Lost the battle-don't want to fight anymore
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
cool, I'm so sorry for your pain. It must be devastating for a mother who loves her children and remembers them before they started on drugs. There may be hope in the future for them, but quite rightly, it shouldn't involve intervention by you, but their own natural instincts.
I second what the other say about finding a group. It's not just for your benefit, but you may be able to help others for whom this is a new situation and they just don't know where to turn. You sound like a strong woman; look after yourself.
I second what the other say about finding a group. It's not just for your benefit, but you may be able to help others for whom this is a new situation and they just don't know where to turn. You sound like a strong woman; look after yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Coolrobin,
"Just knowing that I'm not alone helps a lot.......I am not a victim."
The above is a good start! Try and find a Nar-Anon meeting if you can. There you will meet others who can truly relate to your situation because they also have been there -- imagine a whole room full of people who have walked in your shoes.
Nar-Anon is not for everyone, but it worked for me and maybe it would work for you.
Keep coming back,
Jim
"Just knowing that I'm not alone helps a lot.......I am not a victim."
The above is a good start! Try and find a Nar-Anon meeting if you can. There you will meet others who can truly relate to your situation because they also have been there -- imagine a whole room full of people who have walked in your shoes.
Nar-Anon is not for everyone, but it worked for me and maybe it would work for you.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by coolrobin2 
Thank you all so much for your words. They help a lot. Just knowing that I'm not alone helps a lot.
I am detaching from them. I'm not even doing the cops this time. Unfortunately, there are just too many people in our family that are drug users that there is no escape. And yes, pot is a gateway drug and that's a contributor to the relapse for both. Pot is the cool thing now, next will be making heroin legal so cops don't let heroin addicts die in jail. Our society is so pro-drug. It really is.
Anyhow, I spent a good 30 minutes in tears to my Army girl today and she supports my decision to detach. I am putting my house up for sale, buying a newer pool home in a different neighborhood so I can make new memories and start a new life.
I am not a victim.
I am detaching from them. I'm not even doing the cops this time. Unfortunately, there are just too many people in our family that are drug users that there is no escape. And yes, pot is a gateway drug and that's a contributor to the relapse for both. Pot is the cool thing now, next will be making heroin legal so cops don't let heroin addicts die in jail. Our society is so pro-drug. It really is.
Anyhow, I spent a good 30 minutes in tears to my Army girl today and she supports my decision to detach. I am putting my house up for sale, buying a newer pool home in a different neighborhood so I can make new memories and start a new life.
I am not a victim.
Cool: You are awesome! That is all.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
Hate it when people know and don't tell you
So my son comes over today. What a great life he has now that I kicked him out for using. I told him that I resent him knowing for a few months that his sister was using and he didn't say a thing to me (he insists he hasn't relapsed).
Basically, I told him to take his drug using side of the family and his great new life after he and his sister used me up to the point where I want to die and shove it all. Told him I love him, but I will never trust him again and don't really care to see any of them again, that I'm moving and no one will no where I am going to.
I'm going to try a meeting this Sunday night. I am not coping well. My son coming over and bragging just did me in completely. I seriously never want to see those two kids again, ever...
Basically, I told him to take his drug using side of the family and his great new life after he and his sister used me up to the point where I want to die and shove it all. Told him I love him, but I will never trust him again and don't really care to see any of them again, that I'm moving and no one will no where I am going to.
I'm going to try a meeting this Sunday night. I am not coping well. My son coming over and bragging just did me in completely. I seriously never want to see those two kids again, ever...
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I'm going to try a meeting this Sunday night. I am not coping well. My son coming over and bragging just did me in completely. I seriously never want to see those two kids again, ever...
As far as your son goes, his behavior (as always) is attributed to his condition. Don't personalize it. He's sick, and it shows.
Be safe, and keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Good for you for posting Coolrobin. If you can, find a support group. Try a couple different ones if the first few don't click with you. This is such a difficult situation to deal with. May battalions of angels bombard you!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
Ughh! The nerve
So my daughter's friend, who is in and out of the methodone clinic, IM's me to ask if I can do my daughter a favor. I feel sorry for this girlfriend, but she isn't sober herself and is giving my daughter "advice" based upon the lies that my daughter tells her.
