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Old 01-28-2016, 10:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Boyfriend left me after Rehab


Ok, so I am mainly wondering if this is normal. It is going to be a little long but I'm going to try to give important details.

My boyfriend (ex?) and I met when I was 15 he was 16 and have dated for the better of the last six years. We split up for about a year about two years ago but ended up back together. We have always adored each other he was an amazing person always made me feel so special and I would of never seen his drug addiction coming to light. Apparently while we were not together he started with pills, and eventually switched over to heroine, which makes for the last 3.5 years of drug use. I had no idea honestly, a little niave but also he hid it well. About four months ago now, things got terrible, he wasn't the same person so I told him I couldn't do it anymore and chalked it up to growing apart. He begged me not to leave him, so I kept in contact and told him we could work on things . About a month later, he called me out of the blue to tell me he was going away to rehab for help and has been addicted to opiates for a while. Emotional obviously, but I went and saw him and sent him off well on his way telling him how proud I was and how I knew he could do this. He was going away for 30 days and at the time planned on coming home. While there he called me every week and the conversations were very normal and it felt like I had my best friend back or would. Needless to say, for family weekend his mom and I flew 1500 miles to see him, thinking that him and I would get back to the couple that talked about marriage and kids and a future. While I was there he seemed fine, a little distant but I expected it, when I left he kissed me and told me he loved me. He had decided he was going to move into a sober house out there and I was so happy to hear he didn't want to come back when he knew he wasn't ready. He got out of rehab less than a week after we left and called me. At first he told me he needed to think what was best but still loved me. Then a few days later told me it was best if we weren't together right now but still wanted me in his life. Then less than a week after that told me to forget him. And then continued to tell me that he didn't want a relationship with me and won't and blah blah blah. Of course I was confused since 6 years was going down the drain with a snap of a finger so I went a little crazy trying to convince him to let me support him and be in his life. His most recent conversation with me was that he didn't think of me like that anymore and that he held on for the wrong reasons and didn't want to be with me ever again.

Although I am trying to accept this, I'm a little confused. Is this normal? I know for a fact if I could see him we would be in love again but him being 1500 miles away that isn't going to happen so I'm in the process of trying to accept that someone I planned my future with decided over the course of 30-40 days that 6 years was a mistake. Is it possible that his brain is just not completely healed yet or that he is confused with life right now? I asked if he met someone else he said no but I don't think he would tell me out of not wanting to hurt me. I'm so confused!!! I just wish I could understand but he doesn't give me much explanation besides feelings change and relationships end all the time
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Old 01-28-2016, 10:52 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Linzey...

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here. We see stories like yours very often, when the loved one of an addict is on the receiving end of a breakup and they're left going, WTF?!?

I think it's important that you recognize that while he was under the influence of opiates, you really did not know the real him. Opiates have a way of suppressing the addict's core because they don't feel anything. Once the opiates are out of their system, and they have to weather all the emotions they didn't feel before, it's a huge challenge for them to manage it. The truth is most of them can't, and they relapse.

The truth, Linzey, is for as much as you're hurting and confused right now, he has set you free. The reasons why he did what he did do not matter at this point. All that matters is you have an opportunity to heal, should you choose to take it.

There are a lot of women here who've been in your shoes and are in various stages of recovery. My hope is over the next day or so, they'll chime in and share what they've gone through and what they did to stay upright. Pay attention to what they say.

In the meantime, take care, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 01-28-2016, 11:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for your input. I figured it was time to take a different route in trying to accept this because I was going crazy trying to figure out. I look forward to actively talking with people have had to go through the same thing because it is definitely a heart wrenching situation
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Old 01-28-2016, 11:37 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for your input. I figured it was time to take a different route in trying to accept this because I was going crazy trying to figure out. I look forward to actively talking with people have had to go through the same thing because it is definitely a heart wrenching situation
You've suffered a loss. You're grieving. Everything that you're feeling is normal. What we try to do here at FFSA is help people fill in the gaps in their knowledge when it comes to drugs and what they do to those who use them. And with that knowledge, you'll be able to view his behavior in the appropriate context, which is viewing his behavior through the prism of addiction. Once you do, it'll make sense, and you won't personalize what he's done.

Been there, kid. Got through it. Dinged up initially, but I got through it. You can, too.
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Old 01-28-2016, 11:49 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi Linzey and welcome! Also I am so sorry for the intense pain you are going through. It is as you said "heart wrenching" (and that is putting it lightly)

I was in my mid 20s when I found out my boyfriend of 5 years had gotten into meth. He did not go to rehab and made the promise to never use again. I didn't believe him so left the relationship. He went on to dealing, armed robberies and eventually 3 years in jail.

Behind every addiction is one heck of a lot of problems that even the addict doesn't understand. That your BF went to rehab and then to a sober house is fabulous but no guarantee that he will stay sober and obtain recovery.

