MAYA1

Hello, I havent posted on SR much, but I have been reading your stories frequently... I found myself in a phase where I need some guidance. I will appreciate any honest comments from heart. Please, feel free to be frank with me.
I have been with my addict, now ex boyfriend for 2 years. We met in February 2014. Back then, I had no experience with drugs, and I have never been around any alcoholic or addict. Now I know that even when we met, he used some substances (mostly cocaine, MDMA, speed) once in a while. For the first year of the relationship, this was not apparent at all, at least not to me . We met in a country where I am from. He was rather new there but had many friends, lived active lifestyle and was well put together with a good job.
Fast forward into a 10 months of our relationship, his company asked him to relocate to south of Europe. We both relocated within our companies. Life was good. However, short after we relocated I found out he stopped paying child support to his son he has with his ex girlfriend (regular calls stopped and randoms travels too as a consequence). When confronted, he said something in a way that his ex is controlling and mean person in generall and that he had no strenght to have her in his life. Other than that he had nothig. He says that he loves his son and I know that they had good time together when they saw each other. FYI: his son is based in different country than we are each from or where we moved, but all within Europe. It was stange. When we traveled and had fun, he didnt seem to miss him or be depressed. When we were home, we trained a lot, he spent hours in pubs or had severe chest pains - anxiety- even visited hospital several times.
He started to drink more often and that gradualy led to seeking for other substances. His handeling of finances got really bad too. Around February 2015 he contacted his ex and wanted to amend things with her and wanted to see his son. However, his drug use was getting only worst. Back then, I was thinking to leave him, but it was hard for me financially since i paid for his food way too often. Honestly, I was also discussing it with him and I believed or wanted to believe this was just a bad period and when he sees his son again, it will be good.
May 2015 was pure nightmare. He didnt see his son yet and started take prescription pills like Xanax. He got those pills because on to of everything he got news that his long term ill dad might die soon. He immediatelly started to abuse those pills (went up to 20 mg a day), drunk a lot and was running around the city like a lunetic searching for cocain, even sugesting he would kill his drug dealer. At the end of May he left to be with his family. We broke up and I felt relief that 1. he is gone, 2. he left alive. Anyway, his family kicked him out the week he goth there so he stopped taking pills and after 1 week sober cold turkey, I left him back home. I was so naive. He was OK for 2 months and then it started again.
Everytime he was out of his head, I just wanted him to find job in his home country and to leave or go to rehab. I didnt want to be with him, but I couldnt watch him running around city where he had no friends like a crazy person. I was sorry for him.
The last 6 monts were crazy, he overdosed several times, threatened to kill himself, ended in psychiatric ward, started to feel better, train in the gym and then to being homeless, It was intensive ride.After his last episode as a homeless, he woke up one day and just stopped, was disgusted with all drugs. I took him back home week after he stopped cold turkey. I took him back as a friend, not girlfriend, I was here to support him to get off the street, to find new job back home and leave, basically.
He found great job, and we were playing with the idea that once he fixes his life, especially the part with his son and finances, we might get back together ... either I would move back to his home country or him to mine. We both had enought of south of Europe. Anyway, we felt we needed distace for a while. I didnt want to live his life and try to save him anymore. I was mentally, financially and physically exhausted.
Anyway, as soon as he moved, he started to post really strange comment on his fbook wall, type "**** south of Europe, it is not about the weather, its about the people" and "I found love to my motheland again". To me he kept texting me how great and amazing new people he met and how s. Europe sucks. Basically, he said the city we lived in in s. Europe and where I still am caused his addiction - boredom, boring people, blah blah blah. I felt offended since I was helping him for 8 months and everyone new seemed much better than me. Also, he said he wanted relatiship but it would have to be part of his live in distance. I broke up with him for good. I couldnt listen to this crazy rants anymore. After I broke up with him, he even said that he doesnt love me anymore and that I have changed. Ha!
Funny thing is that any woman that he meets thinks he is charming - he has great job, is interesting, engaging, good looking. He has it all when looking from certain distance.
I am now nearly 2 months without contact. I have traveled a lot and found new friends. However, only now after two months, I started to feel sad for loosing him (him 8 months ago). But was it ven him? Based on information from his brother, some of his past relationships ended becuase of drinking and drugs. However, he was never homeless like with me and this seemed like his worst periord. I feel like a fell into a trap.
I will not contact him, but I woudl like to know what helped you to truly move on? So far I found a lot of strength here on SR. I have also ordered book "Codependent no more" and cant wait to start reading.

