How to tell your overbearing mother about your recovering addict boyfriend
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How to tell your overbearing mother about your recovering addict boyfriend
Ok. I am a 32 year old single mom who is going through a divorce. With that being said, my son and I live with my mother currently until I can get on my feet. I moved back home to NC when I finally got a job to be around my family for support through all of this. When I started my job, I met someone who has swept me off my feet. He is in a rehabilitation program and it is one of the toughest in this part of the state. I was hesitant about it at first, but he has been honest with me from day one and has opened up to me about his addiction. He has been cocaine free for almost two years and he is adamant about staying sober. He has and is continuing to change his life. We pray with each other each night before bed over the phone and he has been moving up in his phases. My mother still likes to think that I am 15. She has threatened me before when I wanted to start dating, that she was going to get my ex to take my son away from me, so I am terrified of telling her that I really like this man and that I would like to see where it goes. She knows about him, but not to the extent that we are in a relationship together. She thinks we are just friends at work.How would you all suggest that I go about telling her with out any threats or her going bat crap crazy on me. She is VERY judgemental. She knows about his past as she has looked at his record in the court system...But I know if she was to meet him, she would really like him and see how much we care about each other. Please help.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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SLC...
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the step to post. Others will be by to greet you in due course, but since I'm up first, I'd like to share my thoughts with you.
You have walked into a potentially precarious situation with your RABF. Even after you deal with your mother and whatever she has to throw at you, the potential for bad things to happen will still exist for you and, by extension, your son. I've never been through a divorce, but I imagine it must be traumatic for you in a sense. I would hate to see you go through another trauma.
So since you've asked, here's two things to consider:
* I would read a lot of posts here from women who have started up relationships with someone in fairly early recovery. Learn as much as you can from those posts, for this will prepare you (in theory) for what may lie ahead.
* Regarding your mother...she's your mom. At the heart of her being "judgmental" is likely a deep love for you and your son. That's something you have to keep in mind. But what this really comes down to, SLC, is boundaries. She is entitled to think and feel what she wants. You are entitled to make your own decisions. If you opt to tell her about your RABF while you continue to live with her, you'll have to be prepared for what she'll say. It may not be very nice. So keep your cool. Deep breaths. And then calmly point out that you've heard her, you appreciate her input, but that you will make your own decisions, and you are not seeking anyone's permission. Period. Be respectful. Don't visibly get angry. If you feel you're about to pop off, walk away and don't reengage. Most importantly, make sure your son is nowhere to be found in the event you and your mother have this confrontation.
Also keep in mind that you can choose to not tell her anything.
Anyways, this is getting long, and I've given you a lot to absorb. My hope is it resonates with you. If not, that's OK, too. Just be careful going forward.
And again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the step to post. Others will be by to greet you in due course, but since I'm up first, I'd like to share my thoughts with you.
You have walked into a potentially precarious situation with your RABF. Even after you deal with your mother and whatever she has to throw at you, the potential for bad things to happen will still exist for you and, by extension, your son. I've never been through a divorce, but I imagine it must be traumatic for you in a sense. I would hate to see you go through another trauma.
So since you've asked, here's two things to consider:
* I would read a lot of posts here from women who have started up relationships with someone in fairly early recovery. Learn as much as you can from those posts, for this will prepare you (in theory) for what may lie ahead.
* Regarding your mother...she's your mom. At the heart of her being "judgmental" is likely a deep love for you and your son. That's something you have to keep in mind. But what this really comes down to, SLC, is boundaries. She is entitled to think and feel what she wants. You are entitled to make your own decisions. If you opt to tell her about your RABF while you continue to live with her, you'll have to be prepared for what she'll say. It may not be very nice. So keep your cool. Deep breaths. And then calmly point out that you've heard her, you appreciate her input, but that you will make your own decisions, and you are not seeking anyone's permission. Period. Be respectful. Don't visibly get angry. If you feel you're about to pop off, walk away and don't reengage. Most importantly, make sure your son is nowhere to be found in the event you and your mother have this confrontation.
Also keep in mind that you can choose to not tell her anything.
Anyways, this is getting long, and I've given you a lot to absorb. My hope is it resonates with you. If not, that's OK, too. Just be careful going forward.
And again, Welcome to the Board.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Did your mom threaten to have your ex come and take your son over the idea you would date.in general or just this man?
Either way I see your dilemma. She is judging someone she doesnt know, who suffered with addiction but has spent two years healing.
I think you only have two options. Go straight to it and heed her wrath. Knowing your an adult and capable of making your own decisions. This would be difficult while living with her?
Or slowly find a way to bring him in where she can get to know him, his values, how he is living,and make it so he isnt a threat. Then gradually let it grow and hope for the best.
Do you all go to church? Could maybe she meet him this way? Or social function? Im sensing his values match yours so far, and yours may be close to your moms? Id use those things in common. Traits she values. Even helping with a chore at her home? Ice breakers.
Either way I see your dilemma. She is judging someone she doesnt know, who suffered with addiction but has spent two years healing.
