SorroW22

So I got a call today from my H. Day one down and he seemed to be settling in Conversation was short, and civil. My dilemma is- how am I suppose to communicate with him now? Do I ask questions about his day/meetings/ activities? Am I even suppose to? I don't want to over step the boundaries of the treatment process. He told me that we can go visit thin next weekend. I need real guidance now that we are in full swing. This treatment center allows him to make calls everyday at certain times, so I'm assuming we will remain in close communication while he is there.

I've become familiar with this forum and feel comfortable here, but should I also be posting in other forums with the same issues?

BunnyNest

It was best for me to take time to totally focus on my own recovery. I reread Codependent No More. I focused on my own 12-step groups. I found a counselor. These things saved my life.

It would not have been healthy for me to talk every day.

You should be focusing on yourself rather than him and his recovery.

Hugs to you! Take care of yourself first.

Hawkeye13

I would not plan on going to visit at all, but at least not the first week.
He's supposed to be focusing on himself and recovery, and you
should be doing the same.

I think you need to really get clear in your head what you want
after he finishes the program (assuming he does) as that is really
the very beginning of a long, tough recovery process.
Bunny Nest's ideas about reading and going to AlAnon are excellent steps
you can do for you to get some perspective and continue to educate yourself.

Once out ot treatment, he will be self-focused, moody, irritable and dealing with a lot of
emotions he formerly neutralized with drugs.
Not a good situation for you or kids to have to deal with.

I hope, given the violence and abuse, you are not even considering letting
him move back into the family home when he finishes--at least not
without a long demonstrated recovery from drugs and dealing w/ other issues.
He should ideally go into a sober living situation.
Of course, very likely he sees him going into treatment as his "free pass" to come
home.
If you read some other stories on here, you will see that rarely works out well.

Limit the phone calls and use the time of respite from dealing with his crap to
really look into what recovery will take beyond the 30 days, and to think about
what you want and what is best for the kids in all this.
It's great he got in the door, but that really is only the first baby-step towards recovery. . .

JOIE12

great advice here from Hawkeye and Bunnynest !

I always found such relief when my exABF went into detox, even if it was only for 8 or 9 days. I learned not to think to the days ahead. Each time he came out, he went right back to using. No matter how much I hoped ... essentially, it was all up to him.

Please take this time to work on 'you'. What I also realized was how much of myself I lost while 'taking care' of him. It was exhausting. That's when I should have seen my reality.

I wish you strength and some peace while you work thru this. Best to you, keep sharing

Hugs
Joie

ladyscribbler

My ex never went to rehab, but we did a temporary separation. One thing I regret is fixating so much on him and what he was supposedly doing for his fake recovery. I wish I had spent more time thinking about my boundaries and untangling the enmeshment I had with him. I used to ask him about his "meetings" (that he wasn't going to) and his therapy (the same therapist he'd been seeing for 5 years without any real results).
I went back to the same nightmare to give him another chance only to find that his whole "recovery" was a lie and that he'd been drinking the whole time. He'd even recruited his mom to help him cover up a public intox arrest that happened the day before we returned. She flat-out lied to my face about that, actually asked if I was sure it had really happened (I saw the arrest sheet because he was waving it around and ranting about paying the fine). She only recently came clean that she'd not only known, but had picked him up from the police station (it happened almost 3 years ago).
If he wants to talk to the kids and they want to talk to him a few minutes a day, then maybe that's what the phone calls could be. I don't think there's anything to be gained by having big discussions about his program or your relationship right now. I agree that he will probably be working overtime to convince you to let him back home right after rehab. Right now he uses you as an emotional garbage can and you accept that. A few days without drugs won't cure him of being manipulative and emotionally abusing you for personal gain.
In another thread you were hoping that this stint in treatment would result in limited or no contact for awhile. You can still set that boundary. If he gets mad, then he is in the right place to get the emotional support he needs to deal with it. I know you're afraid of setting him off and being the bad guy (ask me how I know), but that's part of the problem. You're afraid of your husband. That shouldn't be the case.
Hawkeye was right that there are bigger problems here than just drugs. The firearms and violence are not going to be addressed at rehab. That's a separate issue and won't simply go away because he has 30 days sober in a controlled environment.

Firesong

That makes sense to me. Thank you for stating clearly what I only suspected in my own situation.

CodeJob

Hello Sorrow,

What do you want to do? I turned my phone off and gave it to a friend to hold when my H first went into rehab. Neither one of us are stellar on the phone, so it was for the best to not chit chat daily.

I only visited for the family programming. If this is your first time dealing with rehab, that program might have some very useful components for you. I also learned a lot by what I saw and what I heard there from other families.

If you decide he isn't coming home, I'd talk directly to his counselor that they need to help him find alternate living arrangements.

Peace,

AnonWife

You might want to talk to the rehab because its common now for family to play a role in the rehab process. It depends on what place he's at,. And what your goals are too.

zoso77

I would just be cognizant of the fact he's at the very beginning of this process, and he's going to have a very difficult time. Allow him and yourself the space that you both need while being supportive.

cece1960

I'm glad that you feel comfortable here and hope you will stick around. You are welcome to check out the other forums and post if you'd like, but keep in mind that SR does not allow duplicate posts.


I hope you can peace and support during this difficult time
(((Hugs)))

hopeful4

You are in the right spot, many here have went through the same.

I can draw from personal experience from this. When my X was in rehab, he called home way too much. I found myself having lots of anxiety about what was going on there, etc. My recommendation would be to have as little of communication as possible, as this is a time for him to work on him. When he does call, listen, let him guide the conversation about things there.

What I WISH I would have done was taken more time for me when my X was in rehab, and my own healing.

Many hugs, keep posting, you are not alone!