Littlelight17

Ive been lurking SR on & off for over a year now, but finally joined today. Ended things with my boyfriend last Tuesday and still have so many mixed emotions about it all due to the circumstances. Looking back on it now, I wonder if I was enabling or just being helpful. The XAB didn't have a computer, never used the Internet, so I would help him by looking for jobs online in his area and applying for him. I've lost count of how many jobs I've applied him for. Due to a felony it's pretty hard for him to land a job. He also has no license, so getting to businesses to fill out applications isn't easy. We have been long distance for months now otherwise I would let him borrow my laptop to fill out applications on his own. I've never given him money, so I never identified as an enabler. In October he told me he was sick of living in active addiction and wanted help. I looked for rehabs his insurance covered, made phone calls, looked up meetings in his area, all that. I like to think he couldn't do those things for himself since he doesn't have a computer/internet. If my efforts were geared toward him getting help, is that still enabling because he should've done it on his own? I most definitely am codependent. I recognize that in myself, but enabler... you decide. Just looking for insight. This is my first post, but I'm sure there will be more to come.

Needabreak

Is he disabled, mentally or physically? Is he illiterate? Because these are fundamental things that adults in our society do for themselves. Couldn't he go to the library to use the internet? Take a bus to apply for jobs?

By doing these things for him, you set up a situation where he didn't need to learn to do these normal tasks himself. My vote would be that this is enabling. Unless he's somehow disabled.

Littlelight17

No, he's not mentally/physically disabled. Come to think of it, he would go to the library every so often to rent movies. He could've easily used a computer there like you mentioned. I guess I just wanted to make it easier for him to get a job again and get on his feet again.

CodeJob

Little light,

Welcome to SR. I'm sure you've heard the phrase, time is money? You put a lot of time in.

Invest that time in yourself going forward. You'll get a lot more out of it!

cynical one

There are different types of enabling...most have nothing to do with drugs or alcohol.

Did you enable his addiction? No

Did you enable his dependency and immaturity, and feed into the 'I'm not capable' mindset? Yes

Either way, he's out of your life. Now you can spend all that time and energy investing in yourself.

greeteachday

Great way of putting it! I think that's something that even pre- addiction in my life I was often guilty of doing - especially with teen kids. I felt more comfortable "helping" them rather than hearing whining and excuses. Ultimately it wasn't about helping, it was about my own feelings.

Changing that behavior and giving people , whether addicts or not, the power to make their own choices and find their own way is really a great gift I can give to people I care about. How many opportunities for feelings of success and accomplishment do I rob people of when I do it for them?

PuzzledHeart

greeteachday, yes! I used to be a computer instructor, and one of the things I really looked forward to was when students finally got the hang of the damned thing. I even had one grandmother cry in front of her keyboard because she could finally exchange e-mails with her grandkids.

I learned very quickly that I had to let students fend for themselves, as painful as it was to watch - I wasn't doing them any favors if I took over because I knew when they got home they would be helpless. And they would be back at square one.

Fortunately, my classes were free of charge to them (don't worry, I got paid!), so the really determined ones would sign up day after day until it finally clicked. And they would actually "yell" at me (with the kindest of voices) and tell me to STAY AWAY because they wanted to figure it out for themselves. And they were a motley crew, grandparents, former felons, former addicts, but they were such a good group. I miss teaching them.

Thank you LittleLight for the reminder of the "old days". I think you have my answer.

Bekindalways

Thanks for this thread Littlelight. The line between supporting people in a meaningful way and robbing them of a learning opportunity is something I've struggled with most of my life. If you figure it out. let me know.

MissUs2015

I'm of two minds about this one.

OP could convey that "hey, I'm giving you a jump start" by, say, showing the A how she found the right resources. How she filled out forms. That might free the A from his mental blocks so he can do it himself. That helps everyone.

Or

The OP wants to be needed more than she needs the addict to do that for himself. That's enabling.

Littlelight17

Thanks for the input, everyone. He is 27 yo and relies on his mother for a lot of things adults do for themselves. So he is used to passing on his responsibilities to others, but he does it so subtly it's hard to catch. I did want to give him a kickstart, but it did take up a lot of time, time I could've been focusing on myself. I spoke to a counselor for the first time last week and am scheduled to see her again (today actually!) to deal with my codependency.

I finally stood my ground and told him I couldn't be subjected to him any longer last Tuesday. After our phone call I got an "I'm really sorry" text. For the first time ever, I didn't respond. A week went by and I received another text, "I'm so sorry for everything. I hope you are doing okay and I love you so much." I had no idea how to respond if at all. I love him, but he doesn't deserve to hear that. I also don't want to tell him it's okay or I forgive him because it's not okay. It took me a day to think on it. I'm so mad at myself for even responding. I said "I don't know what to say. If you want to talk to me you can call me. It's better that way." The whole reason I didn't want to engage in a conversation through text is because I know if he's using I'm going to have to wait long periods of time between messages and, sounds pathetic, but the waiting gives me anxiety. But here I am, feeling anxious anyways, because he never responded. No text or call. I almost feel like he's trying to pay me back for taking a day to respond or for not responding with "I love you too." But who knows.

Littlelight17

Wow, that sounds like such a rewarding experience. It's hard to watch someone struggle! Sometimes you just want to do it for them, but your example really makes me understand why you shouldn't. Thanks for this.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome to SR. Read, and read some more, there is great support here!