I think you only have two options. Go straight to it and heed her wrath. Knowing your an adult and capable of making your own decisions. This would be difficult while living with her?
Or slowly find a way to bring him in where she can get to know him, his values, how he is living,and make it so he isnt a threat. Then gradually let it grow and hope for the best.
Do you all go to church? Could maybe she meet him this way? Or social function? Im sensing his values match yours so far, and yours may be close to your moms? Id use those things in common. Traits she values. Even helping with a chore at her home? Ice breakers.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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hello and welcome. as the mom of a 32 year old.....while your mom may be taking her concerns for your well being and that of your son, i GET where she is coming from.
you are going through a divorce which means at this point you are still legally married to someone else and that process has not been resolved as yet. that is not to say that you are still bound to the soon to be ex, only that you are still entangled WITH him. and you since you are not at the finish line yet, you have yet to fully come to terms with all that transpired - the good, the bad, the ugly.
she opened her home to you so you could regroup and get your feet under you.
you get a new job and immediately fall hard for a co-worker, which is a big no no in the work environment.
he is in recovery from coke addiction. "almost" two years is not a long time - altho i'm sure that seems so to you. he is still rebuilding his life and is still highly susceptible to relapse. coke is wicked sneaky drug....the addiction is almost entirely mental, so while you may not have had any of the drug in your system for a long time, the brain remembers......
he is still in a rehab program.....and still "moving up" in the phases of the program. yet he zeroed in on you - swept you off your feet.
IMHO, that all adds up to you still be on shaky ground in this new chapter of your life. you are vulnerable and probably starved for male attention. you must keep your wits about you.....now more than ever. proceed with caution, make WISE choices that are well thought out and not ruled by the heart. consider what is best FOR YOUR SON in all decisions you contemplate.
you are going through a divorce which means at this point you are still legally married to someone else and that process has not been resolved as yet. that is not to say that you are still bound to the soon to be ex, only that you are still entangled WITH him. and you since you are not at the finish line yet, you have yet to fully come to terms with all that transpired - the good, the bad, the ugly.
she opened her home to you so you could regroup and get your feet under you.
you get a new job and immediately fall hard for a co-worker, which is a big no no in the work environment.
he is in recovery from coke addiction. "almost" two years is not a long time - altho i'm sure that seems so to you. he is still rebuilding his life and is still highly susceptible to relapse. coke is wicked sneaky drug....the addiction is almost entirely mental, so while you may not have had any of the drug in your system for a long time, the brain remembers......
he is still in a rehab program.....and still "moving up" in the phases of the program. yet he zeroed in on you - swept you off your feet.
IMHO, that all adds up to you still be on shaky ground in this new chapter of your life. you are vulnerable and probably starved for male attention. you must keep your wits about you.....now more than ever. proceed with caution, make WISE choices that are well thought out and not ruled by the heart. consider what is best FOR YOUR SON in all decisions you contemplate.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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In my estimation, you are in a tough situation..living with your mom and depending on her. And the tough situation will continue for as long as you depend on her. I understand that you've fallen in love with someone, but I also understand that you are in the midst of divorce and many folks feel that after a divorce you need to wait for a period of time before getting into a new relationship. You love this man though and I totally empathize how you are feeling. I guess I don't really have the best answers...
But--the title of this thread tells us something: You have an overbearing mother and she may never change, but you can establish boundaries with her and not let her run your life and/or control you. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well...being in love with a recovering addict can be challenging too...
But--the title of this thread tells us something: You have an overbearing mother and she may never change, but you can establish boundaries with her and not let her run your life and/or control you. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well...being in love with a recovering addict can be challenging too...
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
2 years is very early in recovery, and you are feeling lonely and vulnerable for logical reasons in the midst of a divorce.
Maybe both of you should wait before getting involved with each other?
Jumping right into a new relationship usually doesn't work out well,
and he may need to continue to work his program and focus on recovery
instead of taking on an "instant family" which will be the case with your son
involved if things get serious.
What do you think is best for your son in this situation--that would be
a wise way to work out a solution. . .
Maybe both of you should wait before getting involved with each other?
Jumping right into a new relationship usually doesn't work out well,
and he may need to continue to work his program and focus on recovery
instead of taking on an "instant family" which will be the case with your son
involved if things get serious.
What do you think is best for your son in this situation--that would be
a wise way to work out a solution. . .
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am going to second Hawkeye and Anvil.
I am also going to say that if he really cares for you, and you mean that much to him, that he will be willing to wait until this is a better time for both of you.
Welcome to the board. It's not always easy to apply what you hear, but you will get a lot of truth from a lot of people who have been in your same situation and know lots about addiction.
I am also going to say that if he really cares for you, and you mean that much to him, that he will be willing to wait until this is a better time for both of you.
Welcome to the board. It's not always easy to apply what you hear, but you will get a lot of truth from a lot of people who have been in your same situation and know lots about addiction.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I ask this with all sincerity. Why are you posting this question HERE in the first place?
I had to live with my mother after I broke off Engagement #1. She was incredibly pissed off at me because 1) she liked him and 2) in her culture, breaking off an engagement was completely unheard of.
