Heartbroken and confused
 

Abf and I just had an hour long phone conversation. Today marks 3 weeks at inpatient treatment. Was a great talk up until last couple mins...Got into a discussion about his ex-wife and the kids he has two boys and I have my daughter. Abf and I consider all the kids 'ours' as a family unit to not separate. I have my daughter full time as her biological father passed away. My daughter approached him a year ago at 5 years old (I asked her to as it kept slipping out to be sure she wasn't crossed a boundary) and asked if it was ok to call him 'Dad/Daddy Chris'he told her whatever is comfortable for her he's comfortable with it. The discussion tonight got into why when it's just us he refers to me to the boys as 'Mama Mandi' and when his ex-wife is around its 'Mandi' as I fully witnessed this yesterday during the visiting hours (She dropped boys off and picked them up.)
He gets totally defensive and says 'really you're gonna go there.'
I said 'yes as I witnessed this just curious and you are getting quickly defensive.'
He said 'ok we can do this all right now. Let's place some boundaries, like it's not ok for your daughter to call me Daddy Chris.'
That's all I let come out of his mouth as it felt like a knife just went through my heart. I made a poor communication move, and just hung up.
I'm devastated and my daughter will totally be. This man is her Dad! Now he's revoking her that label a year later. I'm bawling for what I am up against with my daughter. Not the first heartbreak won't be last in her life...but her life's been very traumatic in her now short 6 years. Her Dad died at 4 and now her step Dad is taking back that label. I don't get it. I know I shouldn't have hung up and would have got full explanation, but I didn't want him to witness (hear) my heartbreak (instant) bawling. No offense...I am not a big fan of men right now. Hurt my child, mama bear isn't pretty!
Needed to vent, hope to stop crying soon so I can get some sort of sleep tonight.

So sorry your are going through this...

Hello Lost in Love,

I understand you are very hurt by this conversation, but your expectations of this addict to be a father-figure might have been unrealistic.

Praying here recently broke things off with a man with alcoholic tendencies. Her posts might be helpful to you as she has been writing about the impact on the kids.

Take care.

Maybe he refers to you as 'just' Mandi when his wife is around because he doesn't want to rock the boat and create further jealousies and upset on the part of his wife. Keep the peace? He was happy to have your daughter call him Daddy Chris a year ago and you say you both see all of the kids as being part of your one family unit. Maybe you are making more out of it than was intended. What's in a name? And your name is Mandi. Lol

Of course this would hurt and be a shocker too. I have a couple thoughts initially. First is more will be revealed and unearthed when you talk to him again. Whats going through his mind. And his mental state is my next thought. He's so early on, his emotions and thought processes I think will be unstable. Maybe its his feeling he cant fit the role of daddy. Dont beat yourself up over your side of the talk. He struck the most sensitive nerve a momma can have. Rest and regroup your thoughts and soon I think you will get a clearer picture. Last thought, its possibly some of this is to be sensitive to his ex and to not get her riled up over her kids and how they label you? He might have had complaints from her before and wants to keep peace?

LiL...

I'm not certain you fully appreciate how difficult it is for anyone to give up an addiction. It is literally a full-time job to stay on a healthy, level course for most people who are attempting to achieve recovery. It's not fair to him, to yourself or to the kids to set any sort of expectations while he's inpatient. He needs to be focusing on himself. Your job is to manage yourself and to look after the kids.

My $0.02.

Lost I am sorry you are feeling so hurt but am agreeing with Zoso on this. Your BF is going through some very intense stuff right now and it is not the time to be going over this. He needs to work on himself and not be dealing with outside issues right now. He needs to totally focus on himself and overcoming addiction and that in itself is one of the most difficult things he will ever deal with. I think this needs to be put on the back burner for now and can be dealt with later on.....and best with a counselor.

Ok, imagine this... let's say your daughter's Dad is still alive but you and he are apart and he's moved on with another woman. You go to pick your daughter up from their house and he's saying "Tell Mommy Girlfriend goodbye!"... how would that make you feel? And I agree with others, now is not the time for him to get nitpicked while he's in rehab. Although I don't agree with him hurtfully "taking the label back", it was purely a defensive move when he felt under attack by you.

I was re-reading what he said. Now I have another thought, its almost like he pulled that comment out to punish himself. You were upset he said Mandi, and he then says remove my dad title too and we're even.

All these possibilities on a sensitive topic like parenting after all the stress youve already faced, maybe it will be straightened out soon.

Thanks for the opinions/responses/advice. I am actually who tries to not get into deep convos. He says to talk about any and everything as nows the best time as he can deal better as he's in the controlled environment and learning to deal with everything in life differently. I respect the point of giving example using my husband, and my belief is to allow the child to use whatever wording that's natural for them, just as how mine began calling him Dad.

I agree Lost. An important part of the recovery process is learning triggers, and also learning healthy ways to communicate, and learning how to cope with life without the use of a substance. He has support now and will have help breaking down his emotions, reactions, and it can help him learn.

She doesn't need to know this right now. I hope Mama Bear protects her child!

Hugs to you!!

the calls home can be hotbeds for emotion. We are on the outside and sometimes need comfort and validation. It's extremely difficult to stand back and keep taking care of everything - but - it is what it is. Please try to avoid making any changes while he is away. It is also a really stressful thing to not be able to deal with something that is happening 'outside' while he is inside focusing on recovery. Maybe keeping a journal of your feelings may help as you go thru this ? We are here any time you need to share your fear or vent. You are not alone. Hugs, Joie