To wait or not for the rock bottom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 10
To wait or not for the rock bottom
Hi group, Im new here, been reading and absorbing. The stickys have been quite eye opening. I feel the need to write my story as I look for any additional insight you might have. Let me try and condense this.
My husband and I are in our early 30s with an 18 month old baby. We've been together for 13 years now, dated for 9 years before deciding that we wanted to marry, buy a house and have a baby. We were living the dream, we loved and adored each other, we fixed up a house and garden then married in our backyard. Around this time is when I noticed the drinking increasing, but it wasn't life altering, becoming more of an annoyance than anything. He wouldn't go a day without drinking, the drinks became heavier and earlier in the day.
Then about a year ago cocaine entered the picture. He hid his use from me for 6 months before I found out. During that time I complained why was he never home, he lied and said working to better our life. Once his use came out it was awful and escalated quite quickly. At that point he was using cocaine daily and drinking 7+ drinks a day. I believe cocaine to be his most immediate problem but that alcohol is his main love, using the cocaine allowed him to drink more without any drunk side effects. He could catch that vodka buzz he so loves and ride it out.
The cocaine use was so heavy and frequent that he began inducing cocaine psychosis. He became paranoid and delusional, saw things and people that didn't exist. He would turn all our outside lights off so the people wouldn't see him. He guarded our property nightly with a loaded weapon. He saw red lights down the road that were the people watching him. He saw people in night vision goggles in our yard watching him. He would leave at all hours of the night in his truck trying to get away from these people and would have run people over in his truck if given the opportunity.
I told him after finding him in this state of mind with a gun one night after putting our baby to sleep that he get help the next day or get out, that we weren't safe. He enrolled in an IOP but didn't last a week before binging and inducing a state of psychosis so bad that he checked himself into a detox program. Night 1 there he was all Im no good to anyone like this I cant continue this etc, then night 2 it was I cant wait to get out of here and have some blow and drinks, I said you can't be serious, but he was, saying a little bit is a good time a lot is what gets me in trouble.
As he checked out the next day I went to the courthouse and marchman acted him, this is like a baker act but for substance abuse. I honestly believed that he was a danger to himself and other people, that he could have easily killed someone, that if he could pause the drugs for a moment that he would gain a new perspective about his life and choices, that if his truths were now documented it certainly wouldn't hurt me to have left a paper trail and that this was the last way for me to push him toward constructive help, that I would be able to say I tried everything that I could. It killed me to do it, but oh how I loved him yet he was stuck in so much self induced craziness. The judge ordered him inpatient.
While in rehab I put together a christmas package of letters of support and encouragement from friends and family, I sent him books, wrote him my own love letters telling him how great he was, how we could get through this together, how much his baby needed him, how much he wanted our life too before he allowed it to get stolen. He remained angry and dismissive. After almost 1 month he was back home and his first night back I find a love letter he's written to a woman he met in rehab, telling her all the good things I have so desperately wanted to hear from him. As you all know the fights, the anger, the blaming, the therapy, the finger pointing, the massive amounts of hidden debt- it gets so old and hard, and here he is telling someone else how wonderful they are.
Shocked is an understatement. I took a few days to gather myself then wrote him that we should divorce, that he left me a long time ago, that our baby deserved a father and I a husband that put me first and wanted to build a life with me, that he always seems to want what he wants and what he didn't want was us. He asked me to give him 90 days, we- wait, I , tried rebuilding but what he led me to believe were 'slips' after coming home was him right back in active addiction, lying, deceiving and then actually telling me he 'gets off' on the deceit of living a double life, like 'when you steal and don't get caught.' He induced psychosis again and spend all night wigging out, ran over and smashed our mailbox. I find out later he never even read my letter other than the last paragraph as he just didn't want to 'hear it.'
I was very clear with him that I would not live with him in active addiction, so once I knew I kicked him out, for the first time he cried and apologized and asked for me not to do this to him. I said you did this to you, you knew the rules, you broke them and these are the consequences, get out, this house will not be your soft place to pass out. Several days after he left I packed up all his clothes in boxes and put them outside with a note saying that I loved him like crazy, but that enough was enough and that I so badly hoped he would develop the desire to turn his life around before it was too late for us. That was 2 weeks ago and we haven't really communicated since.
