hopeful4

I can only say that I am sorry. I can also say that there comes a time in dealing with addicts that you can only love them from afar. The chaos and damage they do to themselves and everyone around them will take your family down as well if you let it. He has choices to make for himself, and only he can do that.

Many, many hugs to you.

JOIE12

Addicts are resilient and resourceful. He will continue on his own path.

Please be there to help your mom so that she doesn't have to fight this alone.

Try to remember that if it was not your brother .. and was perhaps a neighbor -
what would you do in that situation ?

Right is right, he didn't think about the damage to your mother did he ? he didn't think about how his addiction would hurt you did he ? ... let those ideas go, accept what is and work on making your life and your mom's life - peaceful.

I am sorry that your family is going thru this. Hugs to you, Joie

pheasant

Cant thank you all enough in many ways! My brother called me 2 nights ago > He had called my mother and she told him to call me. He called me from a pay phone I told him I would try to get him back in a re hab he said he does not want to go back,his money ran out he called back I tried to convince him but the money on the phone ran out again and I never heard from him since nor my mother. He still has about a 1000.0 in his account at that time though. Should I be trying to find him or just let him go . I feel like if I try to find him he will mistake kindness for weekness. Then have to start the process all over. Also in the last few days while he was out a good friend of his had passed away which we are assumingODed. Nice guy who got his stuff together the last 8 years (clean) but moved back to Philly 6 months ago and went wrong I guess poor guy. Thanks everyone again from the bottom of my heart.

findingme26

It's so hard to watch people we love suffer. I definitely understand the urge to go find him and keep him safe. But how do you think he's going to respond if you do? He's already told you he doesn't want to go back to rehab. He left rehab less than a week ago and used the very day he got home. He's obviously not ready to make a change, and you can't force him to.

You can't make him change.

I strongly suggest you find some Al-Anon meetings in your area and go check them out, for you and your mother. Until you realize that there is nothing at all in your power to help or fix him, you will continue this stressful cycle over and over again. You can't fix anything for him. He's making his own choices and you need to protect yourself and your mother now.

pheasant

He called Sunday night,he said he would go back to a re hab. I did not want to get him I begged my mother to let him make arrangements first then I will get him."no no" go get him she insisted. I drop him off at my mothers say 10pm she calls me 6 am saying how messed up he was all night. I went into some sort of convulsion my wife ran downstairs I had dry heaves and vomiting for 15 mins.and my legs trembled all day ( which i stayed home from work and in bed all day ). I am a contractor and on tues. my customer said to me you seem out of sorts do you want to go home .26 yr in busnesss was never told that. I worked so hard to get him out of the house Now supposedly they are waiting for a bed to open. I guess like most of you I never even tried pot I dont drink and I am way out of my element here with this drug stuff although its been going on a very long time with him he was under my parents roof though. My dad passed like 2 years ago and he got worse. i realized yesterday that it is effecting me physically now ,I have a family with a 22 yrold son and 19 yr old daughter. After seeing me screwed up Monday morn my wife said enough is enough my mother sick or not. I have to back out I think for my own well being and I dont think my mother is happy. But lets face they were told repeatly 20 yrs ago he should have been put out.I feel bad because he is Bi polar and OCD and no doctor (physicatrist) seems to find a way to help him. I think now my mother knows he should be out of the house but if she wants my help she is going to have to meet me half way and keep him out. Would you say that was fair? my son loves his grandmother more than anything but ripped into me Monday night that it was killing me I look so bad and just stay away. Any help here would be much appreciated.

Ann

Pheasant, I am the mother of an addicted son and know your pain and that of your mother.

For now, I suggest taking him to detox and they may be able to help him get into a rehab. The Salvation Army Rehab is a very good program and it is free...that may be the best route to go, I wouldn't spend another nickle on anything else.

As the mother of an addict, I too had to let go or go down with him. His addiction almost killed me. My son is lost in his addiction somewhere and I cannot let the fear kill me, so each morning I say a prayer and give my son's care to God and then spend my day in faith that God can do for him what I cannot.

If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

I love my son, he knows that. That's the most important thing here. The rest is between God and my son.

My prayers go out for yourbrother, your mother, your family and you. Addiction is truly a family disease.

Hugs

pheasant

Hi just thought I would give an update because you have been so supportive . He came back home and wanted help . He had to wair 2 weeks because of ins. reasons to get in rehab. he gets in they only keep him 6 days they said he wasnt fitting the criteria ( what ever that means) in the mean time he he using again and my mother just bucks up against everything I want to do as far as kicking him out of her house. Even though she is sick herself on Dyalis she continues to go behind my back and then tortures me when he is torturing her. I THINK THAT IS WRONG. I know alot of you have said help my mother but I dont have the strength to keep up with them . She wants him better but wont follow the hard road. He has her totally manipulated and more important this is taken such a toll on me mentally and now physically. I feel so much better when I back out and stay away. After all her and my dad let him sleep in the basement and miss work after nights of partying for years while I went to work never missed. I have been married 26 yrs I have a 23 yr old son and a 20 yr old daughter who are real good kids. I cant enjoy them because of him. I cant help my mother unless she is going to stick with the program. I think I must let them go. Thanks what are your thoughts

Hawkeye13

Step back if you need to and your mother won't keep him out of the house.
You can't make her take care of herself--it is her home and her choice in the end.

Make it clear to her that you have a family and your health matters too.
The fact you are having physical symptoms around this says volumes.
It's OK to be done if you need to be.

pheasant

Thank you Hawkeye, the reassurance is what I need . I feel like if I let go of the guilt I feel SO much better. I think I figured out my mother is going to cater to him until SHE has had enough. In the mean time I am better off out of the picture . I know a support group would help. but that being said when I stay away I feel worlds better especially when there is sneaky stuff behind my back. Just wish she wouldnt give in to him. ( Iguess you cant judge a mother)

pheasant

Also my mother has a restraining order on him and did use it but when she she was summoned to be in court last week she would not show up. So just an example of what I have to deal with.And why it is better for me to back out

hopeful4

I would say you don't have a choice but to back out.

Your mother loves him, and her enabling him is absolutely hurting him, but she does not understand that. You are 100% correct. Until she has had enough, which may be never, you are going to have to step away or it will take you down with it.

I am so sorry, but I am glad your eyes are wide open. You have done all you can, it's his life, and he is going to have to take charge of it. You say no psychiatrist can help him. Yes, they can, but they cannot make him want the help. He would have to commit to no drugs or alcohol, and to taking his medication every single day, for the rest of his life. Unless he is going to do that, a psychiatrist cannot help him. What they know, and you are seeing as well, is that you cannot help someone who does not want help.

Many hugs to you.