Can we be blamed?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 50
Can we be blamed?
My relationship with AH started out a little up and down. I was young, 17, naive, had never been in a serious relationship before. He was the first & only person I've slept with.
Being young still and I guess somewhat entitled or bratty, we butted heads on a lot. I'm pretty opinionated and our fights would get pretty heated. I felt a lot of resentment from him towards me.
A year later we got married. Still the ups and downs..
While I love the real him, it seemed like I didn't ever reach his expectations as a wife. Fast forward, he hooked up with some old friends, started on pills, then got hooked on shooting heroin..
I was pregnant at this time. Went through pregnancy basically alone and most of the first year of our child's life while he got high. He blamed the fact that he was miserable with me. He went to jail for four months a year ago. When he got out a lot seemed different about him but slowly we started having arguments again about recovery and his friends and he relapsed. Now it's six months later... We had a huge fight and separation recently where I lived with my family for a little while.. During that time I also confessed that when we started dating I had kissed another acquaintance of ours. He was mad. But said he could get over it. That it was five years ago, I'm a lot different now.
We have had a great month & have been really involved spiritually with church and studying together. He has professed to me how he loves me now more than ever & how much God is working in our lives and how he's gonna take care of his addiction and be the man he should be. I've been kind and supportive of the process even when he would slip up. Always encouraging him, when he'd feel guilty about the past id reassure him that I've forgiven him and he can forgive himself.
On his last attempt to get clean he lasted a week.. Then he ran out of suboxone, started getting agitated. Brought up what happened when we dated. How he can't trust me because I kept that secret for years in our marriage. That because I had that secret that's why our relationship continued to fail and why he felt in his gut that we shouldn't be together or that he couldn't trust me.. That I'm the reason he ever used heroin because he's miserable with me. That I was a horrible wife and girlfriend and if he had been with a real woman he never would have gone to drugs.. I understand the pain about me keeping a secret.. But it was because I was a dumb 17 year old and I made a mistake and was just scared that it would become something bigger or more meaningful in his mind than it actually was..
His words sting.. Especially considering just last week he was professing his love for me (he said he was high at that time and told me to forget anything positive he said about us...)
I know I've made mistakes in our relationship. I have come a long way to fix and mend my side of things and allow healing to happen naturally and gradually.. I've matured a lot. I've become a mom. More grounded and established and patient & kind.
Logically I know that I'm not to blame for his addiction, that every person makes a choice how to cope with life's events/circumstances.. But in my heart I can't help but have his words get to me.
Idk what's because of the addiction and what is how he really feels. Idk if he actually loves me or hates me. If I'm just a burden he got stuck with and pressured into marrying, & that he was so miserable with that he had to resort to drug use?
I feel crazy. Because there's things he'll say that seem right. But other things don't in my mind. I can't wrap my head around this.. I have given our life & family my all
I guess the saying "better late than never" isn't always true.. I feel broken that I'm judged by something that happened 5 years ago.. To him that nullified anything good in our marriage.. Even if I've explained to him my reasons for not saying anything sooner.. It wasn't because I had any kind of desire for infidelity in our marriage or that I've ever wanted anyone else.. But he doesn't believe that.. Years of proof don't matter when it comes to one secret :/
This sucks.
Being young still and I guess somewhat entitled or bratty, we butted heads on a lot. I'm pretty opinionated and our fights would get pretty heated. I felt a lot of resentment from him towards me.
A year later we got married. Still the ups and downs..
While I love the real him, it seemed like I didn't ever reach his expectations as a wife. Fast forward, he hooked up with some old friends, started on pills, then got hooked on shooting heroin..
I was pregnant at this time. Went through pregnancy basically alone and most of the first year of our child's life while he got high. He blamed the fact that he was miserable with me. He went to jail for four months a year ago. When he got out a lot seemed different about him but slowly we started having arguments again about recovery and his friends and he relapsed. Now it's six months later... We had a huge fight and separation recently where I lived with my family for a little while.. During that time I also confessed that when we started dating I had kissed another acquaintance of ours. He was mad. But said he could get over it. That it was five years ago, I'm a lot different now.
We have had a great month & have been really involved spiritually with church and studying together. He has professed to me how he loves me now more than ever & how much God is working in our lives and how he's gonna take care of his addiction and be the man he should be. I've been kind and supportive of the process even when he would slip up. Always encouraging him, when he'd feel guilty about the past id reassure him that I've forgiven him and he can forgive himself.
On his last attempt to get clean he lasted a week.. Then he ran out of suboxone, started getting agitated. Brought up what happened when we dated. How he can't trust me because I kept that secret for years in our marriage. That because I had that secret that's why our relationship continued to fail and why he felt in his gut that we shouldn't be together or that he couldn't trust me.. That I'm the reason he ever used heroin because he's miserable with me. That I was a horrible wife and girlfriend and if he had been with a real woman he never would have gone to drugs.. I understand the pain about me keeping a secret.. But it was because I was a dumb 17 year old and I made a mistake and was just scared that it would become something bigger or more meaningful in his mind than it actually was..