AdelineRose

Hey,

He sounds like a typical addict and the whole telling you how amazing his life is going now and how much better he is now doing is only to make you feel bad. He is literally just trying to deflect the problem on you and not on himself.

I found the best way to move on is to cut all contact- block phone number, no texts, block on facebook, don't read any of his social media accounts, and just focus on yourself. Keep yourself busy, find new hobbies, read, and just do you.

He is going to keep continueing to go downhill until he finally has had enough and the fact that he is trying to put the blame on you shows he is no where near ready to find sobriety. Addicts are great manipulators and lots of times from a distance they can really fool people- I would continue no contact and just watch out for warning signs from future partners in the future.

Take care of you and when you start to miss him I would start listing in your head all the negative things about the relationship/living situation. From the summary of it all it sounds like there was way more negatives than positives.

Stay strong and I hope this helped at least a little bit,

Adeline

JOIE12

Maya ... blessings to you. I agree with everything that Adeline wrote above. Your story is our story ... each a little different but the manipulation is the same. Sometimes it is borderline psychotic. Chemical changes in the brain. You are not responsible for his happiness. His welfare or his downfall. He directs his own life. Stand strong. We are always here for you. Keep coming back. Codependent No More is a really good read. I listened to it on cd, in the car or as I went to sleep. It brought me so much peace and acceptance. I wish you the same. You did the right thing. Nothing in his circumstances will change. But yours ... will

Hugs to you,
Joie

MAYA1

Hi Adeline! Thank you for taking time to read my story ( I know that its way too long) . Your words help me more than you can imagine, its very valuable opinion. I have quickly reviewed your profile and to hear that his behaviour is typical for addict person is an eye opener (or good reassurance)! I needed to hear that.
I believe that complete lack of experience caused me to stay longer that was healhy. I never really believed that this could be my reality. That this could have happeded to me. I guess I imagined I would recognize an addict person. So naive.
I was ok for the first mont since he left - felt a lot of relief and I was authentic version of myself again. Now I feel i should do some group therapy as I have never said the above out loud to anyone (just bits and pieces that were not that "scary"). Nobody knows, except of you here.
I hate him for what he destroyed but there is also no one else on this planet I woudl rather hug. I believed in him so much.

MAYA1

Hi Joie, thank you for your message and your time! I really appreciate it!
Sometimes I am more upset abouth things I told him that what he has done or told me. I just kind of got used to looking at him as "not in his right mind" and I just ignored some of his mean comments toward me. Otherwise, i dont think I could have gone thruogh it. I just didnt take any of it seriously as it was too hurtful to be thruth. Also he went from love to hatred and so I just ignored it all.

BUT when he relapsed for the third time I just could not take it anymore (my life was circus). I told him some mean things and he just left and was homeless for a month. I feel sooo bad for those words I told him that caused him to go (althou I was glad he was gone as I started to worry about myself). I just thing he might remember those words and I feel ashamed and sad how far it got. I dont know how to forgive myself. Its strange because everytime he relapsed, I was supportive and nice to him. But this I cant get it off my head. Hope reading the book and some alanon meeting helps. Thank you xxx

JOIE12

A lot happens in 24 hours with an addict. Most of it creates feelings that we have never experienced. I used to be very hard on myself, like everything was a result of my responses.

What happened and what will happen - literally have so little to do with who you are. The best we can do it so lay our boundaries and stick to them, no matter what.

Boundaries are not "you need to quit or I'm leaving" - "if I find out you're using, I am gone" ..... They are "I can no longer be a part of a relationship with an addict" - "I need to focus on my mental, physical and emotional health and this relationship is not bringing anything that I need to be better".

