Betts3210

I'm not sure where to start or if this is even the correct board to post on at this point. I feel like I married a lie. The person he said he was is not the man I know and have been with for the last 6 years. I liked the "made up" person much, much better. I'll spare everyone all the details, and give the cliftnote version. We married very quickly, and I soon learned he was an alcoholic. (He kept it very hidden). We did the rehab thing, several periods of jail time and he "attended" AA for a brief stent. He didn't have children and wanted one. I asked he remain sober for one year and then we would talk. He seemed to do what he was supposed to during this time so 3 years after getting married we had a son. Sadly, my STBX had begun using hydro and was using his "new" addiction. I couldn't wrap my head around the mood swings, lies, secrets, lack of emotional and physical intimacy then, but looking back it makes perfect sense. Needless to say, this 'relationship' has been rocky from day one.

I retained an attorney last June. I'll admit, I drug my feet at pushing the divorce papers through because deep down I did not want a divorce. This was never a part of what he had promised me or how my life would turn out. I was deep in denial and clinging onto the person I had created in my mind. After his billionth lie and flaunting his relapse on social media, I contacted my attorney and signed the papers. Walking around in disbelief for a month reality set in and is bittersweet. Overall, I'm more at peace because im not dealing with constant drama and the fighting has stopped. I can choose to respond or not as I feel fit, and that's empowering. However, we have a 2 year old who isn't understanding why his dad is gone. I'm learning to let go, and when I let go I'm accused of having new boyfriend (as if I 1 have time or 2 have the desire). I filed almost 4 months ago now. His accusations have increased significantly. He almost seems paranoid now and has such deranged, delusional thinking at times I catch myself agreeing with him just to shut him up!

I made it through Christmas without missing a beat. He complained about being alone and I did not let it impact me or offer for him to come be with us for dinner. I simply reminded him that we all have choices and he chose to keep using and I chose to not live that way any longer. He hates boundaries and often 'punishes' me with the silent treatment. New Years was harder for me. It was our anniversary and I will admit I thought about him at midnight, but not the man he has become over the years. I remembered the man I grew to love. I miss that person very much but not enough to stick around and hope he will come back, because I know he's gone or never existed.

I'm currently struggling with the anger I have directly with him. I have 100% of the financial and physical responsibility of our son. He has a job but can never help with anything financially because he needs a haircut, or his phone bill is due or whatever other excuse he can come up with. Visitations are tortuous too! He doesn't show up but somehow that is my fault!?! I need to let the anger go, but I am so damn angry at this man. In fact, I have a hard time even being nice anymore. I go to court this week to discuss visitation and support and I know how this will end- I'm waiting to hear how he's the victim and I'm the bad guy and how I won't let him see his son, blah blah blah. I'm requesting strong stipulations to ensure my baby is safe and preparing for my Xs Emmy award performance on how he's a stand up guy! i guess I'll bring my popcorn!

So my question is how do I work through the anger? I want to let it go, because it makes me someone I'm not! I've become a raging ******* to him and I honesty don't care if I hurt his feelings anymore!

teatreeoil007

What you are feeling is not bad, wrong, or abnormal ... You feel betrayed because he hid his 'addictions'... He said he would change... You thought he had changed... Found out that was a lie too... Maybe he hoped he had changed too but his addiction still held power... Hard to know what to believe... Who can you trust?!?! Learn to believe in yourself again and to thine own self be true...

teatreeoil007

The anger needs to be processed somehow... It needs an outlet... Whatever you do sweetie don't stuff it ...

JOIE12

I do one of two things ... after setting my own boundaries (for myself) ...

I write a note each time I begin to remember something that causes me pain.
I place them into a can or a jar. When I know the time is right, I either go out on the patio and burn them, watching each ash lift and carry with the wind ... or tear them up, burn them and walk out on the longest public pier to release them into the beyond. I do this alone, in my own time - and it's empowering.

Whatever works for you will bring you strength. Hugs to you, Joie

PuzzledHeart

You could be describing my sister.

I'm certainly not married to her, but I've been especially angry at her ever since my mother was diagnosed with cancer. My dad and I have been trying to take care of my mom, and she'll do these rudimentary things so she can say to other people that she's doing the bare minimum. She's made it quite clear that she can only give what she WANTS to give, even if it doesn't match what my mom and the rest of us actually NEED. And when my sister wants something and you say no, she'll just pretend she didn't hear you and she'll keep on asking and asking (and she'll do this in front of other people to make uncomfortable for you to deny her) until you finally acquiesce or until you confront her publicly and call her out on her BS.

This board is great for venting. When I'm especially ticked off, I go out for a run. When I don't have the time for that, I do the 7-minute workout (just google it), and when I'm really short on time, I just do 30 second snippets. 30 seconds of pushups or tricep dips or planks. It's hard to justify NOT taking at least 30 seconds for yourself.

I've been thinking a lot about how to use anger for my own good as opposed to getting overwhelmed by it. How do you channel that force into something that YOU want to do? If I figure out the answer I'll let you know.

I've also been re-reading the book "Deep Survival" by Laurence Gonzales. There's a chapter there that really resonates with me. In that chapter, he tells the story of Debbie Kiley, a sailor who was lost at sea on a ship that overturned on a rogue wave. In a crew of five, only she and another named Brad Cavanaugh survived. With the other three - one woman was gravely injured and two men were drinking heavily before the accident. And those two just bickered their way into delusion and then death. If my memory serves me right, I think one of them thought he was going to get a six-pack and swam straight into the sharks. The other thought he was going to get a cigarette.

But what gets me is that Debbie and Brad had to make a conscious decision to let these two go. They realized that if they wanted to survive, they couldn't follow them. They couldn't save them. It didn't mean that they turned cold-hearted, because they felt horror and then sorrow when those two men swam out into the sea and screamed as the sharks consumed them. But they also felt relief because now they could completely dedicate themselves to their decision to survive.

So when I get especially mad at my sister, and I start creating my laundry list of wrongs, I sometimes have to remind myself that I have a choice: I can use my anger to fuel my self-pity or I can use my anger to help me survive. And I'm going for the latter.

AnonWife

Have you thought about seeing a therapist to help you work through your feelings? I think the divorce and those feelings are one set of emotions. Accepting he wasnt the person you thought, letting go of your dreams for your life with him. The part with your son is harder I think. How can anyone not feel anger when a parent doest step up to be the parent a child deserves? But I think your right, anger will keep you in the same place and will chip away at future happiness, and also affect your son.

Therapy, realizing his addiction has actually affected his thinking, he isnt physically, mentally, or emotionally healthy. I find it easie to manage my anger when I remember that my husbands bad behavior is a symptom of his addiction.

Id focus on the facts, use the courts to help protect you and your son. Id document missed visits, keep text and email records to show how communication is going. Id try to get in the place in my mind where Im happy to have my child, and remember what joys I experience with him that the ex is missing. I think trying to focus more on the good and let him begin to take up less emotional space. You have to deal with him, but remember your in a place of power now. You have choices and life will get better. He is still back there.