I think codependency and enabling go hand in hand. We want to help, and take it too far to see that it's not actually helping them help themselves. He could have borrowed your computer and done those things himself. It's ok though. You did these things from your heart. It's good you are asking yourself these questions, being aware is the first step in recovery from codependency.

Something that will frustrate you is that even when you stop enabling him, someone else will. His mother, his family, whomever. There is nothing you can do about that.

One thing I learned over the years, from extensive education and counseling about addiction, is that you actually take away an addicts chance of recovery by doing it all for them. The more they put into their own life and recovery, the more they get out of it. That's why you hear all the time that addicts don't recover unless they are doing it for themselves.

I think the most important thing you can do for yourself at this point is to continue to educate yourself about codependency so you can always recognize when it's starting to take over in your relationships. You have the tools to be in a healthy relationship in the future by taking care of this now in your life.

Hugs to you. I am glad you are here. Be kind to YOU.

CaringScared

Littlelight, what you are describing is one of the reasons I got off the rollercoaster. There isn't reliability or consistency with my bf and that was damaging to me. It's not a good way to have a relationship.

MissUs2015

Codependence can get to the point of not only enabling but facilitating the addict's drug addiction to feed the need to be needed.

Littlelight, this is not your situation at all. It's not bad to provide an example of how to job search or to let your adult child get food and a shower at your house. Like someone said, if a kitten showed up, you would feed it.

My XAB and I were taking on each other's life, each becoming more obsessed, more resentful. Taking on each other's life is close to taking over the other's life--not just their life but their property. Confronted with another party to play, the addict played me. The other party was his mother.

Our relationship made his mother happy in its first weeks, then uncomfortable after that. She declared that she "loved" me (and told the addict in those words) early in my relationship with him, when I would go over with him when he requested. Every other day. Over time, I got angry with her for babying him and even more angry that I couldn't just sit down and converse with her about The Problem The Meth Problem. Oh, family chorus! She's old! (Oooh, a healthy 70!) She's frail! She's done enough already!

Like what? You keep your kid's high school bedroom the same since he graduated in 1983. Just in case, you know. Around 1995, he told you he had a meth problem. But later he said he didn't, and you need to believe that. You invite him to come on home when the girlfriend he met in 2012 gets mad about The Problem being left on kitchen table in 2014. 15. You asked him if he could handle "it" and he said it was a one-time thing and she found something old, like maybe from 1999. That mean bitch, of course you understand. You then arrange for him to live in your friend's basement--and front the friend the rent-- so he's only four doors down until he comes to live with you when you're alone. You've assured him of a million-dollar fortune when you go, once you go. He owes you, you own him, and you both know it.

You worry about his joint pains, his abscesses, his mood swings. You worry that he never found a girl, that he didn't do more with his life. You're worried that he just took off and doesn't have a coat. What if he's cold? Hungry? You worry. But it's an indulgent masturbatory worry. You know he's coming back. You know he won't talk about The Problem. And neither will you. You're the only person keeping him from his bottom, and you both know you'll do anything to keep him from reaching it.

That's a true story. That is toxic codependency.

teatreeoil007

You ask an essential question: helping or enabling? Easy to be deceived...

Littlelight17

MissUs, your story sounds so similar to mine (about the mother) it's crazy. She won't let him hit his bottom. She's also his #1 enabler. He's told me in the past that she's even given him prescription pain pills and Xanax (one of the many drugs hes abused). She's a nurse and I always wonder if she steals meds from her work. I wouldn't put it past her. Growing up my xab was tortured/molested by his step father and I feel like his mother carries a lot of guilt for staying in that relationship and exposing her kids to that, so now she wants to give them whatever they want. Even if that means enabling his addiction. I think it makes her feel better in a weird way.

Hawkeye13

I think stepping back and focusing on you is a great idea.
I would describe applying for jobs, etc. as enabling with the best intentions.

If he wants a job, he could indeed go the library and apply himself.
What do you want from life?
It seems a partner who can rely on themselves, and not their mother
or girlfriend to take care of "basic life skills" would be a minimum.

I wouldn't reach out to him via text or phone call, at least for now,
as it seems he is manipulating you by his silence.
Ask your therapist what they think.
Welcome and thank you for a very helpful thread--I have many
of the same issues with my spouse and this made reflect

Littlelight17

I wondered if it was manipulation, but what is he getting out of it? He's hurt me enough and (I think) he knows that. Why try and hurt me more with the silence? It's something I don't understand. Maybe someone can explain.

teatreeoil007

The best "helpers" are really teachers! It an attitude of: I will teach/show you how to do this for yourself....(most people actually feel better when they do things themselves, btw)

Hawkeye13

If he waits for you to call, he gains the advantage in that you will most likely
be calling to "make-up" and he can behave more freely doing what he wants,
relying on you to be walking on eggshells so you don't offend him and get into
another fight right away.

It makes space for him to continue his current behavior, in other words, because
you calling in a sense is "accepting" how he's treated you.

You not calling sends a different message that you have had enough and that
he needs to respect your boundary and treat you with respect.
Texting is rude when there is emotional harm to discuss in my view.
You suggested he call for that reason, correct? To talk things out
in a normal human way?

I think your therapist could give you far more insight than we can on this
as they know you and the situation much better.
This is just me guessing at what might be happening--you know best
but act in the way to best look after yourself, because it sounds like
he will certainly be taking care of himself as a priority.