What would you do ? advice please
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Lafayette Hill
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What would you do ? advice please
I have posted once before here about a month ago.My brother who is 48 lives with my mother .About 45 days ago he got a DUI with my mothers car high on Xanax, he denied a blood test was arrested and held for 14 days,we did not bail him out. judged ordered him rehab he went and felt so good about himself. In the meantime my mother got a restraining order on him with a twist (he can come in the house but cannot abuse her in any way) My wife picked him up and she called me and said I think this time he is going to do it he seems so positive. Not even a half hr after he was home my mother called us to say he took something and was messed up. We dont know what to do if she calls the police he will get locked up but we feel bad he has Extreme OCD and I just dont know what to do .My mother is 75 and on Dyalis she does not feel good he has no where to go . But I know my mom has has it. I f I go and try to talk to him he just starts his manipulating stuff and I cant here it. And if I test him he gets confrontational. Any Advice Thank you
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Hi, Pheasant. I don't think we've crossed paths yet. Welcome to the Board.
What you describe is the Catch-22 of dealing with a loved one's addiction. If you call the police, your AB will go to jail. If you don't, there is no evidence -- and I mean none -- that at age 48, he's going to clean up his act, and thus your mother will be at risk.
What to do?
Call the police. Your Mom is 75 years old. She's on dialysis. Right now, you have to step in and do something you don't want to do in order to protect her. But I can assure you, pheasant, that you don't have a choice.
Sometimes one painful choice is easier to digest than another
We dont know what to do if she calls the police he will get locked up but we feel bad he has Extreme OCD and I just dont know what to do .My mother is 75 and on Dyalis she does not feel good he has no where to go .
What to do?
Call the police. Your Mom is 75 years old. She's on dialysis. Right now, you have to step in and do something you don't want to do in order to protect her. But I can assure you, pheasant, that you don't have a choice.
Sometimes one painful choice is easier to digest than another
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Did the rehab cut him loose with no follow up therapy or outpatient program. If he has severe OCD thisahould be dealt with as part of the drug recovery process. Jail wont help him get the treatment he needs.
Talking to him under the influence will get you no where. For me, Rules ans requirements like having him attend weekly therapy sessions is
somerhing I would consider.
Your mom shouldnt suffer however. If she is in immediate danger then I would get him out of there.
Talking to him under the influence will get you no where. For me, Rules ans requirements like having him attend weekly therapy sessions is
somerhing I would consider.
Your mom shouldnt suffer however. If she is in immediate danger then I would get him out of there.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with Zoso, your mother must be protected. He was given a chance and he blew it, he did this to himself so no guilt, okay?
He can go back to rehab, or go to a shelter and they will arrange that for him if he wants to get clean.
He can go to meetings and find someone willing to help him and enforce the required boundaries.
Your mother is not his only option, she's not even a good one.
Regardless of what is wrong with him, jail might be what he needs to decide to try one more time and put his life back together...or not....but it IS his choice.
As another mama of an addict, I fear for your mother. I hope someone intervenes and gets him out of there soon.
Big hugs from my heart to yours.
He can go back to rehab, or go to a shelter and they will arrange that for him if he wants to get clean.
He can go to meetings and find someone willing to help him and enforce the required boundaries.
Your mother is not his only option, she's not even a good one.
Regardless of what is wrong with him, jail might be what he needs to decide to try one more time and put his life back together...or not....but it IS his choice.
As another mama of an addict, I fear for your mother. I hope someone intervenes and gets him out of there soon.
Big hugs from my heart to yours.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the elderly MUST be protected, they are one of the most overlooked, under-served and abused segments of our population. this is YOUR mom, please step up and protect her from the out of control addict.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
It's like your mom is being held hostage in her own home. She should be able to live out her golden years in peace. I'm sure there are shelters and services in your area that your brother could take advantage of so he wouldn't have to be on the street. I would encourage her to take out a full restraining order with no exception clauses. And then if you want to be kind to him drop him off in the city close to services for the homeless.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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Saga continues, Last night my mother went to bed ,3 am she woke up to find my brother not there.She checked the garage and the car was missing. He got home about 20 mins later she told him 2 choices go to jail because she has the restraining order or pack up so he packed up and left. Now to see where this goes he has a end of Jan. court hearing for the DUI he just got. I am nervous he is my younger brother but he is ripping our family apart
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
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Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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I am nervous he is my younger brother but he is ripping our family apart
You do not need permission to do what is best for the family, and I suspect deep down you know what that is.
We've got your back. Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Your mom looks capable, good news she was able to handle him.
My sympathy for what your going through right now. Its never easy when we are dealing with someone we love.
My sympathy for what your going through right now. Its never easy when we are dealing with someone we love.
Originally Posted by pheasant 
Saga continues, Last night my mother went to bed ,3 am she woke up to find my brother not there.She checked the garage and the car was missing. He got home about 20 mins later she told him 2 choices go to jail because she has the restraining order or pack up so he packed up and left. Now to see where this goes he has a end of Jan. court hearing for the DUI he just got. I am nervous he is my younger brother but he is ripping our family apart
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Until he suffers the consequences of his actions, he is not going to recover, even then possibly not.
On the other hand, you have an elderly mother. She is ill and does not need this chaos in her life. The stress alone will compound her illness.
Take the focus off the addict and put it where it belongs.