Do everything you can to focus on yourself and your own healing. Be kind to yourself. Eat well, get exercise and find good friends to spend time with. Read all you can about being in a relationship with an addict; the stickies on this thread are a good place to start. You might consider finding an alanon meeting. And keep posting here as we understand how horrible this is to live through.
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Old 01-28-2016, 12:21 PM   #6 (permalink)
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there are a bunch of different dynamics at play here....how young you both were when you met and STARTED dating, the on again off again pattern, his long and protracted drug use of AT LEAST 3.5 years, and then the sudden turn about and off to rehab.

now you are both in your very early 20s.....and now he's far far away and starting to sketch out a sober life (well we hope anyways). it's "possible" that for HIM a clean and complete break from EVERYTHING that went before seems to be the best approach for this new sober life.

but regardless of his motives, regardless of the WHYs, it is what it is. the past six years were not WASTED, they existed, they happened and are not to be voided. it's the present and the future that is changing for you.......if one party says to the other that they no longer wish to be in a relationship with them, well then.....it's over. kaput. as painful and stunning as it may be........is still IS.

now your focus must be about YOU. about getting you healthy and whole, and happy. that will take time, but it will happen if you devote yourself!
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Old 01-28-2016, 12:45 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I would feel confused also based on what you described. My thoughts are that he has been introduced to many new things, and has been asked to examine his life and where he wants it to go. Once upon a time I became addicted to prescribed meds which were opiates. I never went to rehab but did work with my doctor and a therapist. I felt somewhat vulnerable at the time and because I was home I leaned heavily on my husband. But had I been in a different environment I might have clung to that. I feel like this is probably only about him and where his mind is at, uncertain of what he's capable of and being in a new environment he may be shutting out the old and clinging to whats new. Extended use of drugs do alter the brain, but for most people it will return to normal. You might want to read about dopamine changes. A good site for info is National Institute Drug Abuse.

Id try to keep moving forward and take good care of yourself during this stressful time. Focus on what makes you happy.

He may be back around, he may not. Relapse is also common. Hopefully he's been put on medication to help. But his life probably wont be stable for a while. Your however need not be filled with anything but belief the life you want, and hopefully the man you are destined to be with will find you. It could still be him, but keep your options and heart open. Keep growing while your ex is hopefully doing the same.
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Old 01-28-2016, 03:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank you everyone, everything you have all said all make sense and I know I need to move on but it's so hard to detach myself. Has anybody had any experience with boyfriends leaving and coming back? I know it's horrible to think but it's all I wish for. I just don't know if he's super confused right now or if sober he doesn't care about me as much as he says
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Old 01-28-2016, 03:33 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I know it's horrible to think but it's all I wish for
Well, what would you do if you got your wish? What does that look like to you?
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Old 01-28-2016, 03:38 PM   #10 (permalink)
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My guess is that he is confused right now; going through a transition perhaps...he most likely does care for you, but distance thing makes it pretty dang hard to have a relationship, huh? Sending you a hug.
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Old 01-28-2016, 06:22 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Well, what would you do if you got your wish? What does that look like to you?
At the moment I feel like I would absolutely love to work through it, but I know that it most likely would Come with this same roller coaster ride and I don't know if I can emotionally go through him telling me he doesn't care about me again
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Old 01-28-2016, 06:24 PM   #12 (permalink)
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My guess is that he is confused right now; going through a transition perhaps...he most likely does care for you, but distance thing makes it pretty dang hard to have a relationship, huh? Sending you a hug.
Distance absolutely makes it very hard although he told me he felt nothing when I went and saw him at rehab, but his actions seemed different but I don't even know anymore. I don't know how it is humanly possible to wake up one day and cut a 6 year relationship off that you talked about marrying, gave a ring to, talked about a future. That's the only reason I feel he is just confused right now and I know time and space will do everyone good but it's so hard to accept that he will either miss me or forget me
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Old 01-28-2016, 07:14 PM   #13 (permalink)
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but regardless of his motives, regardless of the WHYs, it is what it is. the past six years were not WASTED, they existed, they happened and are not to be voided. it's the present and the future that is changing for you.......if one party says to the other that they no longer wish to be in a relationship with them, well then.....it's over. kaput. as painful and stunning as it may be........is still IS.