I was horrified. I blasted back at her that no, all her mail coming in being being sent back RTS, the last of her belongings that she tried to sneak out of the house have been donated to Goodwill, and that I am not her dammit doll to do with as she pleases. And that her friend, knowing my kid stole from me and her boyfriend, and asking a favor was just the most stupid and not- thought out thing she could ask after victimizing me, her brother, and her boyfriend.
So, I was told that I am the biggest trigger to their relapse. So I guess that going back to hanging with the drug users and that she used to hang with, keeping secret friends, taking my car in the middle of the night to go and use after she's stolen money from her boyfriend's bank account to get high and basically living a lie is actually my fault, even though I never brought up the past, paid her $600 a week salary, helped pay over $8K to get her teeth fixed and another $1400 to get her license back after she got clean and wanted to change her life. I gave her the opportunity that no one would when hiring an applicant with prior felonies that included battery on an LEO.
So I told her friend that it's the great advice that she's getting from her friends that use, who can't take care of their children, who can't afford to live in their own home, who don't have credit, who can't pay their bills, and who aren't sober is the cause, not me. So I told her friend that from now on, since she knows it all and is so wise, that SHE can support my kid, pay her fines, bail her out of jail from now on.
I'm going to a meeting tomorrow night, but I am done with both my son and daughter. I cannot compete with the drug users out there. It's a total shame.
I was horrified. I blasted back at her that no, all her mail coming in being being sent back RTS, the last of her belongings that she tried to sneak out of the house have been donated to Goodwill, and that I am not her dammit doll to do with as she pleases. And that her friend, knowing my kid stole from me and her boyfriend, and asking a favor was just the most stupid and not- thought out thing she could ask after victimizing me, her brother, and her boyfriend.
So, I was told that I am the biggest trigger to their relapse. So I guess that going back to hanging with the drug users and that she used to hang with, keeping secret friends, taking my car in the middle of the night to go and use after she's stolen money from her boyfriend's bank account to get high and basically living a lie is actually my fault, even though I never brought up the past, paid her $600 a week salary, helped pay over $8K to get her teeth fixed and another $1400 to get her license back after she got clean and wanted to change her life. I gave her the opportunity that no one would when hiring an applicant with prior felonies that included battery on an LEO.
So I told her friend that it's the great advice that she's getting from her friends that use, who can't take care of their children, who can't afford to live in their own home, who don't have credit, who can't pay their bills, and who aren't sober is the cause, not me. So I told her friend that from now on, since she knows it all and is so wise, that SHE can support my kid, pay her fines, bail her out of jail from now on.
I'm going to a meeting tomorrow night, but I am done with both my son and daughter. I cannot compete with the drug users out there. It's a total shame.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
So, now I see that yes,I am a big part of their relapse. This book is really awesome. I am having an epiphany here. Everything Melanie Beattie is saying I can identify with in a big way or small way. On chapter 10 and learning much about my codependency I never thought of before.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 28
im so sorry to hear this. a lost friend of mine is a recovering addict snd currently in rehab. her parents are strugglimg financially atm and weve all been through hell....i hope her parents never have to give up on her for good....but they say they are dry of money. when youre children come to you asking for genuine help...treatment etc you may have a better idea on helping. help the recovery but dont support the addiction. its hard when they abuse and manipulate our love and support and turn it into death and hate. i wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Obviously, unfortunately (there is to many)....you are not alone.
You sound like you are gaining strength. Codependent No More is an awesome read and reread! She wrote it for me!!
I understand when both kids are on a drug binge and then a husband joined in (relapse). Here is to peace! No one is living with me. I am not sure how clean they are...but they are getting their lives together.
I do know that I can pray much and love from afar. This isn't my battle to fight!!
Keep up the good work!
You sound like you are gaining strength. Codependent No More is an awesome read and reread! She wrote it for me!!
