BF meth addict 2nd week of 60 day treatment

Old 01-06-2016, 09:48 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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BF meth addict 2nd week of 60 day treatment

New here, first post. Trying to release some of my tension, pain, anger finally...

My bf struggled with getting sober and with some pushing/guidance/support he sought out treatment on his own. Got the finances handled and a few days later, checked in (after a brutal balls to the walls last run).

Meth is so scary. I wholeheartedly believe I've dealt first hand with the devil in our home. I witnessed this strong positive upbeat loving spiritual man transform into this stranger physically and mentally: thin drawn in face, pale, delusional, paranoid, untrusting, scared, suicidal, angry, being.

Bf had a rocky divorce and we dated in midst of the process. During which his ex-wife relapsed and came to him for help/support. He reached out to the dealers and asked them (friends) to not deal with her, she's asked for help, please. Bf had 5 years of sobriety and I asked him if this would trigger/be a struggle. Assured me his sobriety was not in jeopardy. A couple weeks later he was mia for a week. Turns out he had relapsed with his ex-wife (divorce was not yet final). This is March and has struggled with this active addiction since then. Had had 8/9 days of sobriety at most between then and before entered treatment.

I went from being so adored and utmost trustworthy gf...to his worst enemy it seemed. I was accused of outlandish things and ultimately these accusations caused me to lash out in pain/anger because I was so far from doing these things. Our home became this unhealthy/unsafe war zone. His delusions and paranoia irked me to no end. I felt he was pushing my buttons on purpose because he knows I'm not what he'd accuse me of being...(heroin addict, people sneaking in our upstairs windows at night, stealing/doing his drugs). I rarely drink a glass of wine, I'm terrified of hard drugs as my father passed away when I was very young (od) as did my late husband (we're separated).

He's in treatment and on day 16 and doing great. He wanted to get sober and needed the extra help of being out of the habitual daily life cycle he had gotten stuck back in. He's very successful and positive...an asset/leader in the treatment facility. But I'm struggling to regain my happy positive demeanor. I know he's getting the help he so desired and sought on his own for the most part. He is surrounded by support/activities/therapy and I'm left with a home full of memories of all the pain/anger of the drug use. We were the cutest happiest loving couple. Now we can't even have a conversation that's not ending in one of us totally defensive as part of what the cycle created.

Why am I not happy? Why am I depressed? Why do I feel so alone in this recovery? How do I get out of this defensive (guarded) demeanor? I'm not an asset to his recovery as I'm still stuck with pain/anger that the use brought on.

Taking this step to reach out to better myself, so that we can ultimately heal together.

Hope that wasn't too allover the place, my mind is on overload, decompressing finally after months of this roller coaster ride.
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Old 01-06-2016, 11:58 AM
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welcome to SR, i am glad you are here, but very sorry for the events that brought you here.

you are right, meth is evil. i am glad that whatever it took, your BF is in a treatment facility now. this gives him a fighting chance.

and it leaves you standing in the smoldering embers wondering what the hell happened??? and what do i do NOW?

you get help for YOU. as partners of addicts, we take quite a beating, but we hold it together somehow, and even when they have been utter jackwads, we often clear a path to treatment FOR THEM. and then find we totally forgot to get some help and support for ourselves!

please take the time to read around at other posts, other forums, and pay particular attention to the "stickies" at the top of THIS forum. they have lots of valuable material for you to digest and absorb.

treatment isn't going to fix him. treatment is NO guarantee that he won't come out and use again, either within days, weeks, months or even years. he will be different as a getting sober person.....and he's going to have to do A LOT of work. that won't leave a lot of time for you. and that is going to have to be ok....because it is what it is. that is why it is best to dive into your own program of recovery NOW.....there are many types to choose from, often Alanon and/or Naranon are good places to start.

be an asset to your OWN recovery. let him own his. and know that there is the possibility that your relationship might NOT survive all this. you reserve the right to say when enough is enough. you both will need to heal individually before any real repair work on the relationship can occur......and that takes time.

so first things first, take care OF YOU!
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Old 01-06-2016, 07:26 PM
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Welcome Lostinlove although I am so absolutely sorry for what you are going through. This kind of thing is beyond painful.

I second what Anvilhead wrote above. Take care of yourself to the nth degree. Find a program and work it like your life depends on it.

There are many wise folks here. I hope you find lots of support and wisdom that you can use.
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