now your focus must be about YOU. about getting you healthy and whole, and happy. that will take time, but it will happen if you devote yourself!
dingdingdingding
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Old 01-28-2016, 07:30 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I'm sorry to hear about this, but at least he communicated all this; I had something similar happen in a long distance relationship and simply got cut off communication-wise cold turkey. At least, you know what's happening with him. As for the endgame, or any hope, others on this forum are far better equipped to advise you on that than I; but you do have my sympathy.
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Old 01-28-2016, 10:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Distance absolutely makes it very hard although he told me he felt nothing when I went and saw him at rehab, but his actions seemed different but I don't even know anymore. I don't know how it is humanly possible to wake up one day and cut a 6 year relationship off that you talked about marrying, gave a ring to, talked about a future. That's the only reason I feel he is just confused right now and I know time and space will do everyone good but it's so hard to accept that he will either miss me or forget me
Linzey honey, his mind is likely in turmoil and he probably thinks you will reject him because of his addiction, even though he is getting help and is clean and sober. Try not to assume the worst. Don't let your "unknowns" become doubts. However it is so very easy to assume the worst when the fact of the matter is you simply don't know for what is going on with him. He might be feeling all torn up inside. He may feel awkward talking to you about his problems because he fears you will condemn for it and judge and not UNDERSTAND him. Of COURSE he will miss you and never forget you! Please try not to let your thinking veer down the road of negativity. Right now it is just so good he is getting good help...Be as supportive as you possibly can and let him know you love him.

But it is so highly important for you to take care of yourself, detach in a healthy way and focus on you. Treat yourself well..you deserve it!
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Old 01-28-2016, 10:06 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Linzey, I sent you a PM.
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Old 01-28-2016, 10:54 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Linzey honey, his mind is likely in turmoil and he probably thinks you will reject him because of his addiction, even though he is getting help and is clean and sober. Try not to assume the worst. Don't let your "unknowns" become doubts. However it is so very easy to assume the worst when the fact of the matter is you simply don't know for what is going on with him. He might be feeling all torn up inside. He may feel awkward talking to you about his problems because he fears you will condemn for it and judge and not UNDERSTAND him. Of COURSE he will miss you and never forget you! Please try not to let your thinking veer down the road of negativity. Right now it is just so good he is getting good help...Be as supportive as you possibly can and let him know you love him.

But it is so highly important for you to take care of yourself, detach in a healthy way and focus on you. Treat yourself well..you deserve it!
Thank you, I know that his brain is all over the place but I guess not being an addict I will never fully understand. I have relayed to him how much I want to support him and be there and grow with him but he just says feelings change and he doesn't feel that way about us anymore. The worst part is the constant wondering of why??? But that question may never be answered so I need to stop trying to solve the mystery.
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Old 01-28-2016, 11:22 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Thank you, I know that his brain is all over the place but I guess not being an addict I will never fully understand. I have relayed to him how much I want to support him and be there and grow with him but he just says feelings change and he doesn't feel that way about us anymore. The worst part is the constant wondering of why??? But that question may never be answered so I need to stop trying to solve the mystery.
You're welcom Linzey. I hope you are kind to yourself!
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Old 01-29-2016, 10:18 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Hello Linzey!

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]THIS POST] is going to be a little long but I'm going to try to give important details.
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that in terms of long posts, I would be the one who would win in this regard. My posts tend to take on the appearance of "War and Peace". I'm sure some of the moderators and community greeters here are madly nodding their heads in agreement.

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I'm in the process of trying to accept that someone I planned my future with decided over the course of 30-40 days that 6 years was a mistake.
Past relationships are NEVER a mistake if you can learn from them. I was engaged once to somebody who broke things off with me the day after the wedding invitations went out. The week prior he was telling me that we were going to be OK and then BOOM, he dumped me via voicemail (he was West Coast and I'm East Coast). I tried to call him back and he took the phone off the hook. I literally lost twenty pounds in three weeks.

I have had my share of dysfunctional relationships, so when I finally met the man who has now become my husband, I knew and he knew that what we had was precious. It was such a contrast - I remember thinking to myself various times during the first months of the relationship - "Oh THIS is how it's supposed to be!!!" It was literally a revelation. But I wouldn't have had that realization if I didn't have the experience I did.
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Old 01-29-2016, 10:24 AM   #20 (permalink)
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At the moment I feel like I would absolutely love to work through it, but I know that it most likely would Come with this same roller coaster ride and I don't know if I can emotionally go through him telling me he doesn't care about me again
OK. He comes back. You're elated. What happens next? In all probability, the following.

He starts becoming distant. You wonder what's going on. He says nothing. Then he starts not calling. Or he doesn't come home. You get worried and scared and call him out. You ask if he's using again. He denies it. But his eyeballs are pinned. Or maybe he's been drinking. And before you know it, you're right back to where you were.

Qualitatively speaking, most opiate addicts don't achieve recovery. You'll find enough anecdotal evidence here that supports that statement. So this raises some uncomfortable questions. Like what's worse: saying goodbye once and for all, or getting back together with him and going through the same ordeal again.

It is never easy to say goodbye to someone we love, Linzey It f*cking sucks, to tell you the truth. But sometimes in order for us to be well and steady, we don't have a choice. By seeking us out and posting, you were likely in a place where you were neither well nor steady. But you want to be, which is why you're soliciting feedback on how to get there.

Sometimes to get to a place where we need to be, we have to make some difficult choices, ones we don't want to make. Keep that in mind going forward.
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