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Exactly how to communicate when he calls

Old 01-07-2016, 12:18 PM
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Exactly how to communicate when he calls

I need advice from family members who have actually had communication with their addict while in treatment. I try to keep our conversations simple and just talk about my day and the kids day. I don't ask him many questions I just wait for him to talk to me if feels like it. It still seems we end up in a rough conversation. I do not want to make him mad or aggravated him. What have you done when you got phone calls how did you speak to them what was the conversation like?
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Old 01-07-2016, 01:06 PM
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you can't "manage" his moods now any more than you could before he went to treatment. if you are keeping your side to mundane stuff about daily life and the conversation still goes wonky, i suspect that isn't YOUR doing? and that you aren't antagonizing or goading him, calling him names, etc?
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Old 01-07-2016, 05:12 PM
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You do NOT have to talk with him everyday. Only when you want to.

He does NOT need to deflect his recovery anxiety/anger/exasperation/fear/guilt/doubt/whatever-it-is into an argument or "rough" conversation with you.

Tell him you'll be waiting a week to talk with him so you both can settle down and settle in to recovery. Don't feel guilty. Don't feel bad. Don't feel that you are letting him down.

What he needs right now is to OWN HIS OWN issues. Wholly. Totally. Without deflection. Silently.

Without your input. Without your guidance. Without your ownership or co-ownership of his issues. Alone.

Set this boundary, and then keep it.

You have the right to a peaceful, serene life. You cannot engineer his recovery by a phone call each day. You can't really do anything for him right now.

Your job is to heal, alone, quietly, silently. Let the wounds start to heal, and don't keep poking at them daily and making them fester.

The wounds are not the issue, and not the answer.

The answer is in discovering how to heal, and that you need to do alone.

So, tell him you love him dearly, you are with him even as the Force was with the good guys on Star Wars, and you are going to leave him alone to let him heal.

Really, believe this. It will make a lot of difference to you both. You just are both too close to the wound and the pain to understand this. You're at the place where you just have to trust and then just do it.

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Old 01-07-2016, 05:18 PM
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Where does it say you're obligated to talk to him?

If he's going to feed you a line of crap about the only reason he's in rehab is to satisfy you, maybe you should pass.

My $0.02.
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Old 01-07-2016, 05:38 PM
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Totally agree with ShootingStar. This is a time for BOTH of you to take care of yourselves. You have responsibilities to your children and to yourself. He is in the care of professionals and that is the very best place for him to be. If he chooses not to get serious about sobriety, that is up to him. If he does choose to get serious about sobriety, that too, is up to him.

Nothing has really changed. He still did the things he did and just from his phone call yesterday, he still isn't ready to accept responsibility for it. If you expect him to come out of rehab a "fixed" man, you will be sorely disappointed. Take this time to get yourself some help.
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Old 01-07-2016, 07:50 PM
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post

What he needs right now is to OWN HIS OWN issues. Wholly. Totally. Without deflection. Silently.

Without your input. Without your guidance. Without your ownership or co-ownership of his issues. Alone.
Thank you for this. Ironinc enough, I have already received word that I am to blame for all of this. He apparently has started his treatment by putting me as the reason for this all. I have heard it all before and yes, I figured he would eventually play the " it's all my wifes fault " card- but so soon????!!!! WOW!!!
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Old 01-07-2016, 07:53 PM
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Those who run the rehab won't buy into the "it's all my wife's fault" line. They've heard that thousands of times before. They are smart enough to know that if he is blaming someone else for the fact that he landed in rehab, he's still in denial of HIS problems.
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Old 01-07-2016, 08:00 PM
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I replied to another thread. I think you have the right idea on keeping things simple. And know if the rehab didnt want him to have contact then it wouldnt be allowed. But it is, so its ok for him. The question is if its ok for you.

I wrote on the other topic how you should look at the brain scans of meth users. He wont be stable for a while. I went through recovery process and keeping things simple is about all you can handle at times. Its not completely fair to you, Im sure you would like to discuss important things but Id be cautious. And probably the calls are short?

If you dont want to talk to him, or if its too hard you shouldnt feel guilty taking a break. BUT there is nothing wrong with it. Many rehabs encourage lots of family involvment. My husband was my greatest support and encouragement during the process. There is life after rehab. Its good to think about what ypu want, what you can give, what makes you comfortable. There are no set rules, you alone have to decide what works for you, and helps you reach the overall goals you've set.
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Old 01-07-2016, 08:06 PM
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Thank you. Which post did you reply to about the brain scans?? I may not have seen it yet
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Old 01-07-2016, 08:38 PM
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It was saying, it was your fault. I think it was your post, apologize if not.

But yes, its important to do some reading at aites like National Institute Drug Abuse and its one place you can see brain scans and read about how drugs affect the regions of the brain. The brain controls the emotions, and ability to reason and all those good things.

Of course sometimes people are nasty in various ways even without drug use. That one is for you to figure out too.
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