhuman? Because that is what recovery takes.
Every day for the rest of their lives
Nothing is so heartless, so nakedly barren, nor
so impossible to evade than the reality that the
best predictor of human performance is past
performance.
Low probability event. That is about as nice
as it can be said. But with it being said, those
posters here who HAVE beaten this horror
have my undying admiration and respect.
They have looked a very unforgiving monster in
the eye and to the core of their being decided
they would not go gently into that good night.
But addiction didn't get to the top of the
food chain because it was wanting for strength,
slow of foot, or dull of tooth.
I do think in a relatively short period of time you can tell if there is hope. Addicts that are serious about getting better will demonstrate through actions that they are willing to do anything to get sober.
In my case I went to a doctor, was in IOP for 4 months, went to AA 6 days a week for 1.5 years and today at 6.5 years sober I still go to at least 3 meetings a week.
AA is not the only way but my level of commitment is. If you want to break free of this demon you have to put forth the effort for the rest of your life.
Unfortunately very few are willing to do this and a lot of loved ones are not willing to make the sacrifices necessary once their significant other starts down the path of recovery.
My wife will always be second to my sobriety because without my sobriety I will lose everything I love
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by MIRecovery
Coming from the dark side I totally agree about it being a low probability event.
I do think in a relatively short period of time you can tell if there is hope. Addicts that are serious about getting better will demonstrate through actions that they are willing to do anything to get sober.
In my case I went to a doctor, was in IOP for 4 months, went to AA 6 days a week for 1.5 years and today at 6.5 years sober I still go to at least 3 meetings a week.
AA is not the only way but my level of commitment is. If you want to break free of this demon you have to put forth the effort for the rest of your life.
Unfortunately very few are willing to do this and a lot of loved ones are not willing to make the sacrifices necessary once their significant other starts down the path of recovery.
My wife will always be second to my sobriety because without my sobriety I will lose everything I love
I do think in a relatively short period of time you can tell if there is hope. Addicts that are serious about getting better will demonstrate through actions that they are willing to do anything to get sober.
In my case I went to a doctor, was in IOP for 4 months, went to AA 6 days a week for 1.5 years and today at 6.5 years sober I still go to at least 3 meetings a week.
AA is not the only way but my level of commitment is. If you want to break free of this demon you have to put forth the effort for the rest of your life.
Unfortunately very few are willing to do this and a lot of loved ones are not willing to make the sacrifices necessary once their significant other starts down the path of recovery.
My wife will always be second to my sobriety because without my sobriety I will lose everything I love
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,480
A reason? Not sure what you mean confused.
But I know that in my addiction everything came after my drugs/alcohol.
It consumed me, and yet it wasn't at all who I really am.
I hope that your partner hears you, and becomes willing to get help.
But I know that in my addiction everything came after my drugs/alcohol.
It consumed me, and yet it wasn't at all who I really am.
I hope that your partner hears you, and becomes willing to get help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by venuscat
A reason? Not sure what you mean confused.
But I know that in my addiction everything came after my drugs/alcohol.
It consumed me, and yet it wasn't at all who I really am.
I hope that your partner hears you, and becomes willing to get help.
But I know that in my addiction everything came after my drugs/alcohol.
It consumed me, and yet it wasn't at all who I really am.
I hope that your partner hears you, and becomes willing to get help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,480
Unfortunately, this is what addiction meant ~ for me, anyway.
The pills or whatever drug ended up feeling like a necessity.
Just like you need food and water, I believed I needed to smoke/drink.
It was only when I started to recover that I realised that wasn't true.
I hope that makes sense.
The pills or whatever drug ended up feeling like a necessity.
Just like you need food and water, I believed I needed to smoke/drink.
It was only when I started to recover that I realised that wasn't true.
I hope that makes sense.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
If he's not serious about recovery, he will get worse
that's absolutely true unfortunately. . .
You have to decide if you want to go down that dark path
with him if he continues to use.
He's making his choice pretty clear--not putting in the work to quit
but taking the easy way by finding excuses to continue his addiction.
You need to make a choice if dealing with addiction is what you want
to do with your life, or if you want more.
I'm sorry.
that's absolutely true unfortunately. . .
You have to decide if you want to go down that dark path
with him if he continues to use.
He's making his choice pretty clear--not putting in the work to quit
but taking the easy way by finding excuses to continue his addiction.
You need to make a choice if dealing with addiction is what you want
to do with your life, or if you want more.
I'm sorry.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I apologize...
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
I wonder...deep down do you want it to "work out"? If it weren't for your kids, would you have divorced her a long time ago?
You've done your time and held things together for years. Do you still see something in her that attracts you or are there any glimmers of the old connection? Or is it just obligation and stress?
At some point, not that far away, your kids will be on to their own lives. I wonder if you'll think that all these years of uncertainty and wondering every day if it's going to fall apart again were worth it, even if she stays sober?
You have a right to be happy, to be loved, and to have trust in those closest to you. Staying with her just for the children, especially when it's clear that they are unhappy, may not be the best thing for them or for you.
If you don't want to do this anymore, that's okay.
You've done your time and held things together for years. Do you still see something in her that attracts you or are there any glimmers of the old connection? Or is it just obligation and stress?
At some point, not that far away, your kids will be on to their own lives. I wonder if you'll think that all these years of uncertainty and wondering every day if it's going to fall apart again were worth it, even if she stays sober?
You have a right to be happy, to be loved, and to have trust in those closest to you. Staying with her just for the children, especially when it's clear that they are unhappy, may not be the best thing for them or for you.