It is not an ultimatum. It is a statement of your own, that brings about positive change for you.

And then you must follow thru because Inevitably ... that boundary will be ignored by the addict.

You can make amends to yourself if you feel badly. I'm not sure there is anything good to come out of apologizing to him. He's not there anyways.

It just begins the honeymoon cycle again, then helping, and rescuing and over and over again.
Until you decide you no longer wish to ride this rollercoaster.
If anyone should feel badly, it would be me. I finally left and he was gone 1 1/2 hrs later. What happened was going to happen regardless of when I decided I could no longer be around him and his addiction to H, coke, pills, etc.

It takes time to figure this out. Please be kind to yourself.
Hugs
Joie

Curlyq268

Maya - hugs to you! As Joie and Adeline have already stated, your story is so similar to all of ours. Different details, but the overall story tells the same. I am in the same exact period of mourning as you. I ceased all contact with my EXBFA late last year. I was fine for the first couple of months. Went along with daily life. Barely thought about him. Then suddenly, a month ago, it all caught up with me. The feelings and hurt that I had been pushing down for so long finally bubbled up and I couldn't handle them. I am also similar to you in that I never spoke a word about his troubles or addictions to anyone. I kept it all to myself and always tried to defend him to my family and friends. Thirteen years of this person in my life and six years of a relationship filled with hurt and pain just couldn't be suppressed any longer.

You are taking great first steps to heal yourself. "Codependent No More", this forum, and Al-Anon meetings have really helped. The support that you find on here is invaluable. I've also started seeing a therapist once a week. Truth be told, it's more of just me talking for an entire hour. Finally getting it off of your chest and out into the world helps SO SO much. And if you feel the need to cry, just cry. Let it out. He isn't in your life anymore, but it's okay to hurt. It's okay to be upset. We have had to be the strong one for so long. It's okay to finally let it all out.

You will get through this and come out a stronger and wiser person on the other side. And as for your EXBFA, he will just continue to cycle through the same mistakes. But we move on to healthier relationships and a new life.

Curly

glitterdeva

Maya, welcome. You are not alone. I have let my ex husband go 2 weeks ago, well he sort of let himself go, sinking in the sea of heroin, prostitutes, and who knows what else. With addicts - you think you have seen it all, you think, oh, this cannot get any worse, but it does. Exactly like others said - it is a roller coaster, you think ok, it is so bad now, the addict promises to change, you feel bad, you run to the rescue, they use, lie, cheat, steal, whatever, again and the cycle continues on and on and on. Mine went for 6 years. I married him in between his addictions.

Get all the support that you can. love and hugs

atalose

I think first before we move on we need to fully grieve the loss of the relationship. And in order to do that we must not be dancing with the corps so to speak. When break up and make up had become a normal cycle we need to get beyond what was our normal and into that spot in life where we are alone and can grieve.

I think we know that our relationships died long before we found the strength to fully let them go. I thought I had been mourning the death of the relationship for pretty much the last year we were together but surprisingly enough the grieving didn’t fully start until he hadn’t been a part of my everyday life for several months. It was great in the very beginning because I could finally actually sleep with both eyes closed and not anxiously waking to make sure the house was not on fire.

The more I educated myself on addiction, addict behavior and codependency the clearer my path towards my own recovery became. I really did stop blaming him once I was able to see how my own codependency issues held me like glue to him and his addiction. My “feeling” sorry for him, my thinking that “I was the only person he had” bla-bla-bla……………..all of those bla’s we tell ourselves that keep us attached to unhealthy people.

We move through those 5 stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression then finally acceptance – at our own pace and not in any certain order. One day you miss them and we tell ourselves “well, maybe it wasn’t as bad as I though” (bargaining) the next day we are madder as heck at them and at ourselves (anger) then we might feel hopeless (depression) that we will never meet anyone else again. And we may do this dance for weeks, month’s maybe even years depending on how long we were with them.\

The important thing is to know its all normal, relationship endings are not easy but we do survive and often come out of that storm a much stronger person.

JOIE12

Nicely written Atalose, thank you
Hugs
Joie