Owl1370

Hi all-
I have posted before about my struggles with my AXBF. I kicked him out in October, sent him home to enabling family and tried to move on. I had the greatest peaceful Christmas ever, no plans no drama. After Christmas, I got the call......going to a sober living facility, can I come collect the rest of my things. AXBF seemed ready, no drugs/ no drinking for weeks (I could tell he was the most calm and amazing I had seen in a year). So of course, like any good codie, I went back in.

It was only temporary (a week), until he could get into sober living on Jan 2. We had the most amazing week, no anger, no egg shells no drinking no drugs. I started off trying not to let it affect me, I had other plans, saw this as helping a friend. By NYE, the love was back and we were going to work through everything in the next few months.

Had an amazing NYE. We went to the sober first night event in our area. Had dinner. Cheated with champagne at midnight. Then I went to bed. I woke up at 6am on Jan 1 with no AXBF in bed with me. He was awake, took money from my purse, to buy crack and beer (thereby assuring he would not get into the sober living house). He did not even try to hide it. I cried and screamed and lost it. He took his record player (to pawn) and left at 9am.

At 4pm I was informed by AXBF brother that AXBF flipped his car 10 min from his parents house (they dont ask questions). According to his brother, AXBF left because I was out of control screaming at him. It was my fault that he may die.

Well AXBF is not dead (yes, I did go to the hospital 2 hours away). He is completely lucky. He flipped his car in a ditch and walked away. So far no arrest but I am sure he was DUI. He has a cracked neck, has to wear a brace and some bruising. But no paralysis and is expected to fully recover.

I could not do no contact before, I was not ready. I want to do NC now. I have read the newcomers to recovery board, I feel like a drug addict. I am good until I am not.

What I do know if that I cannot help him anymore. I grieve for the person who wants to get sober, and I hate the one who will not.

AXBF asked me in the hospital if this is his bottom. I told him if this is not, he is not going to make it.

Thanks for letting me vent.
Owl......wisdom is a generous hope.

Bekindalways

Hey Owl, for what it is worth I probably would have done the same - sigh.

Welcome to the excruciating simplicity of no-contact. Unfortunately the road to clarity seems to require something like this for most of us.

I hope you have a good support network and I hope SR is part of it. Take care of yourself: eat healthy, exercise, stay hydrated and grieve and heal.

Hawkeye13

Change your number if you mean it.
Otherwise, he may call and get through yet again.

Have you blocked him totally on all social media, including email?
Best way to do it is just do it.
Plan some things for yourself to occupy your time and thoughts the next few weeks.

Don't check for updates w/ his family even if you want to.
Seems like they were ready to blame you for his actions pretty readily.
Sorry he reeled you back in, stole from you, blew rehab, and managed to hurt himself
all in a few short weeks.

Owl1370

Thanks all-
I have no contact with him on social media. Phone is the only contact. It would be hard to change numbers as I also use this phone for work. I blocked him over Christmas. But FYI, you can still get voice mails, at least on an Iphone. So I caved after hearing a voice mail telling me he was going to a sober living house near my house. I thought that maybe he meant it this time since he did it on his own (All the lies we tell ourselves).

Phone is now blocked again. I am going to try and ignore any voice mails.
Owl

CodeJob

Take care of you Owl! What a story.

hopeful4

I don't like the idea of a "bottom" as many addicts don't even have one. Addiction ebbs and flows for them, up and down, sometimes death. It's a harsh reality, and an awful life. The fact of the matter is, none of it is your fault no matter what any enablers tell you, or what he says. If he wants recovery he will seek it, if not, he won't. While it hurts, it really is that simple.

I do hope you go NC. You are worth more than this, and you deserve a life of peace and happiness.

Many hugs, you can do this.

zoso77

This is where you went off the rails. Your head went into fantasy land. Whatever you learned took a back seat to the chemical rush of "the love was back".

Here's the real him:

He played you like a two dollar banjo. But for what it's worth, I got that tee shirt long before you did.

Well, I use my phone for work, too, and when my AXGF was acting up and trying to get through my block, I was left with no choice but to change my number. So I did. It took a couple of days to both let everyone know my new number and to update my credit card companies, my bank, my student loan company, etc. Just do it, and be done.

Hell of a lesson to learn the hard way, isn't it?

AnvilheadII

Cheated with champagne at midnight

and then came Old Thunder flying out of chute #3.......

He was awake, took money from my purse, to buy crack and beer

while not your FAULT, this is classic evidence that there is no CHEATING and GETTING AWAY WITH IT for recovering addicts. for some a few sips of champagne is ALL it takes to bring the raging inner addict back to life. "just a little" is never a harmless venture.

in equal measure, hope can have the same negative consequences for the codependent. he SEEMS so much better, surely just a little time together couldn't HURT. until it does.

so lesson learned. you now have ample evidence to bolster your resolve. carry on!

hopepraylove

Exactly, exactly what I thought.

Red flag. "Cheated with champagne at midnight."
AKA-Relapsed with champagne at midnight.

Sometimes it's all it takes. One beer, one hit, one---

I'm sorry for your pain Owl, sending you hugs and healing vibes. Take care of yourself.

Owl1370

I felt a little bit guilty because I bought the champagne and had it at the house, but then I remembered what I have learned. His sobriety is his responsibility, not mine. He could have said no.

Love can also be a DOC. Zozo-you are absolutely right. And while I love a good bluegrass band, I hope to not be played like a banjo again.
Owl

Hawkeye13

Owl, sounds like you've got the lesson
and he won't be taking advantage again.

We've all of us been duped by the addict in our lives.
Sending you support and hope you be strong from now on