confused2016

What do you do when you know the addict is fighting this battle inside, but really not talking to you about it? I truly believe the ah wants to be clean, but can't or won't really try.

How can I help him? Is there anything at all I can do?

The music he has been listening to seems like a cry for help (I see the history log). I just don't know what to do.

AnvilheadII

YOU don't have to DO anything.....you don't need to try and FIX him. or try to figure out what you think he is thinking. trust me, you'll get it wrong. his internal struggle is just that.........HIS. you are not his counselor, therapist or sponsor......

i know it is counter-intuitive to just do nothing.....we are care takers, helpers, lovers. but sometimes we just have to Let Go. and tend to our own needs, seek out our own help and support. do for ourselves what we wish they would do for themselves.

confused2016

I've started seeing a thearpist, only been a couple of times thou. How do you let it go?

zoso77

Short answer is no.

One of the biggest personal revelations for me during my initial Al Anon meetings was it didn't matter what I did or didn't do for my then AGF. She was going to do whatever she wanted to do, and I couldn't change that. But once I realized that, I was liberated and was able to "let it go".

So letting go isn't something to be frightened of. It's just recognizing that there are just some things in this life we can't affect. So we take that energy we would have used to try to fix things and instead use it to heal ourselves.

Think about it.

AnvilheadII

letting go is letting go of the ILLUSION of CONTROL over a situation.

Let's say the neighbors put their house up for sale....now you could spend a LOT of time worrying and fretting and freaking out about who the NEW neighbors MIGHT be.....but exactly what did that DO about the situation?

NOTHING.

and how much control do you HAVE over who buys the property??

NONE. unless you plan to buy it yourself.

and how many people get to handpick their neighbors?

NOBODY.

because it's on the other side of your FENCE.

confused2016

Very true, never thought of it that way. It's just so hard, wish I knew the answers and would follow through. My life had revolved around him for so very long, even before the addiction, he was my best friend and we did everything together.

I guess I'm having a hard time making boundaries and staying loving all at the same time. Don't know how to seperate the two.

Misssy2

You have to let him go...until he has a period of sobriety or your life will continue to be unpredictable and chaotic....filled with doubt and fear.

its hard to let people go...I did it with someone I was with 22 years. It may take you a year from now to figure out that is the only answer (if he doesn't get sober). But, I'm sorry I think it is the only answer.,

confused2016

Sometimes I want to,others I don't. I don't think I really know what I want, but I'm getting tired of fighting this battle. He says he doesn't like being this way, but yet always gives in.

Just like today a family member got a script filled and he's dozing in and out in the chair. He thinks I don't know. I love him so much and just want the h I thought I was getting. I really don't want to start over, although may not even be my choice.

JOIE12

Confused - each day we think we spend with an addict 'seems' to be controlled by them.

But each day is OUR choice. We cannot love someone enough or help them enough to WANT to be clean and/or sober.

Wishing you peace with this.
Hugs to you,
Joie

confused2016

Thanks Joie! It's just so hard sometimes. I've prayed and prayed and nothing changes. I just seriously need to focus on me, just not something I'm used to doing. I know I'm scared, I don't want to start over at my age. But your right I can't change him, no matter how hard I try. It's so hard to watch someone you love so much, throw it all away.