my 17yo son

Old 02-04-2016, 04:34 PM
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Cat,

I'm sorry to report his behavior is typical of an addict. They tend to think they are special humans and that rules and consequences don't apply... Seeing it in my son would probably make me stroke out after dealing with it in my husband.

I've posted to the Floyd P Garrett articles at least once a week. I recommend them - highly.

So he's been worked up and doesn't have anxiety, OCD or depression. He just wants to get high. But he does have a brain issue now after this accident. And he got off easy again with the police.

What do you and his father want to do? Aworriedfather had a structured plan and that isn't really working. Hummingbird has a current story unfolding with her son too. I think it is soul wrenching to kick your kid out of the home. I think being a parent of an addict is torture. Tough love for an addict young adult is doing the opposite of what we are taught or Experienced About parenting.

Peace. Work towards that.
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Old 02-05-2016, 12:34 AM
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Originally Posted by CodeJob View Post
Cat,

I'm sorry to report his behavior is typical of an addict. They tend to think they are special humans and that rules and consequences don't apply... Seeing it in my son would probably make me stroke out after dealing with it in my husband.
Thank you.

Well, he is true to form with your above statement.

He left with his mates in a car despite being told it was not a good idea considering his injury and secondly we have a boundary in place. He was told the consequence of leaving the house but he left anyway. So now I have the doors locked. He has no shoes on and no wallet so he fits the homeless look just fine.

He hadn't even been out of the house for 15mins and the police phoned about his accident - there will be no charges because there was no vehicle involved. I spoke to the police officer and asked her advice regarding where to go for help. She gave me the number of the police liaison youth officer so I will make contact next week.

I can't believe this is happening.

He had a Dr appt today for a check-up and more medication. He was told it was the last script for the that dosage level. He also gave him a referral for the rehab clinic.



hopeful4 - you are right. He is very immature.

Ann - I can't take away his phone. He owns it and pays for himself.
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Old 02-05-2016, 06:57 AM
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Welcome, cat5!

It's extremely difficult to witness a child continuing to choose a risky and negative lifestyle and who is not interested (!) in available supports and help, and I understand your pain. We experienced a situation similar to yours with my son from the time he was about 15 until he moved out of our house a couple of years ago (he's now 24). My son turning 18 was especially significant in that the law recognized him as being responsible for his actions and he had to face consequences (ended up in jail at one point, which was a good thing).

Of course, it goes without saying that parenting can be an arduous task and then even more so when drugs and rebellion crop up; it's difficult sometimes to decide what's the best path when you're right in the thick of it, I know, and especially when the teen is a minor.

Hoping your son heals quickly from his injury, and best wishes for your other children, too.

Wishes for strength and peace for you and your family. Keep coming back
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Old 02-05-2016, 02:28 PM
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Something broke inside me last night. I don't think if it can be fixed.

When my AS returned home I had all the doors locked so he couldn't come in. Told him to wait in the backyard because he father would be home soon.

My husband and I had a plan and we had discussed the boundaries. I had phoned to him to tell him of AS's actions and we agreed we would lock him out. He had no wallet on him, no shoes and he would finally find out what it was like to loose the comfort of home and have to rely on his 'mates' ...

As soon as my husband walked through the backdoor he let AS in, called him affectionately a 'meathead' and handed a new pair of shoes. I protested to no avail, my husband let AS talk to me disrespectfully in front of him (he condoned it by not shutting him down?). AS had his rant about how stupid my rules are and blatantly said I never explained the consequences to him all while helping himself to the food I cooked. I could not believe what I was seeing and hearing. So I left for two hours. Two hours of aimlessly driving around and crying. I had no one to talk to and no place where I could let all this out. It hurts.

I haven't spoke to neither of them in 12hrs and I'm shaken to my core. Maybe I am the one who needs to leave the house. It is frightening to think this way but I cannot continue to live this way. The last two years have been exhausting and draining.
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Old 02-05-2016, 04:54 PM
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Oh my dear, I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I could have been a shoulder to cry on. Maybe you should go away somewhere for a bit. Is there anywhere you can stay or retreat to? That kind of betrayal from a spouse is really, really hard to take in the midst of this very shaky situation. Do you know why your husband acted against your agreement? The only thing I can think is FEAR. Fear of losing him somehow, guilt, regret...it all creeps in when we make and try to hold on to these painful decisions with our addicted child. I hope you get some rest and that you can find someone to talk with, in person. Any NarAnon meetings where you live? They have helped me in my darkest hours. You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight. I have been in your shoes and walked this journey.
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Old 02-05-2016, 05:01 PM
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Cat...

Your husband is the sicker one. The two of you agreed on a course of action, and he bailed on it...probably because he couldn't handle the idea of your AS not being able to be inside the house. So he caved...and what happened happened. I'm so sorry.

