First time speaking out
 

Good morning all

Big step for me, no one we know, knows of our problems so I don't speak about it. Ever. My boyfriend of 8years with whom I have 3 daughters with was a cocaine addict prior to us meeting, he went to rehab in South Africa (we are in the UK) and I was extremely naive assumed he was cured.

he has an addictive personality - weed which he gave up 4 years ago, cigarettes which he quit in October. He drinks most nights, gambles, porn. Most recently it seems to be Rennie and indigestion medicine.

Now since we've had children, I've gained knowledge in his behaviour, every now and again I 'catch him' out. I've got cocaine swab tests which have saved my sanity. Generally it's every 6months or so, but last night I had a feeling and wiped the toilet lid and it was positive. So I asked him, he obviously denied it but text me after I went to bed and admitted it. It was 3 weeks ago when I last caught him purely by accident. So I'm guessing it's creeping up on him again.

I don't even know where I'm heading with this. No one knows, I have no one to talk to. This has massively helped just writing it down.

We're flying to Vegas next month for a 4week trip of a lifetime. We're meant to be getting married. Sadly I don't think I can do it. At some point I need to be able to get my children and walk away.

Had I been more wise I wish I'd never met him. Though obviously I've got my beautiful girls

Welcome, sammy. So sorry to hear you're going through this, but there's many people here who know all too well what it's like, so you are not alone. Addiction can be a longrollercoaster ride. It's up to you (and all of us) how long we choose to ride. Have you looked into seeing a medical professional who you can talk to? Just having typed this out has helped I'm sure. You, like the rest of us, need someone you can talk to who can help you sort through your thoughts and feelings.

Has your boyfriend sought treatment recently? Has he tried being a part of a recovery community like AA? Sounds like he's not going to conquer this on his own.

Wishing you and your girls the best!

Sammy, you are wise to pause the wedding plans right now, it doesn't look like he is heading any place good with his addiction. I am sorry you and your girls are going through all this.

Stick around, you are not alone here, many have been where you are and their stories may help you decide how you want to deal with all this.

Hugs

Thank you for your kind words. It's a massive emotional roller coaster. I can't do it anymore on my own. No he speaks to no one about it. We spend our lives going around in circles :-(

Time for you to hop out of the circle and seek some help and healing for yourself. Unfortunately when loving an addict we have to reach the point where we choose to care for the emotional damage it has caused us whether they choose to seek help at the same time or not. It's much easier said than done. I am just starting to get help for myself so I know. I can tell you I've never felt more at peace with my situation than now though. You can feel this peace too. I have an AH and we have a child together, so very similar situations. Seeking help alone will seem scary, but will only bring strength to you during this time you need it most.