But for me, there wasn't a question of what I had to do, because I knew deep down in my heart that I was right. I was way too young when I said yes, and I was seeing cracks in our relationship that just did not bode well. So despite her nagging and her very evident unhappiness, I did it.
My mother said some pretty crazy stuff back then. For example: when I went off on my own to hike on the local trails, she would say stuff like "You must like sex a lot because girls like you get raped when you hike alone." But I just would think "CLICK - I'm turning you off for a while" and just did what I had to do for my own sanity. Next!
But there were other times where she would say something about some other decision that I made, and it would really bother me. And when it bothered me, I would spend my energy trying to convince her to see my side. The kicker: I wasn't trying to convince my mother that she was wrong, I was really trying to convince MYSELF that the decision I was making was right, even if my instincts were telling me otherwise.
There's a reason why you posted this question on THIS particular board. You need to figure out that reason.
I had to live with my mother after I broke off Engagement #1. She was incredibly pissed off at me because 1) she liked him and 2) in her culture, breaking off an engagement was completely unheard of.
But for me, there wasn't a question of what I had to do, because I knew deep down in my heart that I was right. I was way too young when I said yes, and I was seeing cracks in our relationship that just did not bode well. So despite her nagging and her very evident unhappiness, I did it.
My mother said some pretty crazy stuff back then. For example: when I went off on my own to hike on the local trails, she would say stuff like "You must like sex a lot because girls like you get raped when you hike alone." But I just would think "CLICK - I'm turning you off for a while" and just did what I had to do for my own sanity. Next!
But there were other times where she would say something about some other decision that I made, and it would really bother me. And when it bothered me, I would spend my energy trying to convince her to see my side. The kicker: I wasn't trying to convince my mother that she was wrong, I was really trying to convince MYSELF that the decision I was making was right, even if my instincts were telling me otherwise.
There's a reason why you posted this question on THIS particular board. You need to figure out that reason.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
She knows about his past as she has looked at his record in the court system...
Right now you FEEL great, you feel desirable, you feel wanted and maybe even loved. But anytime I hear someone use the words……swept me off my feet………….I can’t help but think…………that puts you in the perfect position to be dropped on your a@@!!
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 68
I'm pretty new to this forum but I'd like to add my 2 cents if I can.....
Your son needs to be your main concern. You did not say how old he was but, figuring your age he is probably still kind of young?
He has been through a divorce and I am assuming since you moved back to be with family he is not living close to his dad? and if that's the case then he has "lost" him right now. So, he has lost his home as well. That's a lot for a young one to go through let alone maybe bringing him into an unstable situation.
I have seen what my 10 y.o granddaughter is going through after a divorce and losing her Dad to drugs. I do not wish that on anyone.
I would tread lightly and think about your son before you do something you may regret.
Prayers to you in your decision.....
Your son needs to be your main concern. You did not say how old he was but, figuring your age he is probably still kind of young?
He has been through a divorce and I am assuming since you moved back to be with family he is not living close to his dad? and if that's the case then he has "lost" him right now. So, he has lost his home as well. That's a lot for a young one to go through let alone maybe bringing him into an unstable situation.
I have seen what my 10 y.o granddaughter is going through after a divorce and losing her Dad to drugs. I do not wish that on anyone.
I would tread lightly and think about your son before you do something you may regret.
Prayers to you in your decision.....
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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You didn't say much about the circumstances of your divorce...was your ex an addict?
Your mother may just be concerned that it's too soon to get out of one relationship and leap into another with anyone, let alone someone in recovery. It would be one thing if you didn't have your son, but children grow up and recreate what they know and if what your son knows is drama and instability...
I know we older types are a pain in the rear but it's because we have experience being kicked in ours and would like to spare others that!
Your mother may just be concerned that it's too soon to get out of one relationship and leap into another with anyone, let alone someone in recovery. It would be one thing if you didn't have your son, but children grow up and recreate what they know and if what your son knows is drama and instability...
I know we older types are a pain in the rear but it's because we have experience being kicked in ours and would like to spare others that!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I was in a similar situation to you about three years ago. I left my alcoholic ex and moved back in with my mom, two children in tow. Given my past relationship history, I knew I needed to make real changes in my life. I got a job, found a place to live, moved out and spent a year and a half working my own recovery in Alanon, resolved all lingering custody issues with my ex and lived my life my way. I very recently (like a month ago) just started online dating. I know that I wouldn't have been ready any sooner.
I think the problem isn't the boyfriend in recovery or your overbearing mother, but that you are not in a good place to be starting something hot and heavy. My recommendation would be to dial the whole relationship thing WAY back and focus that energy on getting your stuff completely together (living independently, divorce finalized, etc.). The answer to your question will probably be a whole lot clearer if you do.
I think the problem isn't the boyfriend in recovery or your overbearing mother, but that you are not in a good place to be starting something hot and heavy. My recommendation would be to dial the whole relationship thing WAY back and focus that energy on getting your stuff completely together (living independently, divorce finalized, etc.). The answer to your question will probably be a whole lot clearer if you do.
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