I must admit I'm out of my depth here...what your husband did was like giving a fire a fresh supply of oxygen, and now the house is going up in flames. Reach out to our moms...GardenMama, Ann, ilovemysonjj to name three. They'll help you through this.
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Old 02-05-2016, 07:43 PM
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Oh oh.

I have found much of this counselor's blog very helpful. I think she has some great hints about keeping situations calm and getting parents to team up.

?All of my friends? kids/spouses are successful, mine is struggling. What do I say to them?? |
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Old 02-05-2016, 09:05 PM
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Originally Posted by cat5 View Post
As soon as my husband walked through the backdoor he let AS in, called him affectionately a 'meathead' and handed a new pair of shoes. I protested to no avail, my husband let AS talk to me disrespectfully in front of him (he condoned it by not shutting him down?). .
I too would be angry. Hugely undermining to you, disrespectful. I am sorry to hear your husband chose to enable your son and approved of his behavior. Maybe (when you feel up to it) you might ask your husband what was he thinking at the time? Was it about fear as GardenMama had suggested?

As some at this site have said, "Nothing changes if nothing changes."

Hugs
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Old 02-06-2016, 12:24 PM
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cat.....I know that I have written to you about this before.....but, here goes again...lol.....

Have you aborted the idea of residential treatment/living? Especially, since he is still 17yrs. of age....you still have legal leverage.....
This seems too big and critical for you to "handle" alone....especially, without the support of your husband....
Strangers (who are trained) are much better at dealing than parental figures, at this age.....

You need a suppo rt group sooo badly.....face to face people that you can talk to ......

(also..don't forget that he has opiates on board....that affects a persons judgement as much as a belly full of liquor....)

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Old 02-06-2016, 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
cat.....I know that I have written to you about this before.....but, here goes again...lol.....

Have you aborted the idea of residential treatment/living? Especially, since he is still 17yrs. of age....you still have legal leverage.....
This seems too big and critical for you to "handle" alone....especially, without the support of your husband....
Strangers (who are trained) are much better at dealing than parental figures, at this age.....

You need a suppo rt group sooo badly.....face to face people that you can talk to ......

(also..don't forget that he has opiates on board....that affects a persons judgement as much as a belly full of liquor....)

dandylion
Thanks dandylion.

Last Friday I got the Dr to refer AS to a rehab centre. I am still to make a call for an appt since the drama that unfolded that afternoon.

I cleaned out his room Thursday. I found numerous bits of foil, lighters, tobacco & filters, spray cans, energy drinks, beer cans and wine bladders. I also found one of our kitchen knives and some spoons - the spoons don't look like they have been cooked up but who really knows... it sounds even worse now that I am rereading it.

Anaya & GardenMama - my husband is not good with confrontation. He rarely gets angry. He is truly a big softie and I think would like to bury his head in the sand - hence when I asked him to be the one to take AS to the police station he said he 'no'. He has taken AS to the emergency ward to get stitched up once before ( accident while stoned) and has taken him to the Dr to get the referral and attend the psychologist appts. AS also called his father when one of his friends OD. The others all fled but AS stayed with the friend and got help. AS was so shook up by the event that we thought that would be the end of his 'drug phase'.

I am not good with support groups. I am not good with sharing (apart from behind a computer screen). I am seriously thinking about asking our Dr for a referral to a psychologist for myself. The Dr is aware of the stresses our family is under so it won't be like I am breaking new ground on this one.

Thanks again for talking to me. I am beyond grateful.
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Old 02-07-2016, 07:01 AM
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Your idea to seek counseling is positive. I found reaching out for support very helpful. I felt isolated - very isolated - even though I was around people at home, socially, and at work.

Of course, with our family dynamic, maybe it was a little easier to cope, in that my oldest child was already out of the home, in college, when the rollercoaster ride began. Our son was the only child still in the nest.

Point taken about your husband. It was the opposite in my home - I was the one hesitant to detach and to make tough decisions; in my heart and as a parent, I thought I was doing what was best. It took years for me to come to the conclusion I was enabling my son and to finally decide enough is enough, to move forward to a safer and positive environment. Finding and then participating at SR was a big plus.

Last edited by Anaya; 02-07-2016 at 07:05 AM. Reason: wording
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Old 02-07-2016, 08:11 AM
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cat5.....I think that seeing a psychologist would be excellent for you. As a matter of fact, take any help...anywhere you can find it!!
I have long observed that those who are willing to reach out for help and accept help when it is offered, are the ones who heal the best.....

Oh, and, just for the record...support groups are not something that a person is "good at" or "not good at". support is something to be received during a bad time...from others that CARE....It is not a performance that is graded.....

I am hoping that the rehab center is a residential one. I am thinking that they h ave staff that you can meet with.....if so, they can help with discharge planning.....and, I am thinking that a sober living situation would be a good thing for him.....
It sounds like his mates are a seedy lot that are not at all good for him to be running with.......
The more distance from them...the better!

You need a break from all this....and he needs a more structured environment....

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