Plink

After not hearing from our AS since a few days before Thanksgiving.......Hubby gets a text yesterday asking if he was going to the wrestling match last night (our GS wrestles on the high school team). Hubby was busy and did not notice the number the text came from and said "just call me if you want".

Well son did call and of course hubby was very surprised that he called. He just asked about the match and if he was going could he stop and pick him up!!!

Nothing about where he has been!!! He called his sister 2 days before Christmas saying he missed us and he wanted to see us but couldn't find a good time to see us. Said he was going back to Rehab at the beginning of the year and that he would be away for quite some time.

Apparently he didn't go anywhere since he was able to call and see if he could go to the match!

Is this what they do?? Are they just trying to keep us on edge and miserable???

He acts like nothing is wrong!!! I really and truly believe that he is trying to kill me!!

zoso77

Yes.

No. For that would mean his behavior is somehow related to how you and your husband have behaved around/towards your AS. And that's not true. His behavior is a function of whatever cognitive carnage is going on between his ears. So it's important that you practice not personalizing what he's doing, even though you "truly believe he is trying to kill" you.

We have a very old sticky note here called "What Addicts Do". The link is here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Read it as many times as you can stomach it. Absorb it. My guess is it will resonate with you.

And remember: you don't need permission to protect yourself from his behavior.

Sorry that you have to go through this with your son.

Ann

What Zoso said ^^^.

I could never find any rational explanation for my son's insane behaviour. I just learned that words mean nothing and actions mean something only after time and consistency.

They don't mean to make us crazy or even hurt us, it's just that their lives have become so screwed up that nothing makes sense anymore, to us or to them.

Prayers out for your son, my son has been at this a long time and I know your pain.

Hugs

Nina Kay

Yes Plink, this is the kind of thing that my Son has done many times. It really isn't personal. Actually it has Nothing to do with you. I even think that they forget about us altogether if they aren't needing something from us. It is the Nature of the Beast we call Addiction !!! I really do agree with everything that Zoso and Ann had to say, from personal experience. I had to learn a long time ago to ACCEPT that Nothing will ever make any sense, in the world of Addiction.

Marcus

I think in the grandiose mind of an addict there are times when we make big plans when we are using. We plan on getting sober and cleaning up all of the messes we have created. We might actually believe it too. In our warped minds it makes sense, but problem is we are high when making these proclamations.

We are so sure this time will be different. Then 5 minutes later or the next day or whatever when faced with actually MAKING the change we decide to get high another day. Tell ourselves it is a great idea, but just not today. Which of course could turn into another year (or decade or lifetime) for all we know.

That is why actions speak louder than words. Actually words mean nothing when coming from an addicts mouth. Straight up manipulation until some TRUE action takes place. It sucks and it isn't fair, but it is the truth.

Nina Kay

Thank you Marcus for sharing your experience. I know from watching & listening to my Son that what all you are saying is true.

Twofish

Dear Plink,
My ADs, would lie constantly, but in their minds, it made sense, plus
putting their first love, their DOC, ahead of their family, they saw it as
being ok. Listen to Marcus, he knows, he gave me hope
My daughters stole almost anything that wasn't nailed down, to pawn it
off to finance their sick romance with heroin, but one daughter saved
a gold locket, heart shaped that opened up and had their baby pictures in.
I asked her, when I found it in her room, why she didn't pawn it off with the
other jewelry...she said, and it brought tears to my eyes, "mom, when I held
it in my hand, I felt close to you". Now, was that a lie? I have a gut feeling that
this was not a lie, but a small piece of herself that the opiates hadn't gotten
to yet.
Try to see addiction as a brain disease, it makes what they say and do, make
a little sense, you can't take it personal, but you can
take care of YOU! Remember that we care! Here's a hug from one momma to another!
TF

Plink

Thank you everyone.......
I know in my heart that you are all so right but, it's so tough when he says he is clean. I want so bad to believe him but, I know he's not! If he was he'd get a job, see his daughter and be involved in our lives once again.

It all makes so much sense when you read it...........but, actually living it day to day ...........that's the hard part!

Thank you again. I was just so upset about his contacting his Dad out of the blue....acting all normal like there's nothing wrong that I needed to vent a little.

Twofish

Dear Plink,
Vent away all you can, we understand and we care. It is therapeutic to "see"
it, after you type or say it. Let it out and surround yourself with ppl who
are supportive, which we are.
Take care
TF

story74

Yes, this is what they do. It makes you crazy and second guess yourself. Don't. It is what they do.