His words sting.. Especially considering just last week he was professing his love for me (he said he was high at that time and told me to forget anything positive he said about us...)
I know I've made mistakes in our relationship. I have come a long way to fix and mend my side of things and allow healing to happen naturally and gradually.. I've matured a lot. I've become a mom. More grounded and established and patient & kind.
Logically I know that I'm not to blame for his addiction, that every person makes a choice how to cope with life's events/circumstances.. But in my heart I can't help but have his words get to me.
Idk what's because of the addiction and what is how he really feels. Idk if he actually loves me or hates me. If I'm just a burden he got stuck with and pressured into marrying, & that he was so miserable with that he had to resort to drug use?
I feel crazy. Because there's things he'll say that seem right. But other things don't in my mind. I can't wrap my head around this.. I have given our life & family my all
I guess the saying "better late than never" isn't always true.. I feel broken that I'm judged by something that happened 5 years ago.. To him that nullified anything good in our marriage.. Even if I've explained to him my reasons for not saying anything sooner.. It wasn't because I had any kind of desire for infidelity in our marriage or that I've ever wanted anyone else.. But he doesn't believe that.. Years of proof don't matter when it comes to one secret :/
This sucks.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Addiction = insanity.
An addict will jump on any way to blame someone else for their addiction because then they are justified in continuing to use. He's using drugs because you're not a "real woman"??? Oh please. Five years ago when you were practically a child you kissed someone, and that's why he turned to drugs? Give me a break.
Unless you physically pinned him to the ground and injected drugs into him, you are NOT responsible for his using.
There are a lot of really good people here who have gone through this and can help you through. Have you checked Al-Anon or Nar-anon meetings in your area?
This is a rough road he had you on. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
An addict will jump on any way to blame someone else for their addiction because then they are justified in continuing to use. He's using drugs because you're not a "real woman"??? Oh please. Five years ago when you were practically a child you kissed someone, and that's why he turned to drugs? Give me a break.
Unless you physically pinned him to the ground and injected drugs into him, you are NOT responsible for his using.
There are a lot of really good people here who have gone through this and can help you through. Have you checked Al-Anon or Nar-anon meetings in your area?
This is a rough road he had you on. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
My sister partially blames me for her anxiety/depression/drug use because I started reading when I was four and would no longer play with her.
Aries is right. Addiction=insanity, and your AH will grab onto any excuse to blame his drug use on somebody besides himself.
^^^^^EXACTLY^^^^^^^ (and I'll add an eyeroll for good measure.) I dated somebody, and he kissed somebody a year into our relationship. And I was infuriated. But I sure as hell didn't start shooting up heroin for kicks. Geez louise.
Aries is right. Addiction=insanity, and your AH will grab onto any excuse to blame his drug use on somebody besides himself.
Five years ago when you were practically a child you kissed someone, and that's why he turned to drugs? Give me a break.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 50
I've attended some family classes with his sister who is also going through recovery. But those are only once a month :/ I've been trying to find a group but idk which ones are for users and which are for family members..
He started using before he ever knew. But he blames me for just not being a biblical wife to him and that I pushed him to it because he was so miserable with me. The secret was just the cherry on top, two years into his addiction.
Addiction really is insanity. I want to bang my head against a wall after any attempted conversation with him. There's just no logic.
When he's high he loves me.
When he's sober he hates me & im the reason he's miserable and he got stuck with me.
He doesn't believe he's verbally abusive.
It's just a never ending cycle.
He started using before he ever knew. But he blames me for just not being a biblical wife to him and that I pushed him to it because he was so miserable with me. The secret was just the cherry on top, two years into his addiction.
Addiction really is insanity. I want to bang my head against a wall after any attempted conversation with him. There's just no logic.
When he's high he loves me.
When he's sober he hates me & im the reason he's miserable and he got stuck with me.
He doesn't believe he's verbally abusive.
It's just a never ending cycle.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
"Biblical wife"? Meaning compliant smiling doormat who stands supportively by while he commits suicide?
I don't know much about God, but for certain He doesn't want your child or you to spend your lives as slaves to someone else's addiction.
Try googling Nar-anon meetings in your area?
I don't know much about God, but for certain He doesn't want your child or you to spend your lives as slaves to someone else's addiction.
Try googling Nar-anon meetings in your area?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Consider talking alone with your pastor about his paranoia, accusations, family issues of addiction, and his own addiction. See if your church is going to back you if you decide to save yourself and your child from repeating the patterns of addiction.
My H went on a three week argument with me over a relationship I had before we became mutually exclusive. This was at 17 years married that he staged this whole blow up which meant it was almost 20 years past. I have not cheated and have even curbed male friendships in my marriage, so I was terribly hurt and sideswiped. He was still drinking at this time. My suspicion is he was blame shifting.
You could seek Celebrate Recovery or Coda meetings as well as Al Anon meetings.