The sticky written about potential really hit me this week, I have been so desperately trying to get him to reach his potential, for him to turn back into the man I loved and married, this all just happened so quickly and during such a wonderful time in our life, part of me is still in denial, like if I could find the switch I could change him back, like if he gets a little more time he will change.
But in trying to help him reach his potential, which he seems to not want to do, I am losing all of mine, it's killing me and I am becoming a person I dont want to be and I wont let his addictions steal my worth. I texted him something along these lines a couple nights ago with no response. I want so much more out of life and I have told him that time and time again but he doesn't change. So I feel stuck with one foot out the door and one foot left wanting the infamous rock bottom to be reached and him to want to change but feeling like I am out of time as far as waiting. It's too hard raising the baby while worrying about him. And it makes me so sad to be living our life that we created and dreamt of alone. The when does pain stop sticky also hit me, it's time for the pain to stop I just so desperately thought he would allow it to stop vs me leaving him. Perhaps the hard reality is that the cocaine simply escalated the time period of what would have been a bad life for myself. So sad.
My husband and I are in our early 30s with an 18 month old baby. We've been together for 13 years now, dated for 9 years before deciding that we wanted to marry, buy a house and have a baby. We were living the dream, we loved and adored each other, we fixed up a house and garden then married in our backyard. Around this time is when I noticed the drinking increasing, but it wasn't life altering, becoming more of an annoyance than anything. He wouldn't go a day without drinking, the drinks became heavier and earlier in the day.
Then about a year ago cocaine entered the picture. He hid his use from me for 6 months before I found out. During that time I complained why was he never home, he lied and said working to better our life. Once his use came out it was awful and escalated quite quickly. At that point he was using cocaine daily and drinking 7+ drinks a day. I believe cocaine to be his most immediate problem but that alcohol is his main love, using the cocaine allowed him to drink more without any drunk side effects. He could catch that vodka buzz he so loves and ride it out.
The cocaine use was so heavy and frequent that he began inducing cocaine psychosis. He became paranoid and delusional, saw things and people that didn't exist. He would turn all our outside lights off so the people wouldn't see him. He guarded our property nightly with a loaded weapon. He saw red lights down the road that were the people watching him. He saw people in night vision goggles in our yard watching him. He would leave at all hours of the night in his truck trying to get away from these people and would have run people over in his truck if given the opportunity.
I told him after finding him in this state of mind with a gun one night after putting our baby to sleep that he get help the next day or get out, that we weren't safe. He enrolled in an IOP but didn't last a week before binging and inducing a state of psychosis so bad that he checked himself into a detox program. Night 1 there he was all Im no good to anyone like this I cant continue this etc, then night 2 it was I cant wait to get out of here and have some blow and drinks, I said you can't be serious, but he was, saying a little bit is a good time a lot is what gets me in trouble.
As he checked out the next day I went to the courthouse and marchman acted him, this is like a baker act but for substance abuse. I honestly believed that he was a danger to himself and other people, that he could have easily killed someone, that if he could pause the drugs for a moment that he would gain a new perspective about his life and choices, that if his truths were now documented it certainly wouldn't hurt me to have left a paper trail and that this was the last way for me to push him toward constructive help, that I would be able to say I tried everything that I could. It killed me to do it, but oh how I loved him yet he was stuck in so much self induced craziness. The judge ordered him inpatient.
While in rehab I put together a christmas package of letters of support and encouragement from friends and family, I sent him books, wrote him my own love letters telling him how great he was, how we could get through this together, how much his baby needed him, how much he wanted our life too before he allowed it to get stolen. He remained angry and dismissive. After almost 1 month he was back home and his first night back I find a love letter he's written to a woman he met in rehab, telling her all the good things I have so desperately wanted to hear from him. As you all know the fights, the anger, the blaming, the therapy, the finger pointing, the massive amounts of hidden debt- it gets so old and hard, and here he is telling someone else how wonderful they are.
Shocked is an understatement. I took a few days to gather myself then wrote him that we should divorce, that he left me a long time ago, that our baby deserved a father and I a husband that put me first and wanted to build a life with me, that he always seems to want what he wants and what he didn't want was us. He asked me to give him 90 days, we- wait, I , tried rebuilding but what he led me to believe were 'slips' after coming home was him right back in active addiction, lying, deceiving and then actually telling me he 'gets off' on the deceit of living a double life, like 'when you steal and don't get caught.' He induced psychosis again and spend all night wigging out, ran over and smashed our mailbox. I find out later he never even read my letter other than the last paragraph as he just didn't want to 'hear it.'
