angry all the time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 58
angry all the time
I've noticed my anger has become more frequent and more intense. To the point I know something needs to be done about it or I'm going to hurt somebody (mainly my husband). My temper is soo short and doesn't diminish. I just feel angry ALL.THE.TIME. There are moments I don't feel angry and what scares me is noticing WHEN I don't feel angry. Around my husband, our girls, and family, I feel the lingering anger, like it's on deck ready to go, waiting. When I'm not around everyone, I don't feel that way but more relief as well as sadness and guilt that I feel the need to get away from everyone. I want to say I don't understand what is going on with me, but it's kind of a no brainer-take a look at my situation, duh.
I just want it to stop. All these emotions and anger is just...well it's just too much.
I'm very ashamed of myself and really hate myself right now for something I did to my husband. All because he flat out lied to me, took off with the car, and didn't return for 2 and a half hours. No texts back and no calls. I nearly missed my nail appointment (had to get nails done for best friends wedding). I thought I was fine, kept telling myself forget about it and get on with what you need to do. Kept telling myself to stay calm. Well, he got in the house and I just lost it, completely, in front of our 3 1/2 year old daughter. She witnessed something I never wanted her to witness. This is why I say I know something needs to be done about my anger. I feel guilty for showing her how not to be. And for being that person you're not supposed to be like. I feel like a horrible mom, wife, and just person in general. Where have I gone? Where am i? Wait, who am i? Because the person I am right now, is not the person I used to love and know so well.
I could have tears for days and my best friends wedding is tomorrow (I'm a bridesmaid), so, just like any other day, I have to suck it up and act like there is nothing on inside my head and act normal with my husband and family tomorrow. I am not an actor, I'm so sick of acting and these emotions and mostly this anger.
I'm not sure if I'm venting or reaching out for help/guidance or just want to hear everything will be ok (gee, heard that enough..lies!) I have no idea, all I want to do is be alone, away from my family, give myself some time to lose myself to me.
I just want it to stop. All these emotions and anger is just...well it's just too much.
I'm very ashamed of myself and really hate myself right now for something I did to my husband. All because he flat out lied to me, took off with the car, and didn't return for 2 and a half hours. No texts back and no calls. I nearly missed my nail appointment (had to get nails done for best friends wedding). I thought I was fine, kept telling myself forget about it and get on with what you need to do. Kept telling myself to stay calm. Well, he got in the house and I just lost it, completely, in front of our 3 1/2 year old daughter. She witnessed something I never wanted her to witness. This is why I say I know something needs to be done about my anger. I feel guilty for showing her how not to be. And for being that person you're not supposed to be like. I feel like a horrible mom, wife, and just person in general. Where have I gone? Where am i? Wait, who am i? Because the person I am right now, is not the person I used to love and know so well.
I could have tears for days and my best friends wedding is tomorrow (I'm a bridesmaid), so, just like any other day, I have to suck it up and act like there is nothing on inside my head and act normal with my husband and family tomorrow. I am not an actor, I'm so sick of acting and these emotions and mostly this anger. I'm not sure if I'm venting or reaching out for help/guidance or just want to hear everything will be ok (gee, heard that enough..lies!) I have no idea, all I want to do is be alone, away from my family, give myself some time to lose myself to me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Hi Iwishonstars
Yes - I agree with T tree - can you book yourself a short break away for a few days. Grab your journal and go. Give yourself the space you need. That is basic self care and an emergency life saving move for when you are feeling like you do. I think you are right to take it seriously.
When I was with my XAH I found myself at that point one day. I went and stayed in a B&B, despite the judgement and HUGE guilt trip his family laid on me for doing it. He disapproved too. However I knew deep inside I needed to do it, to be healthy, for all our sakes.
To this day I don't think that they understand my choices, however it saved my life. That might sound dramatic and I also believe it.
You have to do what is right for YOU. Otherwise you are no good to your family.
Also - are you seeing a Counsellor / Therapist? Are you going to any Al Anon groups or similar where you can let this out among people who understand?
Yes - I agree with T tree - can you book yourself a short break away for a few days. Grab your journal and go. Give yourself the space you need. That is basic self care and an emergency life saving move for when you are feeling like you do. I think you are right to take it seriously.
When I was with my XAH I found myself at that point one day. I went and stayed in a B&B, despite the judgement and HUGE guilt trip his family laid on me for doing it. He disapproved too. However I knew deep inside I needed to do it, to be healthy, for all our sakes.
To this day I don't think that they understand my choices, however it saved my life. That might sound dramatic and I also believe it.
You have to do what is right for YOU. Otherwise you are no good to your family.