My H went on a three week argument with me over a relationship I had before we became mutually exclusive. This was at 17 years married that he staged this whole blow up which meant it was almost 20 years past. I have not cheated and have even curbed male friendships in my marriage, so I was terribly hurt and sideswiped. He was still drinking at this time. My suspicion is he was blame shifting.
You could seek Celebrate Recovery or Coda meetings as well as Al Anon meetings.
Last edited by CodeJob; 03-09-2016 at 05:26 AM. Reason: Sp
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 88
Listen to me..... This lesson took me a rivers worth of tears to learn but YOU are NOT to blame! Addicts will blame everyone and everything for their drug abuse..... My addict has blamed me, his mother, his dad, his friends, even his dog for using heroin but the bottom line is........... We are not to blame! I know how deep their harsh words can cut, I have been at the receiving end of so many cruel statements and cruel words that I've questioned several times If this whole addiction was my fault..... He's even blamed his "high for the day" on me leaving a coffee mug on the dresser.... As long as they continue To deny how much their addiction is ruining their life, you and everyone in their circle will be to blame for their bad behavior. I know you must feel depressed and alone, that's what this addiction has done to me.... I used to take to the words "didn't cause it, can't control it" with a grain of salt until I became more educated on the nature of the beast. I know I didn't create this chaos in his life and as much as his words hurt you have to realize that they NEED to place this blame on us in order to take the heat off of themselves. This was perhaps the greatest lesson and hardest one about addiction to learn..... Lots of members tell me to take time for myself and while I never could I have started to. Even if it's just getting your hair done or going for a walk..... Do something that reminds you that you are a strong woman. ( a warrior to go through this)! Remember that above all, you deserve love... Love for yourself, love for your children, and love for life! Addiction may have taken over his life for now but don't allow it to change who you are or how you feel about yourself. No one in this world is more deserving of your love and kindness than you! Take care 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
wait.....so your big SECRET is that at the age of 17 while still DATING you KISSED another person............that's it?
that is the sum total of your indiscretion???
you aren't a secret Russian Spy, or a bank robber, or a madame running a high priced escort service.......
and THAT is all he has on you? and you are willing to take blame for that?
time to quit listening to his BS. esp the crap about not being a biblical wife. curious if the bible says that biblical HUSBANDS and FATHERS get to run around and do drugs and abandon their families?
huge stinking piles of doo doo.
when people realize they are in a marriage they no longer wish to be in, they get a divorce, not take up drugs. none of his crap makes any sense. it's all crazed up addict speak.
that is the sum total of your indiscretion???
you aren't a secret Russian Spy, or a bank robber, or a madame running a high priced escort service.......
and THAT is all he has on you? and you are willing to take blame for that?
time to quit listening to his BS. esp the crap about not being a biblical wife. curious if the bible says that biblical HUSBANDS and FATHERS get to run around and do drugs and abandon their families?
huge stinking piles of doo doo.
when people realize they are in a marriage they no longer wish to be in, they get a divorce, not take up drugs. none of his crap makes any sense. it's all crazed up addict speak.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Sweetie, please know I am not discounting your thoughts or feelings but there is an official name for what he is doing, what he is saying and we call it. . .
"Quack, Quack, Quacking"
if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, quacks like a duck ~ it's a duck!
Like others have said, when he stirs up all the commotion over something YOU did - it takes all the focus off the real issue - his addiction.
Addict behavior 101
Please don't take that on -
Do what is healthy for you & your child ~
YOU deserve healthy love, respect, serenity, sanity & safety
wishing you the very best!
PINK HUGS!
"Quack, Quack, Quacking"
if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, quacks like a duck ~ it's a duck!
Like others have said, when he stirs up all the commotion over something YOU did - it takes all the focus off the real issue - his addiction.
Addict behavior 101
Please don't take that on -
Do what is healthy for you & your child ~
YOU deserve healthy love, respect, serenity, sanity & safety
wishing you the very best!
PINK HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Originally Posted by periwinkle123 
I've attended some family classes with his sister who is also going through recovery. But those are only once a month :/ I've been trying to find a group but idk which ones are for users and which are for family members..
He started using before he ever knew. But he blames me for just not being a biblical wife to him and that I pushed him to it because he was so miserable with me. The secret was just the cherry on top, two years into his addiction.
Addiction really is insanity. I want to bang my head against a wall after any attempted conversation with him. There's just no logic.
When he's high he loves me.
When he's sober he hates me & im the reason he's miserable and he got stuck with me.
He doesn't believe he's verbally abusive.
It's just a never ending cycle.
He started using before he ever knew. But he blames me for just not being a biblical wife to him and that I pushed him to it because he was so miserable with me. The secret was just the cherry on top, two years into his addiction.
Addiction really is insanity. I want to bang my head against a wall after any attempted conversation with him. There's just no logic.
When he's high he loves me.
When he's sober he hates me & im the reason he's miserable and he got stuck with me.
He doesn't believe he's verbally abusive.
It's just a never ending cycle.
Do you think God put you on this Earth to be abused?
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