I was very clear with him that I would not live with him in active addiction, so once I knew I kicked him out, for the first time he cried and apologized and asked for me not to do this to him. I said you did this to you, you knew the rules, you broke them and these are the consequences, get out, this house will not be your soft place to pass out. Several days after he left I packed up all his clothes in boxes and put them outside with a note saying that I loved him like crazy, but that enough was enough and that I so badly hoped he would develop the desire to turn his life around before it was too late for us. That was 2 weeks ago and we haven't really communicated since.
The sticky written about potential really hit me this week, I have been so desperately trying to get him to reach his potential, for him to turn back into the man I loved and married, this all just happened so quickly and during such a wonderful time in our life, part of me is still in denial, like if I could find the switch I could change him back, like if he gets a little more time he will change.
But in trying to help him reach his potential, which he seems to not want to do, I am losing all of mine, it's killing me and I am becoming a person I dont want to be and I wont let his addictions steal my worth. I texted him something along these lines a couple nights ago with no response. I want so much more out of life and I have told him that time and time again but he doesn't change. So I feel stuck with one foot out the door and one foot left wanting the infamous rock bottom to be reached and him to want to change but feeling like I am out of time as far as waiting. It's too hard raising the baby while worrying about him. And it makes me so sad to be living our life that we created and dreamt of alone. The when does pain stop sticky also hit me, it's time for the pain to stop I just so desperately thought he would allow it to stop vs me leaving him. Perhaps the hard reality is that the cocaine simply escalated the time period of what would have been a bad life for myself. So sad.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
I've found it impossible to assign what other peoples bottoms should look like. Every time I think they must have hit one...they get a shovel and keep on digging.
So, to me the best thing is to figure out what MY bottom is.
So, to me the best thing is to figure out what MY bottom is.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 23
I wish I had words of comfort for you right now. But I do want to say I'm so sorry for what you are having to go through right now and I truly admire your strength and resilience.
I'm so glad you posted and have found this forum. It's been such a support for me the past month and hope you find it is as much of a support. Hope you continue posting.
I'm so glad you posted and have found this forum. It's been such a support for me the past month and hope you find it is as much of a support. Hope you continue posting.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry too, for the pain you have been through. Unfortumately it's a common story here and I hope you find some comfort from others who have been where you are.
You have a child to take care of, this child deserves a safe and loving home free from the dangers and chaos of addiction.
I hope you find the courage to carry on taking care of yourself and your child. You deserve better, so much better. That won't make it hurt any less right now but one day soon this won't hurt as much.
Hugs
You have a child to take care of, this child deserves a safe and loving home free from the dangers and chaos of addiction.
I hope you find the courage to carry on taking care of yourself and your child. You deserve better, so much better. That won't make it hurt any less right now but one day soon this won't hurt as much.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 10
Thanks to each one of you for reading and providing me support and courage, I appreciate it more than you know!
I've made an appt to see a lawyer and start a divorce, it saddens me greatly to do it but I do not see any other path here. I literally tried everything, I fought a great fight, but it is ultimately not my fight to fight, and that's hard to realize. It is also very very hard for me to accept this is my life and that my well thought out and carefully laid plans just exploded in my face.
I am not prepared to live with an endless rock bottom and I knew mine was reached when I found the love letter he wrote to another woman.
This is just such a waste of life, addiction is a waste of life and life is too beautiful and short to waste! As far as I know we only get one shot at this thing called life and I want mine to be the best I can make it! Very very hard to know it wont be with him, he was everything to me and has been my best friend for a 1/3 of my life until he unexpectedly just walked away.
I've made an appt to see a lawyer and start a divorce, it saddens me greatly to do it but I do not see any other path here. I literally tried everything, I fought a great fight, but it is ultimately not my fight to fight, and that's hard to realize. It is also very very hard for me to accept this is my life and that my well thought out and carefully laid plans just exploded in my face.
I am not prepared to live with an endless rock bottom and I knew mine was reached when I found the love letter he wrote to another woman.
This is just such a waste of life, addiction is a waste of life and life is too beautiful and short to waste! As far as I know we only get one shot at this thing called life and I want mine to be the best I can make it! Very very hard to know it wont be with him, he was everything to me and has been my best friend for a 1/3 of my life until he unexpectedly just walked away.
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