Many, many hugs.
On the other hand, you have an elderly mother. She is ill and does not need this chaos in her life. The stress alone will compound her illness.
Take the focus off the addict and put it where it belongs.
Many, many hugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Lafayette Hill
Posts: 14
Hi just an up date and this really hurts. As i mentioned in the original post my mother took a restraining order out on him 2 nights ago he took her car in the middle of the night when he got home she told him to leave or she was calling the police so he left. hHe comes back last night banging on her windows to let him in she calls police and they arrest him. Today he gets out comes to her house to get clothes(we live in the Philly area) I live around the corner from my mom he asked me to drive him to the bus stop on the drive he told me now i am going to spite you all I am going to Camden where there is all drugs. He met this guy from camden in a re hab a couple years ago and ai think he is clean. He layed such guilt on . Last night he was so high a blind person could of told he was but tonight he just looked me in the eyes and said he wasnt on anything when he was banging on my mothers windows. He couldnt even stand up. But right now I feel so bad for him.He is my brother and I do love him. afraid of not seeing him again alive ,but he does manipulate
Last edited by pheasant; 01-13-2016 at 05:47 PM. Reason: forgot to mention
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
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This is one of those instances where I take no pleasure from being right. So, from one guy to another, listen up.
One of our greatest failings as men is, on occasion, we believe we can fix something that's really unfixable. We think that if we say the right thing at the right time, or do something above and beyond for a person, they'll come to see things the way we do.
Only it doesn't work that way.
It took several months, a lot of pain, and a lot of bad behavior on my part to arrive at a place where I understood that lesson. The good news was once I got it, I really got it, and I learned to detach for the sake of my own sanity.
And that's where you are. Yes, he's your brother. Yes, you love him. And yes, there is a chance that he's not going to pull out of this spiral he's in. But dude, there's nothing you can do for him at this point. As you've seen, he will lie to your face. He will ignore a RO. He will bang on your mother's windows and scare the sh*t out of her. It doesn't phase him in the slightest that your mother is elderly and frail.
Do what is necessary to protect your mother, and yourself. That is all you can do.
One of our greatest failings as men is, on occasion, we believe we can fix something that's really unfixable. We think that if we say the right thing at the right time, or do something above and beyond for a person, they'll come to see things the way we do.
Only it doesn't work that way.
It took several months, a lot of pain, and a lot of bad behavior on my part to arrive at a place where I understood that lesson. The good news was once I got it, I really got it, and I learned to detach for the sake of my own sanity.
And that's where you are. Yes, he's your brother. Yes, you love him. And yes, there is a chance that he's not going to pull out of this spiral he's in. But dude, there's nothing you can do for him at this point. As you've seen, he will lie to your face. He will ignore a RO. He will bang on your mother's windows and scare the sh*t out of her. It doesn't phase him in the slightest that your mother is elderly and frail.
Do what is necessary to protect your mother, and yourself. That is all you can do.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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If he wants help, he can get help. It is totally unfair to expect your mother to deal with him. Addicts know how to manipulate and lay on the guilt, but any guilt or sympathy you should be feeling should be for your mother.
Your brother is 48 years old! He's old enough to take care of himself IF he wants to. If he doesn't want to, then too bad. Your mother deserves help in keeping him away from her home. She is the most important one here, in my opinion.
Your brother is 48 years old! He's old enough to take care of himself IF he wants to. If he doesn't want to, then too bad. Your mother deserves help in keeping him away from her home. She is the most important one here, in my opinion.
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pheasant, my sister is also on a self-destructive, delusional path. For years, it was easy to ignore because she received financial assistance from my parents and ex-husband. I was also the peacemaker whenever my sister and parents got into a fight (which was often.) This was no longer sustainable when my mother got diagnosed with cancer.
To make a long story short, I soon realized that I had to make a decision - I could spend my limited energy trying to "fix" my sister, or I could help my mother negotiate her last days while remaining attentive to my own husband and son. I had to realize that all the BS she pulled last year was an attempt to bring attention to herself, because she was hurting and overwhelmed as much as I was.
But I couldn't and can't save her. She needs to do that on her own. And she needs to do that work herself, and nobody else can do it for her. So even though my sister was screaming the loudest for attention, it was my mom who needed it (and still needs it) most.
And when I read your post, I couldn't help but think - your brother is also screaming the loudest, but it's your mother who needs your help the most.
To make a long story short, I soon realized that I had to make a decision - I could spend my limited energy trying to "fix" my sister, or I could help my mother negotiate her last days while remaining attentive to my own husband and son. I had to realize that all the BS she pulled last year was an attempt to bring attention to herself, because she was hurting and overwhelmed as much as I was.
But I couldn't and can't save her. She needs to do that on her own. And she needs to do that work herself, and nobody else can do it for her. So even though my sister was screaming the loudest for attention, it was my mom who needed it (and still needs it) most.
And when I read your post, I couldn't help but think - your brother is also screaming the loudest, but it's your mother who needs your help the most.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
Pheasant, I needed in person support to help me at these lowest, scariest points. Alanon was invaluable to me.
Is there a meeting near you that you and your mother can attend?The warmth, caring and understanding you will receive is amazing.
Is there a meeting near you that you and your mother can attend?The warmth, caring and understanding you will receive is amazing.
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