A rough year - is divorce inevitable?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Winter, thanks for the update.
She's been sober a week, that's a start. But it will take much longer than that to repair the damage that has been done. I hope you both realize that and are realistic in your expectations.
Another thought, is this ONLY "I stopped smoking pot/drinking for a week"
OR
"I stopped smoking pot/drinking for a week" AND "I'm going to therapy with somebody who specializes in addiction and look into why I ended up here in the first place" AND "I'm going to develop a recovery plan"
because if she's ONLY quitting pot/alcohol and not doing the rest of the work it's not going to look pretty. My sister swears up and down that she quit, but she's still in a lot of trouble, and she still refuses to take responsibility for the hurt that she inflicted on the family. So my mom, dad, and I are just completely tapped out.
Are you afraid that if you move forward with the divorce it will drive her back into addiction?
Good to hear from you.
She is now sober for a week and promising the world.
Another thought, is this ONLY "I stopped smoking pot/drinking for a week"
OR
"I stopped smoking pot/drinking for a week" AND "I'm going to therapy with somebody who specializes in addiction and look into why I ended up here in the first place" AND "I'm going to develop a recovery plan"
because if she's ONLY quitting pot/alcohol and not doing the rest of the work it's not going to look pretty. My sister swears up and down that she quit, but she's still in a lot of trouble, and she still refuses to take responsibility for the hurt that she inflicted on the family. So my mom, dad, and I are just completely tapped out.
Are you afraid that if you move forward with the divorce it will drive her back into addiction?
Good to hear from you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 17
This is amazing, one year later I am still here. I wanted to say that I have gone back and read my words and they chill me to the bone. I have done some huge changes in the last year as I am now providing my children everything they need. I am going to talk to my wife this week about divorce. I have papers ready. I am thankful that I sought lawyer help despite the cost. I am feeling in a scary place, but at the same time I am looking at accepting and loving the part of me that got me here in the first place. I've learned a lot this year, my kids are doing as best they as they can with daddy always available to them. My wife is a crazy mess still and refuses to accept my divorce. I did not have papers when we discussed it in January 2017 finally, that was a big mistake. Frankly I did not see that I was ready in some ways. But now I am, scared for my kids, but not scared enough to stay in this horrible nightmare of being with a monster who will do anything for pot.
Thank you all for listening, I hope for some tips on how to talk straight with an addict about divorce. I am getting the "why don't you love me unconditionally?" while I go New Orleans for 12 days of hedonism..... I have a meeting a thearpist this week to help me talk strong and laser honed about what I WANT for a change.
She has been addicted the whole rest of 2016 and had a month break, then several drive drunk situations and lots of trips to New Orleans. I've stayed here with the kids; they love me and I love them and I know that this change will be better for them. My wife works full time (sort of) now and I am not working because of an illness I got. I don't know how I did it, but I got a few brain surgeries in during this nightmare and I am finally well. I can see things so much clearer. I did not realise that for much of the past year that hydrocephalus has been affecting my perceptions. However, now its time to act.
Just to ask again, any comments about asking your addict to divorce? I'll do a search, but I find these stories such a source of strength. That I am not unique and not alone
Thank you all for listening, I hope for some tips on how to talk straight with an addict about divorce. I am getting the "why don't you love me unconditionally?" while I go New Orleans for 12 days of hedonism..... I have a meeting a thearpist this week to help me talk strong and laser honed about what I WANT for a change.
She has been addicted the whole rest of 2016 and had a month break, then several drive drunk situations and lots of trips to New Orleans. I've stayed here with the kids; they love me and I love them and I know that this change will be better for them. My wife works full time (sort of) now and I am not working because of an illness I got. I don't know how I did it, but I got a few brain surgeries in during this nightmare and I am finally well. I can see things so much clearer. I did not realise that for much of the past year that hydrocephalus has been affecting my perceptions. However, now its time to act.
Just to ask again, any comments about asking your addict to divorce? I'll do a search, but I find these stories such a source of strength. That I am not unique and not alone
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I'm so glad you came back to update us on what's been happening. It sounds like you've gotten your ducks in a row.
Since I have no experience in your situation, I'm reluctant to give advice. However, I would make sure your kids were in a safe place and also make sure you avoid the infamous circular arguments that can make your head spin. Others I'm sure could chime in with specifics.
Since I have no experience in your situation, I'm reluctant to give advice. However, I would make sure your kids were in a safe place and also make sure you avoid the infamous circular arguments that can make your head spin. Others I'm sure could chime in with specifics.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 17
Hi PuzzeledHHeart,
I finally did it. We are split and I am the primary custody for the kids. It has been wonderful to finally see this hell take a back seat. She admits nothing about the dope and that being a factor, but oh well I don't need to convince of that
thank you and to others who posted to me last year. It helped me so much, and took a year to get to this point. Thank you all so much!
I finally did it. We are split and I am the primary custody for the kids. It has been wonderful to finally see this hell take a back seat. She admits nothing about the dope and that being a factor, but oh well I don't need to convince of that
thank you and to others who posted to me last year. It helped me so much, and took a year to get to this point. Thank you all so much!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Originally Posted by Winter245 
Hi PuzzeledHHeart,
I finally did it. We are split and I am the primary custody for the kids. It has been wonderful to finally see this hell take a back seat. She admits nothing about the dope and that being a factor, but oh well I don't need to convince of that thank you and to others who posted to me last year. It helped me so much, and took a year to get to this point. Thank you all so much!
I finally did it. We are split and I am the primary custody for the kids. It has been wonderful to finally see this hell take a back seat. She admits nothing about the dope and that being a factor, but oh well I don't need to convince of that
thank you and to others who posted to me last year. It helped me so much, and took a year to get to this point. Thank you all so much!My hope for you in the days and months to come, you find some semblance of balance and calm. It may take awhile, but that's OK. Long term, I'm quite certain that you'll get there. Thanks for the update.
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