Also - are you seeing a Counsellor / Therapist? Are you going to any Al Anon groups or similar where you can let this out among people who understand?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,588
Hi Iwish,
Maybe you repressed your anger with alcohol and now it's been set loose with sobriety. I know there are plenty of readings on anger that might help. Maybe some anger in having/needing to stop drinking? Feeling cheated that you can't drink 'normally'? You have not been cheated, you've been freed. Dealing with your anger in an appropriate way will free you even further. The old anger vs assertiveness question. Hard being a Mum and wife and to give up the grog at the same time. I think Mum's and wives have got a fair bit to be legitimately angry about. I guess it's how we learn to deal with our anger and and to remember to take care of ourselves first and foremost. We have a right. Learning to deal with our anger won't happen overnight but it will happen if we realise that we have needs too and we insist within ourselves that they be met. Anger might then begin to dissipate and people realise that we mean business. Good for everyone and good role model for kids, particularly girls who seem to have more trouble putting themselves first and feeling OK about it. This is not selfish. Raving on but as a mother I know how hard it can be and that our anger is often very legitimate. It's how we deal with and express it that makes all the difference. Woman to woman, mother to mother. Thinking of you chucking an egg at the back fence.
oops just realised that this is the family and friends forum and it is not you with an alcohol problem. The message is still the same, probably more so. I'm new around here still trying to work all the different forums out. 
Maybe you repressed your anger with alcohol and now it's been set loose with sobriety. I know there are plenty of readings on anger that might help. Maybe some anger in having/needing to stop drinking? Feeling cheated that you can't drink 'normally'? You have not been cheated, you've been freed. Dealing with your anger in an appropriate way will free you even further. The old anger vs assertiveness question. Hard being a Mum and wife and to give up the grog at the same time. I think Mum's and wives have got a fair bit to be legitimately angry about. I guess it's how we learn to deal with our anger and and to remember to take care of ourselves first and foremost. We have a right. Learning to deal with our anger won't happen overnight but it will happen if we realise that we have needs too and we insist within ourselves that they be met. Anger might then begin to dissipate and people realise that we mean business. Good for everyone and good role model for kids, particularly girls who seem to have more trouble putting themselves first and feeling OK about it. This is not selfish. Raving on but as a mother I know how hard it can be and that our anger is often very legitimate. It's how we deal with and express it that makes all the difference. Woman to woman, mother to mother. Thinking of you chucking an egg at the back fence.
oops just realised that this is the family and friends forum and it is not you with an alcohol problem. The message is still the same, probably more so. I'm new around here still trying to work all the different forums out. Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Certainly we are responsible for our responses. No excuses but ... when something isn't feeling 'right' to us, it comes out in some profound ways.
Stuffing feelings down will cause them to appear in ways that bring more anger and guilt. It's a cycle.
This isn't the perfect example but for me, it showed me that I was internally fighting something that I could not accept: My best friends since school ... secretly don't like each other. They somehow punished me for remaining friends with the 'other' as if there was something wrong with me for enjoying the company of the one they didn't like. I have fought this for so many years, ignoring, placating, explaining ... I finally was strong enough to face each of them off and we are no longer friends. I ended it of my own choice. I thought that I would feel so awful and within 24 hours - I felt only peace and contentment.
Perhaps you feel trapped by the situation and unwilling to accept that a change must be made ? Your husband is incapable of being in a relationship, as a whole giving sharing person while in active addiction.
We want them to recovery. We want to love them enough for them to want what we want. We have a family and we need it to stay together.
Personally, I think that you may enjoy meetings, or counseling. Getting your feelings out with people here and also face to face. Shedding those tears of sadness, anger, rage, disappointment ... It's part of healing and acceptance. You have been at this for a while. Come back as much as you need to, we are here for you. You are not alone.
Hugs to you Iwish,
Joie
Stuffing feelings down will cause them to appear in ways that bring more anger and guilt. It's a cycle.
This isn't the perfect example but for me, it showed me that I was internally fighting something that I could not accept: My best friends since school ... secretly don't like each other. They somehow punished me for remaining friends with the 'other' as if there was something wrong with me for enjoying the company of the one they didn't like. I have fought this for so many years, ignoring, placating, explaining ... I finally was strong enough to face each of them off and we are no longer friends. I ended it of my own choice. I thought that I would feel so awful and within 24 hours - I felt only peace and contentment.
Perhaps you feel trapped by the situation and unwilling to accept that a change must be made ? Your husband is incapable of being in a relationship, as a whole giving sharing person while in active addiction.
We want them to recovery. We want to love them enough for them to want what we want. We have a family and we need it to stay together.
Personally, I think that you may enjoy meetings, or counseling. Getting your feelings out with people here and also face to face. Shedding those tears of sadness, anger, rage, disappointment ... It's part of healing and acceptance. You have been at this for a while. Come back as much as you need to, we are here for you. You are not alone.
Hugs to you Iwish,
Joie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
I think your anger is telling you something and you had better listen to it.
Your husband is supposedly not using, yet he takes your car without asking
and vanishes out of touch for hours?
You have no reason to trust him yet and that looks an awful lot like old behaviors.
