Priscilla84

Still in the process of riding out the emotional storm, as Zoso would say. Yesterday I felt sure I had finally turned the corner. I felt good. And I felt very strongly that I was going to continue to be okay from here on out.

I couldn't have crashed any further down today. I'm back to where I was three months ago. Not wanting to eat, holding back tears at work, etc.

I guess my question comes in here- I'm not just sad about missing him. I know that's the cause of my sadness right now, but it's not the only thing that I am sad about. If that makes sense. It's like a snowball reaction. Because I am missing him so badly, I feel a sense of hopelessness in all areas of my life. I'm not excited about anything right now. Not looking forward to anything. It feels like I'll never stop missing having him in my life. It feels like I'll never get back to a level of happiness I had before I knew him. Like this one left a scar on me, and life will always be a bit dimmer from here on out.

I'm so angry. I'm angry at him, finally. And I'm angry at myself for not having progressed any further through this storm. Is it normal to feel bleak about life in general while going through this time of grief?

I don't know what I need today. I just know today is bad. Any response of encouragement, understanding, or even just distraction would be appreciated.

Thank you.

CaringScared

Is it normal? I think yes. Do you have people you can talk to about this? I find talking really helps.

And all those other things people recommend--exercise, meditation, a walk in the snow or the sunshine. Memories get less painful with time, when I've had family members die I've had that feeling of "this will NEVER get better," but the universe is kind and somehow it does.

Just keep going, keep posting. Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Ann

It is normal, it's called grief and it takes time to process it. A good cry, some journal work, talking to someone or sharing here are good ways to process the pain...but don't hang out there too long, make time each day for something special just for you, like a nice walk or treating yourself to a "new do" haircut and a manicure, or just a good bubble bath with some happy music...you figure out what you would enjoy and then do it.

The only one who holds the key to your happiness is you, you've held it all along. Take that and run with it, you'll heal sooner than you think.

Hugs

zoso77

There's no timetable on grief, Priscilla. Grief is its own thing. We can have days or weeks when we feel fine and everything's going well, and then something can trigger us and remind us of whom we've lost. For example, I got triggered last week regarding someone who was very, very important to me, and it made me extremely uncomfortable.

What has helped me cope is being aware of what I'm feeling and accepting it. Everyone we've loved and everyone we've lost, we carry in one way or another. Sometimes that's a good thing, and other times not so much. We can't change it, so we have to cut a deal with ourselves in order to sit with it. So, yes, a bad day is exceedingly normal It's part of the disorder that is the human condition.

And you're going to be fine. Trust me on this.

Priscilla84

Thanks for the support and reassurance. Days can be rough, but I need to remind myself that I usually feel a bit better at night when I can just relax a bit and not have to be around anyone or do anything for anyone.

This week has been a weird turning point. It's both bad and good. It finally sunk in that everything that has happened is not acceptable to me. Not just "that's not acceptable to me....but maybe there is some magic way to fix it and make everything okay again." No. This week it became unacceptable to me, period. No turning back. No fixing it. Past the point of no return.

It's been a big relief. No more anxiety from wondering what he is thinking or feeling or if he will reach out. None of it matters anymore. There's nothing left to wonder about or wait for. Because *I* am done. There is no turning back for *me.*

And that's really sad too.

Bekindalways

Grief often has so many stages and layers. It is really hard to go through.

In many ways I don't blame people for turning to drugs or the next relationship as it is just so ding dang dad blasted painful! In going through this Priscilla, you are doing good hard work. It will get better it just takes time!

Priscilla84

Sorry for posting a lot. Really up and down week.

I told him Wednesday I couldn't do it anymore. As in, being in his life, talking to him, being friendly or whatever. He was still reaching out to me sometimes when he was upset about something or needed to vent. And he would still reach out at time and tell me he loves me and misses me and wanted to see me to just hang out and do something fun (in public, NOT sexual at all). And I said I can't.

Now I'm second guessing that. Yes he is in active addiction and is not making any steps toward getting in recovery, which I feel validates my decision. But does it? Should I have been there for him as a "friend" with no pressure? Should I have stuck around to be supportive? I have no interest in enabling. Did I do the right thing to say I cannot keep talking and hearing that he loves me and misses me but can't be committed to me right now...while he just continues to revel in active addiction?