mamaof3boyz

So when I was about 7 years old my mother was beat up by my drunk father on the 4th of July...I saw the whole thing. I will never forget it. That night when we were home my father wanted to light some fireworks with me. I didn't want to, I was very uncomfortable but went outside with him any way. He said he was upset because my mother wasn't talking to him. However he did it, he made me feel so bad for HIM. He seemed really sad and said mom was angry with him and hoped she wouldn't be for long. I felt sorry for him and told my mom not to be mad any more.
So fast forward to tonight my RAH and I have been fighting all day. He has been awful. We had a huge blow out because he freaks out over the littlest things and I just couldn't take it any more. Any way to make a long story short, I was outside with my youngest and my 7 year old comes outside and says " I don't want you and Daddy to fight any more" It brought me back to that night when my father hurt my mom. I didn't answer my son then he said it again, "Mom I don't want you and daddy to fight." I asked him....Did daddy tell you to say that? He said yes....wow I thought, How dare he put my little boy in the middle. Am I overly sensitive or is this somewhat the same as what my father did? Am I being trivial?

SparkleKitty

It is exactly the same, and it is likely not a coincidence that you are involved with someone like your father. We are drawn to what is familiar, for better or worse, but once our eyes are open, though, they are much more difficult to close again.

ladyscribbler

I am so sorry you and your son experienced that. My alcoholic father also did that. Manipulated me and my brother into taking "his side" when he was abusive to our mother. I remember once after they were separated she was dropping us off for a visit and he picked her up and threw her down the garage steps. That night he came into my room and sat on the edge of the bed and cried (literally sobbed like a child) about how much he loved us all and that she was keeping us from being a family.
I actually felt sorry for him then too. It's part of the abuse cycle, along with making you feel like you are too sensitive or overreacting.
And of course I ended up with a few men just like him too. It took a lot of time and work on my part to do it, but I am healing now. You can break the cycle. Please take care. We are here for you.

AnvilheadII

my RAH and I have been fighting all day. He has been awful. We had a huge blow out because he freaks out over the littlest things and I just couldn't take it any more.

Mom I don't want you and daddy to fight

regardless of whether or not you feel your AH manipulated your young son to SAY that, he was exposed to his two sources of survival fighting ALL DAY. he has no choice. children know instinctually that they rely upon their parents in order to keep breathing. they cannot fend for themselves, and they KNOW that. so when the parents/the protectors are fully engaged in rage events, completely consumed with it, the child's very existence is threatened.

if hank and i raise our voices, perhaps just in a passionate discussion, or an argument, the dogs go outside and park themselves up the driveway AWAY from us. they want no part of it. and they will not come back in the house until we are once again calm.

Hawkeye13

Yes, I did the same as your dogs or tried to fix things by getting in the middle of the screaming fights.

Here I am 51 years old now, and I still sleep with a pillow on my head to muffle sound
and feel more secure just like I did to hide and drown out the fighting.

It really hurts kids to live with that, and yes, he was using your child to
manipulate you.

mamaof3boyz

Oh my gosh, I know arguing in front of kids is wrong, however I didn't want to believe we were affecting the boys so much...probably because it's nothing compared to what I experienced as a young girl. I feel awful and dumb. Buy mostly sad for my sons.