I understand when both kids are on a drug binge and then a husband joined in (relapse). Here is to peace! No one is living with me. I am not sure how clean they are...but they are getting their lives together.
I do know that I can pray much and love from afar. This isn't my battle to fight!!
Keep up the good work!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by coolrobin2
Thank you, and everyone...It's so hard. I'd go to the police, but I just don't have the time. I have a busy business to run, now by myself with my daughter relapsing.
They know what clean is...They know where to get clean at. I gotta take care of me and find happy before I crawl in bed and die.
They know what clean is...They know where to get clean at. I gotta take care of me and find happy before I crawl in bed and die.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
Apologized to my son
Going through this book and talking with my daughter's boyfriend (who lives with me, formerly us), I see more. One of the things I noticed when talking to D was "when did they change?"
They changed when I started getting on them about moving out, saving money, getting a car, becoming adults because I needed to live my own life and it was too expensive to maintain the household with only one person paying rent. I put pressure on them to grow up and take responsibility for themselves and like my son and my daughter's friend said, I caused their relapse. But I didn't cause it. I had every right to set boundaries.
Now when did they start using? I know they were smoking pot, because I dropped random drug tests, but had not dropped one on everyone for the last 3.5 months. My son was having horrible pain in his liver and in his teeth (he already owed me $800 for prior dental work that he stopped paying back on), so I accepted the pot use for pain control. I feel like an idiot.
I guess it doesn't really matter when they started using the hard stuff again, but they changed when I stuck to the plan of when they had to move out by.
I apologized to my son via text this morning for being hateful towards him.
"Listen, I was horrible the other day. I recognize that. I am hurting right now, but now that I'm getting some time to sort out everything and my emotions, I realize that I was trying to save you and J more than I thought I was and that is my fault. I am codependent concerning you and J and that's something I have to work on (and I am). I want you to have a great life, I want you to be happy, I want nothing but good for you because I love you. I can't help you anymore because my help was counter productive. I need to detach, but I want to do it with love and not hate."
I am standing by this statement. I have to.
They changed when I started getting on them about moving out, saving money, getting a car, becoming adults because I needed to live my own life and it was too expensive to maintain the household with only one person paying rent. I put pressure on them to grow up and take responsibility for themselves and like my son and my daughter's friend said, I caused their relapse. But I didn't cause it. I had every right to set boundaries.
Now when did they start using? I know they were smoking pot, because I dropped random drug tests, but had not dropped one on everyone for the last 3.5 months. My son was having horrible pain in his liver and in his teeth (he already owed me $800 for prior dental work that he stopped paying back on), so I accepted the pot use for pain control. I feel like an idiot.
I guess it doesn't really matter when they started using the hard stuff again, but they changed when I stuck to the plan of when they had to move out by.
I apologized to my son via text this morning for being hateful towards him.
"Listen, I was horrible the other day. I recognize that. I am hurting right now, but now that I'm getting some time to sort out everything and my emotions, I realize that I was trying to save you and J more than I thought I was and that is my fault. I am codependent concerning you and J and that's something I have to work on (and I am). I want you to have a great life, I want you to be happy, I want nothing but good for you because I love you. I can't help you anymore because my help was counter productive. I need to detach, but I want to do it with love and not hate."
I am standing by this statement. I have to.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
coolrobin ... I listen to Codependent No More on CD. In the car or at home .. it's like seeing it by hearing it. Like shes speaking to me ... almost face to face. I would lose myself in those words. those truths.
I wish you peace with your boundaries. Stay strong, Hugs, Joie
I wish you peace with your boundaries. Stay strong, Hugs, Joie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by JOIE12
coolrobin ... I listen to Codependent No More on CD. In the car or at home .. it's like seeing it by hearing it. Like shes speaking to me ... almost face to face. I would lose myself in those words. those truths.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
Meeting tonight was great. Just what I needed and need. Looking forward to more face to face interaction with people like us. Very empowering, yet baring. Felt so good to say "I've made so many mistakes and I'll probably continue making mistakes..." that's a truth you don't want to say aloud because of fear of judgment. Tonight was great.
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