If you don't want to do this anymore, that's okay.
It's sad that there are so many of these...sending you a hug.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
I just now realized I got your thread confused with another...I'm so sorry!
It's sad that there are so many of these...sending you a hug.
It's sad that there are so many of these...sending you a hug.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 43
[QUOTE=Hawkeye13;5865884]If he's not serious about recovery, he will get worse
that's absolutely true unfortunately. . .
You have to decide if you want to go down that dark path
with him if he continues to use.
He's making his choice pretty clear--not putting in the work to quit
but taking the easy way by finding excuses to continue his addiction.
You need to make a choice if dealing with addiction is what you want
to do with your life, or if you want more.
I'm sorry.[/QUOTE
I'm trying to figure out just that. Really hate to start all over at my age. I just keep praying God will intervene.
that's absolutely true unfortunately. . .
You have to decide if you want to go down that dark path
with him if he continues to use.
He's making his choice pretty clear--not putting in the work to quit
but taking the easy way by finding excuses to continue his addiction.
You need to make a choice if dealing with addiction is what you want
to do with your life, or if you want more.
I'm sorry.[/QUOTE
I'm trying to figure out just that. Really hate to start all over at my age. I just keep praying God will intervene.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
If he's not serious about recovery, he will get worse
that's absolutely true unfortunately. . .
You have to decide if you want to go down that dark path
with him if he continues to use.
He's making his choice pretty clear--not putting in the work to quit
but taking the easy way by finding excuses to continue his addiction.
You need to make a choice if dealing with addiction is what you want
to do with your life, or if you want more.
I'm sorry.
that's absolutely true unfortunately. . .
You have to decide if you want to go down that dark path
with him if he continues to use.
He's making his choice pretty clear--not putting in the work to quit
but taking the easy way by finding excuses to continue his addiction.
You need to make a choice if dealing with addiction is what you want
to do with your life, or if you want more.
I'm sorry.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 41
Like most people are saying, chances are very slim for relationships to stay together when one of the parties is an addict. However, since you are looking for someone with an instance of things working out and the couple staying together, I actually have a "success" story for ya.
My grandparents on my father's side stayed together from I guess early 20's till they died. My grandfather was an alcoholic, according to my father, my grandmother took pills (I assume to overcome the reality that was her life and husband). My grandfather would go on bingers for weeks on end and stop for a few days and go back to the bottle. This went on for at least 30 years. Then all the sudden he stopped drinking for close to 20 years.
Well sometime after they moved from PA to FL, he started back on his binges. But at this point they lived extremely far away from the rest of the family and no one was able to regularly check up/in with them. One day when he was up to his usual behavior, the story goes, my grandmother at age 72 tried to take her own life. She went and laid down in the bathtub. She brought my grandfather's gun in with her, pointed it at her stomach and took the shot.
Since she's never been one to stand up to her husband, there is no telling if this is what actually happened or not. It's the story she stuck to with the police and at the hospital. The hospital didn't seem to believe the story, and made sure to tell the kids (my dad and siblings) what they seen. Upon examination, she had two bullet holes through her stomach. The Dr explained two shots is uncommon from people looking to commit suicide, instead it was more consistent with someone else taking the shot on her (Ie my grandfather).
A year or two after this, they moved to CT to be closer the the family where my grandmother suffered dementia and remained in a home until the last day of her life while my grandfather stayed in a nice senior community condos and drank the rest of his life away.
So, my take on your post is this, get out while you can. Don't allow someone else to control your life. My grandmother lived her entire life under severe duress due to the problems her husband imposed upon her for 55+ years. Even if it was a suicide attempt and not foul play via my grandfather, her life was that terrible for that long that suicide seemed like her only way out. Instead she wasn't so lucky, as she survived the ordeal and endured more years of punishment before loosing her mind and grasp on reality.
My grandparents on my father's side stayed together from I guess early 20's till they died. My grandfather was an alcoholic, according to my father, my grandmother took pills (I assume to overcome the reality that was her life and husband). My grandfather would go on bingers for weeks on end and stop for a few days and go back to the bottle. This went on for at least 30 years. Then all the sudden he stopped drinking for close to 20 years.
Well sometime after they moved from PA to FL, he started back on his binges. But at this point they lived extremely far away from the rest of the family and no one was able to regularly check up/in with them. One day when he was up to his usual behavior, the story goes, my grandmother at age 72 tried to take her own life. She went and laid down in the bathtub. She brought my grandfather's gun in with her, pointed it at her stomach and took the shot.
Since she's never been one to stand up to her husband, there is no telling if this is what actually happened or not. It's the story she stuck to with the police and at the hospital. The hospital didn't seem to believe the story, and made sure to tell the kids (my dad and siblings) what they seen. Upon examination, she had two bullet holes through her stomach. The Dr explained two shots is uncommon from people looking to commit suicide, instead it was more consistent with someone else taking the shot on her (Ie my grandfather).
A year or two after this, they moved to CT to be closer the the family where my grandmother suffered dementia and remained in a home until the last day of her life while my grandfather stayed in a nice senior community condos and drank the rest of his life away.
So, my take on your post is this, get out while you can. Don't allow someone else to control your life. My grandmother lived her entire life under severe duress due to the problems her husband imposed upon her for 55+ years. Even if it was a suicide attempt and not foul play via my grandfather, her life was that terrible for that long that suicide seemed like her only way out. Instead she wasn't so lucky, as she survived the ordeal and endured more years of punishment before loosing her mind and grasp on reality.
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