If it is or isn't, he should have the sensitivity to realize it isn't OK.
You said he was working for cash some time ago.
Is he holding up his end financially for the family or leaning on your money?
That would make me pretty angry too if that's the case.
I agree there are appropriate ways to let it out, but I don't think
you are a bad person for losing your temper.
I think there are some underlying issues of trust, and abused trust
that will take time, and very likely marriage therapy, to heal
assuming he is clean and stays clean.
Sometimes anger knows more than we do--best to not stuff it.
Your husband is supposedly not using, yet he takes your car without asking
and vanishes out of touch for hours?
You have no reason to trust him yet and that looks an awful lot like old behaviors.
If it is or isn't, he should have the sensitivity to realize it isn't OK.
You said he was working for cash some time ago.
Is he holding up his end financially for the family or leaning on your money?
That would make me pretty angry too if that's the case.
I agree there are appropriate ways to let it out, but I don't think
you are a bad person for losing your temper.
I think there are some underlying issues of trust, and abused trust
that will take time, and very likely marriage therapy, to heal
assuming he is clean and stays clean.
Sometimes anger knows more than we do--best to not stuff it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I,
What are you doing for yourself? Have you ever attended an alanon meeting? These meetings are about us, working our program, holding us accountable for our actions. I think you need to reach out and get some help. I just posted something earlier about how you can always recognize an addicts home, by the crazy, out of control spouse.
There is a lot of reading you can do for yourself. Helping you learn about how addiction has affected you, the non addict. I was one of those "really" angry people. I was pissed at me, for accepting his behavior, pissed at him for being an addict, pissed at the kids for still loving him, pissed at God for not helping me, pissed at the friends and family for being friends and family... yikes!! Lots of anger.
I learned to let go and let God (alanon). I had to let it all go and release my craziness. Once I did this, my life calmed down and I slowly learned how to live with the insanity. Realizing that I really had no control over anyone and anything, except myself was a huge eye opener, as I was the only one in control in my house hold.
Hugs my friend, there is help, you just need to do your homework!! Keep posting and reading!!
What are you doing for yourself? Have you ever attended an alanon meeting? These meetings are about us, working our program, holding us accountable for our actions. I think you need to reach out and get some help. I just posted something earlier about how you can always recognize an addicts home, by the crazy, out of control spouse.
There is a lot of reading you can do for yourself. Helping you learn about how addiction has affected you, the non addict. I was one of those "really" angry people. I was pissed at me, for accepting his behavior, pissed at him for being an addict, pissed at the kids for still loving him, pissed at God for not helping me, pissed at the friends and family for being friends and family... yikes!! Lots of anger.
I learned to let go and let God (alanon). I had to let it all go and release my craziness. Once I did this, my life calmed down and I slowly learned how to live with the insanity. Realizing that I really had no control over anyone and anything, except myself was a huge eye opener, as I was the only one in control in my house hold.
Hugs my friend, there is help, you just need to do your homework!! Keep posting and reading!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
is it possible to get some time apart? separate domiciles? you're a pressure cooker right now, and already struggling to NOT lash out in anger......and your AH is the big target, trigger.
his behavior was totally unacceptable....have you addressed that with him in a calmer moment?
his behavior was totally unacceptable....have you addressed that with him in a calmer moment?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Hey...
Perhaps you can work with a therapist who can help you unpack what you're feeling?
Personally, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with being angry. But when your anger clouds your judgment and then affects your decision making, that's when you need to pause and take a step back. It's a lot of work to do that. And I believe a therapist can help you get to that point.
Keep us posted. And be safe.
Perhaps you can work with a therapist who can help you unpack what you're feeling?
Personally, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with being angry. But when your anger clouds your judgment and then affects your decision making, that's when you need to pause and take a step back. It's a lot of work to do that. And I believe a therapist can help you get to that point.
Keep us posted. And be safe.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Handling my emotions is my biggest goal. I dont feel its healthy to feel angry all the time. It doesnt help me, my husband, my daughter.
We all get overloaded at times, but if you think this is an ongoing problem Id try to face it head on.
For myself, Im making sure I take good care of me. Eating better, exercise and yoga. I have used therapy in the past but instead of returning to it (for now at least) Im trying out the behavioral tools from Smart Recovery. It helps me break down how Im feeling, analyze situations, deal and move on. Helping to keep my headspace free for better thoughts and feelings.
I hope you can enjoy the wedding and maybe look at this as a turning point for yourself.
We all get overloaded at times, but if you think this is an ongoing problem Id try to face it head on.
For myself, Im making sure I take good care of me. Eating better, exercise and yoga. I have used therapy in the past but instead of returning to it (for now at least) Im trying out the behavioral tools from Smart Recovery. It helps me break down how Im feeling, analyze situations, deal and move on. Helping to keep my headspace free for better thoughts and feelings.
I hope you can enjoy the wedding and maybe look at this as a turning point for yourself.
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