Recovering addict anger
 

Hi everyone, my heart is breaking and I can't talk to anyone about it. I met my partner when he was in rehab for crack addiction, he was so loving and happy. We adored each other. But since he's come out of the rehab his anger is crazy. He blows up at the slightest things. Last night he threatened to kick our baby out of me (10 weeks pregnant and wanted by both of us) because I was disgusted by the way one of his friend was talking about women. I love this man dearly but I'm scared for my child. I'm also a foster carer so have kept this relationship secret. He has me over a barrel because I can't call the police on him without losing my income 😞

Anybody else having to deal with crazy anger? Advice would be greatly appreciated.

You met in rehab, fellow client? How long was his rehab(in or out patient) How long ago did his program end?

you need to be away from him, for your safety and that of your child, plus the foster children you are caring for. Please do not compromise an income with a life and death choice.

Were you in rehab as well? How did you meet? If anyone threatened me the way he threatened you and your baby I would call the police. That's HIS child too inside of you and he would do that to his own child? Sounds more than just an anger problem. How long have you known him? When you foster a child you foster to make a difference in the child's life. Provide that child love that they haven't been given from their own home. You need to be present for that foster child because it's YOUR responsibility and you chose to be a foster parent. That child didn't choose you. You are suppose to provide the stable environment for that child. Doesn't sound at all stable to me. Are you saying you can't afford to live without the foster income??? Help me understand.

do you foster care for the benefit of the CHILDREN you promised to care for or to provide income? your priorities are out of whack right now......you willingly violated the rules of being a foster carer and are now in danger yourself.

when in doubt, do the next RIGHT thing.

He threatened to kill your unborn child yet you state that you "love him so much"?

You owe it to your baby, who did not ask to be conceived, and to the foster child who did not chose you but who desperately needs a stable environment, to get help for YOURSELF; to get out and get in a safe healthy place.

What you are describing is putting children in danger and that amounts to child abuse. Please find the strength to do the right thing.

His behavior has nothing to do with being in recovery. He sounds abusive and dangerous. You need to do what's right for you and your children (foster and unborn) and remove him from your home.
It sounds like he turned on the charm to scam you for a place to live when he got out of rehab. Now he is blackmailing you with the threat of losing your foster children so you won't protect yourself. This isn't a healthy situation for anyone. Please take care of yourself and your children.

Oh my...this is a dire situation and (easy for us to say)-get out of that relationship, for yourself, your unborn baby, and the foster children.

I heard once that domestic abuse on women is even more likely to occur when the woman is pregnant. Now, I don't know if that is really true or not, but it's a twisted thing and it's true in your case. You are a vulnerable person and your abuser for whatever reason is taking his anger out on you. Sure, he'll tell you he loves you and all that stuff and maybe he does in some way. But, you've got to put safety first or foremost here. And, technically speaking you have already jeopardized your income by having him live with you in the first place.

Will you leave?

Do you have a place means to go?

I wouldn't rely on him being reasonable about this.

I heard once that domestic abuse on women is even more likely to occur when the woman is pregnant.

It is true. DV during pregnancy is also one of the predictors for whether a woman will be seriously injured or killed by a partner. This isn't "anger" this is domestic violence.

MOSAIC - Gavin de Becker's Online Threat Assessment Tool

Very informative LS. Wonder why that happens..

Id be scared too based on what you described.
How long has he been in recovery?
Based on that particular drug and the effects it can have, do you feel he could have relapsed?

ladyscribbler,

Thank you for posting that link, I remember reading through it years ago but couldn't remember the name or author. I'll be sure to save it this time.

No I wasn't in rehab. He was an in patient at a rehab in my area but was allowed to leave at certain times of the day which is how we met. He finished his program in July and still goes to na meetings once or twice a week. Although I feel like that's more to have a catch up with the people he associated with because he doesn't have any friends here. He moved to a different city for a fresh start. He goes to the meetings but doesn't follow the 12 steps anymore. But on the bright side he isn't using. A lot of the people he associates with have relapsed though which worries me.

He isn't officially living with me, he has his own place but never stays there. You're right he wouldn't be reasonable. He uses his addiction as an excuse. He tells me that recovering addicts are sensitive, which I believe but I also know he can control the way he behaves when others are around so him saying that he can't control it is totally untrue. I know he struggles with dealing with emotions he's never had to deal with before but he refuses to get help managing his anger because he wants everyone to think he's doing so well.
I really want to help him get better but he genuinely believes or convinces himself that it's my fault he gets angry. Sometimes it is (I am human) but sometimes he gets angry over fly away comments that other people wouldn't bat an eye at. I'm so torn. I know I should leave but I love him so much and he really is an amazing person when he isn't angry. But I know I shouldn't have to spend my life scared of speaking what's on my mind to my partner 😞

I don't think he has relapsed. He's with me most of the time. He's been in recovery for 1 year 3 months now.

Actually I became a foster carer for the children after they'd lived with my parents for 7 years and my parents decided to retire and move abroad. I became a foster carer solely for these children so they could stay with the family they thought of as their own. Before this I had no intention of becoming a foster carer for ANY reason. As these children are classed as problem children even though they are in their late teens and totally independent now I am not allowed to work and I'm given an income. Please don't judge me when you don't know my story. I am doing my best to support these children and have a life myself which I do deserve. This man was a different person when I met him as most men who turn out like this are.

Thank you for that link. I've registered to do the assessment, just waiting for the email to come through. I read that some men get jealous when a baby comes into the equation because they aren't the most important person in your life anymore. Maybe it's because of their insecurities? Who knows how their minds work...and they say women are complicated.

My husband was not abusive when I was expecting but he was some of the rest of the time. I have known a few women who experienced abuse but it WAS violent when they were pregnant.

From what I witnessed - it seems that in the natural process - they know how attached to 'the baby' you are. They have a new outlet to exert their power. A new way to hurt you. Make you comply. Cower and beg. It's the one thing they can hold over your head. Cause fear. Like a wild animal ... Not a father. They do not view the child as a blessing.

Please be careful.

You say "This man was a different person when I met him"

When you met him he was in treatment for drug addiction. I am not sure that you would have gotten a true picture of the man he is at that moment in his life.

How long have you been together?

Need2Talk...

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad our members have beaten me to the punch in terms of sharing their concern about your well being.

And this --

-- is all you need as justification for ending it.

Need2Talk...normally I wouldn't be as direct with a newcomer as I'm about to be with you.

On the one hand, you want and he claims to want the baby. On the other hand, you're trying to keep your relationship on the down low. So it begs the question: what happens when you start to show? Then what? How do you explain that? What happens to your status as a foster carer then?

Our primary concern amongst us here at FFSA is your safety and that of your baby. Based on what you've shared, and convolved with our knowledge of addiction, the only safe way to deal with his anger is to remove him from your life. Period. Done.

Please be safe, and please keep us posted going forward.